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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and good job, by the way!


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6525 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about getting exclusive use of the home? Don't forget this! You really do NOT want her being able to just barge in any time she takes a mind to.

Oh yes--I forgot. And exclusive use if and right to the home. Absolutely.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - You are doing a great job! Hang in there. You are right, she is going to go cray cray when she gets that motion.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can ask your atty to make sure she gets served when your children are not there/not coming over that night.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2206 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - You are doing a great job! Hang in there. You are right, she is going to go cray cray when she gets that motion.

Thank you. I have to admit I am very nervous about her reaction. And frustrated with myself for being nervous and permit her reactions to control me and my emotions. I guess after ten years of codependency and living to serve and to please, all this runs so counterintuitive to me.

I never wanted this. All these are reactions to her deplorable actions over SO long a time. This is something she will never understand. It's just a tragedy, but I have been left no choice.

Two years ago, I pleaded with her these exact words: "If you continue what you are doing, you will bring calamity to our family."

She later scorned these words, mocking me. But I am not out for revenge. I want what is right for our children.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The waiting time between hiring the lawyer & STBX being served almost gave me a heart attack. I am not one to keep secrets of such life-altering proportions. As each day went by waiting for the papers to be ready I felt myself inching closer & closer to a nervous breakdown. Not even my world-class compartmentalization skills were enough to shield me from the horror of knowing what devastation was about to rain down on us.

But you know what? That time was also eye-opening for me. I realized that if STBX could keep secrets of equal devastation for our entire marriage and go on as if nothing was wrong, then clearly he wasn't anyone I wanted to be married to, clearly he was a VERY emotionally & mentally sick person who I needed to get myself & the kids away from. I mean, I was at times shaking from heartbreak & terror. I wanted to throw up from nerves & guilt. I was sure my intentions were written all over my face. I could hardly bear it. The good people here carried me through that time with soothing words & encouragement. I realized that anyone who could keep that level of horrible secret for 15 years was a sick, toxic person. Divorce was the right thing to do.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love that she is such a great mom she took the time to care for the dogs too.

She is a special kind of crazy. I can't wait until you can say you are not allowed to enter this domain EVER again!!! Ooooh that will be such fun for you.

I would stick a cooler, or box by the front door, and let her know that is where she is to leave the kids medicine from now on. No reason to enter the house. NONE. I guarantee you every time she enters she is looking for something to pin on you to make you seem less credible, and prove that you are a danger to self and others......Ugh.

You my friend are doing great though. Keep up the great work.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8705 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

let her know that is where she is to leave the kids medicine from now on

Is there a way you can speak with the kids' doctor or pharmacy and ask them to split the medicines in half?
One container at your house, one container for WW's house.
That way no one has to take meds back and for AND she has one less excuse to enter the home.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6525 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
missyb32641
♀ Member
Member # 35656
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask for a second bottle with the label. You should not have any problem getting these from the pharmacy, it is all the time for school kids.


ME: BS 41
Him FWH 43
Married 20 years together 22 at the time.
Working thru R.

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Florida
missyb32641
♀ Member
Member # 35656
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask for a second bottle with the label. You should not have any problem getting these from the pharmacy, it is all the time for school kids.


ME: BS 41
Him FWH 43
Married 20 years together 22 at the time.
Working thru R.

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Florida
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may have missed something, but my children travel with a small pharmacy's worth of medication. No one has ever had to enter anyone else's house to sort that out. No second bottles, either. The meds travel with the kids, in their bag, and waffle returns them when his time is up. No communication has been required at all on this issue, except me telling him how much to pay when it's time to pick up more.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone. The medication issue will be straightened out. In fact I don't know why the obvious had not occurred to me all this time: leave half at hers, half at mine.

It should have occurred to her as well. I think she wants an excuse to come over and remind me that she is still on control and can do as she pleases.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
circlingthedrain
♂ Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad,

This is the 2nd time she has said something in writing about your not caring properly for the dogs. Sound's like she is attempting to build a paper trail that the dogs should not be with you.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, our family therapist suggested that we try to have personal stuff (hygiene, meds, clothes, ect) at each of their homes so that it isn't like they are "visiting" when they go to the other house. I've also seen this in several books. The only things that get transported now are my dd's lovies, sports gear if needed and bookbags. And really, other than the blankies, they can walk into each of their homes and be right at home.

Anyway, back to the meds, my kids' pediatrician had no problem supplying samples or dispensing two inhalers. Pills are easy. It was harder to get shithead to pay his copay or pick up the extra prescriptions from the pharmacy. Shithead.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1266 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the 2nd time she has said something in writing about your not caring properly for the dogs. Sound's like she is attempting to build a paper trail that the dogs should not be with you

I fear that this is just a prelude of building a case based on lies that the children should not be with me. But it probably won't be reality: since she left them and has been content to be a "half-time" mother, she would not want them most of the time and certainly not all the time.

She wanted to be a "single girl" but never a single mom.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't already, I urge you to get your kids involved with friends & activities where other adults see you interacting with your children. This way you'll have witnesses for being a good parent. Build your Good Dad resume.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl is sooo right. We all know what a wonderful dad you are, I mean that was the impetus that finally convinced you to stop the maddness and get the kids out of the toxic environment she creates.
However I think it's very important that the teachers, scout leaders, friends of the family, pediatrician, etc all know what a great dad you are, and have always been.

She is going to try to come up with something, but like typical WS behaviors, she is continuing to live in fantasy land, and doesn't get it. Like you said yourself she and her Attorney have done zero in prep for D. This prooves what a head in the clouds mess she is.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8705 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many a parent has been tripped up in court when asked by a crafty lawyer personal questions about the kid's life, friends, favorites, etc....

Don't offer any of this to her freely, make her go to the source. If she doesn't, and your lawyer asks her this stuff and she can't answer it, all the better.

You on the other hand know all of this stuff.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many a parent has been tripped up in court when asked by a crafty lawyer personal questions about the kid's life, friends, favorites, etc....
Don't offer any of this to her freely, make her go to the source. If she doesn't, and your lawyer asks her this stuff and she can't answer it, all the better.

You on the other hand know all of this stuff

Exactly right. During our parenting eval STBX was asked how many times he took the kids to the pedi. He said maybe 25% of their appointments (which is a total lie, he's never taken them. Ever.). Then he was asked the name of the pediatrician. He didn't know it. So he was asked the name of the clinic, at least. He didn't know it.

Have a nice trip, STBX? See ya next fall!

During our parenting eval I had multiple people volunteering to submit testimony on my parenting abilities. As it was I submitted twice the number of testimonies from what the evaluator asked for. I had to turn people down. STBX? How many people vouched for him? None. That's right. None.

STBX told the evaluator I never took the kids anywhere and was stunting their social growth. I was immediately able to provide an extensive list of the places, groups, clubs, activities, camps and friend playdates I'd taken the kids to since they were infants.

Build your Good Dad resume. Start making lists of places & names of people. Keep this under lock & key so that Witchy-Poo can't waltz in & steal the info.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I compiled a list (and I will), it would make a book: I have taken them to almost every pediatrican appointment, psychiatrist appointment (courtesy of damage caused by WW), friends' parties, friends' houses, school functions, teacher meetings, and on and on.

My entire neighborhood backs ME up 100%--and they have known WW as long as they have known me. Just the other night at a neighborhood party, a neighbor I did not even know said to me, "I just want you to know that I have heard what you're going through, and I have watched you with your kids for a long time, and it's obvious your just a great dad."

Three have offered depositions and/or testimony if needed. (Two of these neighbors are in law enforcement.)

But I desperately hope it does not come to this. My attorney contacted me today; she and my WW's attorney have been discussing mediation. Who knows. Maybe we can get through this expeditiously with minimal trauma. (I know, famous last words...)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
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