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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flup; good to hear ya. why've you been denying us your awesomeness :)

read your story... yup-if she ain't digging, you've got nothing to invest in that M.

@Sal

until I get really bored and another man comes along and validates me with insincere words

isn't that just the truth.

love your idea by the way on "conversations", here's a gem from mine;

"It was never about sex because I was getting enough at home" (lies).... uhh yeah, you were getting most of everything back home but you decided to shut off and look elsewhere. and really, what was it? attention, validation, affirmation, sex or just plain conversation because I'm sure you rejected most of them every time I attempted to give some... that is IF you were around in the first place.

another one;
"most people on those chat channels where cheating happened were married, but i wasn't looking for an affair"....uhh... ding ding ding... didnt you like get the message from the first part of your statement?


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In essence, the only thing interesting about me is what I can talk into cramming itself into my vagina.

And they say men are sexist/objectivist pigs. We've got nothing on women, I tell you. They're about 100x better at perceiving themselves as the sum total of their naughty bits than we'll ever be.

WAL, I'd quote this in the quotes thread but it'll end up offending everyone else and probably mark the end of the BM thread.

But truer words have not been spoken about WWs.

[This message edited by noescape at 12:46 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe that's just how we perceive it, since we're supposedly so "genitally driven"... I mean, maybe they really can compartmentalize the sex away from what the A is really all about to them.


Well, hell... Anything I can really come up with is a generalization, and won't stick to all cases.

Have a good day, guys... I'm off to Houston, then Cleveland.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I was following Reza Aslan's "AMA" on reddit today. He's a religious scholar (this isn't a post about religion, at all) and also happens to adhere to a particular religion. Someone asked him if he believed in "one true faith." His answer was a quote from Siddartha Gautama, which was: "If you want to draw water you do not dig six one foot wells. You dig one six foot well."

I know this sounds like some pseudo-spiritual bullshit, but I really loved the metaphor as it applies to being a BH. Yeah, man, the well. It's what sustained us...things could be shitty and hard, but we had the "well." It was deep and pure and reliable as fuck.

Wow. This is timely. I'm about halfway through Aslan's latest book (Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus) after seeing him on Bill Maher over the weekend.

It's an interesting read if you're into the socio-politics of 1st century Palestine.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And this one from my wife, a reason she gave shortly after D Day as to why she decided to take the leap:

"He kept asking."


My WW gave almost the exact same reply. She told me ...

"It wasn't about the sex. I didn't really want too. He had to talk me into it."

and one of my favorites ...

"The sex wasn't even all that good at first"

It just brings a warm fuzzy feeling to your heart, doesn't it?

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 10:44 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's an interesting read if you're into the socio-politics of 1st century Palestine.

And who isn't?



Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting article this morning in General, under a new thread:

Evolutionary monogamy

The gist of it seems to be that men are the evolutionary beneficiaries of, and therefore the guardians of monogamy. It doesn't speak to women's interest in the subject at all.

But, over here in BMenz, we knew that all along. Or, at least since DDay.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 9:00 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"To love, honor, cherish, forsaking all others, until I get really bored and another man comes along and validates me with insincere words."

It should have been a red flag for me before the wedding day when WW decided that she would write our vows, consisting of some New Age crap which left out all of the "To love, honor, cherish, forsaking all others" words.

"If you want to draw water you do not dig six one foot wells. You dig one six foot well."

"Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well." Proverbs 5:15

Mrs. Kite detests this site. After looking over my shoulder Saturday night while I was reading the Menz thread, she went into the kitchen and began to furiously cut up veggies for dinner with a sharp knife while yelling at me. I stupidly followed and gave as good as I got. Would she stab me during a temper tantrum? I honestly don't know for sure what she's capable of these days.

The gist of it is that she doesn't ever want to talk about her past, ever, while according to her, SI stirs it back up. Tried to explain that it helps me to heal but that fell on deaf ears.

I've become convinced that she will take her secrets with her to her grave. So my only recourse, other than D, is to figure out how to deal with that gnawing feeling in my gut whenever she's around.



Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The gist of it is that she doesn't ever want to talk about her past, ever, while according to her, SI stirs it back up. Tried to explain that it helps me to heal but that fell on deaf ears.

As someone pointed out a few pages ago, the wayward spouse is someone whose coping mechanism was comprised of having sex outside of the M.

Perhaps they are not the best people to decide what it takes to heal from their ... "mistakes."


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr K

Ditto, ditto, ditto.

I'm way out on the timeline, decided a long time ago that FWW wasn't ever going to be very remorseful, or transparent. I found a way to be OK with that.

I trust her to be and do who and what she is. I'm not going to spend my life as her mother, or as a private eye. I'm reasonably sure she's faithful these days, but I've given up on being really sure about anything.

Some might ask, "How can you be with someone like that?" Well, of my 5 closest friends, 5 had their wives cheat on them. I hate to generalize, but maybe they're all like that, and I'm in love with the devil I know.

Besides, I'm not gay and can't imagine a therapy that would change my orientation.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, of my 5 closest friends, 5 had their wives cheat on them. I hate to generalize, but maybe they're all like that, and I'm in love with the devil I know.

Hell, I managed to that all by my lonesome. Only 2 M's though. The devil I know is trying hard. I'm still questioning whether or not I have a rational definition of love though.
Six for six for real just isn't going to happen. If this doesn't work, I'm hoping the Trappist's are taking applications.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454, I'm surprised you don't already run the place!

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol, Lol, Lol!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The gist of it is that she doesn't ever want to talk about her past, ever, while according to her, SI stirs it back up. Tried to explain that it helps me to heal but that fell on deaf ears.

I've become convinced that she will take her secrets with her to her grave. So my only recourse, other than D, is to figure out how to deal with that gnawing feeling in my gut whenever she's around.

no different here, at least mine has discovered her SAb as a young kid has something to do w/it.

I wouldn't want to talk about my childhood if that had happened to me...

Every one of my friends IRL have had their wives cheat, about half the guys have cheated also.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how to deal with that gnawing feeling in my gut

When I identified that gnawing as the teeth of my wishes consuming the last shreds of my self-respect I kicked it out so I could learn to live as a man again.

So...identify it.
For what it is.
Within you.
Think of it as a game:
"Name That Beast"

Like loving the devil you know...
is that its real name?
Or is it more
depending on...
settling for...
putting up with in the name of security for...
?

I understand those are harsh questions, just as I'm a typin monkey that doesn't matter, just...think about it.
I just wish for you a life you determined, with rightful and righteous identity...not a shuttered, half-seen thing.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I identified that gnawing as the teeth of my wishes consuming the last shreds of my self-respect

jeebus...beyond insightful.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife actually had the nerve to say this to me shortly after D Day:

"I felt sorry for him (OM)."

Say what?

Where was the sympathy for me when my marriage was being defiled and destroyed behind my back?

My husband? Oh yeah, him. Forgot all about that guy. The one who brought home the bacon while another man humped my brains out for almost a year. Hey, he's not such a bad guy after all!

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:03 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unrelated to anything, except maybe what life can look like a few years down the road:

My wife and I are going tomorrow to fill out guardianship papers for a grand niece and nephew (5 and 2).

We're about to be parents again, and I can't even relate how excited I am for these additions to our family.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations WAL!!! That's great!


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's awesome WAL!
You two remain an inspiration to me.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
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