It doesn't sound like true remorse to me.
If she wants the marriage to work then she needs to step up show you true transparency and remorse. Counseling would be a good start as well. This isn't going to be an easy road to travel, but with two people working on things it can be done. If it's only you, which is sounds like it, it won't work.
She can't go around blaming the marriage or you. Every marriage as some issues. The couple is 50/50 responsible for issues in the marriage, the WS is 100% responsible for the A. If there were issues in the marriage that were a concern for her then her responsibility was to sit down and discuss them with you not an outside party.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you've found the right place. We're here to help.
Post often, it helps.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
It's only an opinion, but I think if I had handled things different in the beginning, like implement the 180 and been more forceful then I would have the truth today. Now I let so much time pass that it's still fresh in my mind but he wants to simply move on.
Hurttt, don't know what I am trying to say, you need to be strong, take care of yourself and it may mean that you have to take a hard line with you WW. Let her know that you think she is a liar and a cheat and you don't trust her yet. Tell her that she has to earn your trust by being transparent and truthful and this wont't be forgiven or for gotten any time soon.
Good Luck, my friend.
Look to the left side of your page, read all you can in the healing library. This will give you some idea of how to Reconcile should you decide to.
Basically when it comes to R. You need to call the shots this go round. The behaviors continued because she didn't have consequences for her actions. She was allowed to blame you for, and make you change to make her happy in the M. That doesn't work. We can really only make ourselves happy with our situation. She wasn't forced to make any changes, or look inside to figure out why she felt the need to go outside the M.
She has to figure that out, if she doesn't the pattern will repeat itself.
Things for you to do:
1. See an attorney, find out what your rights are, find out how a D would play out, and what to expect. This is empowering, and will help you deal more from a place of reason than of fear.
2. See a Dr, get STD tested. If she has admitted to X number of times it is probably double that at a minimum. (Cheaters lie).
3. Make sure you are eating, sleeping and staying hydrated, if these are a challenge then ask the Dr for something to help you through this. No shame in a little chemical support during this time.
Keep posting, keep asking questions. More will be along soon.
Things she should be doing?
She should be fully transparent...you get full access to all of her accounts and her phone,passowrds included.
She should be answering all of your questions without blame or anger.
She should be in IC to figure out her "why."
She should have written a NC email to OM..that you read and sent(so you know it was sent unaltered).
She should have been tested for STD's(you too).
If Om is a coworker,she has to find another job.
Did any of her friends know about the affair? if so,they are not friends of the marriage,and they need to go.
So...did she do any of this? Is she doing any of this?
She should be bending over backwards to show you she is truly remorseful and wants to save this marriage...but it sounds like she convinced you that this is somehow your fault,that you needed to make things better for her. No,my friend. She is responsible for her actions. No marriage is perfect..but she chose to blow it up by cheating. And problems in the marriage before the affair need to be addressed...but not until the affair..and the fallout..has been dealt with.
It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit..that is with no new info..no TT..and a remorseful spouse.
ETA: You said she "says she feels remorse." Um..no. If she were remorseful,she wouldn't have to say it. It would be obvious. True remorse is all about helping the BS and repairing the damage they(WS) have done to the BS,the marriage,and themselves.
[This message edited by confused615 at 10:27 AM, July 26th (Friday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I am so sorry. It sounds like you are married to a very damaged woman.
The reason that none of your hard work and changes made any difference is that she cheated because she is broken, not because of you and not because of the marriage. If two acrobats keep missing each other in the air because acrobat 1 is injured, then it doesn't make any difference how strong acrobat 2 is or how great their equipment is. Imagine acrobat 1, with a broken arm, claiming that the problem is that acrobat 2 forgets the moves or the trapeze is faulty.
Your wife is messed-up inside. That's why she was able to lie, cheat, throw away her integrity, and deeply hurt the person who loves her best. She needs serious counseling or it will happen again.
Forgive the following post but I have developed a rather "scorched earth" attitude when dealing with a WW.
You can't nice her out of this. You can't give her things and make it stop.
I tried all of this and it didn't work. It only causes them to continue hurting you.
You know what did work? I gave her a "minimum performance standard" (engineering term).
I said these are the condition s to remaining married to me. Break one of them and you are expressing your desire for a divorce. If you do break one of them I will commission divorce proceedings and they will be irrevocable.
She tried to deflect and say "You want a divorce" giving her the right to play the victim. I said "nope, you doing these things is just like telling me to divorce you. Don't do them and we can remain married".
That seemed to do the trick.
(Warning brutal statement follows) At some point you will get tired of being nice and realize that she isn't worth all the pain she is causing you. At that point things change. Trust me along a long enough timeline you WILL get to this place. Might as well shortcut it all because I assure you, she will play games as long as you allow it.
If you really want to see if she is honest, tell her tonight you have scheduled a polygraph for her next week. Tell her that you have had enough and if she has been dishonest in anyway you will start divorce proceedings.
Her reaction will tell you everything.
ETA: I re-read your post and it was sounded exactly like me on D-day. Exactly. Your WW and mine sound exactly alike and I tried the same thing you did at first.
[This message edited by damaged71 at 2:30 PM, July 26th (Friday)]