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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine had one POS OM who stank of cheap smokes, and was a maint man/janitor at her work. The other was a law school grad, nice suit wearin' MF.

You will never figure it out, you are using LOGIC.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you are an asshole though, how dare you not grovel at her ruined calves.

For you guys who get tired of all the manipulation and like stories of WW game plan failures. As a followup, the morning after this little pay for sex scheme failed had one of those "priceless" moments.
She said "sorry, I can see now how bad that sounded, I didn't mean it that way, want to have a quickie?"
My response, "Nay, I'm good"
Her face, holyshit, priceless! Might be the first time I ever turned it down in 16 years of dating and marriage. I just burned up her trump card, she didn't like not having that power over me. Thought a quickie would reel me back in and make a shitty play like that go away. No Dice!

All M have issues and those may well need some assistance at some point in time as well, but the first order of business needs to be her A

I fully feel this should #1 consideration when finding the right MC. The MC MUST concentrate on repairing the A issues first. Issues within the M will (and should) be a addressed at a later date. Eventually we as BS must be able to look our WW in the face and have enough compassion and love for them that we are willing to start sacrificing some of ourselves again for the better of the marriage. I'm sure that compassion comes in different time lengths for everyone, and depends greatly on the quality and amount of work the wayward puts in healing herself. I know for the most part my wife is working on things but I'm no where near hearing about something I need to do better to make her happy yet. She needs to learn to make some happiness for herself that doesn't include lubbing up for someone other than her husband.

To allow a wayward to enter into MC sessions were they are allowed to justify the A with marital issues is like licking the sweat off a stick of dynamite.
The entire A is predicated on the wayward's ability to blameshift their poor decisions onto their spouses. Allowing a "neutral" third-party to feed into those horseshit justifications should be considered out right malpractice for therapists dealing with infidelity issues.
As I've said again and again (as well as many others before me I'm sure)(I'm incapable of original thoughts)

Marital problems ARE NOT infidelity problems. Drawing that line from day 1 is paramount for the marriage to survive I think. And if the wayward can't see or refuses to see that line, I don't there is much chance for a successful R.

Brad Pitt

Any man that would go after another man's wife isn't much of a man. Maybe if he walked right up to you and said "You wife pretty, me thinks I fuck" well maybe that guy could be considered a man because at least he was honest to your face. These poser's we are dealing with do it behind our backs, in secrets, in the shadows, in other words the chicken-shit way. They aren't men, they are spineless cowards. I've stepped in piles of dog shit that have more to offer society. At least the dog shit could help grow a flower or something. They are found lacking and can't find a women for themselves, therefore they settle for sharing. I believe that what parasites do right?

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 4:17 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
gutpunch33
♂ New Member
Member # 36484
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On this exact day a year ago my wife confessed to her ONS w/ POSOM boyfriend from high school. So far today I had managed to keep myself extremely busy and around others. I just sat down at my deck and it's just hit me like a ton of bricks. The flashbacks, my skin feeling like it's on fire, heart rate up, shaking.

I don't really have any questions today, just need to get this off my chest.

I still love my wife and we are working hard towards recovery. But I continue to still feel like I was cheated. Cheated out of the chance to reflect back on my life 40-50 years from now and be proud that through all the hell we've been through, we were a team. That it was her and I against the world.

I feel betrayed and so thoroughly emasculated that I'm sure I'll never get back to who I was. In a sense, because of her indiscretion, I ended up compromising who I was in order to remain married to her. No one should ever have to compromise who they are because of someone else's horrible choice.

August 6th 2012 was undoubtedly the worst day of my life. I know there are worse things to happen to people, like losing a child. But I do know that for me this is the worst so far. I had cancer 17 years ago and that experience doesn't rise to the level of pain that this does.

I'm sure my wife is in pain today too for her actions. Today was also the day she had made up her mind to kill herself so that she wouldn't have to tell me what she did. She spent 3 days in the psyche ward, hasn't spoken to her parents in over a year (FOO issues big time) and nearly lost everything. Knowing how much pain she was/is in really is the sole reason that I have for staying with her and fighting for our marriage.

It's just miserable. Fucking miserable. And because of the shame and humiliation that it would bring if I shared this with friends and family, I really have few people to express this to.

Like I said, just need to let this out. SI has been an absolute sanity saver for me over the last year. Not sure my marriage would have survived without being able to learn from everyone else's wisdom.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gutpunch, sorry you are having a bad day. I'm only about halfway to where you are, so no words of wisdom. Just support. The bright side: you made it through the first year and you and the wife are beginning to put this ugly part of your past further in the rear view mirror. Best wishes bro.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GutPunch:
Let it out man, excise the cancer.

Cheated out of the chance to reflect back on my life 40-50 years from now and be proud that through all the hell we've been through, we were a team. That it was her and I against the world.

That is how you break a heart. In our short years together my ww and I had been through so much together. I thought she was my Bonnie to her Clyde, and we were, until Douche came along. Its a hard pill to swallow.

Feel for you brother, (and since I haven't seen any pics posted for a bit)
I don't know about you but Tequila makes me want to fight, bad news for anyone that tries to piss in my pot of gold...so this one is on me.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear you didn't like my post Tred.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with this 100% TC. I'm far from a perfect person but I wouldn't even know how to begin to compare myself to a single man who spends nearly a month sweet talking a woman who is legally and spiritually bound to another man into sleeping with him. Knowing all the time that she has 4 minor kids at home. All in the pursuit of responsibility-free sex. A single man who chooses that lifestyle over pursuing a single woman.

My eyes work perfectly, so I'm able to recognize a hot woman whether she's married or single. I can certainly understand admiring a beautiful woman regardless of her marital status. But I can't relate to someone who feels entitled to possess something that isn't theirs. To use another person over and over again for your own jollies, with no regard for the consequences suffered by others. No thanks.


Exactly. 100%
A piece of shit like that deserves no reward in life. They probably think in some warped sense they accomplished something.

I've stepped in piles of dog shit that have more to offer society. At least the dog shit could help grow a flower or something

Perfect. To me POSER's are sexual predators. Pariahs. Not good for anything. They have zero remorse. Anyone have a story of these dirt bags reaching out just to apologize? I can't recall a single one. It's always " should we contact OM"
Pathetic maggots. Wrecking homes and ruining the sanctity of a child's family security. Sounds dramatic I know but seriously. Have you heard of any one of them saying "I'm sorry I fucked up your family"

I still love my wife and we are working hard towards recovery. But I continue to still feel like I was cheated. Cheated out of the chance to reflect back on my life 40-50 years from now and be proud that through all the hell we've been through, we were a team. That it was her and I against the world.

Yeah. This is a big one. I think it's up there with the sex. This was taken away. Best friend, lover, confidant.... No more. One of my most important lines now rendered meaningless. That's a major issue.
I certainly can't go into battle if I couldn't trust my squad mates. How can I do it with the person I consider closest to me?
That is the daily struggle. Trying to find acceptance while rebuilding trust.

For you guys who get tired of all the manipulation and like stories of WW game plan failures. As a followup, the morning after this little pay for sex scheme failed had one of those "priceless" moments.
She said "sorry, I can see now how bad that sounded, I didn't mean it that way, want to have a quickie?"
My response, "Nay, I'm good"
Her face, holyshit, priceless! Might be the first time I ever turned it down in 16 years of dating and marriage. I just burned up her trump card, she didn't like not having that power over me. Thought a quickie would reel me back in and make a shitty play like that go away. No Dice!

Well played!! Great story!

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 6:37 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me POSER's are sexual predators.

Interesting take B444. Our MC used the term "predator" today to describe my wife's POSOM, first time I've heard it used in that context. Then you used the same term. I've never thought of OM in those terms before, but it makes sense. They prey on weak women who fall into marital ruts.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have a story of these dirt bags reaching out just to apologize

Think the poser in my situation tried every tactic possible (up to death jokes)to dissuade my WW from telling me. Safe to assume and apology would never happen unless I manually extracted it.
Manually extract, I like the sound of that!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear you didn't like my post Tred.

C'mon badass - you know that wasn't pointed at you . The last four threads (at least! - that's enough for me) has started out with that meme. Just suggesting that it might be played out, and we can be more creative. Give something new for the lurkers - maybe a sign that says "We know how you feel - you'll be safe here. Pull up a stool." Then, in fine print, say that by posting they agree to buy the next round.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me POSER's are sexual predators.

In AA we referred to those who preyed on the emotionally screwed up women as "cripple shooters."


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wrecking homes and ruining the sanctity of a child's family security. Sounds dramatic I know but seriously.

It doesn't sound dramatic to me. It sounds accurate.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last four threads (at least! - that's enough for me) has started out with that meme. Just suggesting that it might be played out, and we can be more creative.
Way to stomp on tradition there.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting take B444. Our MC used the term "predator" today to describe my wife's POSOM, first time I've heard it used in that context. Then you used the same term. I've never thought of OM in those terms before, but it makes sense. They prey on weak women who fall into marital ruts.

Great coincidence Sal. I call it as I see it. After being here for awhile the picture presents itself. It's not a victimless crime. Many people suffer. POSER usually moves on to the next one unless both parties are married and they scramble to protect their own asses.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I feel like many of us probably stuck around (initially anyway, but maybe still) for our kids, I thought I'd share this poem I read online today. I try to think about this idea whenever I'm tempted to take the easy or cheap path in life.

"A careful man I want to be –
a little fellow follows me.
I do not dare to go astray,
for fear he’ll go the self-same way.
I cannot once escape his eyes.
Whatever he sees me do he tries.
Like me he says he’s going to be –
that little chap who follows me…
He knows that I am big and fine –
And believes in every word of mine.
The base in me he must not see –
that little chap who follows me…
But after all it’s easier,
that brighter road to climb,
With little hands behind me –
to push me all the time.
And I reckon I’m a better man
than what I used to be…
Because I have this lad at home
who thinks the world of me."


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's awesome, FP.
thanks.
looking back on an older post, I stated that my son will never know that he saved my life...
those little ones are a far greater blessing than they typically get credit for...


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched, did you get a chance to meet gutpunch? I think the two of you will get along fine.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later, NPD? Really?
I vote boat.

Also laughed at rsu7's

I am the resident preacher of the "get a lawyer and protect yourself" denomination.

&
To allow a wayward to enter into MC sessions were they are allowed to justify the A with marital issues is like licking the sweat off a stick of dynamite.
BOOM!

I'm the 2nd assistant co-pastor of the
"don't talk about the old, dead M" denomination.

Pointing out again! - how it is our nature, specifically as menz, to get sucked into that.
Don't. Please.

That "M discussion" derailed and delayed my healing for months. FTN.
Don't fall for it.
"It's a TARP" (mebbe our new codeword)


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These poser's we are dealing with do it behind our backs, in secrets, in the shadows, in other words the chicken-shit way. They aren't men, they are spineless cowards.

Spineless cowards indeed. When I called one of the POSERS he immediately started threatening me with a restraining order. Fucking crying like a baby. I know we all talk about being the better man and not hurting these POSERs but maybe if one time they got a good ass kicking they'd think twice about doing it again. But there I go again putting on my cape and trying to save the world from infidelity. Still though it'd be great....


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
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