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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Abb,
You really are seeing a stbxww unravelling. I hereby permit you to add the letter c to the beginning of the acronym.

My thoughts are with you even if I cannot reply as often as would like right now.

I know that we will eventually get what is right.

I will attempt to Skype you later.

Aas


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tons of mojo heading your way, AD.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25756 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Tomorrow morning I am meeting CSTBXWW for an initial consult with kids' new psychiatrist. It will be the first time we will be alone together in a long time.

Add to that the acrimony and emotion that we are in, plus the fact that we fundamentally disagree regarding kids' meds, her declaration in her counter-petition that she should have sole decision-making power over kids' medical issues....

Suffice to say tensions will be running high. This will be harder than mediation. She will try to bully me and she will be baiting me. Or worse--she might be nice and try to Hoover me. I must exercise enormous restraint and self-control to get through it.

Advice is appreciated--or simply mojo. :-)

[This message edited by Abbondad at 9:18 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Volunteer nothing. Get her ideas. Take notes - bullet points, no emotions or judgments, as she could in a rage grab your notes.

Suggest only that you both interview the practitioners' orientation to care/treatment. Take notes in those interviews as well, volunteering nothing except concern for the wellbeing of your children.

Get her reasons for going the medication route - don't give any opinion back to counter her; rather, when you are with the potential practitioners, ask if there are alternatives to medication, such as stability, diet, activity, etc. that could negate the need for medication.

I suggest you pocket record the conversation, because you can then take it to your attorney for review and game-plan development. And protection.

ETA: Have a whole list of relevant questions like the one I suggested above, not just to get information from the practitioner, but also to demonstrate you've researched out many of the possible ways to care for your children.

[This message edited by k8la at 9:26 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2013
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a whole list of relevant questions like the one I suggested above

THIS.

You go in there with your folder and take out your typewritten list of prepared questions (with space for answers and your notes) and read off those. You are ULTRA PREPARED AND RESPONSIBLE.

Do NOT let her get you off track. She WILL try to steamroller (and/or hoover) you. She wants to make an 'impression' of a caring parent, but you will be showing that you are caring and responsible. More than capable of understanding the situation and making decisions.

Since it's a new p-doc, you'll want to get all the basics (where trained, how long in practice, typical approach to the problems your kids have, etc) along with more specifics on the proposed course of treatment/therapy.

Sending you loads of mojo, I have a feeling you're gonna need it.......

((((AD & kids))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, replying late as always, can't seem to keep up with S.I.! Best of luck with new psych, hope it is helpful for you and your little ones. Regarding STBXWW AKA crazy woman, I think she will get her ass handed to her in court:) My kids are older than yours & WH & I are attempting to R. As far as the kids having phones, I would say to try to restrict their access to things that they are just not old enough/ready to deal with. Don't know who your carrier is but for not much $ we were able to track their whereabouts through the carrier. Mine were old enough to figure out ways to work around it/disable it, turn it off, but your young ones probably would not go that route. You should be able to set up their phones so that they have limited access to the web etc... My daughter, now a young adult, still jokingly brings up the fact that she didn't get a cell until she was a teen. She is doing great in grad school, has a PT job & a terrific group of friends including a great boyfriend. Not having a phone didn't scar her for life! Best of luck, thinking good thoughts, and hoping you get some resolution & peace of mind! Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe you said who found this Dr. I believe that crazy woman is looking for a professional to have in her back pocket to use against you. First impressions are important for situations like this. Follow the advice about how to present yourself and stand back and give her plenty of room to hang herself. Stick to facts and keep feelings out of it. I bet she will bring enough of those to the table.

Don't be afraid to talk about the divorce in a matter of fact way but keep the details minimal. See if she explains more than you. Counter any lie she says with your opinion of the facts. Maybe have a list of concerns and examples of problems with the kids in addition to questions.

Take a deep breath before you walk in the room and remember that this is just another time to let her hang herself. Don't hide the crazy from the doctor.

You got this!


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just talked to DS.

They spent the day with STBXWW's boyfriend and "had fun." It hurts, very badly. But I am not devastated or freaking out. I think I am reaching acceptance. My children will eventually grasp just what their mother did and who she is.

But again, god, this hurts. It wouldn't be as bad if it were someone else, but the man who did his best to (deliberately or not, consciously or not) hurt my children and destroy my family? Just pure pain. Please, may karma some day come.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma will come. My ex couldn't wait to divorce me and more in w the ow. He crushed me..I didn't see it coming. One year later the grass isn't greener.Crying to come home, he wants his family back..he lost the best thing that ever happened to him...blah blah..too late but a day i never thought would come.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending mojo.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17851 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and to add to my previous post:

When the situation is reversed--that is, when I have a significant other with whom my children will spend time?--my STBXWW will absolutely flip out. Ironically, she has always been very jealous of me (though I never gave her any reason to be), and I'm sure my new relationship--especially when it involves the children--will give her a very special taste of what I have been and am going through.

But unlike her, I will wait months, even years if I have to after our divorce to incorporate another woman into my children's world. They have been through enough already.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tomorrow morning I am meeting CSTBXWW for an initial consult with kids' new psychiatrist. It will be the first time we will be alone together in a long time.

Try not to be alone with her. If you get there first, find the restroom, let her leave first, etc. You won't be alone, you'll be with the psychiatrist, and try to keep it that way.

Good luck!


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2795 | Registered: Feb 2006
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ABD)))

I was away from SI for a long weekend, and missed a lot.

I just wanted to say Hooray for Friday's goings on. And am anxious to hear how things went today with the new Psych. I also want to let you know from the medical field prospective, that it takes quite a bit for an MD to fire a pt. and that is essentially what your sons psych did. He was tired of the drama, and probably felt like he was being limited on his ability to treat your son as well as he would normally.

I also agree with minimizing the meds as much as possible, as a kid he needs some support to deal with the Tourette's and OCD, but he also needs to know who he is as a person, and often all those psych meds prevent that. What happends when he becomes and adolsecent, and is struggling with even more difficult life issues? He needs to learn coping methods as opposed to take a pill to feel calm, take another to not feel sad etc.

I hope all went well, and look forward to your update, and stay strong AD, You will make it through this.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bro, hope things went well today. I'm in full agreement with TN about the meds. I am a little concerned over the CSTBXWW's desires to continually seek meds for your kids. Yep, it's tough to deal with this situation, but medicating your child in order for her to have an easier time dealing with him is wrong. I know that you have voiced concern over this issue before. How did that go?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2993 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick report on the pediatric psych visit:

STBXWW was FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE.

So much for being the responsible one capable of making rational decisions on behalf of our children.

It gave me plenty of time to speak with the doc alone, IYKWIM.

True to form, she rolls in informing us that she has "her own medical problems." And then leaves to go to the bathroom.

I am fairly certain she is pregnant.

She blathered on about how riddled with problems our DD is (hyper-active, OCD, tics, anxiety, you name it). I countered with (after informing the doc alone that with me, DD is the happiest, most "normal" child I know--despite the horrors foisted upon her.

I also produced an email sent by DD's teacher proclaiming DD a joy in the classroom--not at all hyperactive, no discernible tics, just happy happy.

WW went dead when she read this and tried blabbed about how "the teacher doesn't really know DD..." and "Kids have an ability to hide how they feel..." The psychiatrist just stared at her.

Uh, her teacher spends all day with her, five days a week, and has since mid-August.

Guess what: DD acts like this when she is WITH YOU.

No responsibility. NOTHING penetrates this woman's world. No logic, nothing.

Anyway, doc does not recommend any additional meds at this time but does want her to begin more frequent therapy. Fine with me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it takes quite a bit for an MD to fire a pt.

STBXWW's psychiatrist fired her. Don't know the story behind that one. Then she went to another, whom she abruptly discontinued treatment. Now she's on her third. That's three in one year.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as what's best for your DD and starting off a productive relationship with the new psych, that could not have gone better from the sound of things.

I am fairly certain she is pregnant.
I have no words for this, AD. How are you doing with that potential?


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25756 | Registered: Aug 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds as though it went as well as can be! Good.

I shudder at the thought of her having more kids. Fortunately, that will not be your problem.

You're doing a great job with your kids.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pregnant? you better get with your lawyer on that one. You certainly don't want to get stuck paying for that one.

Although, it might be just thing to get what you want. And she might just give in to keep her image "pure" in the legal sense, to keep her AP off the stand. Your lawyer should know how to play this to its full potential.

It sure was easy to stand back and let her crazy shine.

Keep doing what your doing. It will all work out in the end.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no words for this, AD. How are you doing with that potential?

I am "OK" I suppose. I am not annihilated or shocked, as I sure would have been six months ago. It'll probably hit me later.

But what I saw next to me was such a train wreck, such a confused, clueless woman who just made such a mess of herself and her life and wreaked such havoc in the lives of her family. As she clutched her abdomen in pain and darted off to the restroom, somewhere in me I finally found some pang of pity.

I could very well be wrong about this, but after being with someone for twelve years through two pregnancies? I am pretty sure.

I will say one thing: she did not seem happy over there on the other side of the fence. That grass looked quite withered.

I am so sad for my children.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 2:21 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
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