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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you asked them why they don't like being with their mom?

I am reluctant to ask DS directly lest my inquiry make it back to her and I'm accused of parental alienation.

To clarify: it is my DS only who wants to come home to me. He happily goes off with his mom, but immediately begins bickering with his sister. And then it escalates, he gets extremely agitated that his mom "takes her side" and ends up wanting to leave.

So most of it I believe is run-of-the-mill vying for parental attention. Problem is, she just does not know what to do with them except run to stores and buy them things.

A lot of it is a result of where she decided to move when she left: a kid-unfriendly apt. near the beach, tiny little place. It was all for her, not with the kids in mind.

She supposedly is planning to rent a house in a kid-friendly neighborhood when her lease is up in a few months. God help me, it is just a few miles from me. AND in our latest phone-war she actually alluded to the possibility of us "circulating" out of our home.

All I said to this was a firm "No," but what I was thinking was "Over my dead body will you move back in, hoover, continue your affair, and complete your destruction of our children by confusing them utterly."

This will never happen.

What has happened is this, I believe: our children have become detached from her. They no longer ask about her, they never say they miss her any more, are indifferent to talking to her on the phone.

Tonight my DS called her and I overheard him saying, "What's the matter? Why are you crying?"

This is the bed she has made for herself.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AD,

I haven't been posting on your thread because you've been doing so well, but I had to chime in here.

What your CSTBXW is doing is fucking your kid up. The crying is an attempt to make him feel guilty and manipulate him. Clearly, she is losing him and this is her way to try to reel him back in. This is incredibly damaging to him. Please let his therapist and school counselor know that this is happening. Her head is so far up her ass she can see out her nose at this point. She has absolutely NO regard for how damaging her behavior is to those two kids. Thank God they have YOU!

(((((HUGS))))) to you and your littles.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with CM. You MUST take action to force her to stop crying in front of your child(ren). My STBX did this EVERY time on the phone and EVERY time he saw the children. He'd sob & make their hair wet with tears & snot. He emotionally traumatized them. They felt completely responsible for making Daddy cry. Eventually he was able to twist it so that *I* was responsible for making Daddy cry, so everyone was mad at Mean Old Mommy. I had to get my lawyer involved several times to force this to stop.

Crying in front of the children is wrong. The way she's doing it is wrong. It's one thing to cry for ten seconds when you have a rare moment of big feelings from the divorce. IT's something else to cry so much and so hard that your children feel responsible. That does severe psychological damage.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone.

WW's response to my petition is coming in today. I find myself very nervous, very anxious, wondering just how bad the lies will be, how much new hurt to expect, how low she will stoop in her anger at me.

I know, out of my control, let her rant and lie to her attorney, facts and documentation are on my side. Still, I know it will be an emotional blow.

(I will do what I can about the crying business, but I doubt it will make a difference; she does what she wants.)

Clearly I am feeling a bit helpless, hopeless and despondent today.:-)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Abb,

We are in the same place, emotionally, you and I. We are worrying about things we have no control over. It is natural and to be expected. We are putting the future happiness of our children in the hands of women who can only think of themselves or how they can hurt the father who dared divorce them. It is really crap.

I see so many women on here complainng that their dumbass exWH doesn't want to be with the kids. It annoys the fuck out of me that I want to see more of them but can't.

Remember that you have integrity and dignity and the truth will come out eventually.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Everyone.
She is starting again with the "Please pick them up at my place in the morning and take them to the bus stop, as I have to leave early to work."

Third time we've been through this BS.

I wrote back verbatim what I've written before:

"I will not pick them up to take them to school Tuesday morning 10/22.

If you (or I) have the kids overnight on a school night then it is that parent's responsibility to get them to school the next morning. If you are unable to get them to the bus I will be glad to take them Monday day or evening."

I copied and pasted my posting from last week because there is no point to posting anew. Today she texted me AGAIN telling me to pick them up to take them to the bus! Three days after she had already asked! So I just copied and pasted my response in my reply text!

(So this makes at least the fifth time she has asked/told me and the fifth time I said NO.)

This is EVERY week now we go through this song-and-dance. At this point it is so absurd I don't even become particularly angry. I just wonder (yeah, I know it's pointless):

IS she consciously "yanking my chain" as Tushnurse suggests? I really don't think so. I really believe she is simply that clueless, thinking that nothing has changed: she is in control, and if she just says it enough times I will bow to her wishes. Like in the "old days" before I rediscovered my testicles.

Just...weird, these NPDs...

Bracing myself for the weekend drama that's sure to come.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 6:27 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night kids and I had a great time. I told them I'd take them to Toys r Us if they cleaned the house. They leaped into action and just had a wonderful time cleaning--music on, dancing, sweeping. They were just euphoric.

In the middle of this WW called to say goodnight. DS politely listened, but was too impatient to talk. She asked to speak with DD, who refused, shouting to DS, "Tell her I'm too happy and dancing!"

Sixty-second goodnight "conversation."

I took no vindictive pleasure in the above. On the contrary, it made me profoundly sad. This and a thousand little scenes like this comprised our happy days of the past. WW should have been beside me in the car as we zoomed to the toy store as she used to be, her hand intertwined with mine as our kids excitedly discussed in the back seat what they were going to buy, vowing they'd clean the house every day from now on (yeah, right:-)

I know I shouldn't indulge myself in these thoughts, but I know all of you can relate. This is what she left. Just gave it up.

I got over my sadness for the most part--much more easily and quickly than I used to--but it is still painful and perplexing. What else in life could be better than this??

How must she have felt when she heard this scene on the phone? I sure know how I would feel--like I wanted to die, just crushed into the dirt with remorse and longing.

Just wanted to express...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Abbondad)) You won't always feel this way but for now, I know exactly how you feel.

I used to think 'what a fucking waste' in terms of everything we all lost because of his toxic choices.

I still think that but in a different way. I know think 'what a fucking waste' in terms of the investment I put into that broken sack of shit. The years I wasted yearning for a glimpse of the man I thought I married.

I doubt she feels anything but anger towards you for doing this to her.

Fuck her. Fuck her and the man-whores she rode in on.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, STBXWW's response has been filed.

She wants exclusive use of and rights to the marital home (which she moved out of--twice).

She wants child support.

She wants majority time-sharing or at least 50%.

Wants sole responsibility for children's medical care, claiming I suffer from a medical disorder (Tourette's Syndrome) which hinder my ability to make rational decisions in the children's best interest.

Denies my need for spousal support (she has always made around twice as much as me).

That's all I was able to stomach. Very upsetting.

Please offer support and encouragement.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the business part of it. Negotiation is all that is going on. She asks for the moon and you counter back with your moon and then it gets broke down from there.

Do not get all caught up with what she asked for, That is what she WANTS, not what she will get in the long run. You have documentation, great coaches, a solid lawyer and all of us cheering you thru this.

Please don't tell me you are in the least bit surprised. She pulled a low one calling into account your TS problems. If they were so out of control, why did she have kids with you and leave you with them so much? You can fight that one no problem with your documentation. As for wondering if you should bring AP into this, I think you have your answer now. She will stoop to any level to win. So don't hesitate to expose all of her evilness in court now.

you got this.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, you do realize that it's standard for the respondent to go for the maximum possible, or allowable, in the negotiating process. Please don't let her responses throw you; they're actually pretty predictable, except the low blow about the Tourette's. You definitely want to have expert medical documentation that explains the nature of the illness and the fact the it does NOT affect your decision-making abilities. Try to stay calm and stay the course, it will get rougher before you get to your goal. All good luck to you during this process!


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 396 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Pie in the Sky" is very normal at this stage. The sad clown did it too.

They start high so it looks like they're mediating when they go down.

I know its hard but please don't borrow worry just yet. Imagine you're playing chess - she has just moved a pawn, friend. This is not a Check.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep the court dad. You have your documentation, you know she's full of it, you know she can't do 50%, she proves it every week. Your lawyer will know what the response is.

As for her saying your TS hinders your parenting? F her!!!! I work with people with disabilities, and I know of NO instance where TS is that "terrible" that you can't make decisions. What the heck is she smoking??? It's not like you have something that distorts your thinking!!! Frack! I hate her for you.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is that the best she could come up with? Your TS makes you "unable" to make rational decisions for the kids?
Pffft. She's reaching (and not very far, I might add).
As the previous posters have said, stay the course.
You have mountains of proof that she cannot handle 50% let alone majority. You have proof that you are a good and stable father.
She's just (as always) trying to make herself look like something she definitely is not.
Hell, I'd be surprised if she really DOES want 50+%, but feels she has to fight for it to a) piss you off, and b) avoid her looking like a shity parent.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6528 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone. Keep the support coming!

While I had steeled myself for this, it still stings, particularly the Tourettes aspect. I have a mild case (as do both my kids!), and it most certainly does NOT affect my ability to make rational decisions. Just absurd. I have been a college professor lecturing on a daily basis for twenty years. If it has inhibited me at all this would not be the case. If you know anything about TS, you know how pathetic this charge is.

Still it hurts, as she always claimed she found it endearing and "one of the reasons she loved me." Snort.

As for her suddenly wanting the marital home, I certainly would hope that the fact that she moved out almost a year ago--and then moved in and back out--is my strong card.

In any event, this shows that it really is about her--not the children. Can you imagine? Mommy moves out (kids traumatized), Mommy moves back in (kids elated), Mommy moves back out (kids re-traumatized), then--when the kids finally settle in with Daddy in their home--Mommy moves back in and DADDY moves out?

I would hope any judge would see the harm this would do the children.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You nailed this on the head, this is ALL about her and her fucked-upness and not anything else. She's willing to sacrifice the children on the altar of her ego. Well, good. She's shown her hand and shown you what she's willing to do and sacrifice so that she Feels Good About Herself.

So go for the jugular. Ask for exclusive use of the house. 100% custody. Life-long spousal support. Child support and university support. Her to pay 100% of debits and your court costs. Ask for the moon, just as she is. You won't get it, of course, any more than she'll get everything that she is asking for, but that's just the negotiating start.

Hell, ask her to send over one of her farting, rainbow-colored unicorns as well, with pretty purple ribbons braided into it's mane! Can't hurt!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4928 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, that pisses me off. My son, my father, and my uncle have Tourette. It in no way has anything to do with their ability to make decisions. Your wife is a moron. Shame on her for the implication that Tourette Syndrome is some sort of mental disorder.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4145 | Registered: Sep 2005
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's all lawyer BS.

Standard reply. No worries at all. Your attorney will be non-plussed by the whole thing. This is how it starts.

What you have to remember now is that D is a business deal. Let your attorney conduct business. Don't get too upset by anything she says or does in D paperwork. Its all designed to provoke you and get the best possible deal for her. Don't even discuss it with her outside of attorneys


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I meant to comment on this:

This is EVERY week now we go through this song-and-dance. At this point it is so absurd I don't even become particularly angry. I just wonder (yeah, I know it's pointless):

IS she consciously "yanking my chain" as Tushnurse suggests? I really don't think so. I really believe she is simply that clueless, thinking that nothing has changed: she is in control, and if she just says it enough times I will bow to her wishes. Like in the "old days" before I rediscovered my testicles.

I have a thought why she is doing this every week. But her thinking is backwards. SHE thinks by asking you to drive to her house each monday morning to take the kids to school and you saying no, that she's showing that you are not co-operative to the courts.

What this is REALLY showing is that she can't manage to do the mornings. Also, by you stating EACH TIME that you cannot do that in the morning, but if she wishes to return them to you Sunday night, you will get them off to school, it shows that you CAN look after getting them to school reasonably. There isn't a problem with you not driving across town and back each morning. There's a problem with her.

So, she thinks she's getting brownie points for court by doing this, but she's really shooting herself in the foot custody wise.

My 2 cents.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for wondering if you should bring AP into this, I think you have your answer now.

I was thinking about this, yes, of course. He was the one who helped engineer the destruction of my family, the pain of my children--and no doubt has been behind the scenes preparing all her paperwork.

How might this be done? What could be the rationale?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
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