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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They do know how to drag our hearts around, don't they?

You are doing amazingly well, though. I don't know if I could be as strong as that in the event that CSTBXWW started being nice to me.

Keep it up

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:18 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 685 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But my funk continues... Can't sleep, incessant dreams of her (not of her returning, but of perpetually leaving), endless analysis of her actions. Ugh. I thought I was well past this. I have therapy tomorrow, so that will be helpful.

The best analysis is that her NEW lawyer got her to focus on the end game. The check, the latest change in behavior, is just what you have said ...a mask.

I do wonder if her entitled ass will be able 'play nice' for any significant amount of time. The idea of 'winning'(cause IMO that is how she looks at it) is probably pretty intoxicating to her. So be careful not to assign her actions as anything other than trying to wrestle the title 50/50 out of it. It is about saving the cash and being able to say she has 50/50 even as she is incapable of doing it.

[This message edited by redrock at 7:21 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, it hurts when they are nice. Good for you on keeping your game face on when you saw her.

If it's any consolation, this website shows all of us that there really are caring, compassionate people out there who have been thru this also, and that not everyone is like your WS and my WS.

In my case, after the divorce XWH was even more unavailable for the kids. It's to hurt me, try to get a fight out of me, and he and OW are selfish people.

It still gets to me, but I gotta stay centered as I am watching XWH change before my very eyes. I really have been given the charge of giving my children a happy childhood.

I treat XH like an uncle we see sometimes (because that's all he's capable of),kids and I have our own awesome life. They seem to be adjusting better now. I got them into band at their school and it keeps them really busy, focused, lots of friends, etc.

Keep forging ahead!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,k

STBXWW has requested a Motion for Extension of Time to File a Responsive Pleading. So she never even responded to the Petition. Not surprising at all. But frustrating. My attorney is holding her and her A's feet to the fire: "Without further discussion I will give you ten more days."

(AND she has only around ten more days to get her financials in.)

What happens if she misses deadlines?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she drags her feet all the time, it will piss the judge off eventually. Is there a deadline for divorce proceeding in your state? In mine they have to be done in 3 years. My brother's went for 3 yrs 3months and they fought over nothing. Judge was fed up at the end.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, All,

Well, it's Friday, and if you've been a loyal follower of this thread, you know that Friday is the day SHE comes back to town (assuming she was even out of town; she could be lying), and you know what THAT means: trouble for me!

(All the above said in hearty TV announcer voice)

--She was supposed to take the kids to the doc's for flu shots. Texted me asking what time. I told her I'd told her the time in an Email dated 9/16, or she could check Google calendar.

Instead she cancelled the appointment without asking/conferring with me, or course.

--She promised the kids she would pick them up at the bus stop at 2:00. Instead she asked the neighbor if she could get them, and tells me she would come at 4:00.

Of course without conferring with me first. I am home. I can get them.

--I have to leave at 3:30. Texted her this, that I'd made plans when she TOLD me she would be here at 2:00 to get the kids and take them to the doc's. I am keeping those plans.

No response.

Thus begins my weekend "without" the kids.

This shit is going to end with court orders, right??? Please?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a deadline for divorce proceeding in your state?

I don't know, TN. But She is coming to the house to get tax returns and other documents, so I guess her attorney is telling her to move her ass.

(No I will not be helping her find these documents, as you can be sure she will ask for my help, oblivious to the irony and outrage of it, and will become angry when I refuse.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH AD, I would have that shit sitting out for her, and wrap it with a pretty bow. No need to have her nosing around, and certainly will let her know that you want her ass to get moving as well. You are done waiting, and you are done lettingher be in charge.



Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH AD, I would have that shit sitting out for her, and wrap it with a pretty bow. No need to have her nosing around, and certainly will let her know that you want her ass to get moving as well. You are done waiting, and you are done lettingher be in charge.

Ditto.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suddently the STBXWW is being quite the proactively communicative, cordial one: she is giving me an actual co-parenting schedule, wants to go WITH me to his doctors' appointments,keeping me informed of what she is doing with them when she has them, offering me money, etc.

I don't buy it. Sorry. It's just such a radical abrupt change. I trust her not one ounce

^^^^Sept 29th

--She was supposed to take the kids to the doc's for flu shots. Texted me asking what time. I told her I'd told her the time in an Email dated 9/16, or she could check Google calendar.

Instead she cancelled the appointment without asking/conferring with me, or course.

--She promised the kids she would pick them up at the bus stop at 2:00. Instead she asked the neighbor if she could get them, and tells me she would come at 4:00.

Of course without conferring with me first. I am home. I can get them.

--I have to leave at 3:30. Texted her this, that I'd made plans when she TOLD me she would be here at 2:00 to get the kids and take them to the doc's. I am keeping those plans.

No response.

^^^^Oct 4th

"MORE ROPE PLEASE???"

This shit is going to end with court orders, right??? Please?

Depends what you mean. The reality is, custody will probably be awarded to you. You are obviously the responsible one, she is not. Her irresponsibility won't end with orders. She will probably continue her "games". You just have to decide not to play.

Strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2828 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. I hate to keep venting about these details, as I suspect this BS will continue regardless of court orders, as 545 says.

But it drives me crazy:

I told my DD that Mommy was picking her up at the bus at 2:00. WW texts me that the neighbor will get her since she (WW) will be late again.

I text her that I'd told DD Mommy was getting her at the bus (and was excited that she'd see Mommy after six days, though I didn't say this part to WW).

WW texts me that she'd called DD at school and told her of the changed plans. Again: no asking/telling/conferring with me first. She makes any goddamn unilateral decision she wants regardless of whom it affects: children, me, neighbors.

I assume her attorney has explained the whole concept of First Rights of Refusal?

BTW she has seven days to respond to my petition. And this is with an extension. The clock is ticking.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely, positively, do NOT feel bad/guilty about posting here......EVER! Nowhere have I been able to find a better sounding board than this community. The cumulative experience here should be documented and put into book form and required reading before even being allowed to date!

Seriously, you've got a good handle on things. You're even able to take your hands off the bar on some of the wilder rollercoaster swings now.

But it drives me crazy:

Don't play her game. When making plans, assume that she'll find a way to try to screw with you. Forewarned and all that.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2828 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Last night lying in bed with my 6YO DD, she said something that has been chilling me:

"Mommy said she might have a baby and I can help take care of it."

Maybe she misunderstood, maybe it meant something else, but I will be honest: I am scared. If she is pregnant or planning to become pregnant with her AP, I dont know what l will do.

Knowing how her mind "works," this would be consistent: prove that their love is real by making a new family with him.

I know I can't control her and her life is her own, but if true, this will, in my opinion, be the worst, most vile, selfish thing she could do to our children. They need all her attention and love--such as it is--and my DS already is so distressed that Mommy has a boyfriend that is not his Daddy, and that is why Daddy is divorcing this.

(He figured this all out on his own; I've never said anything to him.)

God, I hope I'm wrong and paranoid and she hasn't gone that far off the deep end. But she was in our house today and I see that she'd taken down from a closet our children's old baby clothes.

Talk me down, please. Will nothing stop her? Please, don't do this to our children. At least wait a few years until the dust settles after our divorce and they have adjusted to their new lives. They are not there yet.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:34 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

--She promised the kids she would pick them up at the bus stop at 2:00. Instead she asked the neighbor if she could get them, and tells me she would come at 4:00.

AD, I say this as gently as I can, knowing you are frustrated and hurting some right now, but I do think you need to pick one stance or the other. In the past you have posted about her approaching you about time changes and you shut her down. In this case, she couldn't make the time, so she did not approach you and yet you are still frustrated.

As far as her promising them 2:00 - I have formed a bit of a parenting rule for myself - never, ever promise anything unless I am 100% sure I can do it, BUT sometimes things so happen and try as you may, you just can't do xyorz. I have no idea what she is up to, but legitimate things so sometimes happen. I would hope when our wife picked them up, she apologized profusely and assured them of her love. Disappointment is a part of life that kids should not necessarily always be shielded from. It is how the adults react to it that can make it a positive or negative learning experience.

And in the party thing, as I caught your reply, if you don't think you can do it, definitely don't! Your son will for sure pick up on the negativity you feel about it and it will just put a damper on the day. You'll know when/if you're ready to deal with that, but I don't think it always has to be excluded for fear of confusion for the kids. They're smarter then we give them credit for. I know you know this. :)


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't
Ever
Try
And
Change
Her

Yep, it sucks. She may well be pregnant. In her twisted view of the world, it probably makes sense. Remember, she has no empathy. It's one thing to think that you *understand* that, it's another to actually witness it.

"Mommy said she might have a baby and I can help take care of it."

Any direction you go with this, it hurts the kids. Again, the world revolves around a narcissist. Nothing matters to them except how the world exists to serve them. She probably expects that the kids would be overjoyed to have a sibling. No recognition of the reality that the kids will figure this out. Your son is the one I would be most concerned for.

For you, read above. Detach in both the literal sense and the descriptor above. Document and inform your lawyer of your concern. You need to focus on the kids right now. They only have one safe/stable parent. The kids counselor needs to know that this is occurring. He/she will probably have a course of action to recommend for you.

My XW was similar in some ways. I would venture to guess that as well as thinking to bind the OM to her, she may think the court would not want to split the kids. In this situation however, I think any competent lawyer would be able to make hash of that thought. Hell, if she is, her lawyer will probably suggest she get prompt mental help. The other possibility would be to drag the D out so that the OC is born before the D is final.

Oh hell AD, I'm trying to make sense of this as well and to be completely honest, there is none to be had here. Bottom line, if she is pregnant, it's probably the worst move out the multitudes so far. Closely followed by talking to your DD like that.

I did the same thing in my D brother. Wish I had SI back then. The NPD thread will help you sort this out.

Will nothing stop her? Please, don't do this to our children.

Again, she is most likely a narcissist, so no, she won't stop. Be your childrens rock brother.

Sending strength and MOJO.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2828 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of pointers, AD, so that you can perhaps stop driving yourself crazy looking at all of the little leaves on the trees instead of the big-ass tree trunk.

Point #1 -- If the kids need shots <or whatever>.....schedule them on YOUR time. Yea, yea....you SHOULD be able to co-operate...."does <this> time work for you?"......but you've found out that you are you *setting yourself up* to be pissed off. One of my kids has braces -- he needs to go to the ortho every 6 weeks or so (for about 2 more months anyway ).....I just schedule the appointments on *my* time so that I don't have to deal with coordinating schedules or any type of 'disruption' of the *plan* in case he forgets or is unavailable. Not that he would forget or whatever, but it just makes life *simpler*, kwim?

Point #2 -- *her* time with the kids started at 2pm. She wasn't able to get there at 2 and so she made arrangements. AND she let you know what was happening. AND she called your child and gave her a *heads-up* about it so that your kid knew to *expect* the neighbor and not her. Just *maybe* she was trying to respect the agreement and NOT expect you to 'pick up her slack'. I thought that the right of first refusal was for if the child/children were going to be left for an extended period of time. And if I'm not mistaken, the FORF goes *both* ways.....Dude. Think about it. You have NO idea what life has in store for you. Do you REALLY want to have to give your WW right of first refusal if you need a caregiver for a few hours here or there? Do you want her to be the first person that you have to call if you're going to be an hour late? (especially since you know that she's not typically available to *cover* for you?) I *get* being pissed that your WS puts his/her life before the kids instead of putting the kids first. I do. Just do NOT make waves about this one. Document it so that it is added to the pile.

As for this pregnancy crap.....I hope to God that she isn't pregnant right now. You need to give your L a heads-up about this RIGHT NOW. This is serious. I'm not so sure that D proceedings can continue if the W is pregnant -- and the husband is the *presumed* father. I have no idea what happens if she doesn't *admit* to being pregnant -- but this is a potentially really big problem for you if she is.......(don't freak out...just call your L and relay the conversation you had with your kid and your later observations to your L ASAP.) This is something that your L definitely needs a heads-up about.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just popped down to read your story abbondad and I second this

I'm not so sure that D proceedings can continue if the W is pregnant -- and the husband is the *presumed* father


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone,

Taking all of your thoughtful advice very seriously, as always...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD....I'll just hope for your sake that she's just creating some drama here and wants you to think she's pregnant. Perhaps she believes if she gets any attention from you, good or bad, then she wins (what she wins exactly, I don't know!!!).

A couple of things that instantly came to mind...

1) If she is pregnant, wouldn't it be very early in the pregnancy? Would your WW typically start telling people, including her own kids, that she's pregnant this early??!!

2) Obviously I don't know your WW but would she really want to take old baby clothes out of your home already to start planning for the new baby? Or is it more likely she did so knowing you would notice this and jump right to the conclusion you have, as she wants you too?

I'm just guessing here....but I would think if your WW really did get pregnant that she would keep it to herself right now because she should have a lot to worry about. How will OM react if she's pregnant with his child? Are they *really* in fantasy land and this is something they *both* want, or will he bolt? If WW is still holding on to any faint hope that you two could get back together, or more typically from a WS....if she thinks she still has you as a plan "B"...she has to believe that letting you know she's pregnant with OM's child would absolutely be the final nail in the coffin and shut the door between you forever...so would she be so careless in letting you know this early on? Also, isn't she in a new job that's important to her? Would she be so careless that she got pregnant and will possibly put her career on hold?

I don't know...when I think of these things and compare it to my original thought....it just seems more likely to me that she wants you to think she's pregnant by OM just to get a rise outta you and maybe to see how you react. At least that's what I'm going to hope for you for your sake! You're dealing with A LOT right now....you don't need this on your plate too!

Btw AD, the last time I posted anything to you was probably back in your original thread! I just wanted to tell you that I'm impressed with how far you've come and how well you're doing despite everything being thrown at you! Keep it up AD, great things are around the corner for you and your kids :-)


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone.

Thank you as always. With regard to the "maybe" baby...

I never revealed this information before; I was and am too ashamed. But here it is: one of the "tipping points" that led me to divorce is the fact that WW did indeed become pregnant with the POS's baby around a year ago.

At the time she led me to believe it was mine. I agonized with her, I wept with her, together we decided to terminate. I drove her to the clinic, and I nursed her after.

It pains me to even write this, but there it is.

The finale of this episode, and one of the most twisted things she said (conversation occurred around five months ago):

"He was so angry I aborted his child. You see how much I love you and what a sacrifice I made for you?"

So there it is. Thus her deliberately becoming pregnant again (or possibly adopting) is not so far-fetched.

How she lives with her sick self I will never know.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 10:26 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
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