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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has followed up today with: "I'm sorry. I can do this!!! I hope you have a great day. Love u!!!"

It is so reassuring to know that it is behind us.

Venting again.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC sorry you are having one of those days. If I was nearby I would buy you a beer.

My W had a significant amount of time post Dday where she would shut down. I think her IC called it paralyzing shame.

The fact that she alludes to a D in the future isn't cool at all. The only thing that worked for me was when I followed up that statement with, well why wait ? I didn't want a D then either, but I called her bluff. In this case it is almost certainly a bluff or Passive Aggressive thing.

Has she done anything to make amends that you list ? Or does she find excuses ? Is she clinging to the hope that this will just go away ?

Maybe you go black and white. Do this or I will file.

You may not like her, but that is because she has been pretty cruel to you. Maybe if she tried harder, it would improve ?

During this time in my life I set some boundaries of what I needed to stay. None of it was negotiable at first. It was not an agreement to R, it was agreement to not D her right away.

I gave 6 months which I would not leave or file. In return she had some things she needed to do. I removed every excuse she gave me. Followed by if you are not willing to put in the effort I can meet with the attorney tomorrow. She got mad sometimes, but I was clear. It allowed me to regain my sense of self and put the burden of her choices squarely on her. I was more than willing to let her feel the full consequences of her choices. Anything less than a D was mercy and I told her so.

Just putting that out there in case you needed a different approach.

FWIW- this only works if you let go of the fear of a D and she knows the threat of D is real. She knew if we did D, everybody would get the reason we D'd. I would be a survivor and she would be the cheating W. I was comfortable with that narrative.

It was tough and she still thinks what I did was too harsh, but it provided enough negative reinforcement to push her into doing what she needed to until she did them for herself.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
ChesterChump
♂ New Member
Member # 38094
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ArableSands, it's of course possible that they never had sex (or "sex sex" as my WW described it during +7 months of TT). I think what people are saying is that it's unwise to hang any hope on that since you're setting yourself up for a another major disappointment.

My WW insisted for roughly 3 months after DDay, both to me and her family and our therapist, that nothing beyond holding hands and hugging ever happened. We're adults and we all know what people who are "in love" and are "soulmates" do so I never bought any of that and called bullshit whenever I could. After months of TT it's gone from hand holding to kissing to sexting to blow jobs to "sex sex" to things that I never thought my WW would even do. The details don't really bother me, it's the lying and the fact that she she involved our young children with the OM and pretended to be a family while I was busting my ass at work during the day so she could be a SAHM.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2013
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GP33

Oh brother, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but the overwhelming experience is Year Two is the worst. The worst of the fog and pain of the initial discovery has faded, so you expect to feel normal, but you're not nearly healed yet. The gap between expectation and reality can be crushing.

It's like when I broke my collarbone mountain biking. Hurt like hell at first, but then I went through a long phase where it actually didn't feel too bad as long as I didn't actually try to do anything, including sitting up, lying down, waking up, going to sleep, having sex, or lifting a beer with my left hand.

Thinking "happy thoughts" had zero effect on the pace of bone growth.

Here's what happened. Your WW let the OM stick his dick in your heart by way of her pussy. There's a hole there now, and just takes a while to heal.

Be strong.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She came and apologized when I got out of bed and walked away this morning during another rant. I never walk away. She knew I was pissed. She can feel my detachment and the lack of validation is driving her crazy. I personally don't care one way or another at this point. She has caused so much damage that now that she seems to want to try it isn't making the immediate progress she wants to see. She wants to know that all is going to be ok someday. She wants to know that her efforts are going to be worth it. She wants me to get over it and move on.

I've told her my needs to R. She has tried and has done well for the last couple weeks. She finds it difficult that she might have to keep this up for a very long time. She just doesn't have the coping skills to deal with her shame and guilt and my pain and anger.

I feel the only way things will change for the better is if I put on an act for her. Build her up when I don't really believe it to be true yet. I give her credit where it is due, but she finds it difficult to understand that I'm not 'over' her banging another dude about 100 times and pretending our life together was peachy. I'm fine personally. This sucks but overall I like my life right now. It feels to me as if she just doesn't have the strength to R. I don't have the desire to live anything but an authentic life. If I'm pissed she is going to know it. I've given her the other cheek 1000s of times but now I stand up for myself. She doesn't like it and I'm not changing. What she mistakes as 'mean' is me being assertive and defining what an acceptable relationship with me looks like. She wants the old M back. She wants this to just go away. Not happening.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 1:40 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree providing feedback for what she is doing is important. It may motivate her to do more.

Telling her that you appreciate what she did for the last two weeks. It doesn't mean everything is back to normal. Doing this in a M changes it. The only thing that is acceptable is to have a better M. The old M was a good fit, for her. The new M needs to be good for you too.

Remind her these things take "years," not weeks. If she doesn't have the stomach for it, she should at least show you enough respect to be honest for a change.

If you the praise drives her and you want this to work, giving her a pat on the back is not the same thing as condoning what she did.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate to add to the distress on this page, but here goes:

We're approaching the 6-month mark. My WW has been pretty good as far as WWs go.

Saturday night we had a romantic meal, then checked into a hotel just to spend a night away from the kids. There was a movie on Showtime set in England that portrayed people filming others having sex in a local park. One scene in particular really rattled me. It showed a woman doing all kinds of nasty things, then going home and being greeted lovingly by her family. Can't recall if there was a man in the scene, but two or three kids came rushing up to greet her, and she was instantly in loving mommy mode. It looked...ugly.

Prior to Saturday, I kind of separated my wife from her affair. Maybe it was a defense mechanism. Affair = ugly; Wife = not ugly. For the first time, I really connected my wife and her affair and realize that the two are inseparable. It was ugly, and so was she.

I asked her a few questions (in a gentle tone), and she admitted that the OM could basically have her whenever he wanted. That was just the nature of their relationship. Also, she did it so frequently that it became a "habit." Just something she did 2-3 times a week. Part of her weekly routine like making dinner, helping me out at the office, and attending PTA functions. Squeeze in some hot sex and a few stolen moments with the boyfriend, rush off in time to pick the kids up from school.

The reality of that hit me like a right cross. Betraying me was as routine as anything else she did. Tending to her boyfriend, tending to her husband and kids, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. - just all a day in the life of this woman.

No moral qualms, no shame, no high anxiety...nothing. That came later, only when she had to face the destruction and pain that she caused.

And this is the woman I married.

I haven't had a good day since. More accurately, I haven't a painless waking moment since. It's not about what she did - I've accepted the gory details. Now it's about who she was, or maybe still is. And for 5 days now it's been a mindworm that has me reeling.

Can anyone else relate to this? Someone tell me that this is just a phase.

ETA: If nothing else, this experience has taught me that I can never let my guard down. Potential triggers are everywhere.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GutPunch:
I'm only 4 months out so can't really help with your question. Only know this I was looking forward to that 3 month imaginary line for things to start changing. Now I'm waiting for that 6 month line, after that I'm sure I'll be looking at that 1yr line to start moving forward. It's hard not to hope that, I want it to work that way. But I know it won't. Those time marks are imaginary. Its the work we do within ourselves that allows time to do its job. Waiting for the day you forget and move on, that day on its own will never come.

AS:
I think what everyone here is trying to say (sorry to generalize guys, if you don't agree tell me to shut my hole!) is we hope to hell your right, we all want that for you man, truly we do. Just be prepared is all. If you were on the Titanic and seen the iceberg coming, where would you be? You'll find my ass right next to a lifeboat, you should be there too!

My WW is also a terrible liar. Shit that sounds like a giant oxymoron considering the circumstances we all find ourselves in. I should clarify she is a terrible liar when it comes to answering directly. Aa she likes to say "I never straight out lied to you, I lied by omission" Bullshit, but anyway....
I got the same story you got at first, the way she put it was "we were only together physically a hand full of times." At first I took that, it passed the gut test from what at the time I had evidence of, her story never changed, it matched up. However physically together turned into a whole helluva lot more. Driving around turned into BJ's, sitting together in her office turned into handjobs, talking turned into making out with me outside waiting in the car, him coming on to me turned into a poolside party for the two of them, and on and on it went.

Heavy petting is such a broad term, and for some weird reason waywards just can't stop minimalizing everything. Its how they justify things when they are inside the A. This doesn't matter is was just a little touching, that hand job doesn't really count I was just rubbing his leg. It's all bullshit man. As far as my WW went part of it was she thought she was protecting me by minimalizing everything. She now knows that that is not true, she was only adding to lies. You have to consider that she might think she's protecting you from more hurt, when really she's not. Immediately after dday mine said she understood and "this" is everything, two conversations later "this" is everything, on and on it went. I keep pushing and pushing, for me making out and heavy petting is not descriptive enough, I wouldn't let her stand on that explaination. However we all have our levels of tolerance to details, so if it works for you, good that's all that really matters. Only you know what is best for you.
But look out for yourself. I know your trying to keep your sanity, but being prepared for the worst will be what keeps you rational in the end.

The whole polygraph thing and lying by omission subject matter between FP and Escape; makes me think of something I've really been rattling around in my head lately.
NoEscape is right, you have to know exact specific questions that need to be asked for polygraphs to work. Since my WW is obviously an expert at lying by omission I wonder about efficiency. I would find it interesting to get her hooked up to one though.

But at some point does it really matter? I'm trying to get comfortable with the idea that no matter how many questions I ask I will never have the WHOLE truth. So how much truth can I settle for and still move forward?

Sorry if there's overlap here guys, taken me all morning to finish this up. Too many distractions.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 2:07 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal

Yeah it comes in little bits sometimes. The realizations.

I had to tell myself it was who she was. She was THAT person. She realizes she doesn't want to be that person anymore. She is working very hard to be a better person. My W had to show me her remorse (she failed a lot too). Although she changed because she wanted to be a better person, it was not to save the M.

Is she working to be a person that is safe for you ? Look at that when you get these thoughts. Ask her to share her process. Talking to her about how you feel right now might help too.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kite dude, this would be a fucking DEAL BREAKER!!!! No more lies, no more fucking secrets. No truths, no fucking marriage.

Right? "Hold up there, buddy... I'm only answering questions about THIS round of cheating"

I agree... She's basically pleading the 5th on the first 9 years....I couldn't leave that issue alone, if it were me.

that is one super sized sandwich she's asking you to take a bite of.how in the hell do you deal with that?

How do I deal with it? I deal with it by knowing who she is - a broken person, a pathological liar, someone who doesn't have my best intentions at heart. We are still married for one reason alone - our financial situation. If I came into enough money she would be in my rear view mirror the next day.

We've been married 28 years and she claims the first 9 years of that were uncharacteristic of her. B.S.!

One example from the "Who are you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?' file - I have to go to a meeting scheduled from 6 pm until 9 pm. The meeting lets out real early and I get home at 7:30 pm. She's not there. I hear the garage door open at 8:45 pm and meet her out there. The expression of fear from seeing me home early start up the warning signals in my gut.
She brushes past me without a word and heads straight for the shower. After a few words about Lady Macbeth from me, she starts into offensive mode complete with denials, accusations, and lots of yelling. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

I'm dealing with a WW who has earned a black belt in covering her ass. She should write a book on this subject and then go on tour and make lots of money.

My pastor advised me to "love her back to life." I asked him how one goes about loving a wall. There is no logical answer to that question. As long as her primary aim in life is to cover her ass, there will be no healing and no R.

A few years ago a little voice in my head told me, "Go get your own life." That's what I've been doing.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal

I understand but have no answers. I think that coming to terms with the reality of 'who she was' has been a major struggle for me all along. My wife had a very similar 'routine'. She had it down to include Monday and Friday panties reserved for POSER.

For me it has been a struggle to define what really is 'too much' to overlook. What is a deal breaker for me? I feel stuck. I don't want to be married to 'that person' but can I stomach being being married to someone that used to be 'that person'?


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal
I know what your saying and since I'm on the topic of Titanic....
Before this whole shit storm I viewed cheating differently. Not morally, but just in terms of all the emotional and real life consequences that come from it. Its like the iceberg, you see the tip, then it happens to you and you realize that what under the surface dwarfs the outside view. If only it boiled down to simple hurt and trust. In reality however the aspects of our lives that an affair effects are two numerous to count. Then taken those aspects and drilldown to the things that are lost when one aspect like trust is lost. Tree-Killer! The fallout is staggering. Completely re-writing our views of who our wives really are, is a long hard arduous path.

I think that's why I find it so insulting when I'm told "I didn't really think about that or the consequences." She really was only living in that selfish moment ruled by her desire. They rewrote their character, left us out of the process, and now want another rewrite.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to be married to 'that person' but can I stomach being married to someone that used to be 'that person'?

And how confident am I that 'that person' won't be coming back?


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 424 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks numb, TC.

Is she working to be a person that is safe for you ? Look at that when you get these thoughts. Ask her to share her process.

She sure seems to be doing that, numb. As for sharing her process, I'm not sure she really has a process other than to say "I don't want to be that person anymore." But I'm wary - she was very much that person less than 6 months ago, so not sure how someone just flips a switch one day and says "I now value my marriage and my husband." I'd love to hear what she's doing internally to make that happen, but digging deep with her is very difficult. Maybe the IC has a plan.

I think it is largely because my wish list is never going to be fulfilled.

That's the thing, TC - it's not. At least not if your wish list includes a wife who valued the marriage as much as you did. Prior to D Day I would have told you that my wife would rather gouge an eye out than betray our marriage even once. I really believed that and trusted her completely. Now I realize that my trust was misplaced and that she could betray our marriage as casually as drawing a breath. I never would have knowingly married someone that weak and flawed. No matter what happens going forward or what she does, that part of my wish list - an exclusive, safe marriage to a woman who shared my morals and values - will never be realized. Ouch.

ETA: "She had it down to include Monday and Friday panties reserved for POSER."

TC, it's so outrageous that it almost seems like the script of a bad movie. No doubt my wife and her scumbag had special bras, or panties, or teddies, or whatever. They had a real "relationship," after all. How the hell does someone engage in that behavior over an extended period of time without alarm bells going off in their head will always be a mystery to me.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 3:03 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's why I find it so insulting when I'm told "I didn't really think about that or the consequences." She really was only living in that selfish moment ruled by her desire. They rewrote their character, left us out of the process, and now want another rewrite.

I agree Defiled. My wife sold her husband and kids down the river for some illicit fun on the side. Her family of origin showed her first hand the pain caused by a cheating spouse, so she knew what she was getting into (in a sense - we know that no one who hasn't experienced it can truly know the extent of the pain).

She chose this misery for me.

That's a bitter pill to swallow.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kite,
We are still married for one reason alone - our financial situation. If I came into enough money she would be in my rear view mirror the next day.

So, exactly how much are you willing to pay for you?

My pastor advised me to "love her back to life." I asked him how one goes about loving a wall. There is no logical answer to that question. As long as her primary aim in life is to cover her ass, there will be no healing and no R.

A few years ago a little voice in my head told me, "Go get your own life." That's what I've been doing.

Really?

She brushes past me without a word and heads straight for the shower. After a few words about Lady Macbeth from me, she starts into offensive mode complete with denials, accusations, and lots of yelling.

This is the life you are leading for financial reasons. I reiterate, how much are you worth.

Maybe harsh brother, but BTDT. I also feared custody issues cause an unremorseful, almost diagnose borderline personality narcissist will eat you alive and leave you a shell of a man. Left the M, had a year long in-house bitter D and was devastated. Also had a 50k bill to pay on a 24k/yr income with a whole 336/mo. CS that she had to pay me.

Best thing I ever did. Total 180 brother. N/C as much as possible. Ducks in a row, and when the cost gets too high, run.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal

This not a change like the flip of the switch. The changes are sometimes so subtle that the person experiencing them doesn't even notice.

Does she act different than she did 6 months ago ? Maybe she is less selfish, IDK. You have to look at progress since. If you look everyday you can miss somethings.

My W IC invited me to a couple of sessions.

You can ask her to share that process. She might not be able to immediately come up with something. Call it a standing request. She probably is going to fail at times when sharing, but if she sees it is important to you she will keep trying. The effort alone sometimes is enough. You have to ask and let her know it is important to you.

It is a marathon not a race. Ask her to come up with a list of things she feels she personally lost (non-tangible things). Just knowing that she struggles with who she is trying not to be anymore can be helpful.

Remember to thank her when she does these things. If she is remorseful, I would suspect she thinks about it a lot. Gradually she will be happy to share, maybe even so often that you get tired of hearing about it.

ETA: My typing sucks today

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 3:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm dealing with a WW who has earned a black belt in covering her ass. She should write a book on this subject and then go on tour and make lots of money.

Brother, this:

I have to go to a meeting scheduled from 6 pm until 9 pm. The meeting lets out real early and I get home at 7:30 pm. She's not there. I hear the garage door open at 8:45 pm and meet her out there. The expression of fear from seeing me home early start up the warning signals in my gut.
She brushes past me without a word and heads straight for the shower. After a few words about Lady Macbeth from me, she starts into offensive mode complete with denials, accusations, and lots of yelling.

Is not black belt.

She wasn't covering anything, she was just being a bitch because you caught her again.


A few years ago a little voice in my head told me, "Go get your own life." That's what I've been doing.

Listen to that voice. Give it volume. Because if other voices ever start shouting you down it will loudly tell them all to shut the fuck up. One loud voice of your own does wonders to quiet the mind.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7096 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good food for thought, numb.

Yes, she has made great progress, and started doing so shortly after D Day. The TT into May was hard, but I wouldn't want to have to admit that shit to my spouse, either, so she gets a partial pass on that. I'll give her credit, when she came clean she really came clean.

I've seen less selfishness in the sense that she focuses on me and our marriage now. For many years the marriage and I only got her scraps, like she couldn't be a full-time mother and a full-time wife at that the same time. That's one of the reasons that the effort she put into her AP is so shocking. I mean, if you found a man who brings that out of you, what the hell are you doing with me? Give your relationship with the sonofabith a chance if he makes you so happy. But apparently I'm the prize after all. Why I'm not sure.

None of this makes any sense to me.

As for remorse and thinking about it a lot, I've seen plenty of evidence of both. So what's my problem (beyond the obvious)?

I don't trust her. I now know the ugly and lying side exists, and I can't pretend that person doesn't exist or never existed. She's capable of heartless acts of destruction. I've realized just in the past 5 days that it's going to take years of hard work to see my wife as an honest and trustworthy person, and it pisses me off. I didn't sign up for years of insecurity and pain. I didn't sign up for a relationship with a person who has already shown that our marriage vows mean jack shit to her. I didn't sign up for marriage to a person who made a willful decision to engage in acts that have almost completely destroyed my respect for her.

She got the orgasms, and I got the pain. Sounds like a bad country song.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She got the orgasms, and I got the pain. Sounds like a bad country song.

Man, imagine what Weird Al could do with that.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

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