BTW, Stretch called himself a SA at the front end of the finding out process. Even claimed to go to meetings. It didn't last or hold up. The focus shifted from him and treatment to me and destroying the person who no longer supported his fantasy.
Wow. I should have come here a long time ago.
I have so much to write, my head is spinning. But I'll just say that STBX was diagnosed as a SA in 2004. He was ashamed. However, he was never able to express any appropriate remorse or empathy towards me, his pregnant wife. It was the first time in our marriage that I knew something was terribly wrong. More wrong than the cheating and the supposed SA.
He went to SA treatment for years, on and off. Then things started progressing much more quickly - spiraling out of control. The last straw was the death of his NPD (perhaps bi-polar) domineering mother - he was estranged from her at the time.
The day I opened his secret email account and read its contents, was the day that I became his enemy. I asked him to leave our home immediately. He had a SA OW lined up; he moved into her home. He never asked for one overnight with our children for 18 months.
And now he's asking for joint custody, denying he was EVER a SA, and making up terrible and hideous lies about me - under oath.
Care, your sentence above nailed my situation.
Compartmented, my STBX has said during deposition that there is NOTHING risky about putting an ad on CraigsList at 3pm to be "raped" at 5pm by strangers in our very large city. He also has said there is nothing wrong with doing this while one is married and has two young children. No remorse. Couldn't care less. The rest of us are idiots for worrying.
Abbondad, I've followed your story. My STBX had a very impressive job - fed his NPD. I want to tell you to be careful because my STBX's crazy schemes have taken him so far away from his area of expertise that he's fallen way behind his peers now. And the NPD has made him fight with all his clients and lose most of them. Careerwise, he was a super star; now he's a train wreck.
I'm sorry I am writing so much here. I am truly amazed that I'm really just putting all of this together now. I alway knew he was NPD, but I don't think I understood all the patterns or how bad it would get. SA has nothing to do with it. It was just a symptom of bigger psychological problems. SA distracted me for a long time. Damn it.
I am new here. I am starting to realize how messed up everything is.
I had absolutely no clue about STBX until he turned on me. As soon as I discovered his A, it was like a light went on and his true form come out.
I was so confused. He used to be... different. No way this is the same person I married.
It wasn't until I started reading about other's experiences that I started putting the pieces together. I started taking the advice and it worked.
With space and perspective, I can look back and see the signs. I have been living on a knife's edge for years.
I am really hesitant to make assumptions and diagnoses... but nothing else explains this level of cray cray.
...And the caulk in the basement just sealed the deal.
I have a DD who is almost 2. STBX and I have been married for 4 years.
STBX had an EA (probable PA) with a 17yo and then moved in with her. DDay was November. About a month of limbo before I caught him still talking to Lolita. So, I gave him the boot and started the D.
As soon as I discovered his A, it was like a light went on and his true form come out. I was so confused. He used to be... different. No way this is the same person I married.
This is what happened to me, exactly.
With space and perspective, I can look back and see the signs. I have been living on a knife's edge for years.
Me too. When I asked him to leave, I was devastated and terrified and in shock from the things I saw in his secret emails. But I also realized that I felt safe in my bed for the first time in years.
nothing else explains this level of cray cray.
STBX had an EA (probable PA) with a 17yo and then moved in with her.
And yes, the sexual deviancy. Either compulsive cheating, or something else outside acceptable norms.
I need to keep reading all the back pages here. My heart starts pounding every post I read.
Hugs and Welcome.
And read. There is a lot of healing in the older threads. I can still lose a few hours reading. It is scary and empowering and DAMN funny at times. I am perhaps biased, but I think the tribe, and those who survive breaking away from an NPD are stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than any group of people EVER.
A word of caution, though. When the light bulb moment goes off, and you start searching the web for more information, be careful. What better source of supply for an N than newly injured and reeling partners of one? There are predators on the other side of the screen. Just... be careful.
She's right, my first date post marriage separation was another narc. Not vindictive like XH, but definately manipulative. It lasted a year on and off. Before I caught him cheating and ended it.
He wasn't my first experience with NPD, nor my last. But they are getting shut down quicker. Live and learn!
There are predators on the other side of the screen.
I was googling and came across an article that said "If they show up an hour late for custody exchange, let them!" and "Don't fight, learn what battles to pick"
So... "Give them whatever they want and let them walk all over you"....
If I pitch a fit, he grins and has a moment of glee for yanking my chain. If I leave, and deny him his custody time, he text bombs me forever, name calling, threatening, maybe even takes me to court. Are YOU going to go to court because he is LATE for custody exchange? Imagine that for a minute.....
OK, so. He is going to be late (if that is your NPD's thing. It is for sure a Stretch thing. Always was and always will be.) What now?
I can only control me. Not him. Never him. I can control me and how I feel about what he does and how I react to what he does. My solution? I have pickups at my residence. He's late, we have a snack or watch some tv. Whatever. If him being late is going to mess me up? I have the pick up be at a neighbor or friend's house. I shoot him a warning email. Have a 6:45 obligation. If you aren't here by 6, kids will be at Suzy's house. You can get them from there.
I had the drop off on Sunday early enough that "late" doesn't really hurt too much.
If you let on that your chain is yanked by their game playing, you are a fun game to play. See?
So I don't think the advice was wrong. Maybe it wasn't delivered well.
If an NPD is spoiling for a fight, then giving them a fight is the wrong move.
I do believe in pick your battles. And once you pick one? Don't fight. WIN. Document, and go to court. Don't argue, reason, rationalize, suggest, threaten.
My warning was more about forums where you "share" and get support and advice from experts. And dating. The N's can be sparkly...
Just be prepared that they will use it against you the first chance they get!
And I do agree with pick your battles. Anything I battle XH on, the kids are the ones who deal with the repercussions. It's been years, but I'm pretty good at figuring how low he'll go using the kids to manipulate me, his sister, his parents, his kids to get what he wants. Bring open and honest with my kids has helped us to keep his antics from destroying our relationship.
It comes with the price of transparency. A price XH is not willing to pay.
Play the scenario all the way thru in your head. Use worst case scenarios, best case scenarios, and middle of the road scenarios. Then ask yourself "in his present frame of mind what is most likely to do?" And go a step or 3 lower. We tend to give them the benefit of doubt that they don't deserve.
For instance: XH was late to drop off, I waited an hour - called him and told him I was leaving. He had not left his house( we met half way-an hour drive for each of us.) he expected me to wait 2hours for him-not going to happen. I had dinner in the oven and I needed to get home before it burned. I left. He burned up my battery texting calling,etc.
A month later he was still mad. He went to the elementary school for a kids presentation early in the morning. That afternoon My 2youngest kids were not on the bus. I figured the younger one forgot something and older kid walked her back to class and missed the bus. I head to school, my kids are not on campus. Principal sits me down and TELLS me that since kids went missing from his campus- he HAS to call the police! He called, I was questioned and escorted be a deputy home. The whole time I am dialing XH, leaving messages on his voicemail. I've gotten his work involved. Sheriff issued an amber alert. 3hours later he shows up in my drive wanting to know what all the fuss was about-he told the sheriff that I was making it up, he has a right to his kids whenever he wants them, he told the cops I AGREED that he could have them for ice cream! Cop asked him why didn't he sign the kids out at he office-like he had for the last 7 years our kids attended he school?
Do you see where his is going? It was all about how I made him deliver the kids to my house-so I needed to be punished! That was the first Inkling I had into how far he would go. And it sucks.
[This message edited by Kajem at 8:43 PM, January 17th (Friday)]
The sense I am getting is that you have to be firm, cold, and concise when dealing with an NPD.
I like pick your battle and WIN. It is good advice for me to remember.
STBX is not allowed at the house anymore. He gets aggressive and I will only meet in a public place.
I hope that things settle down when temporary orders are in effect. But for now, I am on high alert with this one.
Kajem. I actually just had a similar experience with STBX.
Only with daycare. He wasn't able to get DD, but he put the school into lockdown because of his antics.
[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:00 PM, January 17th (Friday)]
Tonight he has the kids. I informed him that I have plans with the kids tomorrow night, a campout in the living room. What do you know, he went and bought an air mattress and tent today, campout in his living room, DOUCHE! He then told me that my daughter wants me to come over with them. This is the FIRST time I have not taken the bait, I said no. She then calls me and asks. I told her that mommy can't because I am cleaning and getting stuff ready for our super fun day tomorrow. STBX is in the background "come on mommy, come make s'mores" I told her I'd love to but I can't. So for the next two hours he was calling and texting me off the hook, saying se I hysterical and saying I don't like her, yet he won't put her on the phone. He tells me she doesn't want to talk and I need to just put he and I aside and go over and comfort her. I said no, soooo I am: a fucking joke, a bad mom, worthless, a piece of shit, c***, etc.... apparently its fucking pathetic that I can't come help him and comfort our daughter. This is only a glimpse at all the tactics he was throwing at me tonight. The real issue is that it's Friday night and he probably thinks I am going out, when in reality I am doing ten loads of laundry and cleaning.
In one sense I am proud of myself for actually not taking the bait and putting my foot down, on the other hand I feel absolutely horrible for not rushing over to comfort her. But this is what he does, he makes suggestions for her to call and ask me things and when she calls and I say I can't, with an excuse, he grabs the phone so she can't hear me, and he tells her, "Mommy doesn't want to come be with us," or "Mommy is too busy for us." He is the lowest scum on the fucking planet.
The common theme here seems to be that they are willing to hurt the children to hurt us - be late for visits, take them out of school unannounced, and tell them that their mothers don't care about them.
In the past several weeks, Genius has gotten worse in this regard. In the first episode he drove my daughter in a car without a booster seat to punish me. It was so dangerous - and against the law! The second time, he fed my son a heavy chicken parmesan dinner after I begged him via text to stick with the BRAT diet as prescribed by our pediatrician. Our son had influenza A and was throwing up the entire previous day!!!
I read back to some posts here about going silent on them and not revealing anything, including the way you're thinking. I wish I had read that two years ago. He can always predict my rather predictable moves in this divorce. But I can never predict what he will do next. Nothing is too low for him. My attorney described him as a "terrorist throwing bombs." Someone else said I was following traditional war moves, whereas he is going from bunker to bunker throwing "shit" and it didn't matter if it worked or not. If it didn't, he just moves on to the bunker and his next attempt at shock and awe. It's exhausting and keeps me shaky and terrified and strung out.
Ddivorcing a NPD is like living in a terrible, horrific chaotic circus nightmare or something.
FT is no longer in my life and I have cut ties with DSS35 because his NPD is getting worse and more apparent each year. I can't have him close to me because I know he is also toxic.
Advice and reminder to all that has to deal with a NPD.
The less contact is always the best. If you have to have contact keep it limited and very business like conversations. I learned the hard way too many times myself.
I want to take a very informal poll :
What type of TV shows or movies did your NPD prefer if the choice was their's ?
I am still or again maybe seeing the reality. I think I accept it and then I am floored by the reality.
He sent me emails yesterday. I don't know if they were real and if they were why he sent them.
"I never cared about your pain, only my own feelings."
"If you think you are the first woman I have done this to, you are not"
"I am a certified monster"
"I am probably the most unbalanced person you will ever meet"
There was more, I can't even remember it all. It seemed he was being truthful but I am not even sure if he believes what he says. I know it is true.
I am reeling again from the truth. The last 14 years have all been a lie. Everything he said was a lie. My life with him was a lie. Everything I believed was a lie.
I feel like I have been conned, raped, beaten, used. Like a vampire that sucks your blood and does not care that it kills you. No feelings, no thought for the pain inflicted on others.
It was not just me, he cares for no one.
I feel physically ill. I feel like I am in a black hole and I cannot see any way out.
How can you ever trust? He was always this way, how could I not see it? How can I know if others are this way?
There is true evil. It is real. I think I try to understand based on how I think and feel, that is impossible.
I think I have been minimizing again, doubting myself, feeling like I am seeing things that aren't there. It is real, he is a monster, he will take what he needs, lie, manipulate, deceive to get what he wants with no thought to the damage to others. That is a monster. It is real.
"I have lied cheated and manipulated you since I met you"
That was another one. Why say this? does he really know this? Can he recognize this and still continue to behave this way?
I am terrified that I lived with this man, married him, loved him. I only loved what he chose to show me, until the façade wore away. There is evil in people and they can hide it, not forever but for long enough to crush you, use you, twist you.
this is real.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
STBX's faves were Modern Marvels and anything about building things.
Movies. We didn't go see movies. He likes Red Dawn. Dark City. Honestly, I don't know. He complained about every single movie I suggested.
I don't even know if that makes me feel worse or better. It just seems insane.
Is it possible for him to see, to know the reality of who he is?
I need not contact. No contact. If I were to tell anyone in real life about this, about how I feel, how I have lived, they would think me crazy.
I actually did that last week. A man was "interested", persistent, I told him about the last year of my life. He ran. I wish I could run from this.
It is just so hard to really see that everything I believed was not real, an act, a deception. I was living a lie and I didn't even know it. I was being real, I was being honest, I was feeling, he was manipulating me. I was just a thing to him. I was not a person, I held no meaning to him, it was all a lie. I feel replaceable, disposable because to him I am.
This is hard to stomach. It is hard to know, to really know that evil does exist like this. To know that it doesn't announce itself. To know that it really exists. To know that I spent my life, my emotions, my heart on a lie.
NPD TV and Movies here:
Action trillers, military thrillers, military movies, legal thrillers, Seinfeld, Homeland, Band of Brothers, Sopranos, anything to do with politics like Anonymous Sources.
Books: nonfiction only except for some political or action thrillers, anything he can get about Iraq or the military. Nonfiction and political and military books. Bios of famous political and military figures. Anything by Woodward.
The Art of War is another favorite.
Now he's writing a S&M "screenplay" for Hollywood apparently and used marital funds to take several trips to CA.