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User Topic: Must men always be unfaithful?
AStar
♀ Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I grew up knowing my Dad had a long term affair and there was OC same age as me. He had various affairs when I grew up. I hated that there was always some other woman and my mother suffered through it. It left me deeply scarred.
My previous relationship ended when my boyfriend had an affair. I actually didnt know that I was the OW for a while as his wife left him and moved overseas. When I found out he had gotten D in secret. Big fight about it and then he had A. This ended in 2010. My current relationship is two years old and my husband had EA. I believe it wasnt PA- yet.
I feel like leaving him because he was unfaithful. He sort comfort and validation outside of our relationship.
Am I over reacting? Or am I punishing him now for my past? I couldn't control my Dads disgusting behavior, I didnt know about my ex boyfriend and his lies. I know about my husbands emotional infidelity and I can control what happens. Is this why I want a divorce? D-day was a month ago.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, men aren't always unfaithful. You have the terrible misfortune of being hurt repeatedly.

You aren't overreacting, especially if your WH was aware of your past situation wrt infidelity.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto,
It was my wife that had two affairs. Of course the OM cheated to, but not a women are single in affairs.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AStar,

It must seem that way from your perspective, but except in the case of same sex affairs (which do happen) for every cheating man/woman their is a member of the opposite sex participating. I know how you feel - I could of written the same post with respects to my mom, first wife, and current wife.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2011
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry fit your pain. I know it can seem that way, but not men and not all women cheat. This site is proof of that.

I have a question. Are in IC? It seems like you're in a pattern. It seems to me that you're picking men with the same traits similar to your father. Do you know what I mean? It's like how some women bounce from one abusive relationship to another until they figure what's in them "making" (for lack of a better word) pick those men.

I hope I explained myself the right way.

(((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not overreacting. You are still dealing with unresolved issues from your childhood,but that doesn't mean what your husband did isn't wrong or a betrayal. He cheated on you.

Im curious as to why you think it wasn't physical?

You are very new..very raw. We recommned waiting 6 months to a year before making a big decision like divorce..but that also depends on how your WH is treating you right now.

Is he transparent?

Do you have full access to all of his accounts and his cell..passwords included?

Does he answer all of your questions without anger and blame?

Is he in IC to figure out his "why?" Ok..he needed validation..why? I can assure you his "why" is deeper than that.

Did he write a NC email to OW..and you sent it..so you know it wasn't altered?

Has he even gone NC with OW?

Has her BH been told?

Has he blocked her from being able to contact him? Does he own his shit?

Not all men cheat. We have some wonderful,faithful betrayed husbands here on SI. I understand why you think they all do..but not all of them do.

Welcome.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've obviously had a bad series of experiences, but there are many great men out there that have been nothing but faithful. A few have already posted to you on this thread.

As to your questions, there isn't a right path or wrong path as to staying or leaving. You need to decide what you are capable of doing. If you know you'll never be able to trust him again than leaving and moving on might be better. However you can choose to try and work through things. Maybe you can expand on your current feelings with your H. Do you love him? Do you feel this was a poor choice or that it is in his character to behave this way again? Do you know why he made the choice he made and what is he doing so that this situation doesn't happen again?


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52570 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you have had so much of this in your life.

My Wh told me when I first found out about his infidelities that most people cheat and I was lucky that he didn't cheat until into our 24 year of M, so it was no big deal. Yes, he did say that. WTH! He now thinks otherwise after his head got out of his ars.

I believe that there are very good people out there that solve their problems in a better way.

Please be kind to yourself and know that it's not your fault. A good IC if you can go to one, will help in sorting through your emotions in having to deal with so much in your life.

And as another poster said, you don't have to make a decision right now to stay or go. Let it process first.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In reading blogs about men and relationships to understand this gender - I know women cheat too but you asked about men - I think a too-high percentage of them cheat. Not all, but during a life line of a marriage, statistics show over 60 percent of them do.

Some cheat always. Some don't cheat and are good guys mostly, but seem to fall into affairs at certain crisis timelines of a marriage.

The new problem, some of which I think you've been experiencing, is technology. It caters to the ancient harem-building desires in the DNA of some males, part of a need to have every woman they've ever crushed on to love them the best of anyone else, forever, and to always be wanted sexually whether they want the women sexually in return or not.

Now, the problem is that young men these days rarely stop contacting their past girlfriends ever - no closure. They will walk down the aisle and marry with happy tears in their eyes and you'd think they are so in love with the bride. But he may have texted the "maybe I should have married you" to an old flame before walking down that aisle, and some of them have full EAs going on cell-phone or Facebook with girls ranging from high school crushes to college girlfriends to the young single co-workers or their first jobs. An EA is the ultimate slippery slope and sooner or later, a meet-up will occur.

In pre-technology days, people had to make a deliberate choice to cheat. No contact was the norm and ended an old girlfriend EA or relationship by distance, time and moving on in life. A guy couldn't call an old girlfriend at home or her husband and kids could answer the home phone. Same if old girlfriend called him. Couldn't ring phone late at night or everyone in the old flame's house heard the ring and asked about it. Boss would see phone bills at the office and throw a fit if long-distance charges were made to an employee's old flame

People still cheated (like on "Mad Men") but it was more of a deliberate choice rather than what seems to be an EA lifestyle for some young men.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for what you are going through.

It sounds like the men in your current/past relationships are similar to your Father. It's not unusual for people to choose a partner similar to a parent, even when they have negative traits. Perhaps this is why you have had a pattern of men that behave like your Father. In other words, not all men are the same, but you are attracted to the same type of men.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not this man. Through dating, three serious relationships and nearly 10 years of marriage, I have never ever cheated on any woman I have been involved with.

Men like myself are not uncommon. Take heart. We're out there.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I believe all men cheat. Men are visual in their sexuality and naturally attracted to beautiful women. Sex starts in the "mind" and an unchecked mind can turn lust into actions.
My definition of cheating is if you think it, lust it, imagined it...you did it!
The male brain can not tell the difference between "looking"..i,..e..(visually) at a woman and completing the sex act and actually "physically" being with a woman and completing the sex act. His mind and brain can not tell the difference and will respond the same..this is what research has proven.


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I believe all men cheat. Men are visual in their sexuality and naturally attracted to beautiful women. Sex starts in the "mind" and an unchecked mind can turn lust into actions.
My definition of cheating is if you think it, lust it, imagined it...you did it!
The male brain can not tell the difference between "looking"..i,..e..(visually) at a woman and completing the sex act and actually "physically" being with a woman and completing the sex act. His mind and brain can not tell the difference and will respond the same..this is what research has proven.

Well screw it then. I'll just go ahead and move myself to the wayward forum.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 1:46 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monica63...

I realize that you're brand new, but please read the forum guidelines (to the left in the yellow box) and refrain from generalizing.

It's very hurtful and terribly unfair to say something like that when we have a large community of very faithful men that post on this site.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198232 | Registered: May 2002
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also like to add...

What had been missing in my relationship with my SAWH was "intimacy". I, as a woman, crave it... It is a "need" not just a want.


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come back,wonderboy! Come back!


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I believe all men cheat.

That's got to be super hurtful to the men who come here shortly after having their hearts ripped out and handed to them.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6805 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I can still post in here , but does this mean I am now forbidden from posting in JFO?

I am so confused by my new status.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Monica63
♀ New Member
Member # 40024
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS,

I in no way meant to offend. I can only say what "I" personally believe.

I will refrain from sharing my belief's in the future.

I apologize to anyone if my personal point of view offended you. Please understand it was only "my" point of view.


Me:BS 50
SAWH 53
DD 11/10/2012
SAWH used pornography, escorts, dating sites
Currently in Recovery

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northern Va
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I believe all men cheat. Men are visual in their sexuality and naturally attracted to beautiful women. Sex starts in the "mind" and an unchecked mind can turn lust into actions.
My definition of cheating is if you think it, lust it, imagined it...you did it!
The male brain can not tell the difference between "looking"..i,..e..(visually) at a woman and completing the sex act and actually "physically" being with a woman and completing the sex act. His mind and brain can not tell the difference and will respond the same..this is what research has proven.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 74
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