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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 12
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FIRST!


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thren, you're too fast! I was reading my response from DS saying she would start a new thread, and you snuck in.

A fresh sandbox for us to play in. Yay!!

ETA:

I think this sandbox will do nicely...

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 5:27 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7622 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call dibs on a green chair!

Nice sandbox, wb.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5288 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My cats saw that picture and starting packing suitcases and buying airline tickets.

How's the Tribe tonight? I imagine we're going to see a few new faces soon. The Huffington Post article has already brought in some new posters in Just Found Out. A percentage of those are sure to be dealing with Ns.

Go in and read, post support if you can. You remember what it was like early on.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take the green sofa. what a great sandbox! I can't believe we filled another one!

What am I saying? This is the NPD forum. Yes I can.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
residencywife93
♀ New Member
Member # 39695
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just put me somewhere with a nice glass of wine!

Just in response to kajem on the last thread.... not to hash out details again but I agree... no mother would ever speak about her son that way. It's disturbing.

I remember one time him telling me that in high school his mom slept with his sister (mind you, they had a four bedroom house with a completely finished basement- spare bedrooms were not a problem) She doesn't sleep with her husband anymore because he "snores" instead would literally sleep in the same bed as his 14-18 year old sister (all through high school)

One of the reasons he wanted a D is because he wanted to be closer to his family, this was after a weeklong vacation to disney where we literally, had to walk in a line and hold hands (yes, me, my 27 year old husband and his 23 year old sister and his mom and dad--no kids) I should have known then that something was terribly off. Of course- in true narcissistic fashiion- I'm the one who is dillusional because I think the family dynamic is off. I'm the enemy, I'm the bad guy.

Now back to the wine. Thanks for making me feel welcome!


Me: BS 27
Him: WH 27
Married 9/3/11
Together since 10/2006
DDay 5/28/13
Filed 7/22/13

Lacing up my nikes and running west!


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very nice choice! I am calling dibs on the whole rest of the couch Sadtoo isn't using, cuz I'm so tired. I think I'll have a nice big margarita, though. And a handsome man to massage my feet and back. Can that be arranged?

What Huff Po article? I missed a step there. Guess I'll go read in JFO and see what's up. I haven't ventured in there in a long time because it was just too painful. But I think I can do it a bit, now.

YAY on the new thread!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I broke NC because I got a text that uncle who wh is very close with has a few days to live. We use to all be very close but this uncle enabled the A.

Anyways, what do I have to look forward to in his behavior? I just need some insight so I am not taken off gaurd.

Other than that nc being broken we have no has contact expect for son and money.

Just need wiser people on this.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Aug 2011
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take an adirondack chair with the little side table to rest my drink on!

faithfulwlove - I realize you may have been close with the uncle, but I'd be careful before this dying uncle is used as bait to suck you back in to NPD Unicorn Fartland.



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't speak to your choice regarding the uncle. I would not personally be inclined to visit HIS family that supported the A.

I spent 6 hours in the ER in a private room with our son and ex. I found the tv VERY interesting. I used my phone as a shield, reading old texts and pretending to be engaged even though I did not have cell service. I actively ignored him. The few questions he directed at me, I answered with minimal words and inflection.

I would imagine that the grief over a favorite uncle could provide an N a perfect opportunity to make it "all about them." I think if you concentrate on not feeding the drama llama it could be bearable. If I "accept" whatever reality is being presented, I can be in his presence without conflict.

Good luck with this!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5288 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We use to all be very close but this uncle enabled the A.
Why would you acknowledge this man since he was NOT a friend to the marriage or you ? Because STBXPOS is close to him ? That is for STBXPOS to deal with, he has chosen to be single and that is part of being single.

Stay away and send prayers to the family members that are suffering the loss. You are no longer part of the family circle, you have been excused and fired.

It might sound cold but you need to start enforcing your boundaries and having your support during family crisis isn't helping you just sucking on you again.
Hugs this isn't easy, none of it .
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 1:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a card sending your condolences is appropriate. Your presence is not required- remember you were fired from being required.

Hugs, I know it hurts to be on the outside .

Ps I'll take a chair close to the fire-I've got s'more makings

[This message edited by Kajem at 10:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FwL, I also think a card is appropriate. If you are inclined to make a personal visit, do not go with the N. Don't let him make this about him.

The latest NPD antics for me:
My DS turned 18 just over a week ago. I don't know why the Assclown's behaviors continue to amaze me, but I was appalled when he made no effort to see or spend time with DS on his birthday. Then in talking with my DS18 this week, I learned that The Assclown did not give DS a gift for his 18th bday, and DS said he didn't really even acknowledge it.

I don't know why I would be shocked, but what a jagoff! I really feel sorry for our children.

Oh, yeah. I heard this song on the radio tonight and thought of our Tribe. We can dance around the fire ring for a bit while it plays. My apologies to JJ. He's Mister Movin' On afterall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xRzXkho6Yw


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7622 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wb2 thanks for my new theme song.

It used to surprise me when XH would sink to new level of low. Now it doesn't . I am trying to think which is sadder- him sinking or me (and some kids) expecting him to ?

My kids like most (normal) people their age are very wrapped up in their own lives with little time to pay homage to the NPD -the result is no effort from XH regarding the kids. Unless its a photo op -psychological (ie bragging rights) or physical a prop for the play that is their life. When my kids don't supply him with an audience or fodder for another audience.... well it isn't in his best interest to invest in.

I am willing to bet IF your son told dad that son and a bunch of friends were cebrating at a pizza place. Dad would have been there. The stage would be set for his appearance , sadly my kids are learning to navigate (orchestrate?) their relationship with XH this way.

Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 4:22 AM, July 26th (Friday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now THAT'S a sandbox! I'm in.
Don't even need a chair.
Just cool it with pics of my nappy ass this time, k?

The puffington deal...concerns me to wet tears. It's like fishing for the one innocent baitfish in a tub of trollsharks. Brave - brave! - but risky. From time to time, they'll seek feed in here, coldly examining us, asking apparently innocent questions...I feel the pinpointed sun's focus warming, rather than an open eye on the other side of the glass.

- she abused the tires off me -

...this makes it hard to write, to say anything else...so bellringing true, nothing but silence inside.

So, warning.
There is a class of people who:


Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
Envies others and believes others envy him/her
Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior
Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic

and


Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Without empathy. Sound familiar?
Yeah. Thought so.
Shields up. Incoming.
Signed,
Mister Moving On.


Posts: 5985 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JJCT-Thanks for your post. This is my sbtx 100% topped off with being drunk = crazy. I am having a very hard time accepting that he never loved me and that I was his property. Although he says that he always loved me. I am having a hard time accepting that he will never change and that our marriage is over. 14 years completely wasted on a man that never even considered me and his kids in his thoughts. I had to get a restraining order yesterday...because for some reason getting D is a ruthless act on my part and if I would be compassionate for him he would be good and not be mean to me??? I am having a hard time letting go...even though I am not sure that I love him and I know that I can never be with him. Feeling pretty sad today.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

It's time for me to join The Tribe as my wife is a full-blown NPD. Textbook and then some.

If any of you have followed my other threads, you may have been expecting me here. :-)

I was reading older threads and came across this:

I know the answer to my question is NC (because that's the answer to every question on this thread), but here it goes:

I am going to be filing for D from my NPD/SA WH soon. When he is served and comes home, do I interact with him at all? I think what I should do is tell him to have his L talk to my L, but I don't see how I will get around not talking to him (and, I admit, I want to talk to him to get my last digs in).

I have been laying low and getting my ducks in a row, pretending like everything is ok. He has no idea that I am going to file. So, I think it will be weird if we are acting normally one morning, he comes home after being served, and I say "talk to my L, I have nothing further to say to you."

What do you think, tribe?

This is my current situation exactly.

Advice? Even if it's the obvious?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1446 | Registered: Dec 2012
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokenandconfuse)))

I am having a very hard time accepting that he never loved me and that I was his property. Although he says that he always loved me.

What made you decide that he never loved you? That you were his property? Write down the behaviors that lead you to that realization. Behaviors carry more weight that what he says to you right now.


I had to get a restraining order yesterday...because for some reason getting D is a ruthless act on my part and if I would be compassionate for him he would be good and not be mean to me???

sheesh. Protecting yourself by getting a D is ruthless? He defines compassionate as doormat? And you are showing strength! Good for you for getting the RO. I don't know what he did to qualify you for that, but it seems clear that he is not respecting your wishes or your safety at this time.

Breaking free from the N can be very difficult. We have learned that the N defines us and since he is the only one allowed to have emotions or needs, it feels unnatural to take care of yours.

I am sorry you are feeling low and sad. It gets better. Be sure to follow the orders of the RO. If you break the RO yourself and have contact with him, you will likely lose the RO and it will be difficult to get again. Remain strong!!

And take hope. Life after can be very peaceful and wonderful. Pick a chair in the sandbox and hang out awhile.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5288 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jj))) Our own Mister Moving On...

- she abused the tires off me -

This cut me deep. But since it is the analogy you gave, let me carry it a bit further and encourage you. I understand the fishbowl feeling and the anxiety that follows. I think it is what makes the Tribe such a "safe place." A smaller community within the already safe place SI is for me.

But "tires" are not hard to replace. Not terribly expensive. That fine car with a purring motor and sleek lines and luxurious interior and superior sound system... all of that can't go anywhere without the tires- but the integrity of the car itself is intact.

So put new tires on and gun that motor! Tire changing party at jj's house!! I think wb volunteered to bring the music.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5288 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
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