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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My attorney contacted me today; she and my WW's attorney have been discussing mediation.

Wait, what?

I am waiting with baited breath, since I told my attorney to go for everything basically. Or as she put it, "abbondad, with your permission I'd like to hit her hard."

I trust this^^^^^is still the direction. All the cards seem to be falling in your direction. Does your lawyers direction seem appropriate to you?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2669 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My attorney contacted me today; she and my WW's attorney have been discussing mediation. Who knows. Maybe we can get through this expeditiously with minimal trauma. (I know, famous last words...)

No. Mediation.

You keep giving her/the universe the benefit of the doubt and getting run over for it.

Minimal trauma for HER is why it would go to mediation. Please don't roll over here - you've come so far!!

(((AD)))


You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to. - Robin Williams

Posts: 16800 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I may have misunderstood. The motion for exclusive rights to the home, temporary alimony and CS has been filed, so I think it is I who am confused re: mediation. My L had asked me about the time I did attend one mediation and wanted to confirm that the MSA from that session was worthless and that we will eventually start from scratch. Will get back to her and to SI.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two people with two lawyers is more negotiation than mediation. It keeps it out of the court. And let me tell you, you do NOT want to go to court. The judge can only rule on certain things, others get left in the air. And really, do you want it up to a single person to decide your fate?

Really, I can not believe people are saying that you should really take it to court without trying to negotiate with lawyers before hand. Have any of you gone to trial? It sucks. I don't know a single person IRL that has other than me and I got screwed. Every other person was able to negotiate through lawyers.

[This message edited by million pieces at 6:13 AM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Million Pieces, I've been to trial for this divorce. TWICE. And you're right, it's an express ticket to getting screwed. Trial had to happen because STBX & his lawyer refused to negotiate.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have NO INTENTION of this going to court for a judge to decide. I have made this clear to my attorney, and she has assured me from the beginning as best she can that there is no reason why it would go to trial, and only a very small percentage of cases go to court.

We have two children and a very uncomplicated financial situation (with very limited funds, I might add--another reason to avoid court/trial).


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have two children and a very uncomplicated financial situation (with very limited funds, I might add--another reason to avoid court/trial).

yes, we did too. But like NG, my ex refused to cooperate at all and refused to pay a cent in alimony despite me being a SAHM for 9 years. And while I got minimal alimony, I got screwed in many other ways. I would have been MUCH better off sticking with what we negotiated and no alimony.

And it is KILLING me that we are going to have to go to trial soon to get CS modified because the asshole judge didn't put child care in the CS calculation and that my ex took a pay cut so that it looked like he made $40K less than he actually does now.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ad & mp, I absolutely am NOT advocating going to trial. What I am advocating is that AD stay far away from STBXWW and let the atty handle everything. The fact that *mediation* is being brought up so soon after

Saw my attorney today. Apparently WW and her attorney have done zero since being served. No documents submitted. I am sure my WW is not the best client, as she does what she wants to.

That was Sept 3rd. Why is mediation the first thing brought up after AD's attempt failed so miserably? I just want AD to be sure that he *sticks to his guns* and operates from a position of strength.

T/j mp, yep, BTDT. A week after I filed, XW attempted to have me removed from the home ex partee(no witnesses, no trial) citing DV. Fortunately, my mom's BF worked within the system and I got a heads up. We filed for a trial and got one, otherwise I would have been removed from the home and de facto custody would have been hers. I *won* that case. She got slapped down pretty had for the attempt. End phase 1.

Phase 2. Trial (custody) scheduled for 8 months down the road "in hopes that you will find a way to resolve your dispute amicably". We were forced to live together for that period of time.

FWIW, during the time leading up to my filing, during one of our M/C sessions our therapist(licensed psychologist)suggested that my XW might have Borderline Personality Disorder and wanted to further diagnose her. That was the last time we saw him.

Anyway, XW had a child from a previous M and was *positive* that I had no chance at custody. She began openly dating. Men would show up at the house to take her out on dates. They were only a distraction though, her main AP, she went to on the weekends. We had established an in house EOW schedule. On her weekends with the kids, they *went* to grandma's house where she would leave the kids and go stay at her AP's house. Literally the guy next door to her Mom and Dad. Actually the farm next door so her parents didn't even know.

I had to bite my lip, allow the behavior and document and journal. Give her enough rope to hang herself. No more confrontations per lawyers advice. Let her prove that her priority was herself and not the children. Wasn't easy. I had a long uphill battle if I was to save my son. She was right, the courts are not predisposed to splitting kids, but I had to try. I wish I could have gotten DSD out also, but XW had so browbeaten her XH that he wound up testifying at trial on her behalf.

Her idea of mediation was *I only married him for the child support anyway*, so you can imagine how far we got. I even offered to take custody and she pay nothing, but was laughed at.

On to trial. Week long process, many, many witnesses. My journal and calendar were accepted into evidence after I was able to *prove* the accuracy of some of the events through corroborating testimony of unbiased witnesses. Witnesses included my mom, her mom, both personal physicians(medical records unsealed "in the best interests of the child"), my sons therapist(the court had already ruled I was ineligible to even ask for custody of DSD), our M/C, our priest, daycare provider, receptionist at the rec center, our bankers to go over the financials, both of our supervisors at work. That's all that come immediately to mind other than the private detective I had hired to follow her. We live in a no fault state. I didn't hire him to prove the affair, but to show what she was doing with the children when she had the time to be with them alone.

Deliberations took 2 months. Still living with her. In spite of all that had been revealed, no remorse. In fact, I had now ruined her life with AP by exposing her A to her parents. Oh was life sweet at home./sarc

Phase 3
I won. Primary custody of DS and child support from her. She appealed and got an emergency ruling to keep me in the home while the appeal went through. Odd, because I did not have any intention of moving. I was so beaten down by her that I was still fantasizing about R. Her treatment of me and the children worsened.

The court of appeals can only rule on the evidence provided at the district court, so this time it was only a 1 day hearing. Unfortunately the ruling took 4 months. More abuse. I won.

Phase 4
Emergency ruling keeping me in the home with DS, DSD and her while she appeals to the state supreme court. No hearing this time, just a 6 month wait for the ruling. I'm still hoping for that miracle. 3-2 split vote confirming the ruling. I *won* again.

50 thousand dollars, a completely devastated psyche and a son who lives with me. DSD was never allowed to come to our house for visitation.
End t/j

Worth it? Oh hell yes. Would I wish it on anyone else? Never. Stay away from the courts. millionpieces is absolutely correct that having 1 person ruling on the fate of your life is devastating and can go any direction in spite of evidence. AD, go at her hard. Get the best you can with your lawyers advice. Be willing to compromise somewhat, but not for a whit's less than you deserve.

Strength

ETA You posted this

*I have NO INTENTION of this going to court for a judge to decide.*

While I was one fingering my lengthy diatribe. GOOD, just don't settle for less than you deserve. Let your lawyer arrive at a "negotiated" settlement if at all possible!

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:35 AM, September 6th (Friday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2669 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus, 545, your story scares the shit out of me. (But I'm so glad it worked out in your favor.)

Get the best you can with your lawyers advice. Be willing to compromise somewhat, but not for a whit's less than you deserve.

THIS is my intention.

BTW, her "weekend" with the kids bullshit has started once again. Texted me that she WILL pick them up tonight and that I WILL pick them up from her place Monday morning and take them to school.

So, a complete repeat of last week. My text back was the same: No. If you have the kids Friday til Monday, that includes YOU taking your CHILDREN to SCHOOL. Otherwise I am glad to take the kids Sunday night and get them to school Monday morning.

No response.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - Don't give in, and keep her texts. This is proof that she is still not able to be a 50%mom. Not even close.

I hope she brings them home Sunday, and be ready to NOT allow her into the house, and also tell her she needs to figure out something else to do with them, than bringing them back home, so they can play with the neighbors, while she noses around YOUR home.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8077 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and also tell her she needs to figure out something else to do with them, than bringing them back home, so they can play with the neighbors, while she noses around YOUR home.

TN, I have to disagree. By doing so, she is proving the better environment is at AD's. I agree that the nosing around the house bit has to go, but she continues to prove AD is giving the children a better home.

A custody battle is damned ugly.

AD, my story was not meant to scare you. It's a little extreme as these things go, I'll admit. Just to prepare you for what could be. Better to know and all that.

Eyes on the *prize*.

It all sucks.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2669 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TN and 545 (and everyone). My approach is remaining the same: take the kids any time (except for picking them up to take to bus when that is still her "day"), document, and wait until the court order is in place. I don't want to confront about the house until the law is behind me. I will leave when she comes, and I will be sure there is nothing relevant she can access.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, just curious. Since you are documenting, where/what is the current split of time. It seems to satisfy you and she is struggling to make it. The reason I'm asking is that the court would be heavily inclined to let the existing visitation stand. It's what the kids are used to.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2669 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, just curious. Since you are documenting, where/what is the current split of time. It seems to satisfy you and she is struggling to make it. The reason I'm asking is that the court would be heavily inclined to let the existing visitation stand. It's what the kids are used to.

545,

Well, therein lies the problem: there IS no set schedule. Her job takes her away when she has too. Averaged over the last month I've had them probably 60-70% of the time. (Over the last year it's been around the same.)

It only satisfies me insofar as I have the kids a great deal of the time. Yes, she is struggling to get even close to 50% due to her job, but even if she is given 50% she won't sustain it. She has proven this--even when she did not have such an unpredictable job.

So what will happen if she IS given 50%:

1) she will try to sustain it with her current job, she won't, and I will go to court to adjust, or
2) she will quit her job, and still won't be able to reliably have them 50%, and I will go to court to adjust.

She just can't be a "real" single mom. She wanted to be a single "girl." With me on the side for husband duties.

In any case, yes, the kids are used to being with me during the school week and her on the weekends. Even before the affair, she worked till night and I had had them from 2:00 after school. So she came home and put them to bed.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just did the children exchange. Something's up. She started to get out of the car and come toward me with a tearful, murderous look in her eyes, and then abruptly turned around, got back in and sped off.

My guess is she's gotten word from her attorney about my filed motion for exclusive rights to the home, a set co parenting schedule, temporary spousal and CS, a (truthful) claim that she becomes upset easily and can't handle the kids, AND that the kids may not meet her AP as she has exposed our son to him via the nude pic.

Oy vey. Shit's gonna hit the fan within three days, I predict. I just don't know what it will be. I am staying away from her.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good plan! Stay far away. She will come back with something nasty. Just stay the course! Hopefully, her attorney will try and keep her from doing anything too ridiculous. Either way, try to keep people around you for witnesses, just in case. Do not be alone with her under any circumstances!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just as I predicted, something was up. Every time the kids are with her there is more drama. Now it's getting very serious:

DS called in hysterics last night from her place, saying something about not wanting any more medicine. I spoke to wife and asked her to explain what he was talking about and why he was so upset. She said "I'll handle it" and hung up.

I had my suspicions and have now confirmed: she has gone behind my back and had a prescription filled for Celexa, an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med. No consulting with me.

She claims that she has not yet started him on it. I tried explaining to her on the phone just now that such a unilateral decision regarding administration of new serious medication to our child is unacceptable and intolerable. She hung up on me.

I am very distressed at this and have emailed my attorney.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:24 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What doctor gave the prescription? His regular doctor? Or did she take him to someone new? When did she find the time to take him to ANY doctor?

Curious. And very underhanded.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1447 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had taken him to his psychiatrist last week. WW could not make it as she was working.

She (the doctor) recommended to me that my son should not begin a new med at this time.

I immediately informed my wife of this. My wife apparently called the doctor after and requested that my son should in fact be put on a new med.

So yes, very underhanded.

WW claims that she has not yet begun administration. But I assume she will, regardless of my feelings about it after I call the doctor.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started off with an all caps telling you to stay off the phone then realized that you had done what any parent of worth would have done.

Follow up. Send a text telling her that you do not approve of the administration of this medication at this time. You were not consulted and have not had a chance to discuss with your sons doctor the necessity of this prescription as your son has not exhibited any signs of depression or anxiety while in YOUR care at a level to necessitate a prescription.

Ie.

Mrs AD.

As our child XXX is already in therapy and his counselor has not indicated the need for an antidepressant/anxiety medication, I find it odd that you would feel the need to further medicate him while he is in your care. Since I was not consulted prior to the appointment where he was prescribed this medication, may I please have the name of the consulting physician? I would also request the date when my son was prescribed this medication without my knowledge or approval.

Please do not begin to administer this medication prior to my being able to consult with the aforementioned physician. I would like his opinion first and have a concern about possible negative side effects and a possible adverse reaction. As you know he is already taking XXXXXX and there could be an interaction with serious consequences.

Further, I request that you cease and desist making unilateral decisions regarding the care of our children.

Thank you.

cc AD's lawyer

If at all possible, contact your lawyer now. She will have a much better idea of how to handle this.

Your STBXWW actions are very concerning. No way a competent lawyer for her would recommend doing this unless they are trying to *show* that she is capable of doing this.

It's very familiar to me AD. Her actions are very similar to my xw.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2669 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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