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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again; Thank you so much. I too feel as though the greatest loss is the loss of myself. The woman that was so happy. The artist. The enterpreneur. The woman that loves to go fishing. A morning in my kayak with him turned into an angry, miserable chore for him. Every joy in my life was unimportant.

I do feel myself healing but have doubts on some levels that I'll ever be "her" again. Then I even question that question. Why am I even thinking that I won't ever be me again? It's so awful that a person you love can treat you so inherently evil.

Onward I'll march, onward and into myself again. The woman that laughs. The woman that can have a good day without drinking so that her husband will be happy. I'm realizing that he may also be alcoholic. Jeez. So many clear headed thoughts finally coming.

One day he got fuming mad at me for pulling into an ice cream parlor on the side of a beautiful road in NH. We'd been driving for a long time and I wanted to take a break and give the dogs a breather. It was a cute little family run home made ice cream parlor. Just adorable. It was a gorgeous day.

Well, as he came around the back with the food and frappes to the picnic tables I had walked to with the dogs he was purple faced. So purple I thought he was ill or was going to have a heart attack.

When I asked if he was okay he screamed at me that NO HE'S NOT OKAY. Alrighty, beautiful day shot. Just another beautiful day destroyed. I had no idea what I had done.

I had gone to an ice cream stand when there right across the street was a nice restaurant with a lounge!! How dare I!!?? I had to explain myself to him. I had to point out that the dogs needed a break too. And I wanted a burger and a frappe. He said that he wanted a burger too!! But damnit he wanted a beer too! It was just noon...Hello, what could I say.

I should have said walk your ass home. I should have said many things over the years. Things I regret not saying out of fear of his reaction. I had to please him first and foremost, why was I so worried about the dogs?

It's so much better to be alive now. So much easier to deal now because I've found you wonderful folks. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me free that woman smiling at the world.

I am smarter than I was allowed to be and I was so smart that day I googled infidelity and found you. I think it was one of the smartest moves I've made in the last 20 years.

Raising a glass of tea with honey to salute all of you and all of your kindness and sharing.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU. Are awesome, wiz!

Here's the formula:

Any thing you do & I do mean anything

if it shows one speck of *outta their control*

results in Epic Meltdown.

Can you guess how many outings were ruined because I was simply "nice" to someone else?

Yeah.

You were nice, and loving, and giving, and caring.
Don't beat yourself up for not
recognizing the species
zebraduckafuckedupamuss.

They hide too well.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CharlieFoxtrot,

You have pretty much summed up what I am also feeling. I am so angry with myself for putting up with this and accepting things that made me feel so worthless. I can't really explain it very well, but it was almost like I became afraid to speak, to voice an opinion. Not because he was verbally abusive, but because over time, I had tried so hard to prove myself worthy of him, that I was scared that anything I did have to say would be ridiculed in his mind. I didn't feel good enough at anything or for anything. I always worried about what I was wearing, in case it wasn't good enough or something he didn't like, or if it didn't fit into his particular likes. I really have NO CLUE what on earth I was doing or why I allowed him to treat me that way or allow him to get away with the things he did to me. Mine used to like calling me a whore during sex.

It was a complete and total mind fuck to say the least. It still is. I have had 5 days now without talking to him. The ridiculous thing is that part of me wants him to contact me and I am so angry at myself for that too.

Yours sounds a lot like mine in regards to the sexual deviancy and the peeing and choking. He used to like to put is hands around my throat during sex too. Many of my male friends who I have told about this all say that this isn't normal. I am still having trouble getting that to sink in. Maybe I have been conditioned to think it is normal much more than I thought.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are all conditioned to think things are normal and they really aren't. I have told people things that NPDH does and has been doing for years and am told they aren't normal.....like having lots of female friends and thinking nothing of going out to dinner with them and stuff like that. I have basically grown up with my NPD and he's always had friends he's gone out to dinner with. I thought that was normal!

Recently he asked a female friend out to dinner in front of me. Her comment was " many men have asked me out to dinner, but not in front of their wife". I am embarrassed to say I was used to him going out to dinner with females.....


Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2012
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My NPDH latest ... Therapist told him he was an idiot. so now, when he des something or says something he shouldn't, he says "I'm an idiot". I guess he thinks that erases all the wrongdoing?

I was away this week.. Come home to find out he's still calling his OW and reading Her email. guess he must be checking up on her!

OW accused him in the past of being a stalker! I guess he's still stalking her! Should I ask him why he's still calling her and reading his email? I'm thinking why bother...he'll give me some lame excuse that it was work related..

Let him continue to to chase her...it's only been 4 years.

He also thinks BJs are not considered sex so it's not that wrong to give/get a BJ from someone else.

Also, it's acceptable behavior for women to walk around with their bra straps exposed? I was always under the impression that underwear should be covered up by clothes. He's telling me its fashionable??


Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whatdoido333))) Welcome here. You can go back to the earliest available NPD threads & start reading.
There are patterns you will see.
You will know that you are not alone.

Here are some of them.

- at some point, you will realize that describing these things to people gets you weird looks, like you're insane, and you'll stop. Because you're not.

- at some point, you'll hear every utterance outta his mouf as white noise, and your challenge will be to not laugh in his face.

- at some point, you will realize you cannot fix this. I suspect you're talented, and it's hard to leave problems unfixed, but, there it is.

The very first advice I got on here was run doncha know.
It made me crazy for awhile, but, there it is. (some would argue I'm still crazy - but "never mind them")

It's all stupid and frustrating we gotta be here in the first place, with internet strangers telling us what is, but,
there it is.

Read. Pick up the patterns.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

- at some point, you will realize that describing these things to people gets you weird looks, like you're insane, and you'll stop. Because you're not.

Oh, yes. Then you will forget and say something that seems "normal" and get the wide eyed weird look that makes you replay what you said ...

The tribe and this thread came to be so important because any ANY topic here is not too much or unheard or unfamiliar to somebody. It is comforting and sad all at the same time.

jj,

(some would argue I'm still crazy - but "never mind them")

who you talkin' bout???


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lmao. My cheeks are too wet to craft a clever reply right now.
Can't see the keyboard.
I can cut n paste.
here's

Looking back upon your contradictions
as I look into my own
a pitted, busted, blasted landscape
where fields of flowers were sown.

Where tears and laughter mingle,
where no loud sound is heard,
cold flesh felt hotly tingle holy
friend silence spoke one word.

It fell like thrusting madflys,
a blanket from far stars,
a lover sighed warmed breathing,
all it left were scars.

Unmoving as a fallen snow
in quiet sight profound,
a shuttered light shows grimaced lips
still. No movementís frozen sound.

It shattered all inside me
like longlost dreams deferred,
the big black crow on my shoulder,
sharp beak holds a hollowboned bird.

Comes its dammed pecker,
inevitable as turned head,
dark feathered scheming wrecker,
wrong eyes wring emptyfull dread.

Devil beat Adam at his weak point,
naked Eve too hard to resist.
I wish Iíd been at his shoulder.
No doubt she wouldíve been pissed.

Thereís baking effort in breadcrumbs,
the pounding and folding of me.
Whatís left is a swallowed near f bomb.
at a man
left hanging on a tree.


I realize this is a risk. Well dam me for putting my heart out there.

[This message edited by jjct at 5:53 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jj))) thank you for the gift. It is far more than bread crumbs I have found here.

This


a pitted, busted, blasted landscape
where fields of flowers were sown.

comes closer to what I find in this group.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct: Thank you for sharing your wonderful poem! I think you are on your way to healing. I used to write poetry, play the guitar, read, draw, but somewhere along the way, I stopped because NPD would complain or make some comment about how I wasn't there for him because I was "busy' I lost myself too.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came across this article on Emotional Abuse, and I think it applies aptly to how the victims of NPD feel.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

It was very, very helpful to me.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It shattered all inside me
like longlost dreams deferred,
the big black crow on my shoulder,
sharp beak holds a hollowboned bird.

jj, you have a beautiful soul, I think, to be so able to write in such touching ways.

Thank you.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 days now without contact from him. Maybe he's finally gone for good?

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.
I'm glad some of it said something to you.

It's reflective of where I had to go to heal - the quiet deep inside, and it feels natural that I'd find contradictions, opposites, counterintuities.

It relates to the "why is such a nice guy like me (like us) even here?" I do understand it pretty well, still, when a candle is lit, a shadow is created. See?
There I go again...

The answer for me was -& still is - to find me. It sounds so simple. The one thing deep inside that was true, and good, and worthy of surviving - the thing that won't change no matter what assault is made on it from "the outside".

I needed to listen to live.
I'm still listening.
(cuz that crow of contradiction is still right there - ready to take my eye out, with some unanticipated & unseen conundrum)


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted a lot here but I have read all of the posts from 11 to now. I'm so glad I understand NPD it has helped me understand I'm an NPD survivor!

I was speaking with a member of my church the other day. He had moved in with his family to our area and had met "opposing" 2 times. Then dday and "opposing" hasn't been back to church since.

Something that he said has really been on my mind. "opposing" got a Harley after 31 years (I really enjoyed riding). He said when he met him he was dressing the part of biker and wondered if that was his life now. As I'm NC I can only guess that it is. And I really don't care.

After thinking about that comment and now having an understanding of NPD it has occurred to me that he has always "dressed the part" of whatever phase he was in.

Over the years he had many hobbies that took over his life. Each time he had to have all the equipment for each hobby. He would become so involved and spend hours on whatever he was doing. To the exclusion of the family. (Side note: I was controlling when I would ask for couple or family time). For instance when he decided to learn to play guitar he bought 3 guitars. That phase lasted about 2 months!

The last hobby (which he spent 20 to 30 hours a week on after working his full time job) before the motorcycle was going to be a new career and he was going to become a well known artist! When I asked him why he never told me that he wanted to do this as a profession he told me he did. I was perplexed and asked when he'd told me. His response was to tell me all the steps he had taken to make it a business and that I should have known he was going to make it his new profession based on what he had done. Oh and he also knew I would get mad that he was going to change his career! He was always helpful and let me know what I was thinking!

I was supposed to have guessed that when he was talking about moving to a new part of the country we would get a house with a shop and he would do his hobby and I would have mine that was going to be his ticket "out of the factory". I thought we were talking about when we retired several years down the road. Nope I guessed wrong.

When I think about the marriage over the years I have come to realize that his hobbies was how he fed the NPD. He would involve himself in his hobby and get praise and adoration from those around him. I was the bitchy wife who only complained because he was gone. Never mind we had 4 little girls who I was mostly in charge of and wanted some help and relief with...wait...that was parenting!

His favorite job at church was working with the little kids in the nursery because they all loved him! And the other's nursery workers and parents would always talk about how wonderful he was and that the kiddo's loved him!

I've wondered (not very often)just how he is feeding his NPD now that he lives alone in a house that once was the center of our life together. He only contacts one DD his golden child.

Dday was the worst day of my life. Finding SI on Dday was a lifesaver for me. I've been educated on so many topics I never wanted to learn about. Now I'm just glad that I've been given this gift of freedom from NPD. I'm just waiting for the D to be final and for my NB. D a PA NPD is a long process!


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is writing a cease and desist letter to a sociopathic, alcoholic, sex-addicted ex-husband like waving red in front of a bull?

I'm working very hard at keeping all communication as close to zero as possible, as our children are older. One is still under 18, so I have to communicate some.

Is it a really bad idea to write to X to say that he should cease and desist in writing nasty things to me?

I'm not thinking that it would actually help! Just I am wondering if it is time to start laying down some documentation that I have asked that he stop. And then go back to ignoring him.

Ugh. I just spoke to someone further along than me on this journey, and she says It Never Stops. Her children are grown and he is still messing with her and her relationship with her children. I REALLY didn't want to hear that.

I'm very sad. Very very sad.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Writing a. ny. thing. is kibbles.
Having an attorney write it,
not so much.

Are there any other ways to get him to c&d? Like changing #'s etc...? Limiting contact to emails only?

FTR, for me it has stopped. We didn't have kids together though.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a cease and desist type letter written by an attorney and it INCENSED him. He contacted my attorney, my landlord, a member of our church. His response was along the lines of "YOU can't tell ME what to do!" Now when he actually went to jail for 24 hours.... and his own attorney told him to shut the fuck up... he went silent. Then it was unnerving because it was like the spider you saw but now can't find. The empty water while the Jaws theme song plays.

Ignoring. Ignoring. And waiting until he got bored and moved on and decided to play a new game (who knows what the rules are??) worked the best for me.

I think that unless the contact is threatening, and you can get a protective order then I would ignore. Keep them. Perhaps the sum total someday will be worth something. But just garden variety nasty? Asking him to stop will likely increase the behavior.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limiting contact to emails only?

It is happening in the emails. Which is nice for having a paper trail/proof.

I know that I'd eventually have to sue with a lawyer's help, but was wondering if this would be a good thing to have done ahead of time, so the lawyer could reference it.

I think I will just wait some more, and keep compiling.

Thanks.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After thinking about that comment and now having an understanding of NPD it has occurred to me that he has always "dressed the part" of whatever phase he was in.

Mmmmm-hmmmm

I can totally relate to this. I always called it the "NPD Costume Party".

My XNPDH had a "costume" for everything he did. It was so bizarre!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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