SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I grew up knowing my Dad had a long term affair and there was OC same age as me. He had various affairs when I grew up. I hated that there was always some other woman and my mother suffered through it. It left me deeply scarred.

My previous relationship ended when my boyfriend had an affair. I actually didnt know that I was the OW for a while as his wife left him and moved overseas. When I found out he had gotten D in secret. Big fight about it and then he had A. This ended in 2010. My current relationship is two years old and my husband had EA. I believe it wasnt PA- yet.

I feel like leaving him because he was unfaithful. He sort comfort and validation outside of our relationship.

Am I over reacting? Or am I punishing him now for my past? I couldn't control my Dads disgusting behavior, I didnt know about my ex boyfriend and his lies. I know about my husbands emotional infidelity and I can control what happens. Is this why I want a divorce? D-day was a month ago.

No, men aren't always unfaithful. You have the terrible misfortune of being hurt repeatedly.

You aren't overreacting, especially if your WH was aware of your past situation wrt infidelity.

Ditto,

It was my wife that had two affairs. Of course the OM cheated to, but not a women are single in affairs.

AStar,

It must seem that way from your perspective, but except in the case of same sex affairs (which do happen) for every cheating man/woman their is a member of the opposite sex participating. I know how you feel - I could of written the same post with respects to my mom, first wife, and current wife.

I'm sorry fit your pain. I know it can seem that way, but not men and not all women cheat. This site is proof of that.

I have a question. Are in IC? It seems like you're in a pattern. It seems to me that you're picking men with the same traits similar to your father. Do you know what I mean? It's like how some women bounce from one abusive relationship to another until they figure what's in them "making" (for lack of a better word) pick those men.

I hope I explained myself the right way.

(((Hugs)))

You are not overreacting. You are still dealing with unresolved issues from your childhood,but that doesn't mean what your husband did isn't wrong or a betrayal. He cheated on you.

Im curious as to why you think it wasn't physical?

You are very new..very raw. We recommned waiting 6 months to a year before making a big decision like divorce..but that also depends on how your WH is treating you right now.

Is he transparent?

Do you have full access to all of his accounts and his cell..passwords included?

Does he answer all of your questions without anger and blame?

Is he in IC to figure out his "why?" Ok..he needed validation..why? I can assure you his "why" is deeper than that.

Did he write a NC email to OW..and you sent it..so you know it wasn't altered?

Has he even gone NC with OW?

Has her BH been told?

Has he blocked her from being able to contact him? Does he own his shit?

Not all men cheat. We have some wonderful,faithful betrayed husbands here on SI. I understand why you think they all do..but not all of them do.

Welcome.

You've obviously had a bad series of experiences, but there are many great men out there that have been nothing but faithful. A few have already posted to you on this thread.

As to your questions, there isn't a right path or wrong path as to staying or leaving. You need to decide what you are capable of doing. If you know you'll never be able to trust him again than leaving and moving on might be better. However you can choose to try and work through things. Maybe you can expand on your current feelings with your H. Do you love him? Do you feel this was a poor choice or that it is in his character to behave this way again? Do you know why he made the choice he made and what is he doing so that this situation doesn't happen again?

I'm sorry that you have had so much of this in your life.

My Wh told me when I first found out about his infidelities that most people cheat and I was lucky that he didn't cheat until into our 24 year of M, so it was no big deal. Yes, he did say that. WTH! He now thinks otherwise after his head got out of his ars.

I believe that there are very good people out there that solve their problems in a better way.

Please be kind to yourself and know that it's not your fault. A good IC if you can go to one, will help in sorting through your emotions in having to deal with so much in your life.

And as another poster said, you don't have to make a decision right now to stay or go. Let it process first.

In reading blogs about men and relationships to understand this gender - I know women cheat too but you asked about men - I think a too-high percentage of them cheat. Not all, but during a life line of a marriage, statistics show over 60 percent of them do.

Some cheat always. Some don't cheat and are good guys mostly, but seem to fall into affairs at certain crisis timelines of a marriage.

The new problem, some of which I think you've been experiencing, is technology. It caters to the ancient harem-building desires in the DNA of some males, part of a need to have every woman they've ever crushed on to love them the best of anyone else, forever, and to always be wanted sexually whether they want the women sexually in return or not.

Now, the problem is that young men these days rarely stop contacting their past girlfriends ever - no closure. They will walk down the aisle and marry with happy tears in their eyes and you'd think they are so in love with the bride. But he may have texted the "maybe I should have married you" to an old flame before walking down that aisle, and some of them have full EAs going on cell-phone or Facebook with girls ranging from high school crushes to college girlfriends to the young single co-workers or their first jobs. An EA is the ultimate slippery slope and sooner or later, a meet-up will occur.

In pre-technology days, people had to make a deliberate choice to cheat. No contact was the norm and ended an old girlfriend EA or relationship by distance, time and moving on in life. A guy couldn't call an old girlfriend at home or her husband and kids could answer the home phone. Same if old girlfriend called him. Couldn't ring phone late at night or everyone in the old flame's house heard the ring and asked about it. Boss would see phone bills at the office and throw a fit if long-distance charges were made to an employee's old flame

People still cheated (like on "Mad Men") but it was more of a deliberate choice rather than what seems to be an EA lifestyle for some young men.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

So sorry for what you are going through.

It sounds like the men in your current/past relationships are similar to your Father. It's not unusual for people to choose a partner similar to a parent, even when they have negative traits. Perhaps this is why you have had a pattern of men that behave like your Father. In other words, not all men are the same, but you are attracted to the same type of men.

Not this man. Through dating, three serious relationships and nearly 10 years of marriage, I have never ever cheated on any woman I have been involved with.

Men like myself are not uncommon. Take heart. We're out there.

Yes, I believe all men cheat. Men are visual in their sexuality and naturally attracted to beautiful women. Sex starts in the "mind" and an unchecked mind can turn lust into actions.

My definition of cheating is if you think it, lust it, imagined it...you did it!

The male brain can not tell the difference between "looking"..i,..e..(visually) at a woman and completing the sex act and actually "physically" being with a woman and completing the sex act. His mind and brain can not tell the difference and will respond the same..this is what research has proven.

Yes, I believe all men cheat. Men are visual in their sexuality and naturally attracted to beautiful women. Sex starts in the "mind" and an unchecked mind can turn lust into actions.

My definition of cheating is if you think it, lust it, imagined it...you did it!

The male brain can not tell the difference between "looking"..i,..e..(visually) at a woman and completing the sex act and actually "physically" being with a woman and completing the sex act. His mind and brain can not tell the difference and will respond the same..this is what research has proven.

Well screw it then. I'll just go ahead and move myself to the wayward forum.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 1:46 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

Monica63...

I realize that you're brand new, but please read the forum guidelines (to the left in the yellow box) and refrain from generalizing.

It's very hurtful and terribly unfair to say something like that when we have a large community of very faithful men that post on this site.

Thank you.

I would also like to add...

What had been missing in my relationship with my SAWH was "intimacy". I, as a woman, crave it... It is a "need" not just a want.

Come back,wonderboy! Come back!

Yes, I believe all men cheat.

That's got to be super hurtful to the men who come here shortly after having their hearts ripped out and handed to them.

I guess I can still post in here , but does this mean I am now forbidden from posting in JFO?

I am so confused by my new status.

DS,

I in no way meant to offend. I can only say what "I" personally believe.

I will refrain from sharing my belief's in the future.

I apologize to anyone if my personal point of view offended you. Please understand it was only "my" point of view.

Yes, I believe all men cheat. Men are visual in their sexuality and naturally attracted to beautiful women. Sex starts in the "mind" and an unchecked mind can turn lust into actions.

My definition of cheating is if you think it, lust it, imagined it...you did it!

The male brain can not tell the difference between "looking"..i,..e..(visually) at a woman and completing the sex act and actually "physically" being with a woman and completing the sex act. His mind and brain can not tell the difference and will respond the same..this is what research has proven.