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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chippednotbroken, welcome to The Tribe.

Keep reading here, there's a lot of education in these pages -read and read. And be informed.
Your scared, you have every right to be-you know what he is capable of even if you talk yourself out of it! You do that because it's to hard to believe and we don't want to believe! Please ask your attorney about what you can and cannot do with a protection order in place, in some states you sending a pic might violate it, of course that would be AFTER he broke it by asking for it!
There are no trumps if you end up in the hospital. Please make yourself aware and be careful-the most dangerous time dealing with a narc is when your leaving. Things get out of hand and someone gets Burt. Please stay safe

Hugs k


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh.

I know what STBX is doing. He won't set a visitation schedule with DD. He makes only last minute plans.

He is still trying to keep me from going out and being independent. Still trying to control from the sidelines. So I can't make real grown-up plans.

Whatever, dude.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kajem,

Quite a sad story of an insane woman! So is she the NPD in your case? I only have read that one story, so I don't know all of the background. Wow - she's a real prize huh? Has he always been a spineless jellyfish?

And the letter complaining that your DDs grandparents treat them better than crazy lady's kids? Well, yah! Don't NWDC's have their own grandparents?

It's a sad day when an 'adult' is behaving like a jealous 12 year old, threatening everyone. The best part of that story was when FIL told her off. Good for him!!

Cutting of the phone service. Wow. Just Wow.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read it and re-read it basically just says no harassment and no encouraging him to violate it. Whatever that means. I just want to get the divorce filed but my attorney does not feel the same urgency I do. It's just a price of paper and unfortunately not printed on Kevlar. Eventually he will get mad again. Who knows when. I worry about visitation too. What if he comes after me when I drop them off? He has been good for a month but its only been a month. I know the most deadly time is during the process of leaving. The divorce papers may be enough to send him over the edge again.


Me BS 32
STBXH 34
3 kids
Divorcing, though he isn't on board.
DDay July 13'

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Quite a sad story of an insane woman! So is she the NPD in your case? I only have read that one story, so I don't know all of the background. Wow - she's a real prize huh? Has he always been a spineless jellyfish?

XH is a covert narc. He picked a bigger and badder narc in ow/NW. He wasn't a spineless jellyfish in our relationship-that was my job. Lovely doormat that I was.

After all that-and trust me, those are the highlights, he can't understand why his kids keep him/ her at arms length! He's a jerk, and she's a psycho biatch (PB & J for short). Together they are the dynamic duo of dysfunction!

Littlefoggy, my XH would do that. We had EOWE visitation (when they lived 2 hours away) he would ask the girls in Thursday night what my weekend plans were? If they knew they told him...and he'd cancel or switch pu times, or be late, or any other power play he could muster to make it known to me that THEY were in charge! It never ended, the kids just got better at dodging his questions about me.

It sucks, but it was easier to always have a backup plan when I had plans. Weekend away plans always had me scheduling kids for a weekend with their friends. I'd call the moms make the plans and wait for him to throw his wrench. The kids would be sad (for about a minute) then pick up their bag to be dropped off at the friends home. It only took him 2 years to realize that the only one loosing out was himself.

I got very good at him being a nonentity. I worked hard at cultivating a village to help raise my kids, they were the village idiots.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chippednotbroken,

There are lots of people who exchange kids at police stations, public places, etc. When XH lived 2hours away, we met at a halfway point. It was a convenience store/gas station just off the highway. It was a very busy place. We weren't the only families doing drop off.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Kajem,

Funny you should say cultivating a village... That is exactly what I have been working on doing this week. I am building back up so that I can actually feel like a grown up occasionally (outside of daycare hours )

Chippednotbroken,

I do exchanges at a grocery store. STBX and I live a mile away. I didn't feel safe with him coming to my house. We have only had one exchange. He is pretty unhappy about it. But I am holding firm so far.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good ideas. That is what I was assuming we could do also. Some public place where he can't snatch me. I just keep picturing him getting ahold of me and how long it would take for someone to notice. I have nightmares about him now. I guess you know you have moved on when you have nightmares about getting back together with someone.


Me BS 32
STBXH 34
3 kids
Divorcing, though he isn't on board.
DDay July 13'

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't worried about XH, well not after I located my kahunas and started nurturing them to grow.

I was/am worried about OW/NW, she scares me more than he does. My neighbor (detective) has told me that I need to get a gun. When ow/NW starts to loose control (which will eventually happen) she's going to destruct. He thinks she will come after me. His wife used to work in the same area with NW. NW sought her out to get info on me. NW regularly drove by my home, other neighbors noticed. They were all telling me she's crazy when it comes to me!

That was before I moved 3 hours away!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ughh, just feeling like crap for a couple of days. How does it keep shocking me? The reality of it just hits so hard sometimes.

I think I get it, I start to feel better and then bam, down I go. The pain feels overwhelming.

Just realizing over and over the reality. He never loved me, it was all a lie. That is so hard to accept.

Time, right?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time and action.

Oh and NC. That helps.

Can you've had some good days, any way to concentrate on them? That helped me.

It takes time to heal, just like a physical injury that causes as much pain - it will take time and therapy (physical, emotional) to make the injured place less prone to injury.

Hope this helps.

Hugs,

k


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem,

Thanks, it does help. It seem sometimes the brain just likes to go in circles. I have been in my car alot lately and I tend to ruminate. I have remember to prepare for my drives. I have found that if I plan what I am going to think about I do better when I am driving. I keep having these conversations in my head with him. All the things that I want to say and to ask, but I know the answers. I just have to keep reminding myself he is not like me, he doesn't think or have the same feelings as I do.

I have had some good days. I need to focus on the positive changes. I am sleeping better, better than I have in a year. I actually overslept for work!

Everyone is settling in nicely, all 4 dogs get along. My friend and my son get along well.

Having a little extra income has taken some pressure off.

wh was served on Friday. I should be free by June.

I am planning the things that I want to change outside. He made such a mess of the yard. The fire pit he built is destroyed because a fire was not enough, he had to build a bonfire, burn anything, particle board, whatever he could find. It would stink so badly that I had to close all the windows. I am going to turn it into a garden and get a small fire pit from Home Depot or Lowes. He would build such huge fires that I had to hose down the house and garage for fear of them catching fire. And of course, start them with gasoline so it made a loud boom and all the neighbors would ask what happened.

I had a physical today. My doctor congratulated me on getting out of a terrible situation. He made me laugh. He told me I was doing great and to be patient with myself.

I guess all in all life is pretty good. I know I do not want him in my life. It's as if my emotions have a life of their own sometimes. Even when I tell myself all the reasons that I am happier my heart still aches, I stil want to cry.

I think it is just coming to terms with the truth, letting go of the illusion.

Time.

I miss my therapist. I really miss my therapist.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Realizing the illusion was not my reality was HUGE. And it took actually being divorced and him showing his true self for me to actually start to believe. He was long gone and married, (and I was in another relationship) before I started to realize that I was married to an illusion. It did not help that he mirrors people. In essence I was married to an illusion of myself! No wonder we had such a wonderful marriage!

Narcissism is like a spider web, First you see something beautiful and investigate further, then you get caught and the more you struggle to break free the more entangle you are. IF you break free of the web, you are pulling strands of web off you. Just as you think your finally free of it, you find a strand leading to a place you never thought of. A place you thought was free of the web thru the whole process.

Keep up your working on yourself... I'm almost 11 years out of the relationship with my Narc....and I'm still having things pop up that didn't make sense then-with my new knowledge they make sense now.

I'm hoping with my new understanding of NPD, I can read the signs my body tells me it's NPD and get the heck out there before getting entagled in another web.

Its a process... there are Narcs everywhere.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It did not help that he mirrors people. In essence I was married to an illusion of myself! No wonder we had such a wonderful marriage!

This is exactly what has been blowing my mind lately, among other things. Now that I am not showing him anything, it is like looking at an empty space. I told my mom that I have had a fantastic marriage for 17 years with MYSELF.

I haven't been on for a while, but you have all been in my prayers and thoughts.

WH sat the kids down to tell them that he was moving out and was sad that they seemed underwhelmed. He basically parroted an email I had sent summarizing what I thought we should tell them: that he was moving out because he cheated. He didn't apologize or acknowledge that they have feelings or are affected by this. Last night I was talking to the older two about it, and they were really funny. 14 said there wasn't anything to react to, it was like WH was making a facebook status or a twitter update. Then 14 and 16 were joking that his conversation with them would read "#cheated; #movingout; #notsorry; #cheata4life" I am still laughing about it, but it is only funny and sad because it is so true. They have a much better read on him than I thought.

And he IS finally out. He didn't pack anything AT ALL, didn't arrange for a truck to take his furniture, didn't do anything until I made sure he had enough money and told him what to do. I got sucked in because he was all nice and talking to me reasonably, "I just want to make sure you and the kids are taken care of." Meanwhile hosing as much money out of me as possible. 16 brought the 2x4 to me later, pointing out that he only got nice because I had extra money and he wanted some of it, but not only that he wanted some of it, he wanted me to give him more than he asked for so he could look modest in his demands. If I gave him more, then he could get a moving truck...
Then he came over as pre-arranged to watch the Superbowl. I cooked the kids' requests and he partook, drank my beer, contributed nothing and basically acted like he was entitled to all of it. I told him later that if that is how he was going to act then he would not be welcome to hang out here. Then he said the line I've been buying for so long that I have a rotten stockpile of it composting in my gut: "I see how you might feel that way, but that is not what I intended." I call BS!

So now I am formalizing my boundaries and talking to another lawyer. I have a feeling if I don't set my expectations early then I will be leaving myself open for all kinds of games. It took five text messages just to get him to commit to a time to come Sunday.

Peace to you all Tribe.


"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

WS (him)-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

I've started dating someone--the first since my STBX, and my NPD antennae are on high alert. Now that I have had distance to examine my marriage to an NPD, I recognize all-too-well one of the cardinal traits of the NPD: idealization followed by devaluation. In the case of my marriage, it happened over a long period of time, but it absolutely did occur.

Red flags were there in the early days, but by then I'd become ensnared and blinded; it reached its inevitable manifestation when she left me and I became the enemy; AKA a normal person and not an idealized version of a human being.

This new woman I am finding myself leery of. Maybe I am being paranoid, but: from the very first date she was all over me--not just physically, but sending texts extolling how incredible I am, calling me "sweetheart," "baby," etc. We had a few more dates and it continued. I am not downgrading myself, but I did not "do" anything to merit such immediate adulation. I like her very much, but am experiencing anxiety that she will devalue me soon. In fact, we have a date tonight, and she has been evasive when I've texted to ask to confirm plans. I sense she may be cooling on me--again, for no apparent reason except for the fact that I am just a man, not a superman who seems/seemed to fit her unconscious version of an Ideal Man.

We have had sex and it was great. Probably a mistake, as I tend to attach. But I want to slow it down. I want to ask her, "By any chance are you NPD? Should I be worried?" :-)

And I did sort of broach what I wanted to ask her the other night as we were "getting close." I looked into her eyes and asked, "Are you for real?" That is, I wanted her to read between the lines and understand that I was asking her: "Are the feelings you are expressing real, or contrived? Are you going to hurt me?"

She said earnestly, "Yes," but again, I am just not trusting and sense that she thought I was just being offhand and facetious.

Any advice? Slow it way down? Play it cool? Or trust my instincts and run before I get hurt?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It did not help that he mirrors people. In essence I was married to an illusion of myself!

That is exactly what they do!

In the beginning they listen so intently. It's as if they are hanging on every word we say. And they are! They are memorizing everything about us so they can copy us, our likes, our dislikes, our hobbies, etc. We're so swept away in the lah-la land of love, that we don't even notice.

In the beginning it does feel like the perfect love. And when it begins to fall apart, this is why we are so desperate to get it back and are so willing to work so hard to get it back. We make the mistake of thinking, "If it could just be like it was in the beginning..."

But it can't because the guy we met in the beginning is the illusion. The mean, abusive, violent, manipulative jerk is the REAL guy. In our confusion, we believe (sometimes for years) that the illusion is the real guy and the mean guy is just this temporary problem that we have somehow caused. And we keep trying (and failing) to reclaim the illusion.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In essence I was married to an illusion of myself! No wonder we had such a wonderful marriage!

&
I have had a fantastic marriage for 17 years with MYSELF.

So telling.
I laughed when you guys said this because it's so great to realize it and get free.
Fits right in with 'there's no there there' - they have to fill their emptiness with something, and too often, unfortunately, someone.

They don personae with the same cold, calculated disregard they devalue and abuse the person they stole it from. They're masters of the practice.
To them, are we not just a cheap damn suit?
Are they not in actuality vampires?
Mirrors...mirrors all over the house, *aha!* I get it!
Being *not there*, she was always looking for herself!

Any words they say comes out of the mouth of some manufactured mannequin...just nothing. White noise. Mean and meaningless word salad.

& this:

WH sat the kids down to tell them that he was moving out and was

What? He was what? Say it together kids!
........"SAD"........

You got this Tribe.

Then 14 and 16 were joking that his conversation with them would read "#cheated; #movingout; #notsorry; #cheata4life"



Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad
I want to ask her, "By any chance are you NPD? Should I be worried?"

No, don't ask her this question. Even if she is NPD, she will lie. And if she is not, she will be highly insulted.

Based on what little I know about your situation, I would say to S L O W way down. It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near ready for a new relationship.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@j


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I've come here before, and lurk a lot and want to thank everyone for sharing their stories and for offering a helping hand when I have come here.

But it can't because the guy we met in the beginning is the illusion. The mean, abusive, violent, manipulative jerk is the REAL guy. In our confusion, we believe (sometimes for years) that the illusion is the real guy and the mean guy is just this temporary problem that we have somehow caused. And we keep trying (and failing) to reclaim the illusion.

Thank you sad!!


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