My DD is within 1 week of our wedding anniversary...I can relate.
I also can relate to that detached feeling you had last year before you knew about your husbands infidelity. I felt this too. And, like you, I never thought that an affair would be the main driver for this. In fact, I enlisted the help of a counselor for the first time in my life during that period.
I went because I had such serious anxiety that it was affecting my life and family. While some anxiety was a part of my world on its own, a bulk of the extreme feeling was connected to my wifes affair and her (ability, desire, choice?) to disconnect from me...a disconnection that happened before the A really even started...its just that once the A started I feel a full disconnect was chosen by my wife...and this was the threshold that got me off-center and contacting a counselor.
I see this now...didnt at the time.
During this process I have come to realize that my unreasonably high anxiety issues are actually a STRENGTH of mine...and they are a strength for you too. it is proof positive that we possess the ability to unvail the charade that our spouses worked so hard at creating and maintaining. The reason we did not use our anxiety in the way that it was given to us was that we, ourselves, never even considered an A to be an option for our spouses.
Now that we are aware of this we will easily detect if our fWS's choose to "cope" with life in a similar destructive fashion in the future.
It is odd to see anxiety as a "gift"...but if it is managed in a constructive, honest way (and not an obsessive one) it is a gift. It gives us another tool from which to accept and work through lifes trials....and by that I mean a tool to DETECT that there really is an issue present. make sense?
Intellectually and emotionally....ahhhh, to get the two in rythm again. That is a goal of mine as well.
Dont have any insight on how to fully do this yet but, given the two choices it is my feeling that the intellectual truths are a wiser choice then the emotional truths. A third choice is to do nothing, of course.
I have come to this conclusion from many different "growth opportunities" (ie. pain...my internal pain and witnessing the pain within my wife).
If my wife had chosen the intellectual truth that she took vows to me and chose to honor that intellectual truth vs chose to ignore that intellectual truth and chose the emotional truth of the moment we would not be struggling with her A.
We might very well be struggling with a troubled marriage...and all that goes with that...but would not be struggling with the A.
To put it on me....If I had chosen the intellectual truth that part of my vows to my wife was to "honor and protect" her instead of the emotional truth that I had a right to hurt her for hurting me, we would not be having to work through the hurts of what I said and did to her following my discovery of her A...mean and hateful things that hurt her and made her feel vulnerable. Actions that are the opposite of what my vows intellectually told me to do.
I can sense your impatience...your wondering "is this really going to be my life forever?" feeling...I have had them too.
Another thing this trial has taught me...change is inevitable. For a while, my experience with change is it was always getting worse...thank you trickle truth. But now I see it reversing...maybe it is really reversing, maybe it is that my perspective is changing and the way I react to change is getting healthier.
Like I said...I havent got this figured out yet....but I am willing and able to figure more out at this time. I sense you are too.
Hang in there!
God be with you.