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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am playing catch up.....so hear are my tidbits.

The Shakes....I got the shakes upon finding out the hard shit during DDay week....then it went away and I started getting these tremors...like vibrations in my hip and pelvic area...like my phone going off on vibration. I would even check my phone....I wasnt wearing one most of the time. At night they were the worse. I even went to make sure it wasn't early onset of MS....no...it was my life imploding and the stress of it all...

As for lapses of time during DDay week/month...lots of it...but the scariest one was 2 days after dday....I was 1.5 weeks out from my first marathon ever...I had my last 10 miler to do....apparently I went out and did it....although I have no recollection of it...I have the GArmin data....I even left my G2 bottle on the curb down the street...but I do not remember any of it...that is the truth...the depth of the pain and what it does to us can;t be put into words


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC:

I had no problem sharing my point of view and it may have been 'too' honest at times from her perspective. Ultimately, I don't think she knows how to be completely open with herself or anyone else.

Yeah, same situation here. It makes it very difficult to communicate with someone whose first instinct is to shut down. I've seen progress, but those coping mechanisms don't change inside of 6 months.

We have had an interesting couple weeks. In almost every aspect she is now what I would consider to be truly remorseful. I can feel it and it feels genuine. She has started to share her feelings in MC. Her shame, guilt, regret, fear among others. She told me how miserable it makes her feel seeing how much pain she has caused me and how it has changed me. She says should would do anything to go back and do things differently. She wants us to get a place of peace and is willing to work through all of my concerns.

That's great TC. You deserve no less from her.

It makes me feel conflicted.

I understand that feeling. For me it was the realization that I married someone who was emotionally stunted and damaged beyond my comprehension. From what I've read my wife has been pretty close to a model recovering wayward, but the magnitude of her betrayal stuns me at times. 2-3 sexual encounters a week for over 10 months is mind-blowing to me. She was basically the OM's concubine, and when she wasn't, she played the good wife and mother. I look at her now and think "who are you?" Why she took that bizarre and destructive path will probably always remain a mystery.

Her best answer is "It gave me an escape from the stress of life." Yeah, I guess orgasms tend to do that but sheez, take up skydiving or zumba next time. The biggest challenge for the BH is to process all of this while maintaining his sanity.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:04 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC-

So sorry man. I have been there. I think stating this in front of the MC is a healthy approach. We have not done MC yet, but it is probably in the cards. I am just not ready yet. Too happy trying to be happy, KWIM ?

Look at some point you have to purge the demons. If she is still working on it after what you have to say, that gets her some respect points back ?

I think it if perfectly allowable to state it just like you did to us. She has to bear witness to the pain she caused.

Also FWIW- There is a long way from a minor in Psych to a trained, licensed therapist. I mean I took some PE classes in college (enough for a minor), but that doesn't make me qualified to teach PE classes.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It gave me an escape from the stress of life."

I really hate that saying...I'll stop with that before I blow a gasket on a rant.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the magnitude of her betrayal stuns me at times. 2-3 sexual encounters a week for over 10 months is mind-blowing to me. She was basically the OM's concubine, and when she wasn't, she played the good wife and mother. I look at her now and think "who are you?"

I agree totally although I would say that the degree of my WW's betrayal stuns me CONSTANTLY. I'm working on it, at least trying to work on it, but although she is now doing things 'correctly' the image of that Monster in my head is going to take quite some time to replace.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 10:52 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hate that saying.

yup, I told FWW next time she wants an escape, to smoke a freakin bowl or something! Shit.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"
It gave me an escape from the stress of life."

Yep, got that one too. Kind of defeats the purpose of marriage IMO. Maybe I look at my M in the wrong light, or lean to heavily on my FWW. I thought that even through the ups and downs that she/the M were my "escapes". Used to like to come home and do things with her. This membership in "NO MA'AM" sometimes feels like it's tearing me apart.

I didn't get married to be single.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2073 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a long way from a minor in Psych to a trained, licensed therapist. I mean I took some PE classes in college (enough for a minor), but that doesn't make me qualified to teach PE classes.

I agree and her argument on this one is pretty foolish IMO. Just because you have some knowledge on a topic doesn't make you an expert. AND being an expert at something doesn't mean that you still fail to follow your own advice. I'm sure that there are plenty of therapists who have drug addictions, PD, and who have cheated. I treat spine problems for a living, but my back has been bothering me for the last several months. I'm not immune to having the same problems that I treat.

Look at some point you have to purge the demons. If she is still working on it after what you have to say, that gets her some respect points back ?
I know. I agree. I'm working on it. I'm not consciously holding on to this crap. I'm kinda stuck on the aspect of respect. Her account was cleared out with her A. She is starting to to get 'some respect points' back but she has a long way to go to even bring herself up to a level that in any other situation I'd even consider dating her let alone marrying her. I guess I'm just trying to work through this feeling of being in a lose-lose situation. My feelings change a lot. The one silver lining is that she is willing to explore our feelings and has displayed more willingness to do so than I thought possible. I guess I'm still hedging my bets and don't feel comfortable enough with my hand to move all-in. I feel like right now I have only a mid-pair and I'm waiting on a full-house to come my way. KWIM

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 11:20 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that even through the ups and downs that she/the M were my "escapes".

you know, I used to say/think the same thing. I'd tell FWW when things weren't going so well that at least we had each other, we had our own perfect world inside our family...
...what I would give to have that back


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It gave me an escape from the stress of life."

I really hate that saying...I'll stop with that before I blow a gasket on a rant.

I hate it too, Tred. But it's so common that there must be something to it. An attempt to put some excitement, danger, romance and mystery in a life that has become rote and boring. The fact that there are healthier ways to inject those things in your life never occurs to them I guess.

And women are conditioned by pop culture to think that way. Look at what they are exposed to on a daily basis - soaps, Desperate Housewives, 50 Shades of Grey, romance novels. Movies that make affairs seem understandable, even noble - like Titanic, for one (the betrayed husband/fiance'/boyfriend is always a total shithead, right?) Images of Fabio types, cabana boys, S&M.

If you have a wife who is bored, fairly attractive, and from a messed-up FOO, watch your ass. And if she feels that her youth is starting to pass her by, really watch your ass. There's a whole lot of pain heading your way.

And when she's in affair mode, she just...doesn't...give...a...damn...about you, her husband. You might as well not exist.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An attempt to put some excitement, danger, romance and mystery in a life that has become rote and boring

I understand all that. In doing that, it was a complete and utter rejection of everything I brought into our lives. That's my opinion and how it makes me feel. I don't buy the pop culture bullshit - there are women out there that don't cheat, I just haven't married one yet. She wanted her ego stroked and I wasn't the man that could do it for her anymore - it's that simple. And why do they fucking call it an escape? Hell, if I ever "escape" I'm not going back to the hell I broke out of.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, if I ever "escape" I'm not going back to the hell I broke out of.

Couldn't agree more. Divorce was a lot easier than this R shit.

Wonder why they don't seem to get that.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2073 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, my life at times becomes rote and boring. We all need a little danger and excitement at times. I guess finding a strange woman to use as a blow-up doll just isn't my way of coping. Wish my wife had the same values.

ETA: Of course, my idea of "danger" is trying to hit a golf ball a long way without pulling a back muscle. Lately, it's been having sex with my wife while avoiding STDs, so there's that.
ETA: Tred, I didn't say that pop culture excuses our wives affairs, it doesn't. But it damn sure doesn't help any. I don't see too many June Cleavers being portrayed these days.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:05 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the magnitude of her betrayal stuns me at times. 2-3 sexual encounters a week for over 10 months is mind-blowing to me. She was basically the OM's concubine, and when she wasn't, she played the good wife and mother. I look at her now and think "who are you?"

When we counted it up, my wife agreed that she probably had sex with OM more than a hundred times over the two years. Once a month or so at first, but by the last six months, there was much greater frequency.

She told me, by way of making me feel better, "I never jumped from one bed straight to the other, and you never got his sloppy seconds. He got yours."

Which, to me, was like, "Oh, so what you're saying is that after we'd had such great sex, you needed more, eh? I wasn't *satisfying* to you? Is that it?"

(I never actually said that because I knew she was trying to help...but I was very much like, "If I was a sensitive dude with self-esteem issues, you would have just fucked the donkey with that attempt to ease my pain.")

I never did get how taking a shower or shoving a douchenozzle up her twat was supposed to make me feel that it was somehow "cleaner". I was still putting my mouth where some other dude's dick had been in the last few hours.

(Thanks for volunteering me for that, btw. I always wanted to know what some other guy's dick tastes like. Well, not really. That was what the child molester I went to church with as a kid wanted me to wonder, too.)

Srsly not a rant. You get to be 7 years out, some of this shit you went through with your sanity intact will seem sort of funny to you, too.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An attempt to put some excitement, danger, romance and mystery in a life that has become rote and boring

One of the things I've figured out over the years is that more than any other refrain, the WS tends to get down to "I didn't like me, I didn't like my life, I wanted to change, but didn't seem to have the time/energy/direction for it."

In other words: boredom.

Falling on dicks (and all the mushy hormonal emotional accoutrements) is essentially the lazy person's way to get a more interesting life without have to actually put in the work to do or be interesting.

In essence, the only thing interesting about me is what I can talk into cramming itself into my vagina.

And they say men are sexist/objectivist pigs. We've got nothing on women, I tell you. They're about 100x better at perceiving themselves as the sum total of their naughty bits than we'll ever be.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And they say men are sexist/objectivist pigs. We've got nothing on women, I tell you.

WWS. At some point between Eve's misadventures and today, women hired a much better PR firm than we did.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWS. At some point between Eve's misadventures and today, women hired a much better PR firm than we did.

WWS x2: WAL has said before that in our society, women are generally viewed as the keeper of relationship lore.....combine that with the fact that the way we view the ideal marriage in our culture as a sort of a feminized ideal (again, WWS in a different post) of feeling sharing, BFFs, joined-at-the-hip type-stuff and I don't think anyone is shocked that this is the end result. So when relationships of any sort don't measure up to the 'standard', then they are deemed to be incomplete and/or flawed. The fact that the guy is perfectly happy with the relationship as it existed doesn't really seem to matter to...well...anyone...because really, what does HE know about relationships...?
I think that there's a tendency by those on the outside looking in to look at a relationshipand see one happy partner and one not-so-happy partner and assume that the latter's unhappiness is predicated on something the former is, or is NOT doing.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 1:07 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there are women out there that don't cheat, I just haven't married one yet.

WTS & DYT all in one.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that even through the ups and downs that she/the M were my "escapes". Used to like to come home and do things with her.

Yeah, I hear that.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that even through the ups and downs that she/the M were my "escapes". Used to like to come home and do things with her.

Yeah, my wife and kids were my escape from the grind. But apparently her husband and kids were what my wife sought to escape. So how do you reconcile that with her almost desperate desire to keep me post D Day? I guess she only wanted temporary, not permanent, "escapes."

Trying to make sense of the senseless can be hazardous to your mental health.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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