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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty miffed at Dr Harley. Soon after DDay I latched on to his love bank waffle and plan A'ing and Plan B'ing my W and a lot of other tripe. Wasted a whole year. Interesting thread in general flies in the face of the whole love bank/tank malarkey; "WH reason for affair is empty love tank".

Simple summary; you cant fill it if its broke or you aint paying for fuel. besides; did the BS have a full tank while you were whining and eventually fucking your way into filling it with strangers?

Actually, (and speaking of which) the main point of my post was...

SG you're awesome.... (no, not the stuff above, though that is grade-A stuff)

but this...

Fuck that love tank stuff, I want a sex jet. With lasers.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse me but
Your love tank has sprung a leak.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, way too much to comment on this evening.

Gotta put the lights in the clubhouse though.

ETA spelling

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:11 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's 0025 hrs

Do you know where your WW is?

This has been a public service announcement.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hell yes!!! Sound asleep in our bed. Anything else and the doors are locked. Then, I'm busy putting stuff in Hefty bags.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanted to share, segue from the NB thread (oh yes, I peek);

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD-4aNxuCws

SI friends beat therapy any day!!!!

or, as WWS (paraphrased); if you spent more on therapy and self help in the past year than on food and essentials; you basically have first world 'non' problems.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
ChesterChump
♂ New Member
Member # 38094
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tfkeel,
I completely agree with regarding D. The problem I have, and I think many must have, is that I'd have 50% custody at best. If a WW is willing to do the completely negligent and selfish shit they did while they were married just imagine what would happen if they had no constraints on them. In my case, WW basically was trying to create a second/new family during the day with our kids and OM's kids (he was also a stay at home parent like her) while I was at work. She stopped short of telling the kids to call him "daytime daddy" but that was about the extent of her discretion.

If she'd give me full custody I'd file Monday morning but that's not going to happen. So I'm stuck with her just so I can be the father I want to be and to protect the kids from the string of loser boyfriends she'd immediately start bringing home. Of course those boyfriends would have exactly the same amount of time with the kids as me and consequently influence on them.

I really hope I can figure out how to live with this unremorseful monster who is laying next to me giggling in her sleep as I type this because hoping she has a sudden fatal heart attack or is killed in a freak washing machine accident sure doesn't feel like a long-term solution.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2013
ChesterChump
♂ New Member
Member # 38094
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somewhat related...no, it's completely unrelated but I think it's funny and I've got nobody to tell who'd understand. Tonight the kids, WW, and I were playing Monopoly. She had to pay me a large amount of rent and handed me a stack of mixed bills. I unconsciously started counting the stack and when I realized what I was doing, which never would have happened pre-A, I looked up and saw the most amazing scowl on her face. I just smiled and kept counting.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chester's wife: *scowling*

Chester: See, I told you. It's not a problem that you lied to me. The problem is, I can't trust you anymore.


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tfkeel
♂ New Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hope I can figure out how to live with this unremorseful monster who is laying next to me giggling in her sleep

You can live through anything. Concentration camp, torture, solitary confinement.

love bank/tank malarkey

Doesn't apply in every case. There are some cheaters who are just plainly worthless sluts with no moral compass.

I could have "filled her tank" to complete overflow and she would have STILL screwed anything that walked on two legs, or four.


Posts: 37 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have "filled her tank" to complete overflow and she would have STILL screwed anything that walked on two legs, or four.


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have "filled her tank" to complete overflow

Am I the only one who reads something indecent in that? As in "indecent" - when your doodads are slapping against the bombay doors, you're indecent.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my favorite sayings. I have yet to use it on WW in reference to NC or future transgressions although I may just say fuck it at anytime

"There will come a time to be the hammer and I will strike and strike hard"

In reference to a D.
My thoughts today:

If I allow the mind movies my thoughts grow grim. I have to either dwell on it to keep me honest and true in my demeanor and direction or push them aside to keep my day pleasant but either way I always find myself in disbelief and beside myself. Disgusted and dumbfounded of the betrayal committed by my supposed closest ally and confidant.
It is certainly like a Cold War after dday with diplomatic relations being tactful, pleasant, but strained. Will there be peace or war?

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:01 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't like the love tank shit at all, it's a really bad metaphor to use. On the surface it looks great - hey check it out I've been a distant and uncommunicative asshole and now her tank is dry, if I cuddle in close and chat things will work! Once you scratch that thin layer of Bullshit Brown though, it loses any and all usefulness because rather than place the fillerup requirements on the owner of the tank, it's on whatever nozzle is available to pump its sweet, sweet love fuel into that tank.

It could be relatively easy to adjust that love tank shit to something more appropriate, like "She should get out and pump her own gas before letting some random passerby hose her down in low octane love juice" but IIRC, Mr Harley aims 100% at 'preserving the marriage' and so the underlying happiness and self respect of the BS involved is completely fucking irrelevant unless it gets in the way of 'saving the marriage' - in which case it's the first thing that is thrown away.

Look at His Needs/Her Needs. There is an example scenario of a couple deeply in love, then they decide together - with the husbands encouragement - that wifey should go to school so she can get a job. They plan out all this shit together and he even pushes her to go for a 6 year.

Now here's the fun part. See, in the grown up world grown ups understand that hard work leads to less downtime. So since this gal is now following a masters degree she has less time to play tennis. Fucking tennis, I shit you the fuck not. So feeling neglected and lonely dudeface chats up some office whore and OMG LOVE TANK DEPOSITS.

Okay, it still hasn't completely broken down here yet. We can see how people that don't understand the grownup world can make honest mistakes. Dudeface should have known better but okay, he didn't, he got involved with Office Twat 2000, now how to fix it. The advice? His fucking wife needs to find more time to spend with him.

Yes, that is the advice. She needs to fill her cheating husbands love tank with tennis games because he never grew the fuck up.

I am glad to still be married to my wife, and I am happy here, but I for the fucking life of me cannot understand how any relationship could ever work at the cost of self respect like that. Its insulting. I would rather be alone and happy than married and secretly miserable just for the sake of being married. The fuck is the point of that.

eta:

Just to clarify, not saying I don't understand the point of staying married for kids/finances/etc. I don't think any of you guys here in that situation are whistling while you whip up pancakes every sunday, pretending that married life is the bees knees. Maybe you are, I dunno, but I imagine that particular scenario is probably parallel to Arlington Road and there are some really fucking cool schematics rolled up in a wall somewhere.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:30 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7099 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez SG - you been just full up of EPIC lately. Can I have summa what you're havin cuz that's too long to put in the quote thread yaknow?

I'll pick

I really don't like the love tank shit at all...because rather than place the fillerup requirements on the owner of the tank, it's on whatever nozzle is available to pump its sweet, sweet love fuel into that tank.

You shoot, you score!


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now here's the fun part. See, in the grown up world grown ups understand that hard work leads to less downtime. So since this gal is now following a masters degree she has less time to play tennis. Fucking tennis, I shit you the fuck not. So feeling neglected and lonely dudeface chats up some office whore and OMG LOVE TANK DEPOSITS.

The whole love tank scenario is just gay bullshit probably written by some douche bag justifying his own affair to the point where he wrote a whole fucking book about it.

Fuck tennis. My wife's POSER was a "tennis instructor"
You can't make this shit up and you just can't win.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: Love Tank

Message: It's all about being "happy" (just don't ask me to define what that means, it shifts daily). After all, marriage is about making each other "happy", not about commitment and devotion, right? How many cheating wives cite the fact that "I wasn't haaapyyy..." as an excuse, or something along those lines. Check the vows, I'm sure personal happiness is in there somewhere.

I don't know, but finding out that my wife slept around on me for 10 months kind of emptied my love tank. Do I now have permission to refill it any way I can, damn the consequences to others?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's 0025 hrs
Do you know where your WW is?

I remember exactly where she was at that moment - underneath me! And she seemed really glad to be there.

I call this PROGRESS.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember exactly where she was at that moment - underneath me! And she seemed really glad to be there.

I call this PROGRESS.

OUTFUCKINGSTANDING

My WW has been willing to let me fill her love tank any way I please lately.
Lots 'o lube

Anyway as usual your right on Sal. Always on target.
What invalidates that love tank bullshit is it focuses more on Haaaapiness and less on commitment. Devotion. Problem solving. Turn the other cheek and sweep it under the carpet.
Facing your problems as a couple builds a marriage. Not banging pieces of shit.
Lets face it, all the "I'm not happy" bullshit is blame shifting. They did it because they wanted strange dick just like guys are blamed all the time for getting a piece of ass.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The most insidious bullshit of this love bank crap is, so when wifey was getting her fill from strange cock, what was going on with the husbands 'bank' and did she care and after the A, does he even have a tank anymore? And if filling a tank is what is needed for M to work, what's to say she doesn't change her octane level at some point (which happens all the time, priorities and sources of happiness change all the time) and doesn't bother telling her husband or its something he cannot deliver?

Some of the best advice I've gotten is right here on SI (you guys are way more qualified) which flies in the face of the psychobabble, adultery enabling bullshit that Dr Harley and his ilk have been pushing through their website, books and forums. That advice being that each one of us is responsible for our own happiness (in a safe way) and putting that burden on someone else is far too much to ask of a single person. Even the example in his book, SAA, though not the bast case scenario by his standards, has an entirely unremorseful wife who has no regret or guilt about fucking another guy and a completely emasculated "but happy and in love" husband who doesn't mind she fucked him over, at least she stayed and that's what matters

My guess is that that's going to either become a mad hatter situation soon or that she will indeed cheat on him again because he'll be unable to fill her love bank (which already has a gaping hole in it in the back - pun intended) adequately sometime in the future.

Focusing on fixing self rather than appropriating blame is a far more healthier life skill which will play forward not only in other relationships but also provides a healthy model for kids. Expecting fill ups and working on love banks is like putting bandaid on a fracture.


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