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Newest Member: lpearl (44906)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: still hurting, will i ever find someone to love again
rosebud1966
♀ New Member
Member # 40020
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi all new here. i am 47 and my fop is 49. i found out two years ago that he was cheating on me with a girl of 22 who had a little girl from a previous relationship. unfortunatly, it ended in divorce last oct. he and she now have a son together, she got pregnant before the divorce. she worked with him at a car lot she was in the office he was a manager. he makes alot of money 6 figures to be exact, and that is the reason i think she wanted him, she told me on the phone, that he told her that he would take care of her, and that she liked him, was intrigued by him, loved him. in that exact order. i have my good days and my bad days. and just like some of the posters her, all i see is he and she being happy, everything going there way. i was married to him for 20 years, dirt poor, him jumping from one job to another, i had two girls from a previous marriage and could not give him a child due to compications from the last child being born and before i got with him i told him if he wanted children i would not start up a relationship he told me he didnt want children, the day he left he told me she is going to have a son for me, i want a son. who do you know that out of the gate, they get a son right away??? thats what happened for him, he got her pregant and has a son, what was weird is that he said he was glad it was a boy because he didnt want to have to do it again. well of course not your almost 50 years old.... i was a great wife, i cooked, cleaned, did the yard work, cleaned the house, worked 60 hours a week outside the home, i paid the bills with my money so that we could save his, i laid his clothes out for him every morning, took care of him when he was sick, dealt with all of his jobs that he went through. why does she get to sit on her butt, not have to work has not worked since they got together, and reap the rewards that i should be getting. i should be getting the respect that she is getting, i should be the one treated like a princess as he calls her. i just dont get it. a month before i caught him, he was telling me how he loves me, how he couldnt live without me. i mean after i found out i literally had to shove him out the door, him dening the whole thing, than telling me how he loves her and how he loves me but not like that anymore. he just all of a sudden hated me, he changed. the person that stood up for me, and i thought would never say or do anything wrong to me was cold hearted, and became a stranger to me. he played head games with me for awhile, texted me for about a month than the text stopped, i recieve alimony from him, but he pays me when he wants and has recentley started paying less. so now i have to go back to court because he has broken the divorce decree. he would say things like you need to stop loving me so much, and when i told him i eventually would, he replys but i will always love you. he was paying my alimony to me in person, and it was killing me to see him, so i told him to start mailing it to me. he than started getting angry with me, telling me how his family told him i was spending money like water, and how he cant afford this or that. i told him, im sorry, but this will be the last time you set eyes on me, and he said i will see you again, drive safely and i will talk to you later and he drove off. he couldnt even give me the closure i so desperatly needed, yes the divorce was final but we never said goodbye to each other. and its still up in the air. i just dont think i will ever get over this, or find anyone else. im not interested in anyone else. i look at men, but they just dont measure up. will i ever, ever get over this, and find someone to love me, that i can love. and someone who will treat me better than he ever did. so so very tired.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will find someone to love, but you also need to be happy with yourself - and love yourself. You deserve that first.

I agree with him that you need to let him go, but not for his selfish reasons. It's scary to think about being alone, and having a life partner seems like its own form of security even if they're not treating you well... but it's NOT better just to be with anyone.

The truth is, the odds of you finding someone to treat you BETTER than he did are really good, because he wasn't very good to you as it turns out.

I'm glad you found us. Hopefully you can get some solace and hope as you talk with members who have been in your shoes and are doing much better now.

Sending hugs and strength.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17284 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds as if you were taken for granted. And you have a lot to give to someone who will appreciate your caring qualities. He has treated you badly over this, but it is predictable behaviour from a WS who has left for the AP as they try to get you to hate them that way they feel justified in what they are doing (she never loved me like AP does) and easier in walking away.

Expect the behaviour to continue and, most likely, escalate. Your WH and OW will close ranks and unite. The best thing you can do is ignore as much as you can, rise above it and know that your morals are better than theirs. And in a way, you can feel sorry for them. For WH for being such a fool (and we all know there is no fool like an old fool) falling for flattery from a girl so many years his junior. For OW for being materialistic and foolish enough to get pregnant, thereby restricting her future with some other decent man. Its quite pathetic really.

There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum entitled When A WS Leaves For Their OP which you might find useful and supportive. Read all you can in the Healing Library and especially on implementing the 180. Heres the link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Also read Great Posts for Newbies in this forum, Just Found Out. There is some good stuff there too.

Be gentle with yourself but know it does get better. Are you in IC?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3451 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
fadedrainbow
♀ Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((rosebud1966))))

I am so sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately it may take a long time to process all you have been through the last couple of years. Your XH sounds incredibly insensitive ( and just plain foolish) to say the least. Keep reading here, the people on SI are very wise and compassionate. If you are not in IC I would recommend you find someone to help you through this difficult time. Stand up for yourself and do not let him get away with giving you less alimony. You deserve to be happy.


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what the others are saying. Just know that it gets better, I am two years separated and have found a man who treats me they way I deserve to be treated and have never been happier


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
rosebud1966
♀ New Member
Member # 40020
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no im not in ic. sometimes i feel like i need to because if i dont im going to lose my mind. but than i hold my head up and think if the x gets this info. than thats one more power point he gets on this old gal. i will make it through this, knowing that one day he will get his. two inmoral people having a relationship together a daughter and a daddy relationship, i can just see them now, or better yet wish i could be a fly upon their wall. she gets to be treated like a spoiled little girl, and lets face it he got his son. so both are using each other for their own selfish reasons.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no im not in ic. sometimes i feel like i need to because if i dont im going to lose my mind. but than i hold my head up and think if the x gets this info. than thats one more power point he gets on this old gal. i will make it through this, knowing that one day he will get his. two inmoral people having a relationship together a daughter and a daddy relationship, i can just see them now, or better yet wish i could be a fly upon their wall. she gets to be treated like a spoiled little girl, and lets face it he got his son. so both are using each other for their own selfish reasons.

I'm trying to be gentle here, but there's a 2x4 for you.

Please read what you wrote here. You used the word "I" eight times, but none of this post is about you. It's all about him.

Hon, he's gone. He doesn't matter any more.

IC would be very good for you. If he finds out? FTG.

It's for you. Maybe you could heal without help, but IC is a way to really speed up the process, and make sure you dig into the dirty little corners to clean things up.

((rosebud))


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5153 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Topic Posts: 7

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