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User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take the gift. Say "Thank you." Put it away for DD when she gets older.

Does he expect you to wear it? Do you have to open it in front of him?

If accepting the gift empowers him and creates more problems, then you could gently suggest that gift giving at this stage is inappropriate and makes you feel "guilty" or whatever word works for implying that the fault is yours and not his!

I would take the path of least resistance here since you are trying for civility.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can - You are NOT a self absorbed person, FAR from it. There are things in our lives that will require more of us than normal. And this is definitely one of those times!!

We hear it here all the time on SI: "Be Gentle With Yourself". If this was easy it wouldn't hurt so bad. Most (ALL!) of us have spent so many years outside focused we've neglected ourselves, forgot ourselves. It's time to focus on you for awhile. Maybe a long while. I understand how uncomfortable that feels, maybe even a little selfish. We are just WAY out of practice!!

I'm glad you have your son and neighbors for support, please don't forget to lean on them when you need it. And of course there's all of us here any time you need it!

(((CAN)))


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bent44 - Is your ex of three years buying you expensive jewelry? Is this happening regularly (inexpensive & expensive gifts)?

If it's just once in a blue moon and you don't think he'll seriously get 'ideas' when you accept it then I think bent44's suggestion is a good option.

I'd really have to weigh the following:

-High price items (if it's expensive, men usually think it means a lot)
-Personal items (which jewelry certainly can be)
-Frequency - is he giving expensive ones once in a while, but also little ones a lot as well
-Excuse for gift - is it out of the blue, Christmas/Birthday, Valentine's?

My H tries to buy me with "low cost" shit. That doesn't necessarily mean cheap, but it's things that don't cost him anything emotionally and are relatively easy to do.

For me, anything except a charm for my bracelet would not be something I could accept. And even then it better be handed to me from my kids and have their name on the tag!

I think the majority of men who do this stuff are just trying to be nice, but a lot of NPD's really are attempting to buy something from you. If there's a strong history throughout your marriage of this, it might be time to put a stop to it.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your replies! I find myself caught deep in the narc web, and am confused.

It was a vday gift from him with a note saying, " love you, miss you, wish I could kiss you". I did not give him a gift, but got a token gift for our daughter to give him.

Jewelry was often attached to apologies during our relationship. Buying things to show love or remorse is a pattern.

He holds onto a loose fantasy of us reuniting in that entitled narc way. Whether he does it to keep his supply or avoid pain of accepting loss I do not know. It is not genuine, this I know.

I have consistently refused his overtures, invites, texts, etc. I do not tell him directly to bugger off. I have told him that via divorce and my actions since.

Living in integrity would mean returning the bracelet, and if he were a normal person, this would be a no brainer!

But I am afraid of the fallout if I return it. As you guys know, a slighted narc is not a pretty picture, and heaven forbid the ramifications if I burst his denial bubble. I am afraid he would try to take our daughter to get back at me...he has in the past. Her well being rests on him not getting a hold of her for reasons beyond his narcissism.

So once again, I am caught in the narc web....do I choose my integrity or fear? Seems like a no brainer, so why is this so hard?

Damnit, three years out and still he can get to me. I am spending WAY too much energy on this.

To all here, bless each and everyone of us. May we find peace and strength. It is not an easy path.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
WoundedOpus
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Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, not having a good day (and it's only 9AM!).

Considering it was not only Valentine's but my fucking DDay as well, I thought I was doing pretty good.

I've been working so hard to detach / not engage / work on me / recommit to doing things for me...but I'm human, which is sometimes so damn inconvenient.

Due to snow and no school, I haven't been able to get out without the kids (and honestly the last thing I wanted to do is walk the 'love' isles of Target ) So I texted H to please pick up some Valentine's stuff for the boys on his way home, and asked him to please not get anything for me. I wasn't snarky about it or being mean I just didn't want him showing up with my 'usually'. I was doing good and didn't need any stupid trigger to throw me off. I should have known better than to say anything at all, I'll blame it on getting not one second of sleep the previous night

I can't even remember how the conversation started to go downhill but barrel down it did. Of course he was going to ignore the significance of the day. Of course he wasn't going to support me in any way. Of course everything was going to be all about him. And if for one second I ever start to forget this fact, he's such a doll and makes sure to remind me.

I honestly know and expect this. I wasn't even really upset about it irritated that I still have to deal with him at all, but not upset. So this morning rolls around and I'm a little cranky from still being overly tired (and come on, it's the day after DDay's AntiV / the day after yesterdays 'I'm a douche' reminder). I wasn't picking a fight or anything but it's obvious I'm cranky. And because he doesn't have an empathetic bone in his body and doesn't even attempt to fake being a person capable of reacting appropriate to someone else's feelings, he ends up irritated and pissy with me.

No need to go into a ton of details about the next 15 minutes, we've all BTDT. The old (and very hurt) me took over and refused to listen to my whispering voice of reason :(

It ended with him pulling out the card most likely to inflict the most damage - Him accusing me of abusing our kids. Most if not all of you know this drill or a similar variation of it:

-I say something he doesn't want to hear (you know, like a feeling)
-He deflects/blame shifts/BS's/whatever
-My anxiety stupidly rises and I say something else
-He starts to blame me for everything
-I'm a dumbass and make a comment about him never being responsible for anything
-He claims I'm a terrible mother (or abusing them!) for talking when the kids are around/getting upset/ruining their lives
-Then the jackass had the nerve to say that I wasn't doing anything to work on this marriage (while implying I never have, since I just 'live in the past''.
-I exit the room...and take my 2nd Xanax of the morning

This one hasn't happened yet, but it will...he'll wait till the most opportune time to strike: **
-He'll claim I'm neglecting/abandoning our kids 1.) Because I'd rather abuse and attack him than 'some random motherly thing I should have been doing' 2.) Left the room to be alone to calm down and collect myself 3.) Refuse to be his wife so it's all my fault

I know it's all bullshit and his words are not my reality. I know he just deflects and projects and goes on the attack acting like a 2yo having a tantrum when things aren't going their way. This is certainly a good reminder why I've moved out of room and attempt NC as much as possible, and a great motivator to work harder on not engaging again!

** Didn't even finish typing before he showed up asking what I was doing and commenting that it seems I'm on the computer a lot lately (with a face and tone that gives away where he's going with this). We got distracted doing something for one of the kids, but eventually he'll get around to bringing it back up and how I'm avoiding and neglecting them.

It's going to be a looooooong weekend!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bent44 - Living in integrity would mean returning the bracelet, and if he were a normal person, this would be a no brainer!

These don't have to be your only two options. If perception is reality then reality should alter our perceptions (perceptions of what our options are/what our choices are). Reality with a narc is messed up and leaves us with messed up choices.

Maybe your real two choices are 1.) Battle over something that doesn't really matter, possibly risking you and your daughter (it's not like keeping it actually means you'll get back with him) 2.) Let him think whatever delusional thing he wants and in doing so, keep you and your daughter safe

They make everything more complicated, and adjusting our natural response is not easy and it takes time.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Opus,

Is there any room for you to honor your vulnerable triggered self? I know...really hard with narc and kids around, but it sounds like you are in quite the conundrum. Keep plowing forward in the minefield, or find some way to honor and cherish yourself so you are better equipped to navigate.

All of the "knowing" in the world cannot combat a hurt heart. You are justifiably triggering. Screw his expectations and lack of support. Your well being is worth a half hour journaling or soaking in a tub or taking a peaceful walk, or whatever works for you.

You can't be there for your kids when you aren't there for yourself. Screw guilt and take care of your heart as he obviously can't. Let it be your Valentine's gift to yourself and your kids....better than any store bought gift by far!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the reply Opus, and hope your morning is getting better. I am sorry you are dealing with all this. Sending you peace.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

** Didn't even finish typing before he showed up asking what I was doing and commenting that it seems I'm on the computer a lot lately (with a face and tone that gives away where he's going with this). We got distracted doing something for one of the kids, but eventually he'll get around to bringing it back up and how I'm avoiding and neglecting them.
Geez, this sounds so familiar to me. It's all about control and manipulation. "How dare you take any time to yourself?" I lived that way for a long, long time. It's exhausting!! I think he's afraid for you to do anything at all that he doesn't direct or sanction, because he doesn't want to lose that control. Maybe he senses that he is.

{{{ Hugs }}} Remember to breathe a deep breath in times of huge stress, and think of us here. We know how you feel.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bent,

I say you do what you need to do to keep your daughter safe. You still have your integrity!! Loads of it! {{{ Hugs }}} to you, too! I remember you from waaaaaay back!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
GingerAle
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Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WoundedOpus)))) I hate the weekends. Yesterday when I realized it was Friday (thought if was Thursday for a good part of the morning) I was instantly depressed feeling. Cannot wait to be out of here! I hope the weekend goes by quickly for you.

((((bent44)))) That's a tough situation with the gift. I guess I would just keep it to avoid the horrible fallout of saying no, but not wear it. It's is exhausting dealing with these freaks of nature .


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
In-House Separation. Yuck.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Nov 2011
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bent44 -

I'm trying to do more for me. It's a bit rough with all of the kids, especially one too young for even preschool, but I'm working on it. I'm really wishing I had scheduled a hair appointment for today!

Compartmented -

There's quite a bit going on with him and you're correct in thinking the majority is his loss of control. He's freaking that I'm not doing everything he wants now. I'm no longer silent, in his bed, and acting the good wife. He doesn't know what's in my head any longer and is panicked that one day, I won't just leave our bedroom but our home and him as well. Also, when he gets in 'this place' and is in attack mode, anything I do gets twisted and used as a weapon. If I'm this terrible person then he isn't really that bad right? Makes it easier to live with himself and in his mind has the added bonus of knocking me down a peg or two. Disgustingly it used to work very well because I was pretty blind to the manipulation. It used to be a hell of a lot more subtle though, you can tell he's beyond desperate now. The shit he says is so over the top ridiculous and irrational it would be hard not to see it for what it is.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bent))) I really hate that you can't give back that bracelet. But I understand the other posts and agree that it's just safer for you to keep it.

I'm learning a lot here.

(((Tribe))) My Valentine's gift this year was an email from the child custody evaluator who said he won't have the report done on Monday after all!!!! He wants to come and visit my home and STBX's home - and have dinner with us and the children

I also got the bill from him (minus what he will charge for the dinners!!!). I could buy a new car with it. I had to take the money for it out of my retirement account, which will be completely emptied by the end of this.

I cried and cried last night. DAMN IT. I thought that the report would finally be complete. I was banking on it, no matter the outcome. I just want it OVER with. It's just another setback. One after another after another. Meanwhile STBX NPD SA who is fighting me for custody took off for a five-day weekend (and I have the kids home from school (snow) for FIVE days straight).

Yet HE wants joint custody. He won't even see his kids for ten days. It's just so disgusting and unfair, and I'm feeling really beaten down.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Opus, I hope again the day is getting better.I understand the pressures of a lil one in the house, and imagine you may be getting more judgement than help from your narc other half. I am so sorry.

Compartmented, thanks for the shout out. It is a bit sad to think we are all here for so long dealing with this stuff, but it sure is nice to be among this tribe!

I made the trip to Tiffany's today to return the bracelet. Got a necklace that matches the one he got for our daughter and used the balance to get a pair of pearl earrings to give daughter at a later date. Figure I will wear the necklace once in his presence to appease him, then put it away. I used to love blue boxes...not so much now.

I composed a variety of emails explaining my choice along with oodles of gratitude until I remembered some advice given long ago about dealing with these folks:


Never justify
Never explain
Never defend yourself
Never provide details

I will wear the necklace, not send the email, and not poke the tiger. Then will find some way to bolster the integrity hit.

Thank you ladies for holding my hand again. A pure and selfless heart wish to you all this Valentines weekend.



"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I should clarify. I returned the bracelet because it was not my style. Besides, getting a necklace like my daughter's seemed nice. XWS is cool with the return, he offered as much when he gave it.
Thank you all again for your support in this rather trivial dilemma!

Choosing hope, please do not despair. These guys often slip up and he may very well show his colors under this pressure. Be true to yourself and hang in there. Sometimes when things seem the darkest, a new light shines through. You are in my thoughts.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
cantaccept
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Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During false R, wh would see me on the computer and get angry, especially if it was SI, or reading anything to do with infidelity.

He would tell me if I would stop living in the past and focus on the present, stop filling my head with all that shit, everything would be fine.

Thankfully, I did not believe him nor do what he wanted. Probably part of the reason for dday #2, I was not being the same compliant, ass kissing wife he left the first time.

I think they are afraid we will see who they are and also the lose of control frightens them. The connection with the outside world without their control frightens them.

I received more emails last night and I so want to respond, I did not and will not but damn all the things that spin in your head are hard to contain!

#1 "talk to me"
#2 "talk to me wife, I hurt so bad"
#3 "I knew a man bangles and he danced for me with worn out shoes" (wrong words are his)
#4 "sorry for disturbing you, I didn't know you were on a date"

I want to say to him...

Talk to you? Talk to you because you hurt? Like when I hurt when you walked out a second time for another woman? Hurt, like when I found out that the last 10 months of "working on our marriage" was a total lie? Hurt, like when I realized that every kind gesture or word that you were able to manage was a lie? Hurt, like when I realized that you lied in MC every week? Hurt, like when I realized that I went through all that pain, fought those triggers to show you my love, exposed my vulnerability to you that you didn't even care, that you were already grooming your next conquest? Hurt, like when I realized that you were a evil inside as I feared?

As you said to me, "I can say anything, to anyone I want. I am no longer with you". That is true for me now too. I am no longer with you. My life is my own and not yours to control.

Another quote, "divorce is just a piece of paper". To me, I did not feel the same, I still do not feel the same, I need the finality, the formal dissolution. At the same time, my heart is divorced, I do not owe you loyalty, compassion, empathy or accountability. You threw those away when you made the choices for our life without consulting me.

Now, I belong to me. I do and say what is right for me and I no longer have to fear your reaction. Your feelings, if that is what you would call them or anger are no longer a part of my life. The papers are filed and it is only a matter of time for the legal divorce.

I am no longer your wife and I realized that I never had a husband, only a shell with no heart or soul.

Just a side note. What the hell with those lyrics??? Does that have any meaning at all??? It is a song that you liked to sing, no connection to me, are you just drunk and saying what little comes into your head?

Okay, now I feel better.

oh yeah, email from a couple of days ago.

"we are supposed to be together because I hurt"

So very insightful and meaningful.

I remember MC saying to me privately, "he is emotionally immature with narcissistic traits". This was while wh was lying to him and pretending to care, pretending to want to change, pretending to love me.

I so want this to all be in the distant past.

For those of you with some time out from this...

How often did you think about this every day?

It has only been about 7 weeks since dday #2, so I am trying to be patient. I just want to stop thinking about it! I can change my thoughts, change the meaning of them when I conciously recognize them, but they seem to come into my head and then I have to work to make them stop.

It seems so exhausting mentally to always be so aware of what you are thinking. I even plan ahead about what to think about when I know I have to drive. It feels like a fight to stop the thoughts.

Anybody else?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can, it took time for me to develop the hyper focus you already have. Once I did that, I could just choose what to focus on! Kids, job, events, tasks at hand, my garden. I 'allowed' him certain times, an hour in the morning and evening-times I was stronger physically so I only had to worry about the emotional fallout.

Like I posted it took time to learn to do this.


((((((Choosing hope)))))))

Is it customary for the evaluator to have dinner with the families they evaluate? It sounds a bit odd to me, but I haven't had to deal with one so I would not know! Can you have the evaluator over while x is out of town?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
eyesrnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living with a Narc:

Reading all your posts I realize no matter if we choose D or R, it is necessary to manage our NPDs but more important we must always remember to take care of ourselves and adjust our thinking.

Can't: You are right, it is exhausting! We need to sooth ourselves and always be prepared for thier NPD episodes.

Opus: Your NPD sounds so much like mine, bad gifts the manipulation around the kids. Like yours mine was never a rager but a sneaky manipulator. When I was good he praised me as such a good mother, then when he would manipulate, I was the root of all evil in my children's lives. Now I see it all as projecting.

We all need to find the things that help us self sooth and work on our own self esteem. Part of who I was before was someone who bought into his narc perceptions that we were the perfect couple with great family,meant to be together and better than everyone else. I had to get rid of his narc perceptions and give myself the ok to be a human mother who makes mistakes like every other human. I had to let go of the fact that I was neither evil or special.

I completely understand your conflict Bent. We all want to be honest because we are not by nature manipulators. We are genuine. But with a Narc we need to be guarded and use some of the same tactics to survive. I sometimes feel like I am now the manipulator.

Once he realized that his manipulations don't work and his mask is off, he got worse and he started to rage. At first it destroyed me, how can he cheat and then blame and then become so mean. Through much therapy and self examination and seeing him more clearly without his mask I see the truth. The truth is I have given up on the Narc dream that we are special and also the Narc mentality that I am evil. I not only have learned to self sooth but I have learned to sooth him. So I not only don't poke the tiger but I calm the tiger. When he rages, I rub his arm, ask if he is finished. Validate some truth to what he says like, I hear you say you want xxxx, or you feel xxxx, I never argue or agree, just state what I hear. I keep my voice monitone and calm. He immediately gets disarmed because I am not arguing with him. I stay calm because I don't really define myself by his words. Sometimes when his accusations are so outrageous, I point that out calmly with a sarcastic statement, like " ok, I hear you saying I am the root of all evil. I'm glad you got that out of your system." I don't look at it as manipulation, I look at it as survival.

With a narc it is exhausting. It's like being on the bomb squad. You never know when you have to be called in to suit up in your anti bomb gear and go in and diffuse the bomb. Who else understands this type of survival. No one but you ladies who have also survived. We are strong and survivors. Thank God for this forum and all of you for your support.

[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 8:49 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as 展arrior work. A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control power or profit.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadtoo
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Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,
I would seriously consider changing your phone number. He has nothing to say but a bunch a senseless jibberish that's only purpose is to "bait" you into feeling sorry for him, messing with your head, confusing you, hurting you, and trying to get you to engage with him.

His messages are nothing but "white noise" (think Charlie Brown's teacher) whah-whah-whah!

If he has anything of substance to say, he can hire a lawyer and say it to him/her and have them tell your lawyer.

It seems that every time you hear from him, you have a setback. (totally normal) If you had kids together, you would have reason to continue some limited contact. But you don't. So you are in an ideal situation to completely cut ties and begin your healing.

(((Can)))


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bent44 - I think you handled that situation perfectly. And geez, I can sooo relate to writing multiple versions of emails to my H, each one getting shorter and shorter. Each including less emotion and detail (justify/explain/defend/reasoning) until I either reached an appropriate version of "I'm sorry you feel that way" or just said F*ck It, closed my laptop and not sent anything at all

ChoosingHope - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I can only imagine how ready you are to have something so huge resolved! Is this normal? My ex (1st husband) was the king of empty custody threats thankfully so I never actually had to fight him. Since no custody evaluator was ever involved I don't know how this usually works, but this seems a bit much?


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

的 don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


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