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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

For those of us who are or have been in the trenches with a cheating NPD and waste time wondering why they seem to lack utterly the capacity for empathy?

*please do not post anything from that site, she is far from a friend of SI. She is notorious for making fun of the BS's here.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:31 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1466 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lack of empathy gray matter doesn't scare me. It is the evil things they do knowing exactly what they are doing. The more pain inflicted the better.

That's the part that scares me.

Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 6:58 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more pain inflicted the better.
That's the part that scares me.

Ditto.


Posts: 10973 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the fact that they derive pleasure from the pain they inflict on people (including their own children) is something that is impossible for us normals to get our heads around.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of these posts really hit home.

The lack of warmth and caring that comes with some NPD traits is shocking to me.

One of the posts also spoke of multiple narcs in the same place and it doesn't really work, because the personalities are so strong, two simply cannot survive in close range. In each of our families are this kind of person and they understand that they don't get along, but not why. Well, largely it seems to be the personalities and narcissism within that doesn't let them do things like compromise or have empathy for another situation...because for them, it's only their situation and problems that matter.

Yes, as Kajem pointed out, the evil things they do while knowing it are some of the scariest on the planet. Nearly ExH knew exactly what he was doing-plotted every second. Not only cheated, but ruined my life with that and the other things he did after. And the level of deceit was so high with what he did and he knew it, that sometimes I simply cannot comprehend how he could know the kind of hurt he was going to inflict...and do it anyway.

That's 80% of the reason that I finally hired a lawyer and filed papers. The cheating was one thing, because he set out to do that too-the things he did under our own roof to us and to me just put me over the edge.

Some say that parts of narcissism are borderline psychopathic and sometimes I believe it-oh, not the violence but the cold calculation.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, going back a bit.
How much hate generates the desire to inflict more pain?
(I mean, who does that? - well, we know)

Could it be that
- they wore the mask so well you didn't see it?
- they were too shallow to go to that *dark place*?

The mask. Is it not a projection of a false self? Is it not also true that it is hiding something?
The louder the lie, the quieter the truth.
The shinier the mask, the deeper is the black hole it attempts to cover.

What did you see when the mask slipped? (besides desperation to maintain it)
Hate?

They have no empathy, right?
What makes us think they do have it - but only for themselves?

They are grasping, avaricious, manipulative liars...spending their sad existences on filling some unidentified hole within them...
with sex, toys, drama, and caulk guns. It's selfish, but it's not self-love is it?

That would require, you know...
empathy.

Just thinking out loud here.
Oh.
I command you to cease
calling me any of those majesty things!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ah, jj... who is going to "bow" to your commands? (see that? I made a pun to counter your irony. ) Or maybe I was still being ironic? I am too tired to figure it.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh crap NPD ex hovering (dragging me back in) I've been so good at recognizing it as NPD crap... but I guess I'm out of practice since we've been apart a while (must remember the truth (his sabotaging, manipulation, lies) rather than the projected "truth" (kind, caring, fair person)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Shutup  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had an NPDXH update. I've been eating the popcorn waiting for his Twatland Fantasy to crash for almost 5 yrs. It was inevitable crash.

Short back story, FT-68 yrs old at the time he left me ran off to Thailand to be with his 34 yr old Thai Twat. He is now 74 and she is 40.

They married shortly after the D and did invitro to get her pregnant. Baby is due in next 4 wks.

Last week DSS34 read emails several years old from FT to employees and investors of DSS34s start up business. The same people stole info and orchestrated the business to fail with FT's help. The evidence is in black and white so no denying his involvement. DSS was crushed his father would do such horrible things to his own son behind his back and destroy his business. That was last Thurs. Attorneys and board members will decide to press criminal charge against FT.

Fri evening DSS gets a VM from FT that he's retaining a dangerous amount of fluid and very ill.

Today he gets a text from FT in Thailand that he needs DSS to send 9K for emergency prostate surgery because hospitals there won't take his insurance (HMO). FT was just here less than a month ago and spent all his money on attorneys to sue his sister's estate.

So FT is very ill and in life/death situation because he also has a bad heart and so much stress on it from the fluid. And can't pee. He has no money in a country of his choosing that doesn't accept his medical ins.

He has a baby due very soon and a Twatwife that is very demanding. Doubtful she will have time to take care of his sorry ass if he gets surgery and survives.

Think his NPD ass has been knocked down a step or two ?

And I remember a couple days before he walked out the door 5 yrs ago, I deserve to be happy ! This must be his happiness he was talking about.
I wish him well.

Gma

ETA: You can't make this shit up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by gma56 at 10:33 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gma, this couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope Junior decides to let him twist in the wind. What an evil fuck.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16634 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gma

Wow. He orchestrated his son's failure. There has to be a special place in hell for someone who does that . I feel badly for DSS. Will DSS send the needed money?

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SweetheartVixen
♀ Member
Member # 4956
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gma,

Couldn't happen to nicer guy.

I hope junior "forgets" to send the money.


BS/60s WS/60s Divorcing and not soon enough~!
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice...

DD 6-14


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: somewhere over the rainbow
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will DSS send the needed money?
I don't think DSS has the money to give him. DSS has a 3 mo old son and 10 yr old to take care of right now.
Will he help find the money ? Maybe but honestly the timing is weird. DSS just found undeniable proof of his Dad's betrayl. Very much like our ddays.

He wouldn't dare ask me.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I should help him like he helped me when I couldn't pay utilities, buy food, and gas waiting for the D to final.

Or when he left me the last time, bills were unpaid and 20 dollars in the acct because he cleaned it out before leaving.
Mmmmmm....let me think about how I feel about helping him.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex NPD H seems devoid of any ability to love or truly care for anyone other than himself (and I actually think he loathes himself ... which may be the crux of his issues). However, he adores his dogs. And he is very good with dogs. Much better than with our children.

Is your NPD better with animals than people?


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much hate generates the desire to inflict more pain?
(I mean, who does that? - well, we know)
Could it be that
- they wore the mask so well you didn't see it?
- they were too shallow to go to that *dark place*?

The mask. Is it not a projection of a false self? Is it not also true that it is hiding something?
The louder the lie, the quieter the truth.
The shinier the mask, the deeper is the black hole it attempts to cover.

What did you see when the mask slipped? (besides desperation to maintain it)
Hate?

They have no empathy, right?
What makes us think they do have it - but only for themselves?

They are grasping, avaricious, manipulative liars...spending their sad existences on filling some unidentified hole within them...
with sex, toys, drama, and caulk guns. It's selfish, but it's not self-love is it?

That would require, you know...
empathy.


^^this is spot on. Thank you JJ, I needed it put into words!!

gma, wow! Is you DSS's business doing okay despite the sabotage? How are the kids doing with it all?

luv2swim~ my animals hated him. Had one dog that peed every time he looked at her, maybe she saw the vacancy we all talked about...?


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about the mask. A lot.

He used to pull crap that would lead me down the path of me being the one f'd up. There are times when I look back on my marriage and I come from the place of being f'd up. This may be one of those views. That or I really am NPD .

When the mask slipped, I saw a small injured little boy. I wanted to make that boy feel better. Those were the early years. After we had kids, and those adoring toddlers grew up, started school, got a social life beyond mommy and daddy. The mask slipping showed something different-I still can't put a word to it-a nothingness. Not hatred, just there is the best description. It's the look on an addicts face when they aren't on something and aren't desperate to be on something. The In between coming down and a craving . The 2 years before he left, when it slipped-contempt. Once I put on my boots and told him to leave-fear then hatred and rage.

I don't speak to him, but I do see him on occasion. I can still feel his anger.

As I started to write this I was thinking we all wear masks to protect us. As I finished the above paragraph I'm thinking that's wrong. We don't wear masks. My personality doesn't change. I may choose not to reveal who I am to someone, but what I do reveal is still part of who I am. It's more like wearing a hat-the kind with a veil-the more (longer) you know me the more I reveal myself but the core person is the same.

I didn't change who I was. I lost parts of me-protected parts of me to be with him. Those parts are still within me, I just have to dig deep enough to find them. I can do that because I have more than a mask deep personality.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a book about NPD and the best description that stuck with me is that it is a 2yr old that is stuck into adulthood. How do 2yr olds act when they want to get their way?

It made sense to me, because my H shows is little boy at times also and I feel great empathy for him, but before long the rage of not getting his way kicks in.

I honestly don't remember any of my kids acting this bad in there terrible two's, but if they wouldn't have grown out of it and it kept going into their 40's...I sure I would.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, jj, no more "majesty" junk.

I can tell you what I saw when the mask slipped. Rage. Pure evil. Hatred so deep and frightening, people would actually step back and stammer, then do what he wanted, just to avoid the outcome they saw on his face. He is the angriest person I've ever known. And when the mask slipped, he got "The Look." That was even scarier than the dead shark eye look.

It was the precursor to an all-out rage fest where someone was going to get hurt. Whenever I saw it, I knew he'd been pushed too far, and was planning annihilation for whoever "caused" it. Because he never accepted that he'd brought it on himself. Oh, no. It was always someone else who did it.

Joy and rapture! People do exactly what you want when you get The Look! I can't remember him ever regretting his mask slipping. His chest would be so puffed out, and he'd wear the secondary Look that meant, "Yeah, that's right. You better never piss me off again." I swear, he was pleased and proud and full of evil joy that this works for him. But not smiling.

There's something I'm trying to convey, here, but I can't quite put it into words. It went beyond pride or happiness... it was dark, malevolent, scary. That secondary Look was almost or maybe more scary than The Look itself.

The Look meant trouble was coming, but the other... in a way, it was the window to the black hole where his soul should have been. Like looking into Hell itself.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
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