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User Topic: Must men always be unfaithful?
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monica63, in no way are you being told not to share your thoughts feelings or opinion. Its your opinion and you have a right to that. BUT if a bh said," all women are cheaters" would you be offended? Would you think thats an unfair generalization of women?

Im just sayin'....not trying to step on any toes.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize to anyone if my personal point of view offended you.

That's called a "not-pology" Monica. You apologize that you offended, not that your statement is offensive. Just because it's your opinion doesn't make it free from being criticized.

If you lump men like me in with men who are actually unfaithful, you're going to live a very, very lonely life.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...in my opinion not all men cheat and Not all women cheat.

BUT....

Its a Fact: women cheat, men cheat...people cheat...but not all people cheat.

I dont trust people..but its more a fear of being fooled by either gender.


You just cant generalize like that about men or women. Its not logical or factual
Edited cuz wanted to clarify..

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 2:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to post here the following:

Well - I'm way too familiar with too many cheating men so I might tend to agree with you EXCEPT - some of my best friends are men who are constantly asking me "why do all women cheat" and I want to smack them so *I* can't think the same thing can I?

Then I thought my would be inappropriate and saw some other wiser people had posted things like - unless they are same sex cheating there is always a male and female involved so....

Sometimes when you are very hurt and trying to explain things in words typed, not conversation, it is hard to not step on toes and if you feel pretty comfy here just letting all your angst out and questions like this are in your head and we're supposed to be understanding and helpful...

well what a mess!

I sometimes had the same thoughts as you. I am happy I had friends and family to remind me not everyone is bad, look for the good - be careful, be wise, but believe it is there.

That is where I am now.

Instead of looking for relationships I'm paying more attention to "individuals" and interactions instead - it even makes work easier.

Everyone is so different generalizations are impossible.

Its nice when you see things and have a "aha! not alone!" moment - there are trends, traits, categories, etc. but really everyone is themselves.

When you are in such a bad place yourself it is HARD to remember that.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunflowergirl,

No, I wouldn't be offended. But there again, that's just me. (sigh)

We all have our own life experiences to draw upon when forming opinions and belief's. I am an honest person...sometimes without tact in my expressions.

My "generalization" is the result of my "own" experiences and no one else. I can see where I should have stated that in my post as this was my meaning. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My definition of cheating is if you think it, lust it, imagined it...you did it!

I think maybe you need to look at this a little closer, because if this is your definition I think everyone is guilty. You say:
What had been missing in my relationship with my SAWH was "intimacy". I, as a woman, crave it... It is a "need" not just a want.
Can you honestly say you have never had a single THOUGHT about having this ‘intimacy’ with anyone besides your WH? You have never CONSIDERED sharing just a little more than you should? If not, then per your own words you are guilty of an EA, at least.


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 404 | Registered: Jul 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of all the shoes I'm guilty of cheating with now.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AStar,

I personally broader my comment to why does it seem I am surrounded by A's

I caught my dad at a pay phone one weekend and a few months later they divorced. - Since my own D day I have new hatred for what my dad did to my mom.

My first girl friend cheated on me with my best friend. I have one friend at school and we used to eat lunch together. POS would actually ask me how it was going with girlfriend! Oh forgot that same girlfriend admitted to me that she cheated on a previous boy friend. Yes major red flag, but I was young and she was my first.

Another friend of mine cheated on his wife. He got caught because the next door neighbor heard his phone conversations in her baby monitor.
To this day this is the funniest (not in a ha ha way) way I have heard about getting caught.

Now, wife of 16 years admits after getting caught to a 15 year A. I have decided to R and while it is going pretty good, I am expecting the other shoe to fall and really am not sure what I will do it if happens again?

So I seem to be surrounded by such weak ass people! I am no Saint, and have things I can improve, but I cannot begin to understand how you commit an A.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nomoreplease,

Nope, I can honestly say I haven't lusted after any man. My father was a sex addict and I have had 3 sex addicted husbands... I have been pretty much turned off by sexually aggressive people all my life. Sex addiction has caused much pain in my life. I am working on recovery with my SAH now because instead of running away, I am choosing to face and for once in my over come this type of pain that has been a constant in my life since I was a child.


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ArableSands -

In the future, if you have a question or concern, pm a mod. Leave the modding to the mods. Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:07 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 34777 | Registered: Mar 2011
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can honestly say I haven't lusted after any man
What is your definition of lusting?


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 404 | Registered: Jul 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My father was a sex addict and I have had 3 sex addicted husbands... I have been pretty much turned off by sexually aggressive people all my life
.

I am not trying to be snide, but something needs to be examined here. I am no expert in this, but when you state that you have been turned off by sexually aggressive people pretty much all your life, does it mesh with the fact that you have surrounded yourself with (as you put it) sex addicts?

Admittedly, I don't know crap about Sex addicts, but it would seem to me that you equate mental thoughts with an individual being "sexually aggressive." It would follow then that a sex addict would be a sexually aggressive person.


I am working on recovery with my SAH now because instead of running away

Leaving a toxic individual isn't running away, it's running towards being healthy. It's one thing to try to help someone, but you can't change your husband, only he can. If a wayward isn't capable or willing to change, "running away" may be the healthiest thing that a person can do.
Hell, even if a person is willing to do everything to change into a safe spouse, there is no shame in leaving a relationship that has had its trust and foundation willingly destroyed.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 3:17 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monica63, We are all on here because infidelity/betrayal has touched our lives in some way. A lot of pain going on here. Im sure i have offended others during my years here since I joined in 2010 of July.

It saddens me deeply at the thought of all the people out there struggling ALONE through the mess of infidelity.

Only you know the experiences that have shaped your opinions. I want to validate that. Maybe some bh's here on SI will help change that view. See your pain and help you see that not all men hurt, betray.

Hope im not offending you. If it wasnt for this place. Somedays i would be so lost. If it wasnt for other betrayed spouses support id be so very lost.


Shout out to sistermilkshake


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My definition of "lusting" is thinking about, fantasizing about, desiring another man besides my husband in any (physical, emotional, intimate way).
I have always tried to be what "I" desired from,.. and be what "I" would want myself,... from a husband. In other words, I give in a relationship what I want in a relationship for myself. Integrity (honesty) is at the top of my list. If it is anything other than that ...whats the point to my mind?


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wonderboy,

I don't consider it snide, I think it a very valid question.
I haven't gone out of my way to "seek" out sex addicts to marry. I have actually questioned myself why this keeps showing up in my life. I think this is more of an "intimacy" issue now more than ever. I think this is why I am here reading about other peoples experience and exploring this possibility.

My SAH is doing IC and we are working on the SA issues, where they came from, why SA is used as a drug, and how we can apply this to our lives as an "improvement" instead of a detriment.

I had to learn how men "think" about sex and intimacy because it is different for me in the ways I think about it.

I struggle with many issues regarding how the men I have loved have hurt me with their sexual addiction ...as a woman it directly affects me on all fronts. Treating women as "objects" to be used and discarded, their worth evaluated as how they can "benefit" a mans sexual desire... just isn't ok with me. I have been told by many IC that "it has nothing to do with me"...(my response)...Really?


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know about my husbands emotional infidelity and I can control what happens. Is this why I want a divorce? D-day was a month ago.
For some of us BSs, infidelity is an automatic deal breaker. If that is how it you feel then it's the right decision for you.
With what you lived through as a child,I would say some serious digging into yourself is needed.
I didn't have infidelity in my family growing up but had two marriages end because of infidelity. I'm now working on my issues that attracted me to such broken people and why I ignored the red flags.

I'm a good person and believe the best in people but I also need my personal boundaries in place and solid. I lost that during my 25+ yr marriage.
Big Hugs . I do believe an EA is just as painful and bad as a PA.
ETA: I don't believe all men are cheaters or women either. I know too many that wouldn't think of cheating as a solution to problems in the relationship or entitlement.
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 3:51 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20368 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Dad was unfaithful...but for every unfaitful man their is an unfaithful woman.

Before adultery entered my marriage I, too, felt this was a "man only" issue.

Now I see how short sided my thinking was. Who did I think these men were sleeping with? In my personal experience with adultery, my wife was an equal partner. I work with a married girl who I consider to be the an aggressive partner to infidelity. I also work with a once married, no divorced because of his multiple affiars boy that seeks this as well...any surprise they got together?

I feel your pain and am sorry your experience around men has been so poor. Do not give into the false assumption that all men are cheaters...that will prohibit you from some very fullfilling relationship while in this world. And you stand as good a chance as the next person to have a fullfilling relationship with a man if you remain open to it. And, dang, I know that is hard to do when you see the statistics out there with regards to the high rate of infidelity and combine it with the multiple hurts you have experiencef personally in your own life. But God desires us to rise above our past...not get stuck there...and grow into the child he intends for all of us. He has the same desirs for WS too. I also pray they dont get stuck there and judge their future by their past.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:54 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: This has been a total T/J to the Original Poster, sorry. I will be done after this.

Monica-


I had to learn how men "think" about sex and intimacy because it is different for me in the ways I think about it.

But what's the paradigm of a man for you? Is it the father figure or the other sex addicts in your life? Or is it all men in general? If it's based on the SA model, then your version of "how men think" isn't going to be applicable to other men. Even if your model of how men think isn't based on a SA mind, how can your conclusions not be jaded by your entire life experience of being raised and subsequently married to sex addicts?

I'm just pointing out that your conclusion on "how men think" may be skewed.

I definitely think that we, as individuals have different thoughts about sex and intimacy. After all, my wife thinks (thought) it was perfectly o.k. to sleep with another married man..and I disagreed with her on this little point.

I have been told by many IC that "it has nothing to do with me"

It doesn't.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 3:55 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to learn how (the) men (in MY life)"think" about sex and intimacy because it is different for me in the ways I think about it.

fixed it for ya

[This message edited by stilllovingher at 3:55 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2407 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunflowergirl,

Yes, We all have had so much pain in our lives. This is what we share. I hope to grow from the pain in my life and not allow it to "own" me.

I have paid the price to gain some wisdom from all of this, sometimes in a fetal position in the corner, wondering "why"?

It is so easy to love...why not "choose" love? That has always been "my" question.


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
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