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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
anewhaven
♀ Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Sadtoo - it makes me feel better to know I can walk away with dignity and get off the hamster wheel without being a coward.

This is just so hard.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just so hard.

I know.

I remember in my situation the verbal abuse was so horrible too. He could say things that absolutely cut to the bone. It took me a long time to learn to detach too.

What are your long term plans? Are you divorcing?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
anewhaven
♀ Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not divorcing. Still in the stage of figuring it all out. I have read several books on NPD, and am now waiting on one to arrive to help me learn how to establish boundaries.

If I have any questions about that, I'll come on back!


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, don't ask her this question. Even if she is NPD, she will lie. And if she is not, she will be highly insulted.

Thank you, Sadtoo. She has completely disappeared after love-bombing me and having sex with me (and worse, sleeping over, which stirred my emotions). I am resisting contacting her for "closure," but what's the point. She won't give me the answer I am looking for and will likely increase my pain. Whether I have been NPD'd or not, I have clearly been used and discarded. It is confusing and it hurts, but I will be OK.

I don't like these people!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine asked me last night when we could start dating again. I said weren't you already? And he said no I mean when can I ask you out? I haven't even filed for the divorce yet. He conveniently doesn't remember any of the horrible sadistic things he did.


Me BS 32
STBXH 34
3 kids
Divorcing, though he isn't on board.
DDay July 13'

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2013
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a confession. I broke NC again, I responded to his emails. I exposed myself to him again.

It was a rough couple of days. I discovered that a friend that I had not seen for a couple of years passes away very suddenly. It was so shocking, I still cannot believe he is gone forever.

The same day one of my elderly neighbors, the ones I cook for, called, her husband was on the ground and could not get up. He looked awful, I could see he is really sick. We called 911. After I left I knew it is only a short time left for him. They have been together since their teens. It broke my heart to see and also made me happy for them and then selfishly made me ache for what I do not have.

He emailed me that night. "I will do anything", "you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, inside and out", "my entire being aches for you".

I started responding, as if I forgot who he really is.

The only positive thing I did was remained strong in myself as to what I need. Not quite strong enough but I did not go running to him as I would have last year.

I stated that the only way I would even consider talking to him again is if he started posting here on SI, everyday, honestly and told his whole story and also responded consistently to others that responded to him.

IC with our previous therapist.

Then maybe I would consider talking to him.

His response was, "our first date will be a movie".

I responded, "no, no dates, no talking until after consistent actions over time".

His response, "I have my demands of you and will not consider talking to you until you meet them. It is not my fault you are like you are. We are both nut jobs".

Okay, end of contact. No more. He is who he is and will never change. It has been 1 1/2 days with no contact. I begin again.

I thought I was stronger and all it took was a series of hard painful emotions to make me vulnerable again.

It is hard to not turn to the familiar when you hurt. I have to remember that in doing so I only expose myself to more pain.

My neighbor is in the hospital. He will not be coming home. I am sad for them, I am also happy that they shared their life together, loved each other and are sharing the end of their lives together too. It is bittersweet and that is life.

Damn this is hard. It is so twisted. I see how the emails are like a drug, a tiny taste of how he treated me a long time ago. That is what I have been trying so desperately to get back all these years. It is hard to accept that it was never real.

The more I read though the more I start to believe. I have been reading a lot lately and hearing others stories and the descriptions of the "process" of sucking you in and then the devaluation and abuse, it was my life.

Starting again, but at least not from the bottom.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stated that the only way I would even consider talking to him again is if he started posting here on SI, everyday, honestly and told his whole story and also responded consistently to others that responded to him.

IC with our previous therapist.

Then maybe I would consider talking to him.

His response was, "our first date will be a movie".

I responded, "no, no dates, no talking until after consistent actions over time".

His response, "I have my demands of you and will not consider talking to you until you meet them. It is not my fault you are like you are. We are both nut jobs".

Can,
Please go back to read and re-read that series of text messages. It is so telling. Not ONE time does he address anything you ask or say. Instead he immediately begins to manipulate and take control by devaluing you.

First he says he will do anything. But follows it up by making demands on you! WTF??

If he was sincere, he would have addressed each of your requests and not only agreed to do them, but he would have already started doing them. But what has he done? A big fat nothing!

Can, this guy is so, so toxic. You can do this. You're on day two. Keep going!

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:49 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw it. That is why I was able to cut off contact so quickly.

There was more. It was all about him and he completely ignored everything I asked.

It's like having a conversation and speaking two completely different languages.

He just gives these little sound bites. No substance, no thought.

Tonight he sent...

"how do you approach your wife after you have cheated on her"

"how do you tell her you miss her"

I did very clearly, step by step.

He is not concerned with me at all. I see that, I hate to believe it but it is really true. It hurts to know that this is true.

The reading is helping. I think I just need to keep reading it over and over until it is just a fact in my brain.

I will not respond, only ignore. I thought that he might stop when I emailed back the last time that I could not do this, did not want this as a part of my life. I told him that after the first time there was a possiblity of working it out but not now, not after the second betrayal.

I think that I just showed him that he could wear me down. Now I see how I have encouraged him. He caught me at a weak time. I am gaining strength again.

I was thinking about what to do when my neighbor passes, that I should let him know and then I was nervous about having to see him. I have decided to say nothing and maybe he won't find out.

I have not seen him since Dec. 20th and I really don't want to. I started with the nightmares again over the last couple of days. He was in them all. I thing my mind was telling me that I was putting myself in danger again.

Ughh, this just sucks.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that he might stop when I emailed back the last time that I could not do this, did not want this as a part of my life

No, that doesn't work. He hears, "I love you and I want you."

The only thing he is going to understand is *crickets*.

Can, my "creep meter" is registering pretty high with your NPD. Please be careful.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If sadtoo's creep meter is going off, please listen!!!

When you fall of the NC wagon, you get back on and start NC from right now. Crickets!!

anewhaven,

Be safe, be wise, and be careful.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I need to be careful.

It seems as if I forgot? Lost trust in my own perceptions again?

I have been remembering a lot today.

I don't want to keep focusing on the negative but in a way it helps to keep me safe.

I remember the time he destroyed my shop. I had a business painting furniture. He had been fired from his job and started working with me. (he tried to take over!)

I bent over to get my keys out of my tote bag. He got angry because he said I did it deliberately because there was a man walking behind us. ???

It was crazy. He would not talk to me at all. I had to leave I could not take the stress. I went to my sisters and talked to her about it. Asked her if I behaved inappropriately.

After a bit I went home. He was there drunk and abusive, raging. I took my dog and went to the store. It was total destruction as I have never seen, it was violence, it terrified me.

Furniture was broken, paint everywhere, broken glass, the radio hanging out of the ceiling, the phone smashed, it was total destruction.

I called my sister, she came and called the police. They could do nothing as the business was in him name too.

I stayed at my sisters. The next day we were at the store cleaning up. He showed up and he looked so remorseful, "what have I done?", even my sister took pity. Of course we were raised in the same home so we tend to respond in the same ways. This was our "normal".

Of course I forgave him. Then I was so, so very careful to never bend over like that again.

His response after about a week. "It wasn't that bad, you made me angry, I didn't do it in front of you, you didn't see it".

Wow.

I remember a police woman taking me aside, "just because I can't do anything doesn't make this okay. This is not normal. He has anger issues. He could hurt you".

I think he could. I just always backed down. Except that one night last April, I was so hurt, it was the six month mark of dday #1 and I was hurting. He got physical. He shook me like a rag doll, he slammed me into the door frame, he chased me into the bedroom and knocked down the door, he picked me up and threw me. He didn't stop until I was on the ground unable to move.

He is capable.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

$hit. I let him into my house (kid exchange). And he was nice and giving me compliments on my place so I engaged in conversation. Then I noticed his body posture change, and his eyes were scanning around, like he was calculating something.
He is up to something....
not sure what..

I think his calculating may have been jealously (as my place is looking better then his), maybe that was why his mood changed.

crap... next comes sabotage or petty revenge.
rinse,
recycle,
repeat.

I'm so sick of this.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"what have I done?"

Unbelievable!!

Not, "Let me clean that up and then I will go check myself in at the nut-ward for anger management and for being a complete lunatic."

OMG! I hate his guts!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is just missing a heart.

I remember how he treated me in the beginning. I could do no wrong. The friend that just passed away, it brought back a lot of memeories of that time.

We were at a craft show, friend came up to me and said how stbx seemed to love me so much and I remember saying, "he loves everything I do". I was so amazed. It felt so good to be accepted.

Then, I could do no right. I remember thinking that I was failing him. After all he loved me so much and now he is getting so upset with the things I do and say, it must be me.

I did not have much confidence or self esteem then. He made me feel so good about myself, praised my work, told all the time how lucky he was to have me.

Then it changed. Valentine's Day, it is the first time that I saw the shift, the devaluation. Of course, i blamed myself.

I see that I was raised for this. It was not a safe place to grow up. There was no protection. To have someone say nice things to me, to defend me, to be on my side, it felt like I had been longing for that my whole life.

Now, I have learned better. I have to value myself, I have to be secure in who I am and my worth and not depend on another for my value.

It has been a long couple of years.

Even though he never valued me, even though he was a lie, I was always valuable. I still am.

I don't know about my mother. I am remembering a lot about her, about how I never measured up, how she always saw my flaws. I think that contributed to my low self esteem. Then the alcoholic father. The physically abusive and worse. There was no protection from that either.

Now, I am able to protect myself. I have had this ramdom thought over the years and pushed it away because it made me feel sick.

Stbx reminds me of my father. I would think that and then refuse to think about it, say now he doesn't.

Yes, he does. My father laughed when he made us cry. He liked to hurt you and then make fun of you when you cried. He liked to humiliate you, embarrass you. He took his pleasure at the expense of others that were weaker.

One thing I think about myself. Trying not to sound vain but trying to find, remember the good of me. I have had all these cruel people in my life, my early life, I still am kind, I have empathy for others, I can love, I never abused, I survived this and I am a pretty decent person. That is strength.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can, it is strength. Don't forget that fact.

Actions speak louder than words. His actions scream that he doesn't value you! Please be careful.

My therapist had me write all the bad things he did. I also wrote all the good things he did. Funny thing every good thing had an audience. All the bad things were done privately-with no audience!

Makes me wonder about his motivation behind his good deeds!

Hugs.
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I guess I"m struck by the drama, the chaos, the confusion, the manipulation going on here. Life never seems peaceful with a NPD.

it makes me feel better to know I can walk away with dignity and get off the hamster wheel without being a coward.

These words really struck me. Can you really walk away with dignity from a NPD? Mine (and I see it over and over again here) has done his best to destroy me. He scares me. Am I a coward? I don't know. I think I need to be scared. He's scary.

I have a question, and maybe it's too broad. But how does it finally end with a combative NPD? Will he get bored and walk away? Ever??? Will he ever run out of lies? How many defeats will finally make him back down?

I have kids, we're in a custody battle. I can't walk away. Not at least until the custody and court battle are over.

I'm so exhausted. And I think he knows it.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CH)))

You have to stay strong! They feed off of being able to destroy us! I'm hoping more knowledgeable folks will be along shortly, but I wanted you to know you are heard and I'm thinking about you tonight.


Posts: 10973 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing,

My therapist says my X is never going to leave me alone. Time has shown her right so far. The good news is that the divorce was the biggest battle. He went straight to being in contempt of our agreement, initiating it the day after the divorce was final. He'd been planning it for months. It seems he enjoys it. Now that that is settled, he is doing lesser things.

The other good news is that the survival of each thing makes me stronger. So as his attacks get to be weaker and weaker because there's less he can do, I get stronger. I can handle more and I bounce back faster.

The bad news is how he affects the children. This is so hard to deal with, as there's not a whole lot I can do. I "model recovery" as best I can for them. I'm honest with them when they ask questions, but I don't triangulate between them and their father. As badly as his actions hurt me, I know I am just his ex-wife. For the children, it's harder in a lot of ways as he is their father. They have not been told about most of the awful things he's done, but what they do know is way too much to deal with.

My children are older than yours, so they can handle more. The advantage you have is that you can be right there for yours for many more years. You can answer their questions and soothe their hurts. You can teach them boundaries! That's one thing I'd love a do-over on.

It helps me a lot to learn more about addiction and personality disorders. The way I look at it is this: He's an alcoholic and a sex addict. Addicts blame others for their unhappiness. It can't be his fault he's as unhappy as he is, so he truly believes it is my fault. Therefore, I'll always be in danger from him.

It also helps tons to read here in this forum. I can sense the calm from the veterans, and I want that, too!!! Love The Tribe!


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, Choosing, remember that he is amazed at your strength, and he's reeling from your victories. If he's like mine, he never thought you'd have the strength that you do. He's got to be running scared. You are confusing him.

Mine writes me every now and then and has said he's shocked at how I've changed. I'm not the same old Compartmented anymore.

Damn Straight, FT, Damn Straight.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

remember that he is amazed at your strength, and he's reeling from your victories. If he's like mine, he never thought you'd have the strength that you do. He's got to be running scared. You are confusing him.

I love this!!!!

I have changed too, for the better. His "attacks" toward me no longer send me reeling for weeks. Now, I bounce back within a day.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
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