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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He's In Hell
ResoluteH
♂ New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pizzalover wrote,
He's obviously still pissed off that I have very little idea of how I could have done it. He feels that I should have come out of this affair with a disertation of the reason, but I am at a loss. I know it has to do with [a bunch of things].

One of the hardest questions for me to answer is "How could you do that?" Like you, I can list a bunch of things about myself that contributed to it, but I can't point to one thing and say, "There. That's the reason. That's the flaw in myself that allowed me to betray my wife even though I knew it would hurt her horribly." The best I can do is try to explain how I can be sure I won't do it again, but the credibility of those explanations is destroyed by my inability to answer the question, "How could you do that?" All I can do is to keep working on my own shit. Maybe some day I'll have a complete answer. But not yet.


Resolute Husband

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
Silentthoughts
♀ Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***Its a tightrope we WW's walk after what we have done, to our BS and ourselves, especially if we are hellbent on getting to the bottom of our self destructive choices. Because in our desperate need to give our BS some answers, we become so frozen with the fright of it all, the sheer magnitude of what its going to take to get to the bottom of it all, that we find it difficult to find the space to really work this through. But going into this morass of ourselves takes time.

***THIS is completely what I did and still do.

Pl I can completely emphasize with how you cope with conflict in your life. My bh is more secure than yours so I haven't had all the problems you have. I suffer from shame. I am reading several books one of which is Healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw. Maybe helpful for both of u. You both need separate ic, not just mc. if he is not going also, it sounds like he could benefit.


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***Its a tightrope we WW's walk after what we have done, to our BS and ourselves, especially if we are hellbent on getting to the bottom of our self destructive choices. Because in our desperate need to give our BS some answers, we become so frozen with the fright of it all, the sheer magnitude of what its going to take to get to the bottom of it all, that we find it difficult to find the space to really work this through. But going into this morass of ourselves takes time.

Yup. This is exactly how I feel about it. I couldn't have said it better myself.

We're both going to IC, and both really like our psychologists. I'm going twice a week to mine and he's going once a week to his. Plus, of course, our once weekly MC. I feel both are helping me. I'm WAY more self-aware then I was on D-day, but I still have a long way to go.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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