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User Topic: Should I notify ow about hsv1?
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was tested in Feb for all stds. The hsv antibody test came back positive but because I had contracted it so recently, they couldn't tell me if it was type 1 or type 2. I was told that I could come back in six months to determine for certain which it was.

I decided instead to have my husband tested (which I should have done immediately after dday but HB made me stupid). My husband tested positive for HSV1. I'm fairly convinced that he got this from the OW since I've been with him for 15 years and neither of us have ever tested positive for anything and because my test showed that I'd contracted it recently.

I hate the thought of breaking NC, but this woman is on every dating site out there and obviously has no problem with unprotected oral sex with married med. Also, she has a young child. Advice?


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In this case..I would say yes. But you break it..not your WH. Send her a short email..tell her and then tell her no more contact.

The only reason I say tell her is because she is on dating sites having sex with married men...and they have unsuspecting wives at home.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, she should be contacted. Do you have her mailing address? I would send her a letter with a printout of your medical records. I would make it brief statung she needs to get tested and there is to be no further contact. Send it via certified mail so she has to sign for it.

Edited to add - you write and send it, not your FWH. Good Luck and sorry you have to deal with this.

[This message edited by cliffside at 7:48 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, but I'd write that this, from Confused615,
because she is on dating sites having sex with married men...and they have unsuspecting wives at home

is the only reason you are letting her know and that there us to be no further contact in any way.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
missyb32641
♀ Member
Member # 35656
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want remain anonomys there are email post cards that can be sent. No sender info is needed just her email address and a brief message if you feel the need to say anything.


ME: BS 41
Him FWH 43
Married 20 years together 22 at the time.
Working thru R.

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Florida
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have her email address and I have contacted her in the past with a rather scathing email. She then emailed my husband at work threatening to contact police for harassment, but I in no way threatened her. I only voiced my opinion in the heat of the moment the day before I went for my std tests. She is an attorney and I guess she thought her threats would frighten me. I have not contacted her since. I can't see that informing her that she needs to be tested could be construed as harassment but I do worry because my husband has described her as manipulating and unstable. She's also done nutty things like fill a Pinterest board with true love, broken heart soul mate crap, and then insults at me. Should I just be careful about my wording and keep it brief? I'm also worried that she will message my husband at work again and he does not agree that I should contact her.


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No but I would kick my H out she is probably the one who gave it to him.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, HSV 1 is so widespread that most people would test positive -- and a very large number would have acquired the virus before they were sexually active.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I are in R and its going extremely well. I'm also a mad hatter and I realize that this could have easily happened the other way around years ago when I cheated. I've forgiven him for this, but I think it's a rather serious health issue since researching it, even though my dr seemed to shrug it off. After my own affair 11 years ago, I got tested for everything and was clean. My marriage is going extremely well now and on one hand I don't want to rock the boat, but on the other, I don't want another woman to be in my shoes because of this ow and her "dating" habits.


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree later that it is widespread, but my test did confirm that I'd contracted it recently. Also, I was tested in the past and negative. My husband admits to unprotected oral sex with her so I'm betting that this is where it came from. Hsv1 can be spread to the genitals and it really just depends on a persons immune system whether or not you get breakouts.


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to tell your WH after you have emailed her,so he is prepared to hear from her..and the two of you need to discuss what he is to do if that happens..if she calls,he should hang up. If she emails he needs to not respond. I think having a plan would help both of you feel better about her possibly contacting him.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would examine some legal considerations for this...is there a possibility you or your H could be sued?

Also, is it possible that a safe friend could contact her for you instead of you doing it?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HSV-1 isn't (necessarily) sexually transmitted so contacting her about this might not be in your best interest.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 9:05 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 634 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can a health care provider and/or a health department send her a notice? I wouldn't communicate with her at all.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can a health care provider and/or a health department send her a notice? I wouldn't communicate with her at all.

I would go this route so she does not know it came from you guys. If she is really running about - she will have no clue who it could be anyways.

PLUS....if she tests positive, it will be interesting to see if YOU guys get a courtesy call/email to be tested.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most people who test postive for HSV-1 (cold sore virus) are exposed as children.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 634 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I should just let it be. My dr didn't seem concerned and I'm probably just obsessing because I'm so disgusted by the whole thing. I truly hope that she's not out there spreading it about but I'm not responsible for her actions or the actions of other married men on pof. It just breaks my heart to think of another wife having to go through this. hsv1 does usually just cause cold sores, but it can be spread to genitals or eyes. in small children they can end up with a throat filled with blisters from drinking after someone with it or an innocent kiss.


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ and for these reasons,the OW should be told.

You could just create another email account and send her a short email anonymously.

Of course,telling her doesn't mean she will get tested..or stop exposing married men..and their wives..and their children..but at least you will sleep well knowing you did the right thing.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason your doctor wasn't concerned is because HSV-1 is the virus that causes cold sores. This woman may be a terrible person, but she is not putting anyone in danger. Contacting her won't be about helping anyone--it will only be about you and a desire to connect with her. She doesn't deserve any of your time or energy.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 10:14 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 634 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will discuss it with my husband when he gets home today and let him know that it's weighing heavily on my mind. I'd like him to be on the same page with me as far as contacting her. I'll keep everyone posted on how it goes and I really appreciate all of the advice.


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 30
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