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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. But I am growing more and more confident that our mediation for temporary orders will be an utter waste of time and money, as she will give no ground. It will go before a judge. I sort of hope it will.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there dad, you're doing great. I hope you get a judge who opens a great big can of reality mindfuck on her and her ridiculous circus.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17341 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Everyone.

She is starting again with the "Please pick them up at my place in the morning and take them to the bus stop, as I have to leave early to work."

Third time we've been through this BS.

I wrote back verbatim what I've written before:

"I will not pick them up to take them to school Tuesday morning 10/22.

If you (or I) have the kids overnight on a school night then it is that parent's responsibility to get them to school the next morning. If you are unable to get them to the bus I will be glad to take them the day or night before. Just let me know in a timely manner."

Good?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup - She is just yankin your chain.

Between the bedtime bullshit yesterday, and now this crap. I would love for karma to give her a big ole dose of what's coming to her sooner than later.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8249 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Employ the broken record technique each time for this.

She is a slow learner, still hopes she can control you.

Please don't get upset if you only get 50%. This isn't final, its not over until the kids age out at 18. You have years ahead of you. Things change.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Dropped off kids with WW less than one hour ago. She is to have them until Sunday morning. Within fifteen minutes he called me crying that he doesn't want to be there.

WW gets on the phone and rambles on about how he is having trouble adjusting and I may have to get him tomorrow. I said sure.

Then she went off on me, threatening me that I'd better not use this against her, that I will not have them more than 50%, etc.

She said he suddenly is behaving worse. I told her his psychologist informed me that she had introduced her to her boyfriend and DS is not taking that well.

WELL: she just flipped out when I said this. "I will NOT talk about that, I could tell you some things that his psychologist is concerned about YOU. And then more threats... I decided to just go silent and let her rant.

Her: "blah blah blah if you stay silent I will take that to mean that you do not intend to co parent with me in the best interests of the children...blah blah... You're still silent? Fine, I have my answer, you will regret this...best interest of the children.... I don't want to have this conversation any more."

Me after this diatribe: "OK, goodbye." Click.

Oh. My god. She is really losing it. Guess I touched a sore spot hinting that perhaps introducing our son so soon to her AP is not the wisest move since he is in such a delicate emotional place and does not need anything else "new" in his life right now.

I'm glad I kept my composure, spoke calmly throughout, and then when I saw that that was not even working, went silent and finally hung up.

She is truly losing it. Any of course it is all. My fault.

Welcome to my weekend, and her thirty-four hours with our children.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I'm confused. Is she taking them EVERY weekend? And returning them early EVERY weekend? Returning early aside...how is weekends equating to 50/50?

Sorry you have to put up with her rants. You did the right thing though. Next time, just say you can talk to me when you are calm. I won't be spoken to like that, and hang up. Bitch.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5430 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How dare you not feed her ego kibbles, Abbondad! When she is upset about something you are supposed to engage her in kind. It makes her feel important and powerful. Only a big meanie would deny her of her precious kibbles.

Posts: 1657 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, I'm confused. Is she taking them EVERY weekend? And returning them early EVERY weekend? Returning early aside...how is weekends equating to 50/50?

Yes, it's been every weekend for around three months--since she started her new job. But sometimes she will take them for extended periods.

For example, last week she had them for four days. It is very haphazard and unpredictable, though. She only knows her work schedule maybe one week in advance--at the most one and a half. (I don't know how this fact will play out in mediation or before a judge.).

Compare with me: I have a strict schedule--always have. Monday through Friday, 7:00 AM - 2:00 PM.

In any case, in terms of HOURS with the kids, I've been steady for three months at around 85 hours a week with them. Or around 21/31 days a month.

Simple answer: it does not amount to 50% for her and won't, at least with her job.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if your little guy might be overhearing her when she talks to you like that. If so that must be very frightening for him.

All the more reason to not engage by phone since she always takes this direction.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Very important posting:

I have one week to submit my interrogatories to my WW's attorney.

The financial/history part is tedious, but I'll get it done.

Here is the crucial part, at the end of the document:

"Detail your proposed parenting plan for the minor children, including your proposed time-sharing plan. Alternatively, attach a copy of your proposed parenting plan.

If you are claiming that the other parent's contact, or time-sharing with the minor children should be limited...state your reasons and all facts upon which you rely to support your claim."

I find I am a bit paralyzed as to where and how to begin. Do I just go with a narrative? Attach documentation? Is this where the "battle" begins?

With everything you know about my situation and history, please advise.

Thank you so very much.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Detail your proposed parenting plan for the minor children, including your proposed time-sharing plan. Alternatively, attach a copy of your proposed parenting plan.

If you are claiming that the other parent's contact, or time-sharing with the minor children should be limited...state your reasons and all facts upon which you rely to support your claim."

Of course, show your lawyer EVERYTHING before submitting, making sure he likes the way you have put it.

A couple of things..I don't think I would put it at ALL that you are trying to "limit" her time with them...I don't think the courts will go for that, as she isn't abusive (in their eyes....the way your son is reacting to her words and actions *I* consider her abusive) or neglecting them. I would go more this way:

Records from the past 3 months show that WW is only able to spend XX time with the kids, not 50%. For the past month, I have been allowing her to have time every weekend in order for her to maximize her involvement, but for the long run, I do want some weekends with the kids myself. (Do NOT give up every weekend FOREVER...you would never be able to do anything fun with them!) I propose that the children need a set schedule for their routine. With me as primary, WW's visitation schedule should be eow (so you get some weekend time too). When WW is in town, she may have 4-8pm on Mon, Tue and Thursdays in order to spend time with the children."

Something like that. You need some weekend/downtime with the children too. They need time at home, not being shuffled all over. Definitely give yourself some weekends...even if you do it you get one out of 3 to maximize her time...you need it too. Offer whatever nights during the week, for dinner, not sleeping over, as you can prove WW is "having difficulty getting the children to the bus on school mornings". Make it set nights during the week, for 3-4 hours, that she can have, WHEN SHE'S IN TOWN. I'd give the "extra" night (ie 3 instead of 2, as you know she will not be able to 90% of the time...makes you look generous) or at least offer the 3rd night on weekends she won't have the kids.

I say you can't write it up like "I want 100%, full custody, supervised only for her" as you know that isn't going to fly. But, I would write it up 80/20 or so, citing her work habits and use your documentation to prove you do deserve more than 50/50...knowing you won't get 80/20, but perhaps the courts will say yep, she ain't cuttin' it...70/30. Have 65/35 or so be your "must" in your head...asking for more so there is negotiating room in her mind. This is where all your documentation will work for you.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5430 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saturday night, so as usual DS just called me for his mom's hysterically crying for me to pick him up. Says "Everyone is crying" (meaning DS and WW).

I can't get him as I am too far away and had to tell him.

Torture every weekend. Please remind me this will get better........


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AD. I've been wondering..for awhile now...what is going on at mom's house that the kids NEVER want to be there?

I think it might be more than the divorce and mom's boyfriend.

Your WW isn't mentally stable. She is very emotional,and has shown you she has no problem using her children to hurt you and/or get her way.

Are the kids safe with her,AD? I know. You're first reaction is to say, "of course!"

Just..please. Think about it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please stop talking to her AD. Just stop. Don't even talk to her about the kids except via sms/email and even then just discuss the essentials like logistics and the like. No more commentary. Don't listen to hers and don't give her any of your own.

You are well beyond the scope of co-parenting. I have been parallel parenting for over a year now. It does have aspects of co-parenting but that only happens in extraneous circumstances like illness and the like.

If she is escalating whatever the fuck emotional abuse she is doing to them to get a reaction out of you then you need to build a skill-set to try to avoid or deflect it. Unfortunately this is not illegal to emotionally abuse your kids. I've heard the term 'parental alienation' bandied about here but it seems to be a tool used by non-primary carers to torture primary carers. I may be wrong but that is my gut feel.

I hope you can get your kids away from that toxic, fucked up piece of shit.

What does their IC say about this - these calls? About how should you be handling them? WHY doesn't he want to be there? Just because he wants to be with you? Is there something else going on?

If he just wants to be with you then I would be asking the IC for advice as to how to discuss this with him. That this arrangement cannot be changed in the immediate future.

Him calling distressed and upset and you rushing over to rescue him may be enabling his anxiety, rather than helping him manage it. It may very well be the fact that they spend so little time together he feels being there is a punishment or something.

In all honesty - fuck me if I have the any fucking idea of what I would do in your shoes. I HAVE to send my kids over there, no choice about it. I also HAVE to rescue them if they called me in hysterics. But at some point I'd have to start looking at other options because this is not feasible long term

This simply can't go on. Not for him, DD or for you.

I have such a pain in the pit of my stomach reading this. I could easily throw up right now. I can only imagine what this is like for your kids, for you. I am so very sorry friend.

Please let me know what their IC suggests about how to handle this going forward.

I wish she would


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what is going on at mom's house that the kids NEVER want to be there?

Thank you. My honest answer is this: Nothing nefarious or insidious. My WW simply cannot handle them. She never could. In the nine years we were together with the kids in our home, this is what happened on a daily/nightly basis:

"Abbondad, could you please take them/handle them? I can't deal with it. I will be in bed/shopping/resting...."

And I took over. She has no boundaries, cannot enforce rules, is simply overwhelmed by the behavior of a six and nine year old.

She can barely take care of herself. I don't exaggerate. It was like living with three children. I did EVERYthing.

But that is all that is going on. If I really thought there was anything dangerous on any level, they would be out of there and I would be going for sole custody.

Here is what happened this morning when I picked them up (earlier than scheduled, as DS wanted to come right home; WW did not object):

DD would not get out of WW's car. Throwing a tantrum. I let this go on for five minutes as WW struggled with her, then walked over, talked to DD, picked her up, and put her in my car. No fuss. She knows I have my rules and boundaries and will enforce them.

As for WW: She looked haggard and defeated. Absently called me "Honey." Whatever.

She got back into her car, hung her head, and burst into tears.

This is the world she has created for herself.

Allatsea, we follow each other's threads closely. If you are reading this, know that all is not what it seems in between our WW's "hating us." (Not twenty-four hours before this, WW was threatening me and railing against me on the phone.)

I'm sure my WW headed straight off to spend the rest of her day, kid-free, with her POS.

Good luck to her and to him with her.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea AD. If the little's calls to you are due mainly to his unhappiness with the new *reality*, as opposed to actual mis-treatment <or whatever> by your stbxww, then you and his IC need to help him learn coping skills to deal with this new life. Continuing to rescue him is not helping him move forward and through the situation, it's keeping him *stuck* and making it worse. [That is NOT a criticism of how you are handling the situation. It is so, so hard to know what the *right* thing to do is when you are placed in that situation. I'm just trying to look at it objectively (as opposed to emotionally) and to consider the *bigger*, long-term picture.]

IMO, the placement schedule that you are doing right now is NOT WORKING. It is NOT WORKING for your kids (well, your DS at least, you don't say much about how your DD is handling it). If your stbxww is taking the kids during the week, then she should NOT be having them Every.Single.Weekend. You deserve some *down-time* with the kids too.

Your kids are small, so when you look at an ideal placement plan, you have to consider how it is going to work *long-term*. For example: before stbx and I had any type of mediated child-sharing plan in place, the temp orders said that he could have the kids 2 overnights during the week and he had to let me know by Sunday which 2 nights he wanted. As a temporary plan, I could do that. But when I thought about long-term.....there's no way that schedule would work. My life would be held forever hostage at his *whim*. How could I plan anything if I didn't know when he was to have the kids? Answer: I couldn't. Now if I had family/friends around who could watch the kids for me in case there was something that I wanted to do, then perhaps it would have worked for me. But I didn't. Plus, I think that it is really helpful for the kids (especially as they get older and become more involved in activities that require *stuff*) to know where they are gonna be and when.

You will not be trying to *limit* her time with them. You will be asking for a schedule that works for everyone involved, with the least amount of upheaval.

So as you write out your parenting plan, consider what works *best* for the kids. Put aside what your stbxww *wants* and the fact that your suggestion is going to piss her off. She's going to be pissed off no matter what. Your stbxww *wants* 50/50, but from what you posted about her schedule, that seems unrealistic as a practical, long-term matter. You have a job that is in town and has set hours (7-2). She has a job that requires out-of-town travel and often occurs at the spur of the moment (according to her, anyway). If her spur-of-the-moment trips were few and far between, it might be workable. But these last-minute trips seem to occur quite frequently.

Based on those facts, your situation would seem to call for your stbxww to have the kids 1 overnight a week and every other weekend. Weekends could mean Friday-Sunday afternoon or Friday-getting kids to school on Monday. Whatever works best for the kids and for you. Or maybe 1 overnight and a dinner on an additional night. Or if the weekday overnights are proving to be too difficult to pin down and manage, then 2 weekday dinners with her.

And do NOT give up ALL of the weekends to her.

And just FYI, every clause in my parenting agreement begins with "unless mutually agreed upon....." So write up a plan that is going to *work* ideally, knowing that it is not set in stone in case someone wants to make a *change* every once in a while. Also, remember that it will be entered as a court order. The courts around here take stability for the kids very seriously and will not allow the plans to be changed (officially by the court) every 5 seconds......so MAKE SURE that you are comfortable with whatever plan you end up agreeing to. And don't agree just because you are tired of fighting stbxww on something. Like if she's going to insist on having the kids every weekend, don't just give up and say okay. Let that issue go before the judge. I can't imagine that any judge would allow one parent to have ALL of the weekends (barring really extenuating circumstances.)

And remember that you are NOT being punitive towards your stbxww. You are only trying to find a schedule that works well for your kids, first, and your stbxww and you, secondly.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Gonnabe , for taking such time with your response. Very helpful.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what happens when she can't handle them? Does she yell? Hurt their feelings? How is she treating them when they're there? She can't be making them feel loved and welcomed in her home because they call you crying to come get them EVERY time.

I don't know. Maybe she isn't *doing* anything to them. But she also isn't doing anything to make them want to be around her.

At their age, those kids should WANT to be with mommy. And daddy,too,of course. But kids that age can be a little clingy when it comes to mom. I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old..when they need anything,they find me. It's me they want to cuddle with before bed. It's me they seek out when they want to talk. Not that my WH isn't involved..it's just so odd to me that your kids don't want to be around her. As a mother, I don't understand. (or it's possible my kids are all just clingy..lol)

Have you asked them why they don't like being with their mom?


Your WW is out of control. She doesn't put the kids first..did she ever? She is always calling you to get them early,or do something for them when it's her time with them. Maybe they just sense that mom doesn't want them around?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ThisHell
♀ Member
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^this^^^


Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

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