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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brilliant!!

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all who responded, where else can you get instant support and advice like this? You guys are the best.

ETA: I'm with jjct, don't like beers that are too hoppy, can't drink Guiness in the heat.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:49 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long the hell have you had the color upgrade?

It's only been a couple of days, jjct.

My "beach beer", as landlocked as I am, has been Hofbräu München. I think you'd like it. Not too hoppy, crisp, and malty all at the same time.


Posts: 4570 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Good!
I was afraid I was seeing things - (again),
or...
I wasn't seeing things, (again, again!)
or...
I'm afraid I need a beer.

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I thought I could get some of the yard work done today before the storms blew in. Dammit, I got all of the yard work done!

I hate yard work. But it looks good.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW's tend to fuck up. Shit that's how many of them get caught.

Could it be that some subconsciously want to get caught so they can get it over with?


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could it be that some subconsciously want to get caught so they can get it over with?

This is something my wife has actually mentioned to me on more than one occasion. She was able to keep her affair secret for 15 years, but in the last few months she got really careless about hiding things, and it was fairly easy for me to uncover the truth. I think part of her wanted to be caught so she could put an end to her double life, and she has actually thanked me for catching her. So yeah, I think you're on to something there, MK.


Posts: 4570 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something my wife has actually mentioned to me on more than one occasion. She was able to keep her affair secret for 15 years, but in the last few months she got really careless about hiding things, and it was fairly easy for me to uncover the truth. I think part of her wanted to be caught so she could put an end to her double life, and she has actually thanked me for catching her. So yeah, I think you're on to something there, MK.

I think he is, too. My wife left her email open at least three times during her affair period. If I was snooping, I would have found pics of herself (non-porno) that she sent to some guy who works for Union-Pacific. I didn't snoop, just signed out for her. It never occurred to me that I had to snoop. She also left pics of the OM on her cell, and they were discovered by our daughters who were somehow convinced to keep it a secret.

All of this made our MC speculate that my wife was subconsciously trying to get caught, and she agreed. She told me that she got caught up in something that she couldn't get out of. When she did try to break it off, he threatened to tell me about it (although a part of me thinks this is B.S., which stands for both bullshit and blameshifting).

Crazymaking.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of this made our MC speculate that my wife was subconsciously trying to get caught, and she agreed. She told me that she got caught up in something that she couldn't get out of.

In my case, similar sort of stuff, too. When my wife would get drunk and fall asleep, I was actively trying to figure out her cell phone password, which resulted in me completely locking it out a few times where she had to reset it via email. So she knew I was trying to get in there, and never said anything about it to me. Also, I managed to get the last few days of the A's text messages where I could see she was trying to get POSER to break it off so she didn't have to. Kind of hard to explain, but my wife is ridiculously conflict-avoidant, but she has this little habit of getting other people to do what she wants to do by asking them if it's what they want to do. I think it's called....manipulation? For example, at a boring social function, her to me:

"If you're bored, we can go."
"I never said I was bored."
"Well, you look like you don't want to be here."
"I'm fine."
"Well, I'm just saying, if you want to go, we can go"

She had all these little exchanges with POSER wherein she'd basically pick fights over little things he said (or didn't say) and be like, "Well, if you don't think we should do this, just tell me."

Now, I'm not an idiot, I know it's a 50/50 split...part of her was seeking to force him to do the uncomfortable work of ending it, but the other part was if he tried to soothe her, she got the validation that she so badly craved. It's pretty fucked up, but she won either way.

(although a part of me thinks this is B.S., which stands for both bullshit and blameshifting)

This, too. Early on after DDAY, I got fucking trashed (I know, I know...) and basically laid out every little thing about how a POSER goes about the steps of getting with a married woman, from the little manipulations and whatnot...I mean, I went on for like 30 minutes just totally going off. At the end, my wife was like, "Wow, I feel like [POSER] was a predator."

Whoa, sister. Back the fucking truck up, here. You were NOT a victim, you were more actively pursuing him than he, you.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
WhiskeyRiver
♂ New Member
Member # 39811
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This, too. Early on after DDAY, I got fucking trashed (I know, I know...) and basically laid out every little thing about how a POSER goes about the steps of getting with a married woman, from the little manipulations and whatnot...I mean, I went on for like 30 minutes just totally going off. At the end, my wife was like, "Wow, I feel like [POSER] was a predator."

Unfortunately, this is where I'm at right now, maybe five weeks out. We're separated due to her own booze problem and subsequent recovery attempt...she's living with various family members in a different state. I've been self-medicating hard. I fully realize it's fucking stupid and counter-productive, but it feels kinda good at the time. But, yeah, I know...

WW came back for a couple of days to get some personal stuff taken care of here, and I had promised her that we wouldn't discuss the A while she was going through immediate addiction recovery. What a pussy. Of course, that all went to shit on her last night here, as my simmering rage finally came to the surface in the form of a vitriolic sermon on the subject of her abject lack of respect for my standing as a human being (for the record, I was completely sober at this moment...I DO have to respect her other addiction issues).

WW: "Im 'reticent' [I don't think she knows what this word actually means] because I don't see how we can make things work."

In my head: "Yeah, no shit, I'm fucking 'reticent' too, because I should just file for divorce after discovering that this has been a nearly year long A."

What I said, like a pussy: "It would be hard work, and there are no guarantees, but I want to try. I love you too much to just give it all up. But you need to end things with [POSER] if we're going to get beyond next week. [Expressions of anguish, pain, betrayal, blah, blah, blah...]."

WW: "I don't thing that I love him [ ], but there's an attachment. I confided everything in him, and I think that he loves me. But I don't want to spend my life with him."

So what's the fucking holdup?!? NC with this motherfucker immediately, amirite?

Later: WW: "Just so you know, because I'm being 'honest' with you, I'm probably going to see him again this week while I'm away."

In my head: "So you can fuck him again, and tell him again how much you love him and are so sorry that you can't be with him forever, because you feel too shitty about destroying your H's fragile psyche."

What I said: "OK." Then walked away.

Grade A huge pussy here, folks. I'm listening to tons of Hank Sr and George Jones, 'cause country music is all about this shit. Still "self medicating" way too much, but hey, it does feel pretty good at the time.

The 180 is elusive, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm having trouble detaching. I think I have to file, and just let it be there as a real option.

I'm not being strong, and I'm disregarding what I know is good advice...because I'm a heartsick pussy. I'm not begging or anything like that, and I refuse to cry in front of her again, but my path is not true right now.

Fuck.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New England
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No shame in being a heartsick pussy, dude. You love your wife. No shame in that. Given the way that most WWs seem to check out and assume the marriage is finished during the lead-up to the A, I'd bet that there is a healthy amount of dudes down here who were not stone walls of emotion on or shortly after DDAY with regards to the 'bargaining' with their wives.

Shit, on DDAY, my wife told me she didn't think we should stay together because I "woudn't be able to handle it." You get that? *I* wouldn't be able to handle it. Which really meant that she didn't think that she'd be able to handle my anger, hate and contempt. So I begged her to give it (the marriage) a chance. Cried about it. It's one of the things that haunts me the most to the present about DDAY, is that my wife cheated on ME, and I was the one pleading for the marriage.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
WhiskeyRiver
♂ New Member
Member # 39811
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, yeah, I'm the only one trying to hold this together right now. When she first admitted the initial "indiscretion," which obviously turned out to be a full-fledged PA, she was like "I really want our divorce to be an amicable one, because I still love you so much." Pure manipulation tactic.

I totally took the bait and continue to capitulate to this moment.

This thread is a life saver...thank you.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New England
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guy's haven't posted in awhile . Anyway's I've taken your advise to take care of myself and I'm starting to like the new me . My WW is doing all the work to help R but I'm finding it really difficult to let go of all ugly ness ! All the past hurt and pain manage to linger . Sometimes it feels easier just to let her go and start a new. I'm caught in this whirlwind of wanting the M to work but unable to forgive what she has done .Thanks for all the advise it does help focusing on me .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're hurting man. You have my permission to stop calling yourself a pussy.

So now what?
I'd recommend owning the 180 like Einstein's relative.
At the very least.
Because it is for you & getting strong in yourself.

She feeds herself congratulatory ego kibbles for being honest about her desire to be immoral.

Yeah. 180 like now.
Have you seen a lawyer for a consult?
That would be a good thing to get done too.

Give yourself permission to stop trying to fix her. You can't when you're the only one "holding it together".

You say your path is not true.
I am here to tell you it is.
Because it is into you.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
WhiskeyRiver
♂ New Member
Member # 39811
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm caught in this whirlwind of wanting the M to work but unable to forgive what she has done

I'm terrified of this situation, dude. I'm still too close to d-day and her indecision to even be able to offer anything to you, other than the fact that this is a persistent living nightmare of mine. Sorry, no answers for you or myself. I'm a newb to this shit-show.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New England
WhiskeyRiver
♂ New Member
Member # 39811
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're hurting man. You have my permission to stop calling yourself a pussy.

So now what?
I'd recommend owning the 180 like Einstein's relative.
At the very least.
Because it is for you & getting strong in yourself.

She feeds herself congratulatory ego kibbles for being honest about her desire to be immoral.

Yeah. 180 like now.
Have you seen a lawyer for a consult?
That would be a good thing to get done too.

Give yourself permission to stop trying to fix her. You can't when you're the only one "holding it together".

You say your path is not true.
I am here to tell you it is.
Because it is into you.

Thank you, jj. I haven't talked to an attorney yet, but I have a #, and I'm seeing an IC this week. I'll get on the lawyer consultation this week as well.

Thanks for the kind words, man. The thing about "ego kibbles" is totally right on. Being honest about being a scumbag doesn't make you any less of a scumbag.

And yeah, I need a good dose of 180.

Cheers my brothers.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New England
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanting the M to work

we've all been there. some still stuck there. honestly; let go of the OUTcome and focus on the INcome (shout out to my bro jj)

that means look at what'll make you happy and work towards it. nobody's forcing a D or R on you. play by your rules. fuck her rules-see where they got you. just maintain integrity and dont do anything you can look back on with regret.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good goin Whiskey! get yerself a good strong dose of the 180.
Own it. Einstein.
Notice Itsgoingtobeok's comment about liking his new self - I promise you, that is what the 180 is about - you. Finding you. Being you.

It will not work as a manipulative tool. To get her to do, be, or say something.
If that's in your mind - you're doing it wrong.

On the whirlwind of forgiveness. I've posted about that so often, I think folks are tired

...but do take a gander at this vid that Trustedher posted.

http://www.prageruniversity.com/Life-Studies/Forgiveness.html

I am about "Release". Letting go.
What that means is being true to yourself, focused on income, the shape and matter of your heart,
no matter the outcome.
Let outcome go.
Focus on income.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol ne!
It had to happen sometime!

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If Tred were here, he'd ask us tell a dick joke for Whiskey, so...

Why is "The Bride" smiling when she walks down the aisle?


Because she knows she'll never have to give another beej.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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