Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to post this before but thought better of it, but since we're on the subject of bjs, I'll say it. NPDx told me once that he didn't like them. 'Normal' ones did nothing for him at all apparently. It was only the face f**king kind that did.

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once not too long ago, when we were messaging (I don't remember what about), I answered with a 'Kk' as in ok...

Who knew THIS was an NPDism? I answered "K" once while we were still married, he went berserk, like it was the highest offense ever. Literally hours of ranting til the king's point was proven. So now, in any correspondence that requires an *okay* from me, I answer "k."

One thing that does bother me lately is that I allowed myself to stoop to levels I can't even begin to describe. The self-denial and self-betrayal is getting to me. I feel it's a healthy process of reclaiming my own worth, but the shame in it is real.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Charliefoxtrot,

Nooooo! I didn't mean rude in that way, I meant rude as in sexual kinda rude. How on earth he got that from those 2 innocent letters I will never know!

When you say stoop to levels, what do you mean if you don't mind me asking? I think I know what you mean but want to make sure as i think I am struggling with the same.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez, Hurt... SAME HERE! And I HATE that, really and truly! It was my least favorite of his "must haves." Partly because he had a sort of fetish for suffocation, whether while kissing, bj's or whatever. It was scary to me, but he didn't care.

He asked me once, "Don't you enjoy smothering someone?" HUH??

[This message edited by SoHurt at 9:04 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez, Hurt... SAME HERE! And I HATE that, really and truly! It was my least favorite of his "must haves." Partly because he had a sort of fetish for suffocation, whether while kissing, bj's or whatever. It was scary to me, but he didn't care.

He asked me once, "Don't you enjoy smothering someone?" HUH??

It's really sick and scary to think that people can like that sort of stuff! I do wonder if NPD's are naturally more deviant when it comes to sex, but am not sure? I was quite shocked when he said that normal bjs don't do anything for him, most men count themselves lucky that they get that at all because I have known of a lot whose partners don't do that for them at all. I guess it must be from all the porn he has watched over the years!

I've said this many times already but will say it again in case anyone missed it whilst we're on the subject.. He wanted to do that until it caused someone to vomit. He told me he had done that with his ex, and it made her vomit and he loved it. Also wanted to pee on me, have me pee in his mouth... and one time I remember early on, he spat on me during sex at the 'end' and then said sorry. That makes me sick to even think about. I was shocked and felt so degraded at that time. He has openly admitted to liking degrading people. He said he wanted to 'train' me, obviously for his own personal pleasure and turn me into some kind of sex doll. But, he balked at the idea of being dominated himself. I wouldn't have done it, but out of curiosity, I mentioned 'pegging' to him. Surprisingly he hadn't heard of it, so I explained. He got quite flippant and it was funny to see his reaction.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I DO think Ns are predisposed to deviant sex as that would kind of go along with the numbers who are also SA or child predators. It makes sense when you consider how they want and need to dominate in every way possible as well as humiliate.

Fascinating questions lately.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the BJ and sexual comments just more proof,
IT's ALL ABOUT THE NPD!
FT became very selfish in bed, especially in the later years.
After our last BJ session, I asked him "What about me ? Don't I get satisfied too ?"

His response was a flat "No. You can do that yourself."

Yep, that was the last one he would get get from me.

He never tried to R and meet what I needed from him to heal. I was no longer under his spell and he didn't try to keep me. Not one thing in 3 mo.
After the BJ night, I knew I wouldn't stay married to him and he didn't care at all about me or the marriage.
Just another of his many cowardly moves.
Like I said many times the best thing he ever did for me is dump me.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IT's ALL ABOUT THE NPD!

Indeed. And the best thing that ever happened to me was the day the judge said, "Divorced."


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess when you have very little to no emotion for anyone but yourself, then you have to fill that void with something, and sex seems like the easiest. And because they are devoid of emotion, 'normal' sex where two people use it to express their feelings and love for each other mean nothing, so onto the dodgy stuff

When my mother became ill, I didn't tell him exactly what it was but he KNEW it was serious, he didn't give two shits really. He kept trying to initiate disgusting conversations with me, trying to get me to take rude pictures of myself and send them to him. I told him that I could not because I did not feel right given what was happening at the time. When I told him that I didn't feel I could have sex with him at that time because basically I was very upset about my mother, he said that's ok, there's other things you can do, meaning him using my mouth instead for a while. Hmmmm thanks a lot!

When I did tell him how serious things were with my mother (still without telling him of the actual diagnosis but I think he knew), I had not eaten for 3 days, not a single crumb. And when I saw him my stomach was making terrible rumbling sounds. He offered me some of his man juice to stop me being hungry.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FT targeted me when we met. He was giving and very attentive. By year 2 of the marriage, most of his loving facade was gone.
He needed a nurse, Mom for his son,maid, and a natural giver. Yep, that was me.

He did everything to discourage me from being myself and never supported anything I loved to do but I was supporting his interests. As I said it gradual over the years.
It's taken 5 yrs to get even most of myself back. After being brainwashed for so many years, it takes time to find yourself again.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never supported anything I wanted to do. He would start , and then renege on his end.

I was never left wanting in the sexual component of our marriage. It was the only area where we were equals.
Well until he took his ministrations elsewhere.

HB never happened, once I stood up for myself he was onto new supply from OW.

It was the best thing ever did for me.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting. I had the same scenario as you did gma. Um, honey, I'm not done..can you "help" me? Seriously, it was painful for me at that moment and I needed "help". A flat no and a quick rollover to sleep. Not another sound. There was more than one occassion that I lowered my self esteem to ask for "help" and he never helped me. Never.

Once he was happy that was all that mattered. How do we take this crap and think we're loved.

I feel so much stronger each day now. I couldn't believe I'd ever breathe normally again this time last year. And, I haven't had sex in three years, nearly? I love sex. I am more than willing to wait for the right sex this time. I know it won't be easy to expose my heart again so I'm being so careful to heal completely first. If it's even possible to heal completely from the darkness of living with NPD. Please tell me the healing keeps on, please tell me that this will all be detached from me and my heart once the strings are finally torn apart in court.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does wiz - healing keeps on.
It's not just a saying.

There can be lingering scars, that affect detachment in certain ways...
Got any physical ones? How do they feel?

Well, they don't really much "feel" do they? Unless you bump them maybe, if the scars are near nerves...(a good analogy for No Contact = No New Hurts)

How do they act?
Well, in certain places, they don't stretch (sorry cg! ) with the surrounding healthy tissue as readily...
That's a good analogy for how you don't 'stretch' to accommodate assclownery, neediness, and making excuses for lack of empathy any more.
That's a good thing too.

Sometimes scars are visible, lets admit they can be disfiguring. Ok, that right there's a sign you survived a war, something to be proud of.
Wear that sucker like the champ you are.

They can also be the outward sign of your inner, secretsauce, highly-tuned radar. Your pew pew pew! Narcissist BeGone Gun.

Now, about the sex.
Let's say the scar is on your face. What you do, is smudge some dirt on it. Go wandering around a hardware store looking lost...

You're gonna have nooooo problems!


Posts: 6022 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The scars are there, no doubt about that concerning me. What I have now that I didn't have before dday is an understanding of NPD and other personality disorders. I can recognize a person that suffers with something much easier now, I'm grateful for my wisdom I have now.

I do carry some PTSD but it isn't rearing it's ugly head much at all. When it does, I know what it is and know what works for me to calm it down.

If a wound starts to open again, I now know what I have to do to heal.
I have found many issues I didn't properly deal with shortly after dday, separation, and during the D process, has come back for me to process and heal.

I know if I'm so blessed, to have a life long love again, he will have scars and I will always have mine. I feel like I'm doing the hard work to be a better partner and not give myself up in a relationship again . Realizing a healthy man doesn't want me to give up who I am.

I really like who I'm finding again after the NPD storm. She's a woman with many flaws but with compassion, self respect, and not afraid to give her love to a special man. Best part is I'm healthy enough to receive his love not just give.
Infidelity and having a NPD killed my marriage but gave me tools to be happy with myself and another relationship.
Three years ago I didn't think I would ever be able to trust or love again, five years after dday, I know I can and deserve to be a happy Gma again. Now I believe it.
It's been a long journey .

[This message edited by gma56 at 11:58 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The healing does continue. The PTSD is there. Triggers still happen, but less often and less severe in my experience. The hyper vigilance is there. The good part is that when I feel a certain way, I can understand it and work through it or talk through it here. I can see unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors and fight to do something more healthy.

Having children with the N, means that the strings weren't completely undone in court. And he has access to a "weak spot" with my babies. But if you have a weak place you shore it up. Counseling for them, open lines of communication with them, contingency plans and code emergency words, stability at home and I try to empower them so they can deal with what they have to.

To answer the question do you ever heal completely? I think the best answer is not exactly. I think the new thought patterns and behaviors will always reflect the fact that I lived in that darkness and escaped. But I don't live there anymore! So I see the sun differently.

Ok, it was back a page, but cloning yourself so you could love yourself is the most NPD thing I have ever heard! You CAN'T make this shit up...

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 1:51 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my copious research on NPD, I remember reading somewhere that they tend to be bad at sex because they are so self-centered and don't care about their partner (also see: incapable of emotional connection.) XWH was the only person I'd slept with prior to D-Day, and I always thought we had good sex, but I was wrong, now that I know better. Yet another benefit of leaving the NPD!

I think one can heal completely after dealing with an NPD, if they're able to cut ties completely and the NPD leaves you the space to actually heal. XWH is the kind of NPD who completely cuts someone out of their life once they're no longer of use to him, which is great for me. Essentially, I don't exist (with the exception of drunken e-mails occasionally asking me to send him naked pictures of myself.)

Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I don't feel I carry lasting scars from dealing with him. I feel lucky to have ultimately escaped and used that time to work on myself and learn about what relationships should look like. I'm in the early stages of a new relationship with someone who is not personality disordered, and, just like my IC predicted, it's like night and day from what I went through with XWH. I guess time will tell if I am fully healed or not, but I am hopeful!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I see the sun differently.

This reminds me of a quote and photo I saved...

Barn's burnt down; now I can see the moon.

I definitely have scars, and lots more healing to do. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how bad it was and how I could be in such denial. It helps tons to be able to come here and see I'm not the only one. Sorry anyone is on this thread, but thank you for sharing and being here.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you say stoop to levels, what do you mean if you don't mind me asking? I think I know what you mean but want to make sure as i think I am struggling with the same.

HURTAGAIN1981~ bear with me because I am still figuring these things out and sorting through some of the mindfuck. I hate how many parts of me I sacrificed along the way. It is the self betrayal I am struggling with now, and I think it has it's own time and place in the grieving process, and maybe I am simply and finally strong enough to handle this part. I struggle with being victimized to a degree and being a participant of my own destruction; why did I get so "brainwashed" and why did I turn my back on some of what I thought were my core values? There are things I absolutely wouldn't budge on (tmi alert) such as anal sex and inviting a third person (woman) into our bed (both of which became obsessions for him, "deal breakers" if you will, if I didn't comply. Hence, Focker out. If I am being forced to choose something that is the lesser of two evils, both options putting me at a high risk which I would never choose for myself, simply to make my husband/lover/protector stay faithful, W.T.F.).

On the flip side, there are many more things I did sacrifice, and I don't know how to reconcile with myself over the denial of myself. I stayed until I had to run for my life when I should have (and could have) left years prior. I accepted behaviors that were completely unacceptable. I wanted so badly to believe I was loved that I betrayed my own love for myself. I think what it boils down to is finding a way to forgive me and move forward with faith in myself that I won't throw me under the bus ever again. I am worth more than I accepted and I don't want to get all laissez faire and forget that.

Also, join me in the group of acknowledging a phenomena of sexual deviancy in NPD. Smothering, choking, pee, he asked for some really whacked out stuff. His biggest turn on was telling me I was worthless during sex. Again, who the fuck does that? For the first 7 years, he turned me down so much I thought I was some kind of freak for wanting to have sex with my husband on a regular basis. Towards the end, I had to have an out of body experience just to get through it.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister sent this to me:

Autobiography of.a certain woman:

Chapter 1: There was a certain woman that walked down a road, she fell in a big black hole. It wasn't her fault. It took her years to get out, but she did.
Chapter 2: There was a certain woman that walked down a road, she fell in a big black hole, this time it was her fault. It took her years to get out, but she did.
Chapter 3: There was a certain woman that walked down a road. She saw a big black hole, this time she walked around it.
Chapter 4: There was a certain woman that went out for a walk. She took a different road.

Here's to a different road


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Barn's burnt down; now I can see the moon.

...was the tagline of a Tribe sister
who helped me get back on my feet after falling in that hole.
I will never forget her for inspiring me to be better, for helping me to just
.
.
find me.

It tells me how alike we all are.
I miss you sister.


Posts: 6022 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.