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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Jj! As usual, you said it way better. (and more beautiful)


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


This. From the strong one on here, lifting me and how many others?
So many So strong. Dam.
You are not wrong.

Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TRIBE)))

The strength that I see here, from those that have walked through and those that are still struggling, it is beautiful.

The honesty of the emotions, it brings peace to me that there are real, feeling people in this world.

It gives me hope that I too will become whole again. Find my missing pieces.

Each day I discover something that I didn't know I had lost, a way in which I have been changed. It is painful to realize these things but at the same time it is my opportunity to reclaim myself, to be who I am.

I am optimistic, I am loving, I laugh, a lot, I like to do for others, I like to talk about feelings, emotions, I like to know what is inside others. Those are things that I had to suppress, to hide. I am starting to remember,starting to be me again.

It is not easy, it causes anxiety, I keep looking over my shoulder, expecting the criticism or maybe even the rage. It is almost out of my life, getting close. No more eggshells.

The brain knows that I can be me, that me is pretty okay. The heart has not quite caught up, it is getting there.

I have been thinking that this feels like a battle to reclaim my freedom of self, one I am still fighting. It took a hard toll but I will appreciate my life in a way I never did before and I will never allow myself to be sacrificed again.

Just early morning rambles. Up since 4am again.

I was going to file papers today. A bit of a postponement but for a good reason. Today I have an appointment with a lawyer! I will not have to fight the rest of this battle alone.

Thank you to the wonderful, kind, heartfelt, loving people I have met here. I hope that as I become stronger, as my present becomes my past, I will be able to help others through this.

This is bigger and badder than I ever allowed myself to believe before. I don't think I could have come this far without all of your help and encouragement.

I want to hug all of you!

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jj!

I am not all that beautiful. I hate her sometimes, too. I hate her a lot sometimes.

Just at that moment, I saw her for what he was using her for. And I couldn't help but feel something.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A bit of a postponement but for a good reason. Today I have an appointment with a lawyer! I will not have to fight the rest of this battle alone.
This ^^^ is great news! I hope you make great headway in getting away from your STBX!

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

littlefoggy, it is a unique ability - to see the hate inside as 'not a beautiful thing'.
An other may use that, fertilize and nurture that,
to propel their steps down some chosen sad road.
An other may be blind to that, where it's an unrecognized thing
pinned to their sad and shriveled souls.

You? No.
Hate is a distasteful thing, a ghost pepper burning.
It is recognized. Acknowledged. Spit out.
Milk and bread are beautiful.
So's littlefoggy.


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am optimistic, I am loving, I laugh, a lot, I like to do for others, I like to talk about feelings, emotions, I like to know what is inside others.

This is worth remembering and worth repeating!!

and this


I hope that as I become stronger, as my present becomes my past, I will be able to help others through this.

I have no doubt.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
shakeitoff
♀ New Member
Member # 42224
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been stalking this page for sometime now and stumbled across this thread. I feel like I could have written these posts myself. I am so grateful to read there are others trapped in the shame of being married to someone like this. I feel like I live in an episode of jerry springer. I could fill several pages with stories of our "love". He has told me he cannot control himself with other women because its like dangling meat in front of a tiger. Its essentially their fault he violates the vows he made to me. I have been no perfect angel. I was very young and made my mistakes. But he has turned torturing me into a 100 year war. The worst part is he seems to not even want to be here, to be with me but he fights so hard and mindfucks so adeptly to get me to stay. Please pray that I find the strength to follow through on leaving this time. I know I am just a random internet stranger but I have failed so many times for so many years at this that I need as many prayers as I can get to keep me strong. And friends are not allowed in my life. He makes sure of it. Thank you


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back..

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2014
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Shakeitoff)))))). Welcome Friend.

Saying prayers for your safe departure from hell.

Is there any way to contact your local domestic violence shelter? If they can't help you leave , they may be able to give you advice on ways to safely leave.

Sending more hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 11:31 PM, January 27th (Monday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4024 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi shakeitoff,

I am fairly new to this thread also, only because everytime I read here I thought I was overreacting.

It takes time to really believe that this crap is all true.

Jerry Springer, I have thought that so many times lately, I could be on that show, but wait, I should only be in the audience because I didn't even know the story!

Keep reading here, it is amazing. It helps.

Listen to the amazingly kind, intelligent people here. They have been where we are and know the way out.

I went to the domestic violence center in my town. At first I was embarrassed, I wasn't beaten, well, It was only that one time. This is how we come to think, do you see how twisted my thinking was? ONLY, as if once does not count.

This is my second attempt to leave. It seems that sometimes it takes more than on go at it to make it stick. Only because of us though, because of what we think and feel. Just knowing that this is common made me feel better.

The best advice, I think, is get some help from people who really understand. Kajem said the domestic violence center, that is probably your first best step.

One thing I have learned is to be careful who you talk to. I think of them now as "civilians", the people who have never been through this. They do not understand, they can't. I have just found that if I expose too much of my reality to them they react in a way that seems to undermine me. It is not intentional in any way, they just don't have the experience to understand.

Please get help. Do not suffer for one more day than necessary.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Glad* you found us shakeitoff, welcome here.

This:

And friends are not allowed in my life. He makes sure of it.

is the tried and true tactic of an abuser. They isolate their victims.

Take Kajem's & CAN's insight to heart & hie thee to help with domestic violence. All abuse, at its core, is emotional.
We're here for you, & we got your back.


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Just an update. I met with lawyer, he had very clear and good advice. He is available to me on an as needed basis to help me save money but if things turn nasty he will represent me.

He filled out paperwork, told me what courthouse to go to, as I had choices. He knows the judges and directed me to what he termed "the intelligent ones".

He really was great. He got the difficulty of the extraction. He actually praised me for making this move, for seeing the truth and being brave.

I was prepared to have him give me the sideways looks. The omg, she is a looney tune.

More good people in the world. :)

Papers are filed and in the hands of the sheriff. He should be served on Thursday.

The ball is rolling forward. Scared? Hell Yes!

I will get through this, I will continue to be vigilant.

I also got a call from a really good friend, a life long friend. He needs a place to stay, is looking for a short term rental.

He is moving in here. It is perfect as he is like my brother, we have been friends since we were 10! He will help with paying board and help to make me feel a bit more secure when my son is not home.

Plus, one more dog! Four dogs! I love the happy chaos, the loving chaos!

Also, he plays guitar, beautifully. I play flute. We have always played music together. I cannot wait, I have been aching to play some music. Before I met wh, we used to play 4 or 5 times a week. We even started doing open mics, I sang, played flute, it was a blast. We even got hired one time.

Once when we played at this little beachside bar the house band joined us, drums, bass, that was amazing, so much fun.

Look at me, I am not just fighting pain, I am feeling life, joy, anticipation, that is a beautiful thing.

Tonight I am going to ride the wave of happy.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

Sounds like some great steps!

I hate to be a debbie downer...
You have a male moving in with you?
That could be risky. Your STBX could make it look like you are the one cheating.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,
I hear the music of Jethro Tull playing from your place soon!

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:12 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning,

littlefoggy,

I was a little apprehensive at first also, worried about what wh would think.

I decided, I don't care what he thinks. Honestly, he knows me and he knows my friend. If he were being normal he would think this was a great idea. If he is his other self, he will think the worst.

I don't think there is anything he can do to cause me problems about this. My son is here almost all the time. Wh has already moved out. Papers are filed, there will not be much to fight about. After the visit to the lawyer yesterday, he made it sound pretty simple. It is all pretty black and white. I also have all the crazy texts and emails from wh, plus the confession. Plus, if he really wanted to push, our MC and the physical abuse. I have kept much of this to myself. He does not want his family to know, it hurts his image. What could he possibly do? Divorce me? NOt pay alimony? There is nothing left.

My life is mine now, I will not let him prevent me from living any longer.

Thanks for your concern, that was my first gut reaction also. Now, "f" him.

sadtoo,

Yes! Jethro Tull, Van Morrison, Moody Blues. If there is no flute part, I make it up. Music, I remember playing music. I have played music for my whole life, I can't wait to get that back.

Who knows, maybe I will be playing in public again. That was such a big thing for me, so outside my comfort zone, but I loved it! Once I saw the positive response, people enjoying it, it was so much fun.

I need some fun back. It's been a very long time.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can,

I am not so much saying what he thinks. It is what he may say in court.

I don't know if you are in a fault state.

Even if you are not going for a fault divorce, if he catches wind of this, he may. And if you are going for a fault D, your "bad behavior" will cancel out his.

I would just be cautious. He will use whatever he can against you.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can lives in a no-fault state. Personally, I think it's a good idea having another male presence in the house. Legally (I'm not a lawyer, so ask yours to be sure) but I think once you have filed, you're good. And the key here is YOU filed, so that sort of puts you in the driver's seat.

Also, I am sure it takes more to prove infidelity than a roommate. thank goodness!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good news then!

Carry on!


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 361 | Registered: Nov 2013
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

littlefoggy,

Thank you for your concern, really, it is so very sweet. It is a heartfelt thing. I appreciate it. I is caring and caring for others is always good.

Except in the case of stbxwh, yes!!! Freedom is almost mine. Not to say that it doesn't hurt, it does. I just keep reminding myself I don't miss him, the parts that I miss were only an illusion, I miss an idea, not a real person.

Every thing that I do to reclaim myself, helps to heal my heart. Every person that I let into my life that is real, has a heart, will help me to live a happy life again.

Every time I do not allow fear to dictate my decisions is a victory. I have nothing left to fear. I have lived through the worst, lived through it trusting blindly. Now, I am not blind, so I trust but only those that have proven themselves to me. I will not fear as long as I know that I am being kind, honest and still protecting myself from monsters.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1095 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
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