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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Missing trust of the past
stillcrying4ever
♀ Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 years ago a girlfriend and I hiked around Mt Rainer. 98 miles, gone for 12 nights.

Will I ever be able to go again?

Missing the trust. Don't know if I will ever be able to leave for that long again and have such a wonderful time with a good friend.

Everything is different and will never be the same again.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, crap, I just read your profile and see that YOU are the BS...so sorry! Will he read this? He needs to do all of this stuff. My SAfWH is gradually earning my trust. Will I go away for 12 days? IDK. But I am doing more for myself than I would have two years ago. I am going out with friends, planning things without him, I would NOT have done that before-too paranoid.

It takes a long time before we trust ourselves to TRUST them not to hurt us. And it IS up to them to do the things needed. My last bit stands, if he isn't willing to build that trust bank, you need to reassess your situation...

Hugs...

Maybe. The key is to build the trust bank little by little, minute by minute. Every time you are where you say you will be, do what you say you would do, show patience and remorse for you actions, it builds the confidence in your spouse that you can be trusted, that HE can trust himself. And each time there is revelation of a NEW truth, or another lie, no matter how small, the clock starts all over again. He'll think, "It I can't trust her on the small things, how can I trust her not to cheat?!"

TOTAL and COMPLETE transparency, no holds barred.

My SAfWH cheated on me for many years. SA is very hard to beat. He has been sober for a number of years. Do I fret when he goes off to his boat? Of course I do. But I can track him, if I choose to, he is ALWAYS available by phone, if I need to, I see exactly how and where he spends money, I know all his passwords, etc. All of these are things HE has put in place to reassure me. I rarely check, but knowing I can if I need to is comforting.

It takes time. And commitment on your part to be consistent. He has had his world shattered by the person he put all his trust in. THAT should be your primary focus. If you aren't willing to do all of it, you need to reassess your situation...

"Everything is different and will never be the same again."

Without a doubt...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:51 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
stillcrying4ever
♀ Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat...He is the fwh. I have had my world shattered by the person I put all my trust in... Sorry for the confusion.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I'm sorry. You and I have been married a long time. This woman sounds seriously deranged and you have been through more than any human should have in a very short period of time.

He NEEDS to do all those things I described when I thought I was addressing a WS. My husband has and I am slowly coming out of my high alert stage. YOU are only just beginning to heal, your d-day is so recent.

You need trauma therapy. And I sent you a PM.

Hugs, honey.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Topic Posts: 4

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