Having just been woken at 5.30am and the shit hit the fan immediately, I need help.
I have a feeling that my WH is somewhat NPD, I've read through the list of 100 behaviours, and he fits many of them (and I can think of examples to back it up), but then I can't say that saying his is definitely NPD would be totally fair.
He can be a lot of fun, generous, understanding in times of trouble (car accidents etc... ) but is capable of huge rage, seemingly out of nowhere, and totally OTT for the situation.
After these outbusts, where he once would have apologized, now, I've apparently over-reacted??
He's also taken to occasionally telling me he hasn't said things, when he has, just minutes before, and vice versa. Example, he took exception to something I said yesterday about our dd, (he's her fav, and what I said wasn't that bad really) and he said "you're a real bitch for saying that", when I called him on it after I got my breath back, he said he never said that. Come on buddy, I was sitting next to you in the car,I know what you said....
He acts up when other are around, no problem with subtly putting me down... etc, you all know the drill.
This morning, he woke really early, 5.30, complaining of a sore knee, and would I get him some pain relief? Because I didn't jump out of bed that second (I was half asleep myself) he went off totally, stormed downstairs, made a huge scene etc... so I made him tea and toast so he had something in his stomach for the tablets, took it plus the paper up, he said was I coming back to bed? I said no, I was staying downstairs (I was trying real hard not to cry) and now apparently I'm at fault for that too.... it's crazy making.
Now it's 7am, and this is the start to my day... yet another day just like all the others... he's only been home 48 hours from work overseas.... and another day do get through... Have I done anything you can see wrong?
I just don't know how to deal with him. Help tribe, what do I do next?
Dealing with an NPD is like trying to manage a 3yo on the verge of a temper tantrum. No matter what you do, it won't be right.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I think this is the differential diagnosis btwn BPD and NPD.
It's what sucked us in.
hard_yards, I'm working on a metaphor - but just suck yourself out. Do it stealth is my recommend.
Think of it as dealing with yourself - finally thank God! - instead of dealing with him.
Then I think and add please. Do it for yourself.
Please make your destination anywhere - just without him. You'll see how peaceful it is.
Just. Fuck the fukker.
Hey, you'll LOVE this song!
I wanted to give you an update.
Tonight, he told me that he's been thinking for the last couple of days and that now he wants to go to therapy.
I think he was testing my reaction this morning when he asked me if I wanted to practice telling the kids tonight. I said yes. Previously, we have practiced and I usually break down crying and can't finish.
So we talked tonight. Two nights ago, he said that he wanted to go to MC. I said no, not until you do IC. He refused. I asked if we were getting D'd and he said yes. I said I would call my L in the morning. Now he is saying he will do IC, I said no, you must do group therapy (for SA). He said no. I said ok. As I was leaving, he said he would consider group therapy if it would make a difference (always gauging what my reaction will be). I said I had no comment. He knocked on my bedroom door later, but I was taking a bath and didn't answer.
Assessment? What do you call this?
Our court date is in January and I don't know if we can get it moved earlier anyway, so I can still proceed with the D and see if group therapy does anything for him over the next two months.
YOU know your NPD better than we do, figure out a worst case scenario -you know the scenario that pops into your head that you tell yourself " he would never do that?" And dismiss it!
DONT DISMISS IT!!!! Please TRUST yourself if you didn't think his behavior could go there, why did that idea pop into your head? You know on a deeper level exactly what he is capable of - work on trusting yourself (and what your gut) is telling you. It will help you to prepare for what they'll throw at you.
TRUST YOUR GUT!!! You've got this.
Part of how I learned to trust my gut is I had to find it first.
How I did that, was going inside myself, and imagining if I were the cheater - what would I do?
Keeping myself firmly in mind, I then would listen to, or "taste" the outside noise I was hearing.
Is it consistent with what I know to be right?
A glance at the truly remorseful in the WS forums shows us this - they will do any. thing. to make it right.
In listening to the outside noise yours is making - I hear a lot of bargaining with the outcome - not good. Not consistent with my inner-picture of true remorse.
His bargaining, accompanied by a bit of hoovering actually reminds me of someone going back-and-forth at a flea market to get a better deal, but in the context of such shattering betrayal it's manipulative, childish, & just...stupid, I guess is what the noise sounds like.
It sounds like "just noise" to slow you down, get you second-guessing, and in short - wasting your time.
Seen from the inside, it's the very opposite of what we would do.
Listen from the inside, silently.
Things become clearer, friend.
We were together almost 2 years. And I found solid proof that he was cheating a week ago. I He has his own house but lived with me. His electric was shut off due to him never paying his bills. He is extremely impulsive. If he wants a $300 dinner we get one even if that means his truck will get repossesed. He has shown NO REMORSE for cheating and has denied what I KNOW FOR SURE he did. This is a pattern. I threw him out. I am trying to keep it that way.
I find myself doubting my thoughts, feelings and my perspective. I need strength to believe in my experience. I need to continue to hear that he is toxic. I need to hear that he is being cruel. I need to hear that something is very wrong with him. I guess I need to hear it multiple times for me to believe it cause I flip from believing it to not. For some reason, I "forget" or think I can fix him or help him or that I am being unreasonable. I often feel that I am overreacting. I don't trust my own judgement or feelings right now so I need to rely on you for my voice of reason right now. I need your strength.
Basically he is texting me like nothing happened. And last night he was texting me asking me to CUM over to his house and was texting me very vulgar sexual things.... I asked how he could cheat and know how much I am hurting and not acknowledge it and he just said do you want to get fucked? And went on to send me very very detailed things of what he wanted to do to me and that I would never leave him because he is so good in bed.... he treated me like I am nothing but a whore to him and it hurt like hell.
Even with everything that happened last night, I feel like I overreacted and that is just the way he is and doesn't know how to express himself and he must be hurting and I am trying to find excuses for his behavior. I know this is crazy. Maybe I am?
I keep wanting to believe that he is someone who he clearly isn't. I remember the love and kindness part of him and I am then blinded to the cruel side of him. Although he isn't cruel. he has never put me down or said hurtful things to me - he just detaches. I guess even though he has never put me down or said anything bad to me - it is cruel when he talks about wanting a whore or when he talks about how hot the bartenders ass is or the girl in front of us in line at the grocery store. He would go on and on about her hot ass. It became so regular that I didn't even flinch. i would just roll my eyes and tell him to shut up and he would laugh. I guess that is cruel but that was just how he was so it became a non issue. I always thought he would say it to get me going - I don't know? It got old but after a while, it didn't bother me.
I do at times feel like I will be okay and that I can stay away from him but then it dissolves when I get a text from him asking me to bring a heating pad to him or some other stupid text message that totally disregards that he has hurt me. it is like we aren't even living the same life when he does this. I caught him cheating and he is acting like nothing happened. It is such a mind fuck?
I don't know why I am surprised. He has done this to me every time. He has never once acknowledged me or my feelings when he hurts me.
I do think he has something mentally wrong. I have always kind of thought that but for some reason, I overlooked it.
Someone asked about his anger. He has NEVER raised his voice to me EVER. He has NEVER shown anger to me EVER. I know this is abnormal. I could be screaming and yelling and he is completely calm and detached. Just says calmly with no emotion - I did not lie to you. I did not cheat on you and then he simply walks away and then texts me as nothing has happened. If I don't let it go then he will disappear until I am willing to forget it. I could be crying my eyes out and he once again, NO EMOTION. Just says that he has never hurt me and never would. It makes me feel crazy. I have literally caught him in the act and there is NO disputing that he has lied and he can SWEAR to me that it isn't true. And then I even begin to doubt what I know is truth. If I continue to cry or act mad at him, he simply leaves. He will NOT tolerate me acting in any way but happy and loving towards him. but never with anger. he will just walk away and text me like nothing has occurred.
I did treat him like he was GOD but he never made me do it and was SO APPRECIATIVE of everything I did. It never went unnoticed. He would thank me over and over for how good I was to him. I cooked a homemade meal every night for him after working 10 hours at my own job and took it to him at work every night at 9pm. I then waited up for him so we could spend time together when he got home from work at midnight and I had to get up at 6am. I washed his clothes. I waited on him hand and foot. I did anything he wanted to do sexually and socially - ANYTHING. If he wanted to stay home, we would. If he wanted to party till 3am and I had to work, I would do that to. Whatever he wanted he got. I never saw my friends and did ANYTHING without him. He never told me I couldn't. He would encourage me to go out but I never did. But he would say over and over how he was cheated on before and would die if I ever cheated and that he needed a good girl. I guess I wanted to be a "good girl" for him so I never gave him reason to worry if I was cheating so I rarely left the house when he wasn't home. Unless I was grocery shopping or doing laundry. But if I did, he would say great baby, have fun. He would text me and ask if I was having fun. Or what we all did but he never made me feel like he didn't approve. So once again, he didn't make me stay home but I did. We spent all of our time together. We very RARELY spent any time apart other than when we both worked. If he was with his friends, he would want me with him. We did EVERYTHING together. He would even want me to go hunting with him. So I was lavished with his intense attention for weeks or months and then that day would always come. It would all just stop. No text messages. No calls and he would disappear for a day/night. And then we would resume as nothing happened. And I always knew it was coming. He usually texts me every hour all day saying he was thinking about me. Or that he couldn't wait to get home and cuddle with me. Or that he just wanted to be with me. And then it would just stop. No word from him other than I have to work late. I will see you later. that was so HARD to deal with. And I DREADED when I saw the signs that he was disappearing. It hurt me so much and I used to break up with him over it when we first started dating but now I would just accept it. But early in the relationship he would just not show up and not call for 4 days and for the past year he has at least said I have to work late and prepped me for his disappearing act. I thought this was a big improvement and that at least he warned me when he would disappear.
Back to the anger. While I have never seen him angry at me. He has been arrested many times for fighting. I have seen him pick fights with other men at the bar when he is drunk. He will buy the whole bar drinks all night and loves everyone to fawn over him. but then if someone he was buying drinks for plays music that he doesn't like - he will tell them they cannot play that kind of music cause it sucks and if they don't listen to him, he will literally start degrading them and get up in their face and LAUGH and threaten them. I usually can get him out of the bar before a fight breaks out but I know he has been in some really bad fights where he has seriously injured people. He will rant and rave for hours when we get home about how he wants to kill this guy. And then he will move on to how much he loves and adores me. He will say that even though he may not say he loves me often (he has NEVER said he loves me when he isnt drinking) that he does and that I am the person he has waited for forever. He says if I hurt him that he would GO CRAZY - not sure what he would do. He will often pull me to the floor like he is playing and say do you know how much I love you and hold me down and bite me or twist my arm. He will ask me over and over do you love me? And he will bite me and get rough in a sexual playful way. I would often wake up covered in bruises after we had sex when he was drinking. He would bite me all over my body, twist my arm, pull my hair and I would have finger bruises all over my thighs and my arms. I once woke up a few weeks ago with 33 bruises. Thankfully it is colder and I could wear clothes to cover my legs, neck and arms to hide it at work. He would always squeeze my inner thigh when we were out and I had a permanent bruise there for almost 2 months because he did it so often. It was HUGE and yellow and really pretty bad. But that is how he showed me when we were out with people that he wanted me. It was like he had to pinch me or bite me or something to show how much he loved me. He would give me that look like I love you more than anything at the grocery store or the bar or home and would grab my ass so hard it would leave a bruise and kiss me. I honestly never saw that as a problem as he wasn't doing this in anger. It was always playful. And he would be saying how much he loved me when he did it. And it was just how we were so I never thought to much about it until lately. I am not sure if this is normal? Maybe I am overreacting as each couple have different ways of showing love.
Well I didn't mean to go on and on but it just started pouring out of me. I am so confused by his behavior. His need and want to be with me 24/7 and then disappearing/cheating/lying and then back like he never left. He won't acknowledge he has hurt me. It is like we are living in different worlds. It is strange. I am so hurt and confused. Is this abusive behavior? Are these signs of NPD? Is he a sex addict? I need to understand so I can let go of this pit of hurt and anger. I feel stupid and weak but I want this to end so I guess I have to swallow my pride and reach out for help.
Honey, something is really wrong with this man. I am not a psychologist but know this behavior is not healthy adult behavior.
It sounds scary to me. Keep asking questions, keep your guard up, and keep posting. Wiser folks will be along soon.
My XH does not acknowledge any pain he has caused. He just waits out the hurt persons anger and everything goes back to the way things were. No apology needed. In my XH's eyes apology =weak therefore he will not apologize.
My DD has commented that she feels like a doll he puts on the shelf when not with him. I'll ask if you feel that way with your WS? My other DDs, and other members of his family have also said he doesn't contact them unless he wants something from them. They feel used and abused by him.
In my opinion, if you were constantly bruised by him, and he continued to bruise you-he was marking you as his property.
Either way his behavior is not one you would find in an emotionally healthy adult. Step away from the situation, the more you are not in his orbit you will see things about him clearer.
I have an appt, but will be back. I'm no expert, just dealt with an NPD for a while.
Hugs, and welcome we call ourselves The Tribe.
As I'm sure you all know and can relate, this whole thing demolished me. My friends and family know how I cried and could barely function. It still gets to me sometimes now, three years later.
To exWH though, I could give a shit. He moved out before I confirmed the existence of the slunt. When I found out, I filed. It was over. I begged for him not to leave, but once the A hit the light, I turned my back and told him he was dead to me. I've never once asked him back or brought up how he killed our marriage. When he told me he was moving in with her, I never responded to the text.
The only time I communicate with him, which is usually only via text or email, is when it has to do with the kids. I haven't even seen him in months and haven't had a face to face conversation with him for well over a year.
All of a sudden, he's starting to be a passive aggressive asshole to me. For example, he knows that when he has the kids EOW I text right around a certain time on both nights to ask how they are and to ask that he tell them I said goodnight and that I love them. I don't interfere. I don't ask a ton of questions. I do the same thing every time.
The problem is that its been taking him a long time to respond to these simple messages. That phone is glued to his side at all times and it sometimes takes him 45 minutes to get back to me. Sometimes I text again with a "??" because I can't go to sleep or enjoy the rest of my night without making sure they are ok.
This new trend of ignoring me culminated in my post the other night titled "he sucks"! Long story short, he told me DD would be dropped off before DS started his sport practice. She never showed up so I texted. He didn't respond. I texted again. He didn't respond. I called. He didn't pick up. So now I'm panicking because I don't know where DD is, I can't get a hold of him, and God forbid, someone got hurt. He calls me a few minutes later and he ends up getting pissy with me after telling me that DD changed her mind about coming home early - a fact I'm sure he knew for a long while before she was due back. Instead of engaging, I hung up on him. True to form, he gave me a big I'm sorry text five minutes later.
It was something that could have so been avoided. But, to me, it was like he did it on purpose to annoy and upset me and then try to turn on his aww shucks ma'am routine when I got pissed.
I guess I will never get the energy that seems to now be spent on bugging me. Is it that this is the only way he can get to me now, through my kids? I will never understand why they want to needle people and get to us after tossing us away. He said for me to go away and I gave him exactly what he wanted. I will just never get it.
Waywardson went to tag BIL in a post on FB about those Wounded Warrior uniforms to ask his opinion and realized he's blocked. He said, "Did she block me from his profile?", and looked hurt. I reminded him that he's essentially dealing with a four year old and she's pissed because we talked directly to him, which really interferes with triangulation, her favorite weapon. (I know there are two sides to every story, but THEIR stories are worlds apart. It's really unbelievable!!) I also told him there was really no benefit in having BIL as a FB friend, if she's using his profile to glean information to use against him. Not that there really IS any, but NPDs are great at fabricating stuff. *sigh* I just pray we make it through the holidays because that when she usually really ratchets it up.
Hugs to all here.
Do these morons get off on trying to get a reaction, any reaction, out of us?
DING DING DING!!!!!!!!
This is n supply. I call it indirect supply, basically when he thinks he's gotten to you he gets off. Kind of like the way an addict gets off describing a high, not quite the same thing, but better than nothing. Add in to the mix your reaction after the fact-yes he got something out of it-more supply. He matters to you, even if it is only as the gatekeeper to the kids. He matters in some instance-in his mind when he has the kids he is important to you. He likes being important. Expect a lot of this type of stuff in the near future. It sucks!
I'm only half awake now but your story jolted me. His playful antics when he's drinking are NOT playful. They're violent. Very violent. Don't buy into the play act. You know it's not play. It's not fantasy it's hidden violence. It's directed at you.
I hope wiser folks can come along and help you soon, you need help! Please keep posting and reading. I pray you gain some strength through knowledge and protect yourself and do it very soon. God bless honey.
Contact your domestic violence shelter, a LOT of women have had your experience, it is violence in play form - the shelter folks can advise you the best way to stay safe.
My XH wasn't physically abusive-the emotional abuse was all encompassing. I was in group therapy with the local DV shelter women-they were a huge help in getting me to see that my XH was NOT healthy or normal. They also gave me strategies for dealing with them (him and her) that helped soo much.
They are an underutilized area for advice, they can help in many ways that do not involve needing a safe haven from an abuser.
I have stayed away from SI for a few months because I shared some articles from SI with my husband. I then became paranoid he would come on here and figure out I was posting. I should have realized he didn't even read the articles. They sat on his desk for a few weeks and then I threw them away and he didn't notice. I guess this shows his motivation to work on the marriage.
You know what he spends his time on- watches. He spends hours on watch websites. He bought tools to work on watches. He recently bought himself a Rolex.
Yup, cheat on your wife while she's taking care of your infant son and then reward yourself with a Rolex.
It took him three months to enroll in therapy. I asked him if he likes going and he said its a pain to go - although it's one hour a week - that's it. But he can spend hours looking at Craigslist, watches etc.
I have so many stories to tell and things to process. I hope you'll be patient with me. My main question is, why do I stay. I would tell everybody else to run like mad from him. I know I must leave. For my son and my sake. Yet I can't. I think he has convinced me I can't take care of myself. Or maybe I felt that anyway and I wanted someone to tell me what to do. How can I make my feelings match my brain?
At least this fence is mine to own and
amber - please get some help like the others said. You are in a dangerous, unhealthy relationship. Hugs to you.
confused - it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head. Are you in IC? Have you seen a L? The good folks at SI told me to see a L right after Dday and it was one of the best things I did, even though I am still not D'd 2 years later (but getting MUCH closer!) Be patient with yourself - everyone has their own journey and timeline. (((((((confused)))))))
I feel like I overreacted and that is just the way he is.
Amber, read the first part of your statement. You overreacted? I don't think so, honey. With everything else you said, you definitely did NOT overreact.
Now read the second part. That IS the way he is. Not just. IS. You are in danger, and your gut is telling you so. The only reason you can't believe it is because it doesn't fit with your own way of being and he's doing his best to convince you otherwise. He is a sick freak you need to get away from, as soon as possible.
You. Are. In. Danger.
When you are being bitten and other things that feel wrong to you and hurt you, that is not play. As others have said, that is violence. If he's going that far now, he will go farther. You do NOT want to be there when he does.
Please, please get out. Go to the domestic violence shelter nearest you and get help. Now.
Time runs out very quickly when there is violence in the house. Please, do it before it's too late. I'm not trying to scare you, I just feel the urgency in my soul. This man is very, very sick.