Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: tooclose (44327)

Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - Gently here, You absolutely need to e awake and waiting at the door for your kids no matter how early she drops them. Saying this because I can see how she could spin this. "I have to go into the house judge, to be sure he is ok. He has been so depressed I fear for his safety an well being". I can hear this manipulation Playing out . And remember she isn't makin choices completely on her own now she has an attorney advising her on what to say, do, and how to act. So even of you think she doesn't get it consider her attorney may.

I am very proud of how you are doing. Keep up the great work!

Btw get a chain lock on the door so she can't just breeze in any old time.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Everyone.

It really was a cruel thing she just did. I had gotten to a pretty good place emotionally through NC (or at least as best I can with kids) and pure anger.

Now I am very emotional, very tearful. I guess I am still pretty vulnerable. So for her to sit on our bed like that was just awful for me, and again likely confusing (and therefore cruel) for the kids.

It will not happen again, that is for sure. Her reply to my text telling her not to do that again was full of anger. She did not expect me to chastise her like that. I guess I should put a positive spin on it and see myself as toughening up toward her bullying ways.

As far as the POS not knowing she was crawling onto the bed like that, well, this is what he "put up with" for almost two years--his mistress with me 99% of the time, having sex, going on vacations, etc. Likely she lied to him as often as she did to me.

She is all his now. I am sure she will from now on only be truthful to him (sarcastic). A beautiful life, borne out of honesty and true love, awaits them.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really was a cruel thing she just did. I had gotten to a pretty good place emotionally through NC (or at least as best I can with kids) and pure anger.

Now I am very emotional, very tearful. I guess I am still pretty vulnerable. So for her to sit on our bed like that was just awful for me, and again likely confusing (and therefore cruel) for the kids.

AD - her actions and reactions here are not an anomaly. THIS is who she is. She is cruel. She is selfish. She is thoughtless. She has no boundaries. THIS IS WHO SHE IS. The other WW? The one you were married to? Doesn't exist anymore.

You absolutely must set that as your default expectation for her and her actions. Once you are programmed to EXPECT this from her, it won't throw you into a tailspin anymore.

Does that make sense?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24442 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know that, NIK. I do. Thank you. It is still a struggle, though, as ten years of emotions are at war with my head. I guess it will take quite some time until I truly accept this. And of course work on my part.

I am trying.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are succeeding,AD.

This is a process..it takes time.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ Absolutely!

AD - I'm still at war with these same issues in my head to an extent, and my D was final 18 months ago. Seriously - I've spent the last week struggling to reconcile wasband's latest actions with who I thought he was post-D. It's a process, and you're doing GREAT.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24442 | Registered: Aug 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People like her do the most surprising things, so really it's not like you can stay one step ahead of her...

However, you can put a chain on the door for when you are asleep.

Don't respond to her texts because all these are going to be seen by the judge on a clear day and you want him to see you as a clear-headed person after all you have been thru....

Remember custody is also based on best emotional place for the kids, I think....

My POS XH couldn't get a rise out of me, so he came to pick up the kids in her vehicle.

He's still getting "crickets" from me.

You did a GREAT JOB on the text you sent her. Now make sure the next time you have to see her you are smiling like you know a secret.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jan 2012
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it really is difficult to change your perspective of your spouse - the person you choose to spend the majority of your life with, give your heart and soul to, made a family with.

You will get there, we all do eventually. You will slowly wake up from the "fog" our brains put us in to protect our hearts from complete obliteration at the hands of our beloved.

hang in there.. stay the course.. you will be ok!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3524 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Tomorrow is "meet your teacher day" at my kids' school. Every year we both would go.

In an attempt to maintain NC for my own sanity (especially after the "bed debacle"), I want to go to one and my wife to the other. (They are spaced apart.)

So begins another stupid power play.

The text:

"Abbondad, when is meet your teacher day?"

"It's in our joint email. I also put it into our Google calendar."

"Just send the email to me."

"I was thinking I can go do DS's in the morning and you go to DS's in the afternoon."

"I will be at both." (I could hear the snottiness in the text. Sub-text: I am the worlds greatest mom and you won't keep me from the kids.)

"OK, I will see you there." (Me, cool as cucumber)

So,while I don't want to see her, of course the kids come first. My plan is to go to both briefly, head held high, smile on face, and then leave. (Technically it is her day with the kids.)

Right approach?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your job today is to meet the teacher and make a good connection with them so you have that in place for the school year. With all that is going on, you will need to be on good terms with the teachers. Make sure to get all the contact info you will need so you don't have to go thru STBX and thereby undermining her attempt at control. Make sure to make it plain to the teachers that you have separate info from STBX and it will stay that way.

Also make sure STBX doesn't put AP down as an emergency contact for the kids.

Word for the day: INDIFFERENCE towards her.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is about the kids, not you two. With that said, go in, and plan on telling the teacher what's up at home, and how the kids are adjusting. Make sure she knows to contact you at anytime should any issues concerns or changes in behavior occur. To contact you first, as your STBXW travels and is frequently not around to help out.

If you know the OM's full name and phone number I would be sure to have him down as someone who is NEVER allowed to pick up the kids. She is so deluded she wouldn't think twice of sending him to get the kids if she's out of town and the school contacts her.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When she is provided info about kids, it is not up to you to send her the info again. You told her where to find it, let her find it. She fired you, remind her of that fact, forcefully. You have to change your reactions to her. She doesn't get to have you as her secretary any more.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2902 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - this is for the kids. I did and still do attend all parents evening type stuff with WXW.

It is important that the school knows what's going on - they offer extra eyes on your kids and how they are doing.

It is also important that you are seen by the school to be fully engaged with the kids' school lives. If that means attending meet the teacher events with WW then do it. All of this stuff can have a bearing in the D proceedings as well.

Tough I know, but just think of it as something you need to do for your kids and then go do something for yourself afterwards.


Divorced

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jan 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Velveteer et. al.,

I know, I just have to suck it up for the kids and get used to this new co-parenting life. I just hate all the little head games and power plays.

And here it is fifteen minutes before meet-teacher day and she was supposed to pick them up at the house. Just texted me that she will meet me at the school.

Typical. I don't want the kids to be late so I will take them, but it's shit like this that angers me, as it is a foreshadowing of what would happen if she gets 50/50. She will always be late, she will get them at the last minute for her overnights.

For example, if her overnight begins technically at 9:00 PM, she will roll up at 8:59. Meanwhile I will have had the kids since 2:00, when they get out of school.

IOWs, I technically will have them WAY more than 50% of the time.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She didn't show for DS's Meet the Teacher.

!!!!! So angry.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Argh!

Just met the WW coming into the school as I was leaving with the kids.

"I thought it was from 10-11!"

Uh, no. Remember when 1) I TOLD you it was 9-10, and 2) at your demand, I sent you the Email from the school stating the time? The Email that you refused to check yourself? And I told you everything is on Google Calendar, which you have neglected to learn how to use?

The kids were upset, of course, that as usual, Mommy wasn't there when she was supposed to.

AND she tells me that she has a doctors appt. today, so I should keep the kids. Uh, no, this is YOUR day with the kids. You can't tell me last minute that you made a doc's appt.

So I just said goodbye to the kids and left.

Sorry for the vent. In any case, again very typical. Yes, I have documented it.

And of course no apology from her. god forbid. Just a dazed look.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AD))))

DOCUMENT.

She is SO FULL OF SHIT!!!!

Just give her the rope, she will fucking hang HERSELF.

You are doing a GREAT JOB.

Hang in there, your kids know they can count on YOU.

((((AD))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is your goal? You want to protect your kids or piss off your ex?

There is no reason for the kids to be upset that mom wasn't there. The goal was to meet the teacher. Done. Mom can meet the teacher later.

Mom asks you to take the kids because she has a doctor's appt. I don't care if she announced it in the high and mighty assumption that you would do her bidding. Your children are standing there hearing one parent say they are too busy for their kids and the other parent saying too damn bad, they are your problem today.

I don't care if I have a date, a hair appointment, or a job interview. My ex pulls that shit in front of the kids I smile, take their hands, and say, "no worries. We'll work it out."

My kids have ASKED me when this happens if I am mad or upset because they didn't go. They picked up somewhere, somehow that this was "my time" and that I might resent them for not having kid free time. I told them HONESTLY, eye to eye: This is your home. I am your mom. It is never inconvenient to have you here.

If you want primary custody of your kids, learn to parent on the fly at the drop of a hat.

How is she going to present this incident in court? Do you really want right of first refusal or do you want her to figure it out on HER DAYs?


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5617 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do like what caregiver says, but for now I think giving your ww reality is best.

That's what you & I are having to do with our spouses right now and that is,,, to bring them into reality with our actions -- because our words are going no where with them. No normal person would stand in front of their kids and say you need to get them tomorrow. I think this action of letting her try to figure this out on her own is beneficial.

The reason she was so dumbstruck is because all day she thought, I have an appt tomorrow I'll get abandondad to take the kids, he's not busy. SHE NEVER THOUGHT OUTSIDE THAT BOX. You are really helping her to learn to think outside that box which will help your children in the long run.

You see, all these years we thought we were "nice", but really we helped them get to this delusional place in life that whatever they want is reality. Reality is, she has children, they come first and as she starts thinking that way, maybe she'll get out of that fog a little and become a good mom to them. And our reality is we quit lying to them that all is good in fairy tale land and allow them to become responsible parents.

Just my opinion.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:00 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your children are standing there hearing one parent say they are too busy for their kids and the other parent saying too damn bad, they are your problem today.

The kids were not at all aware of any tension between the two of us. None of the above was said in front of them. We exchanged the information (politely) via text. Perhaps I gave the wrong impression as to how this went down.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 965
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.