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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 12
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
wifehad5
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Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
SuperDuperWonderboy
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Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


and for WAL

[This message edited by wonderboy at 7:34 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like one of those Spot the Difference pics.

Way to kick the thread off with a bang!


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
SuperDuperWonderboy
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Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fixed it!

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL - point taken on not dragging other threads in here. I don't think anyone went overboard, but it's best to head it off at the pass. I don't think anyone was taking advantage of our protected status, but nevertheless it's best to stick to our own gloom, despair, and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair, and agony on me.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, Tred. I just wanted to put it out there, especially since we've got some new guys.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great start wb. I gotta get the last word in one of these threads.

Tred, if you were forced to confront, it's grade A wayward behaviour to break NC and seems like little in the way of lessons learnt in the remorse department. Dunno what I'd do with that shit. I've stopped checking, if anything new comes my way, it won't be a shocker but damned if I'm going to police her for the rest of my life. As WAL said, it's not so much a surprise the second time around and maybe I can get some angries out justifiably (and/or kinky fucking circus sex) like I hadn't when I was blindsided the first time :) (always look for the silver lining)

Did anyone get the beer and nuts I left on the table and I hope you guys woke up jj before locking up...


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Later
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:angrynewguyrulebreaker:

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a good discussion about this with my doctor tonight. Trying to find out what traumatic event to use for EMDR therapy has been a challenge. I gave her this analogy: it's like being chained to a whipping post, having the shirt ripped off your back, and being whipped until you are numb. What is the traumatic part? The anticipation of being whipped (finding out that your wife might have been unfaithful), the first lash (yep, she was), the continuous lashes afterwards (TT, more details, finding out shit on your own), or not knowing when the last lash is going to strike (breaking NC 18 months after DDay)? After so many lashes, does any individual strike with the whip stand out more than any other, or do you just want it all to end? Each stroke of the whip creates a scar on your back that will remain after the bleeding has stopped.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:angrynewguyrulebreaker:

Srsly, not trying to call anybody out or anything, just trying to save misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We've lost three or four new guys on the Menz Thread over the years because of flags and butt-hurt feelings, so a reminder of the site polices as bro-to-bro "rules that keep us all safe" vs. "oooooh, ur in trouble" is probably a good idea from time to time.

Basicly, I'm selfish. I don't want to lose any of you guys.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basicly, I'm selfish. I don't want to lose any of you guys.

Ain't a whole lot of us here. Every perspective counts.

ETA Thanks to ALL! If you've gone to lurkerdom, please. come back.

[This message edited by 5454real at 8:25 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2086 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not knowing when the last lash is going to strike (breaking NC 18 months after DDay)

Just so you know you're not alone: my wife sent an e-mail to her OM at 18 months out. I found it because I'd hacked his e-mail. Turned out he'd given her a new secret e-mail address for her to contact him about a month after D-day.

She held onto it secretly for 17 months before finally using it. I found the e-mail address about a month after he'd given it to her and just sat on it after I hacked it (suspecting what it was).

All in all, that turned out to be a positive event for me. The problem with D-Day #1 is that we're all so blindsided, we don't even know how to respond. We're almost paralyzed by the experience.

D-Day #2...it's all old hat. If you're like me, you've got like months and months and months of anger, resentment, shit, curses, and vile spew that you've been swilling around inside your head but never actually said because you were keeping R on the table know that some things can't ever be unsaid. D-Day #2 is like the release valve on all of that - except in theory, you've also learned enough over the preceding months to know what all of your wife's weaknesses are while she's played the "reasons & why's" game to get you to stay. She's handed you all the ammo you need to make every shot count.

It's a righteous purge. Good for the soul. D-Day #2: Everyone should have one.

I can laugh about it now. The actual day was horrible. We were right back to the "I don't know" and "I don't remember" stage, even though she'd sent the e-mail like two days before. I remember thinking that it was one thing to have her betray me when she didn't know the result; it was quite another when she'd seen the hell she had put me through and was willing to go right back there again for a message that literally consisted of "I don't even know what I'm expecting here. Just wanted to see how you were doing."

(Yeah, I still remember the exact words. He responded with "I can still smell your hair on my pillow. Come see me." That bit of bullshit led to me hacking all of his dating site profiles and putting in shit about how he liked to have sex with underaged girls and was looking for mother/daughter threesomes, then changing his credentials and locking him out of his profiles. That was cathartic, too.)

Anyway, Tred, what you're feeling is normal. You and SandAway can come back from this if she does the work. The entire trajectory of my healing changed as a result of D-Day #2. I knew without a doubt that she was willing to throw me under the bus on a whim, and that my pain didn't matter one iota next to her desire for validation.

It also taught me that she would choose herself and what she wanted over me again and again, and if I wanted to survive, I needed to grind that thought down into my relationship matrix. Given the choice, she'd go right back to it. Her supposed words and actions about being desperate to heal herself and the marriage were so much shit for my benefit.

As we say around here: detach, detach, detach. When I was able to make it clear to myself (and eventually to her) that my life was my own and I'd be more than happy to walk, things started to change. She realized there was no more margin for error, and I completely stopped conducting myself like there was a team to be on.

It was dicey, but it worked out. I'd advise you not to rugsweep this as "delusional bitch is delusional". You've got to treat this incident with the gravity it deserves, not some random fuck-up from a disturbed mind.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
SuperDuperWonderboy
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Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After so many lashes, does any individual strike with the whip stand out more than any other, or do you just want it all to end?

Jesus Tred, harsh stuff.

And no, you are not alone. JNRPA broke NC too, but it was pretty early on. I don't know how I would respond if she did it now. Probably wouldn't be good.

When do they learn?


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Ascendant
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Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to find out what traumatic event to use for EMDR therapy has been a challenge.

Dude, same boat. My MC recommended it to me to help with the trauma. I could be (and probably am) revealing the little I know of EMDR, but unless you walked in on your wife and POSER *in the act*, I don't know that there's one specific traumatic event to focus upon.

I'd imagine for many of us who were forced to confront, the build up to discovery was somewhat similar: a faint suspicion turns into real suspicion turns into detective mode turns into discover, leads to confrontation, and then it all goes to shit from there. For me, DDAY and the immediate days after were definitely more about disgust/horror than anger. The anger came later, when I started to analyze every time I had ever given her the benefit of the doubt, or each occurence of her criticising me, or each time I had defended her shitty alcohol-fueled behavior while she was trashing me behind my back or all the blame-shifting that occurred at DDAY1...you know, as the whole "what could I have done to prevent this" feeling wears off and you just sit there stewing, like, "You. Fucking. Whore."

I don't know that I have specific things for the EMDR to focus on, but my MC thinks it'd help me, and I'm game for anything at this point.

Tred:
As far as I know, my wife broke NC only once since the last DDAY....POSER had sent us (and by us, I mean my wife. This idiot has been ripping me behind my back for the better part of a year saying he wants to fight, and yet seems to have forgotten my cell number. How odd.) a semi-veiled-threatening message on FB, which my WW promptly turned over to me. She blocked him on FaceBook, but that night, not 10 minutes after I fell asleep she unblocked him...woke me up like a minute later and told me she did it, and she didn't know why she did it and that she was sorry. Now, I have my own reasons to think that she didn't tell me out of the goodness of her heart, but more out of fear of being caught. If you unblock someone on FB you have to wait 24-48 hours (or something) to block them again, and I think she knew I'd be checking her FB in the AM. I guess at least she did tell me. I was still pretty numb then, I think now I would flip my shit. I feel for you, buddy. Both the fact that she broke NC AND the fact that she waited to be caught as opposed to confessing are fucking awful.

WAL - point taken on not dragging other threads in here. I don't think anyone went overboard, but it's best to head it off at the pass.

Good point. It is tempting sometimes when I see stuff on other threads...I'm all like "I want to talk about this with *da guys*, I wonder what JJCT, WAL, SG, Sal1995, etc., are going to have to say!!!"

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:37 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
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Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Yeah, I still remember the exact words. He responded with "I can still smell your hair on my pillow. Come see me." That bit of bullshit led to me hacking all of his dating site profiles and putting in shit about how he liked to have sex with underaged girls and was looking for mother/daughter threesomes, then changing his credentials and locking him out of his profiles. That was cathartic, too.)

This is the greatest thing I have ever heard. I wish *I* had 'cool ninja hacking skills'


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
stilllovingher
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Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there are far too many women in this thread.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol,Lol,Lol.

Really

Eta

?

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2086 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Onan
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Member # 33473
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a lurker thought it was time to give something back.


BS(me): 56
WW(her): 52
M: 19yrs
D-day: 8/25/2011
Good news: Wife really, really likes sex. Bad news: Just not with me.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2011
WakingFromADream
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Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to go back a few days but, this is something that I've really been pondering for a bit.

I was reading the comments to a blog post and I ran across on that felt that it was very appropriate. (From http://goo.gl/qmozn if you're interested)

"Joseph Campbell said we're each the hero of our own personal myth [...] we are also the authors of our own personal myths, and sometimes, we have guest spots in the myths of others, so we'd better write ourselves a good part."

For too long I have allowed myself to coast along and allow life to come to me rather than going out and getting it. Instead of having ideas about what I want and some places where I want to go, both physically and metaphorically, I let it happen. The phrase "lay back and think of England" comes to mind.

That's not saying that I didn't have things that I "should do". Such an interesting phrase. A friend of mine posted about that phrase regarding a conversation with her IC. About turning "I Shoulds" into "I Want Tos" and "I Could". About being able to flip the though processes from a chore that weights you down with feelings of anxiety and then guilt if whatever it is isn't accomplished to something you can look forward to accomplishing.

Going back to the quote, SI is a place where I can see so many faceless yet strong, supportive, and compassionate members who are taking a small role in my personal journey. Stronger08, UO, Aubrie, Jrazz, FP, Sal, and the Menz to name a few. And that's whether or not it's replying to one of my threads or just expressing themselves such that we need to use things like WWS.

I've started to wake up and find myself. I have a new job starting Monday that I went out and got. I've started to work out some of the things that I want to do. I've continued to make strides starting to make new friends and have new experiences. I'm starting to have a life that's something that I want rather than just something that happens. And every once in a while, I realize that I can be happy.


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


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