My advice: listen to your L, do what you can legally - surrender to the rest (I mean the legal shennanigans). You can't control her fuckery but you can control how much you let it impact you.
I think its awful that they never have weekends with you. I'm glad you're having that changed.
Stay steady, friend. This will be over one day. Towards the end of my my very fast 2.5 hour labours I told the midwife "I can't do this - I want to go home". Her response still resonates with me to this day: "Oh fantastic - mum's always say that right right before they DO do it!". You can do this and you will. She'll pull out every trick in the book and she can delay it but she cannot stop it. Keep it steady, don't lose focus and you are going to be AOK, better than OK.
This will be over one day.
I know. And this is my mantra (actually, one of many ;-).
Tough day for me: try as I could to resist, I caved and tracked my DS's cell and sure enough he is out on POS's boat, fishing. What searing pain... What seething anger at STBXWW.
But it's out of my control; it is what it is. I want him to be happy. I sent him a text early this morning, knowing what he was doing today: "Have a great time today with Mommy!"
But I am going out this evening, and my life goes on.
Sorry for the pity-party. But I know you've all been in this stage... First anti-versary coming up Tuesday. I am planning on starting a new thread.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I'm pretty sure your attorney can force the issue. you have offered a reasonable string of dates and she has refused them all. that won't look good in the judges eyes. especially if she attempts to use her job as an excuse. what would she do if a child needed her?
I'm sorry the fishing issue is such a trigger. just keep in mind, that is not fishing with his dad. you can always keep that as a you and him thing.POSER is desperately trying to intrude on your territory. if it does come to a point where you feel this is no longer special, find something new. boys his age love radio controlled cars. learn how to fly those huge kites that require two hands.
you're doing extremely well. CSTBXWW is off in her own la la land. if she is indeed truly pregnant, this is not the first time by poser. it will always be in the back of his mind that she aborted his child. maybe he doesn't know. if that's the case, think how deeply that has to dig at her. of course given her state of mind, maybe not.
you are well and truly doing the right thing in getting her out of your life.
I look forward to your next thread.
Mixed emotions from me. I sure don't want him to be unhappy. Never. But of course it's normal (I hope) that a small part of me wanted him to tell me otherwise in some way--without actually "being" unhappy. You know what I mean? I just don't want to be selfish and transfer my pain to him in any way--particularly because he is so attuned to me and picks up on the nuances of my mood. I have to be so careful around this kid!
He is just so innocent. I just know that it means everything to him that I am "OK" with him seeing the POS. And so I will be--as far as he can tell. I must and will ensure his happiness and security whatever the circumstances. Swallow my moral revulsion and put on a happy face for my cherished children.
But if STBXWW is pregnant....lots of anxiety and fear for how this will affect him and DD. On the one hand, I fear they will suffer more, but sometimes I fear more the opposite--that they will love their half-sibling. This is more selfishness on my part, I guess. Normal I suppose. But: Their happiness above mine. The premise upon which all my behavior must rest.
And now--I am officially putting it out of my mind as I go to a party filled with friends.
it will always be in the back of his mind that she aborted his child. maybe he doesn't know.
Yes, he did know at the time. I was the only one who did not. STBXWW informed me (oblivious to my utter emotional devastation when she told me) that "he was very angry" she had done that. Just so twisted. Just thinking about it makes me sick. (She let me take her to the clinic, cry with her, comfort her, and nurse her back at home.) Thank god I finally found my strength and filed.
What searing pain... What seething anger at STBXWW.
This passes. I promise you it does. I was a twisted ball of agony for the first few months. Every single cell in my body wanted to stop that whore from ever laying eyes on my precious girls, let alone spending time with them.
That whore's name coming out of my babies mouths almost sent me over the edge. I honestly never thought it would end.
But it did. The only thing worse is the thought of someone being unkind to my girls. As long as this whore is not unkind to my girls she gets to continue breathing with her face intact. I will cut a bitch if she hurts my babies.
The day POS had better not ever make happen:
Ah, the sage words of Bethenny. I've imported the saying to Australia.
Tomorrow DD and DS have an appointment with their psychologist. STBX is taking them without me, as she has several times in the past.
I have informed her that I will be in attendance. She is reacting with great anger and agitation, texting me that he will not be meeting with parents but with the children only and I should not come.
I replied that regardless of the "official" nature of the appointment, I will be in attendance, as is my right and obligation to be present when available at our minor children's medical appointments.
She continues to text (NPD tantrum) angrily. I am ignoring her.
Just wanted to share. Again, no more rolling over for me.
She's scared that you're going to talk to the doc...
I know she is. She has "claimed" this psychologist as her own and has been speaking badly about me to him. (She just sent me an excoriating Email saying--literally!--that "I FOUND this doctor." Therefore, the implication is, that he is MINE MINE MINE! Whaaaaa!
I do not necessarily need to speak with him; but it is extremely important that I assert my presence, not just for my children, but to protect myself against her counter-petition request for sole decision-making power over our children's medical decisions.
Ironic, as it has been me for ten years whom she has deferred to in matters of the children's health, and it was I who has taken the kids to most of the docs' appointments, administered meds, stayed up all night with them when they were sick... It's just absurd and the actions of a desperate NPD who is losing control.
the actions of a desperate NPD who is losing control.
Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
I've been through this. Do not put it past her to lie to both you and ds about the time so that you miss it. My xws would even pretend to the kids they were going somewhere else instead and tell them a later time for the appt. Then they would snatch their phones back from him and text me what was really happening.
I agree I think it's important for you to be there.
this is nothing more than a set up.
"I FOUND this doctor."
She is SUCH a moron.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
beyond important brother. find a way, anyway to be there. she has nothing else left. she desperately needs this psychologist to testify on her behalf.
this is nothing more than a set up.
I agree: her protest against me essentially likely sitting in the waiting room while the doc spoke with our kids was so far-fetched, so strenuous that big red flags have gone up. I will arrive an hour early and pay for the session and hopefully for several future sessions. If she protests this, then that confirms my suspicions.
(Part of her "defense" was that she has been paying for all their sessions--despite the fact that we had agreed to split the cost and I have asked her to send me the bill.)
Should I speak to the psychologist about this?
Should I speak to the psychologist about this?
I would think that any psycologist would want a clear understanding of what is happening in the family life of the kids they are seeing.
Part of what may come out of your children's mouth will be effected by the tention and the issues going on between you and your STBXW. I would ask the doctor if he is aware of the current situation and then go from there. Obviously if she has gotten to him first then he's got her side and you are currently the batshit crazy ex-husband.
I think that just a solid meeting with the doctor and letting him know that you want to be fully informed and involved in this process with the kids will be enough for the doctor. Let him know that you are avalible for any questions.
I dont want to say that the worst thing that you could do, but going in there and calling her crazy would be doing exactly what she did talking about you.
What you need to do is go in there and act like a careing and loving father so that all her crazy talk looks even MORE crazy to the doctor (IE actions speak louder then words). Your interest is not in what she says about you, its in what kind of treatment your kids will be getting and how involved you want to be with their wellbeing. Not how crazy your STBXW is.
[This message edited by Undefinabl3 at 7:55 AM, November 11th (Monday)]
I then paid for the kids' appointment, which will anger STBX, as she has paid for their last four or five appointments and has refused to send me a bill for half in a transparent attempt to "lay claim" to this doctor as "hers."
Whatever. At least I asserted my presence and have on record that I paid for this appointment. I will sit in the waiting room later with STBX and NOT ENGAGE.
While I will be the first to concede that medical and psych professionals can be taken in by personality disorder (and can, as a result, cause tremendous damage to others if their "professional opinion" is used as ammunition in any way), if the doctor you're seeing today is the same doctor, I think he's already gotten a glimpse of the crazy. He saw your stbx's mode of interaction with you, and knows that it's off-kilter.
If it's a different doctor, I think you need to tread more lightly. Showing up in an office without an appointment and asking to be seen (then insisting on paying) might be perceived as ... indicative not of concern for the children, but entitlement, or control issues, or myriad other things that you do NOT want to convey to him. Perhaps things that reinforce whatever myths your stbx has told him. It may have sent a message opposite the one intended.
At the appointment today, please be careful. If your stbx has been working to create a negative view of you, you don't want to do ANYTHING that can cement that.
Having lived with a personality-disordered man for almost 25 years, I know how one can be fooled, long-term. Therapists are not immune to this. Unless very skilled and with personality disorder foremost in mind, most DO get sucked in.
Has anyone suggested a parental fitness evaluation? In your shoes, this is something I'd put in motion. (I would ask that assessment for personality disorder be included. And I would use a professional your wife has not had the opportunity to cultivate--though I suspect that, given a full assessment, even one who "knows" her would be struck by the...contrast between who she pretends to be when it's advantageous and who she really is.)
[This message edited by solus sto at 10:42 AM, November 11th (Monday)]