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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So that's what it's called " the NPD costume party" !!

Never thought of it that way , I have one who did that.


Keep copies of your email exchanges. X tried to tell his attorney I was out of line in the emails, he showed attorney a 'sample' of one of our exchanges. My attorney pulled out a 3 inch binder and referenced the whole exchange for his attorney. His attorney turned to him and told him he needed to act like an adult, man up and quit having NW contact me.

It never happened.

Ignoring everything he put in an email except for questions, I answer questions. I also correct spelling on his emails. Once I sent the corrections back to him - he was not amused. I thought it was funny.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do you summon up the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing you can't stop the crazy?

I've tried meditation this morning, and I do feel better. Prayer helps me, too. As does SI!!!

Any other suggestions? Thanks!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I have a choice. One foot in front of the other-sometimes the steps are light, sometimes not, each step leads away from him.

I am working Melanie tonya Evans NARP program. It's helping bit by agonizing bit we will get there.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Comp, the things you mention are what got me through. I just posted and posted ad nauseum, prayed and made myself keep moving. I had a DS to stand up for, so that helped.

Keep going. The most important thing to remember is you will get to this side, you will get past all the pain, and you will be stronger than ever.

You can do it, just like the rest of us. Come on over... it's peaceful on this side.

(((((Comp)))))

(((((Tribe)))))


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my NPDH keeps telling me what an "ass" he is. How he f'ed up his life and once in a while he says he doesn't want to live?

What's up with that?

Does he finally realized he messed up his life or is it a call for sympathy or help?

He's been diagnosed by multiple therapists as NPD, PA, etc.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2012
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my NPDH keeps telling me what an "ass" he is. How he f'ed up his life and once in a while he says he doesn't want to live?
What's up with that?

Does he finally realized he messed up his life or is it a call for sympathy or help?

He's been diagnosed by multiple therapists as NPD, PA, etc.

NO! This is a HOOK to try and reel you back! Don't fall for it. Nothing has changed but the words.

The ONLY help you should offer is calling 911 and reporting and threat of suicide. Then resume no contact.

There is no "getting it" or getting better" when it comes to NPD. The only one who can get better is YOU.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatdoido, Sadtoo is right. Don't fall for it. The next time he says he doesn't want to live, just call 911 if you know where he is... I wouldn't tell him you're doing it, though. I'm just mean that way. As I was told when mine started that crap, "Maybe it'll teach him a lesson about using THAT hook!"

They'll say and do anything if they think it'll work. Until it backfires, anyway.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just what I figured...thanks for the insight

Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2012
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do you summon up the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing you can't stop the crazy

hmmm, well like SoHurt says, I posted A LOT! And I got some good advice such as one foot in front of the other one minute at a time. One second at a time. Sometimes the "take it one day at a time" was just too much. So take in minute by minute. And breathe.

As for knowing you can't stop the crazy? Kinda releases you from having to try to manage the crazy. Step away from the crazy. Once I accepted that (It was you can't make sense out of nonsense repeated to me here by some wise folk) it was liberating. Not my job to understand, figure out why or when he got "that way."


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one minute at a time. One second at a time. Sometimes the "take it one day at a time" was just too much. So take in minute by minute. And breathe.

I was living that way for several years, but was hoping for an end to it. I had a little reprieve and got used to that. So yea, that breathing thing! I really do have to stop and take deep breaths sometimes. And I do know that getting through it as it comes, one minute at a time, one crazy piece of bullshit at a time, is how it works.

As for stepping away, I can get a lot of distance between what he does to me directly and my serenity, but what he's doing that gets to me the most right now is messing with my relationship with my children. I know I can't stop him from lying to them, and if I try and get the truth in front of them, then it is "he said, she said" to them, so I have to accept what I can't change. And know that eventually, they will know the truth. It's happening. Slowly. But it SUCKS!!! For me AND the children. The mind-fuck!

Thank you for all the responses! I love the Tribe!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been on this thread in a while but realize this is probably the best place to get feedback for my situation. He is not a classic narcissist. I believe him to be "covert" or at the very least be very high with traits if not actually diagnosable.

Yesterday we were driving home from a work party. We were talking about DS#1 and how he has expressed a desire to settle down and have children sooner than later. WH said "Maybe he has seen how good our relationship is and he wants what we have."

I have told him for almost three years that if I didn't get a timeline it was over. That if I caught him erasing emails, not telling me about phone calls etc he was out. I told him he had to be in counseling or he is out. He had to change jobs or he is out. He has done none of those things and I have told him that when DS#2 is old enough we are done.

Yes, I am nice. I stopped telling him what happens during my day. I stopped expressing any problems, feelings complaints. Because we are going to D so why waste my energy arguing with a narcissist? But I keep telling him what the expectations and consequences are and he seems to "forget" and think we have "a great M.?"

He has asked at least four women to marry him since he's been with me. He criticized how I interact socially, criticized everything about me sexually and compares me to OW#1 (or did openly until recently). They still work together and apparently are still close emotionally which he doesn't see as a problem. Why would he NOT want a D? I am clearly NOT what he wants. I don't get it.

Do I bring this up and start a bunch of drama that will lead nowhere? Or just wait a few years, keep plugging along and then hand him papers when DS#2 is a little older and deal with the drama then?

The pattern was if I brought up issues/complaints he would turn it around on me. Then he started just agreeing and saying he would do whatever I was asking but then wouldn't. Now I never know how it will go but I'm not sure it matters. I wind up with an emotional hangover and "hope" but nothing changes or happens...


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pattern was if I brought up issues/complaints he would turn it around on me. Then he started just agreeing and saying he would do whatever I was asking but then wouldn't. Now I never know how it will go but I'm not sure it matters. I wind up with an emotional hangover and "hope" but nothing changes or happens...

Wifeno2: OMG!! I could have written your post!! I am such a similar situation. I keep trying to detach, stop the hope, but it keeps coming back. As long as I don't make waves or ask for any emotional needs all is well. Then he does or says something that is like a punch in the gut....

I am also biding my time. When I read the posts here about how bad they can be when you try to leave, I don't know which is better, staying or leaving. It's a Catch-22.

If I could just stop caring, it would be great.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to stop caring, a primer.

Re-direct all the care about the pet or the M. Care about yourself.

The end.

The hand of what you wish it to be is holding your soul to the grindstone of what is.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hand of what you wish it to be is holding your soul to the grindstone of what is.

jjct: This is a wonderful quote!! It is very profound and if I may, I might make it my tagline!!

I thought I'd share this little story for a laugh:

NPD decides to throw a big party for his family. Of course I do most (95%) of the work. I'm running around like crazy making sure everyone is taken care of.

NPD felt the party went so well, that he invites everyone over again on Sunday. His aunt says she can't make it, so NPD says to me "Maybe the aunt is mad because you didn't talk to her or didn't pay enough attention to her"

The aunt is NOT like that....that is his projections and of course as usual it is MY fault!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be honored!

Rent is like, 10 cents a day though - proceeds to SI of course!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never understood how to make the cycle of NPD abuse stop. People say, "It stops when you say it stops," and it took me a few tries and some blood sweat and tears (literally) to jump off that roller coaster and wake up. Although I still have a lot of work, and a long road of my own checks and balances ahead, my journey to *freedom* has me curiously surprised. I have to see x "the king" at child swap time and occasionally spend a few passing minutes in his presence. Typically, when he is around, I have adopted the whole distraction thing where when he speaks, as soon as I see it isn't kid/finance related, I find a simple distraction and pay no attention ("oh look, a butterfly!" or something similar). My young adult son has brought it to my attention that the king has been playing songs or humming tunes to try to get to me, such as "Somebody That I Used to Know" and "She F'ing Hates Me" the last few times we've been around, and seemed agitated that I didn't recognize or respond in any way I found that so humorous that he's trying to get a rise out of me and I didn't even notice! If I still played games, I'd blast "I Hate Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe next time. However, I think I'll just find another butterfly to gaze at and continue my progress out of the pit!!


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@wifeno2, just please be careful biding time, especially years. Put small amounts of money aside, build a best egg, have a backup plan. The switch from "covert NPD with high traits" to full blown happens fast when there is a narcissistic injury. I never imagined the king to do some of the terrible things he did, but that doesn't change the fact that he did. Repeatedly. The point is, even if he isn't *physically* abusive, have an escape plan in place. Everything can change on the drop of a hat.


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"oh look, a butterfly!"

Yep.
You're doing it right.

If you're struggling with not laughing in his face, c'mon in here - I'll tell you a bad joke or something...


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"oh look, a butterfly"

OMG!! I love this. It is so perfect!

Then as he's looking around like an idiot, roll your eyes and drive away.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@jj~ I DO struggle with not laughing at his face! I am always up for a bad joke

I had forgotten how much I just love to laugh, and at first the sound was so foreign. Now I almost can't stop!!


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
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