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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Triggering. Someone talk me down
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in month ten. Things are going great. Really great in fact. New MC started 2 months ago and we've really made some significant progress learning how to communicate our needs and anger.

So WW and I had a small argument last night. I had triggered over the weekend and we were still at odds on the resolution. She thought I was angry and acting childish. I complained that she was a "fair-weather wife" in that I felt she wasn't doing the hard stuff. IE reading,talking about her feelings, and addressing the her issues that led to her A.

At any rate, she had asked me a month ago if she could go on a harbor cruise with the girls from work. I said fine. In fact I kinda liked the idea of her going out and taking a break from the stress of R. The cruise was tonight 8 to 10pm around Boston Harbor.

We hadn't talked all day because we were both mad. She was scheduled off work at 5 and so was I. At 445 I get a text saying she was at home and getting ready to go out. (Cruise wasn't until 8). I leave work immedieaty and get home 10 minutes later to find her gone. I call her and ask where she is. She says she and the girls were going out to dinner first. I tell her I find her actions unacceptable. The notion of leaving work an hour early with zero communication. TO make these unannounced plans to "pregame" as it were.That she just leave to go out without at least seeing me first, let alone giving me the courtesy of a conversation. Maybe even some reassurances of her commitments. We argue back and forth and I eventually hang up in rage. I take some Bupropion and amphetamines to try to calm myself. (Prescribed)

Now I'm stressing. My heart is pounding. I'm scared out of mind. What if she gets drunk? What if she calls FAP? What if she gets hit on? What if, what if, what if! I was nervouse going into this as it was but thought I could handle it. Now with the unresolved argument and her suddenly leaving 3 hours earlier without me seeing her off, the uncertainty and insecurity is killing me.

I haven't had a drink in 6 months, haven't gambled since D day. Now both are swimming through my mind. Not for revenge, but for the need of "comfort". Something to take the place of this...massive insecurity.

No one to talk to. No one to listen. Like being back in month one. All alone and in hell.

[This message edited by Yakamishi at 6:35 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Searchingforhope
♀ Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Yakamishi)))

Stay calm. You have support here.

You cannont control her..

"What if"'s are outside your control.

If she is going to do something..she will have to live with the consequences.

You can only control what you do.

You haven't gambled? GREAT!

You haven't drank? GREAT!

You are going to be ok..NO MATTER WHAT!


You are not alone..Talk to us.
((HUGE HUG TO YOU ))


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 146 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are struggling. Drinking , or gambling, or anything else is not going to give you the comfort you are looking for.

Could you ask her to text you a picture of her and her friends to help ease your mind a little?

Could you ask her for 5 minutes away from her night to reassure you?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2579 | Registered: Aug 2012
BFFGone
♀ Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for NOT reaching out for those false comforts!
You got this!
You can get through it!
Ask for pictures of where she is, have her check in every 30 minutes...hell...drive down to wherever she is and stake the place out.
At the end of the day, you are putting in the work. You are being amazing!! She has to hold up her end of the bargain...period. Remind her of that!!!
Do you have boundaries set up for these circumstances?
I'm all about boundaries. Our list is miles long. You write it, then discuss and edit it with her so you both feel comfortable and agree on it. Write,up every scenario that you can think of, and what the appropriate and expected behavior in that scenario is to make YOU confident and make YOU feel safe.
Stay strong!
Remember, the only control we have is over ourselves. She has got to give you confidence and comfort in this....as the WS...that is her JOB in R!!!
You got this!!!
(((Hugs)))


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any physical activity you can do? Hitting the trail or laying some punches into a heavy bag can do wonders for trigger-induced anxiety.

Hang in there. Sounds like you are coping in as healthy a way as possible.


Posts: 6995 | Registered: Dec 2010
BFFGone
♀ Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Turn on some music that inspires you?

Hope you are doing ok!!
xoxox


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for encouragement. I'm feeling better. I put alot of my thoughts to paper for when she gets home. Went food shopping with my 2nd oldest. Even played xbox with the kids.

She did text me with updates, but it's not the same.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 7

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