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User Topic: She had affair with a man of another race
hurtincolorado
♂ New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had an affair with a man of another race. It doesn't matter what race. I have never fealt animosity towards people of other races but this has me insecure and wondering what she liked about him. Now whenever she has to work with someone from that race I get suspicious. recently she had selected a physical trainer who was of that same race and I told her I wasn't comfotable with that and she thought i was racist which i am not. I am not in fact very comfortable since her A with a male trainer of any race. How do i sort out these feelings?

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was on craigslist..and one of the whores he attempted to screw around with was/is a different race. She sent him a pic. Im not racist. Have never been. But now,when I see a pretty young woman of the same race as this whore,I feel very insecure,and I find myself not liking her. But,honestly,if the whore had had long blond hair,Im pretty sure that would be a problem for me too.

As it is..he cheated on me with a man.

I have never had a problem with gay men..ever. I've been very vocal about fairness and equal rights,etc. But anything that has to do with gay men now? Can't deal with it.

I think what you're feeling is normal. It doesn't make you a racist. It makes you human. I bet if her OM had been short with a goatee,you would hate goatees.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last AP is from the UK. Same race, but I cringe whenever we hear a man speaking with a British accent, because it's probably a trigger for BH.

If you're not comfortable with her having a male trainer...why does she have one? Aren't there plenty of perfectly qualified female trainers? Even pre-A, we would've considered it a potential boundary violation for me to have a (hetero) male trainer.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ahhhh... no more male trainers.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
SuperSadWife
♀ New Member
Member # 39896
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea. Well I'm not if i am rascist but I always disliked Filipinos..maybe because I am a Spaniard and my grandfather lost so much on his businesses there.. But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid. And it seemed that WH always has a thing for them but before I trusted him and didn't think twice if he looked since he promised he would never cheat because he didnt need to and it was not worth.. WTF happened.. Now I cring at their sight.. Go figure..


Me (50)BW
Him (46) FWH
DD 17 and seriously hurt by this all..
Married for 18 years..together 20yrs
EA 2009- 23 yr old that has a childhood crush on my husband. named her child after my husband...sick girl on & off +2years stopped when he started

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are wonderful professional Women Trainers. I'd insist that she have a female trainer...or that she train alone; Or simply skip the gym until she LEARNS A BIT OF COMPASSION/EMPATHY FOR YOU AND YOUR PAIN.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6153 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can't find a female trainer?

But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid

Damn. I'm Asian, young, but not stupid. Always nice to be hated based on race, no matter what the reason. I have to admit, re-reading that whole post kind of sickens me.

Hmm, my husband cheated on me with a white girl. Do I get a free excuse hate card as well?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1295 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I read somewhere that it only takes a 5-10% correlation to trigger emotions. The OP in my situation is from Roswell, NM and now when I hear anything about UFOs and aliens I think of her and get angry. Now how irrational is that?!? Little green men trigger me!!!


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really, really tricky subject that I've thought a lot about. I'm Caucasian, WW is Latina, OM (a friend) was African-American. It hasn't stopped me from continuing to have friends of that race, but if I'm being honest... When I go out and see mixed race couples of the same combination as my wife and OM, I do trigger a bit. It's weird, because the interracial aspect doesn't affect me at all (clearly, since I'm in one) it's just the specific black male/ Latin female combo. If the genders are switched, boom, no trigger.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
JanetS
♀ Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dark Inertia:

Damn. I'm Asian, young, but not stupid. Always nice to be hated based on race, no matter what the reason. I have to admit, re-reading that whole post kind of sickens me.

Hmm, my husband cheated on me with a white girl. Do I get a free excuse hate card as well?

I'm sure SuperSadWife did not mean it the way it sounded. We're talking of triggers here....so any "reminder" of the affair partner can trigger when somebody of similar race, style, voice, occupation...whatever....comes into their vision. Her husband's choice of OW, to SuperSadWife seemed to be young, stupid Asians. Of course not all Asians are stupid (OR YOUNG). I can see how those words would hurt you though.

[This message edited by JanetS at 11:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2596 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea. Well I'm not if i am rascist but I always disliked Filipinos..maybe because I am a Spaniard and my grandfather lost so much on his businesses there.. But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid. And it seemed that WH always has a thing for them but before I trusted him and didn't think twice if he looked since he promised he would never cheat because he didnt need to and it was not worth.. WTF happened.. Now I cring at their sight.. Go figure..
Wow.

My XWH cheated with white women (we're both black), mainly a specific hair color, hair type, and body type. WHILE we were married, this particular "look" triggered me badly, especially since he was an unremorseful fuckweasel.

Current hubby is white. His brothers, their wives, kids, parents etc are white. I think its safe to say that I don't have a problem with Caucasians.

Hurtincolorado- I get where its coming from. Time, distance, and remorse from your WW will help. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound likes she "gets" it.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6597 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Ex had an affair with a woman of another race that barely spoke English. That idiot downloaded a translator app on his phone just to communicate with her better.

For a while I felt sick to my stomach whenever I was around someone of that race who spoke her language or had a very strong accent.

Thankfully it didn't last long. Ironically, the first guy to try to date me after we separated was of the same race as OW! He wanted a relationship and I'm FAR from that point so we definitely weren't on the same page.

But it helped me to stop making OW the disgusting and morally reprehensible representative of an entire race of people.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Opheliapain
♀ Member
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH had affairs with women of at least 4 different races and his cheating all started with a kiss from another guy.

I trigger and still struggle but it is not their race (or gender) that makes them broken people. Just like everyone of your wife's race is not broken it is true of the AP's race.

But for now it is okay to feel triggery. Don't add guilt sprinkles on your shit sandwich. Just move through your triggers and it will stop bothering you at all.

Example...two weeks ago I ordered a dish at the Cheesecake factory that had the same name as OW (the one he told he loved her to) and her name was SUCH a huge trigger. I didn't realize the dish was her name until later that night and then it didn't even trigger me.


Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately most times when there is a disclaimer when discussing issues involving race such as: "it's not about race" - it usually is.

Sorting out your feelings might include actually asking your WW what she liked about him instead of assuming it was his race. For her, it may have had nothing to do with race, and was maybe something similar to blonds being attracted to brunettes, etc. But then making the leap to being suspicious about her "working" with someone of this race doesn't really lend itself to not being about race.

Regarding the personal trainer, the simple fix is a female trainer. Ask yourself how you'd feel about a female trainer who is the same race as the AP?


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j @SuperSad - simply wow.

I'd love to be as magnanimous about what you're "trying" to communicate as JanetS, but your post is simply offensive.

I get "triggers" but let's be clear, that's not what you're talking about.

end t/j


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I read somewhere that it only takes a 5-10% correlation to trigger emotions. The OP in my situation is from Roswell, NM and now when I hear anything about UFOs and aliens I think of her and get angry

Yup, same thing with me and cops. I can't stand seeing any cop now!


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 492 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hm, I think there is a fine line between racism and association due to insecurity.

If my wife had slept with a black guy, I'd be insecure about black guys. Not hate, just a constant roll of "Man they must be better than me, and not just because they can make a pink polo shirt work in an everyday casual setting." I think I'd probably feel that most of those guys are okay but people being who they are regardless of ethnicity, well, some suave young fellow in a pink polo shirt might catch her eye and be receptive if the stirrings of infidelity barfed all over things again. So it's less about racism and more about the checklist of things that were involved. If it was a guy who wore balloons on his head then I'd be insecure about balloons. Luckily for me it was just some loser with a big dick, and I duct taped a broom handle to my cock and got over that one, everything else I'm just more awesomer anyway.

I think sorting out these feelings probably requires professional help, but the easiest way to deal with it is to tell her that you're uncomfortable with her having any one on one time with another guy. Tell her you need her to work with a female trainer to be comfortable with it.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SuperSadWife...

While you're entitled to your opinion, we would caution you that your post/words are very hurtful and offensive to anyone there that is of that race.

Please be more respectful to the wide range of members we have here.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198457 | Registered: May 2002
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With me it wasn't a race thing so much but a generality thing so to speak. My exWW cheated on me with a high ranking military officer. It very much undermined my self esteem because of his rank. I know for a fact it's what attracted her to him. I'm not nor have ever been in the military. Anyhow, I live in a military town. Whenever for instance I would stand behind one of our soldiers in uniform at a Starbucks or in line at the airport, I've wanted to do nothing but punch him in the back of the head. And I don't even know this person. Watching all our sporting events that honor people who serve (especially during national anthems) really made me sick to my stomach and for a long time because I grouped all these men as cheaters and looking for nothing but a piece of ass. About 8 months after Dday I went on a four hour flight and went to take my seat. It was next to a serviceman in uniform. Wow that was tough for me. Feeling that way actually sickened myself. It took a few yeas now to begin getting over that. Lots of reading about it to help me deal with that anger.

What I suppose you're feeling has to do more with triggers probably than discrimination. I can tell you it will pass with time. But I do not think it's unreasonable for you to request your wife not to work out with any male trainers. She needs to sympathize with you and adhere to that request. If she doesn't it's an action of being unremorseful towards your feelings. For me that would be a huge deal breaker if she didn't make an effort to understand that. But then again, they can't really understand in the first place why cheating is wrong either.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 8:33 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think race would bother me, I love men of all races and have friend of all races. I love human life. What does TRIGGER THE HELL out of me is that DAMN name! And it is so popular that I have to hear it at least 3x a day.

My wh and I are not of same race. I am white and he is black. I realize that I have to be more afraid of the white women here. I swear where I live it is like a trend or something now. If a white girl see's a black man (no matter age) she is all on it.

Now, my wh is insercure of white men and me. He thinks that I would go back to a white man. That is not true. I will go for a man that treats me as a queen, protects me, cherishes, and adores me. Nothing to do with color or penis size. SO AH WH!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2807 | Registered: Aug 2011
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