Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Been cleaning out the home--putting away reminders, packing boxes with her remaining stuff. Unfortunately came across some "love notes" from her POS. Just the most juvenile, scrawled bullshit imaginable--as though written by a smitten teenager (he's in his late thirties, never married, no kids). "I will wait until the end of time" sort of stuff (referring to her needing more and more time to decide to leave me for him). "Her aura." Puerile crap.
Meanwhile these were written when STBXWW was still telling me how much she loves me, can't be happy without me, renewing vows, on and on, and of course I was saying the same to her, fool that I was.
Must have been nice to have two men fawning all over you and you telling each of the men the same thing--that I love you but I need more time (possibly the rest of my life) to decide which one I will deign to commit to.
Well, she's all his. All middle-aged-divorced-with-two-kids-emotionally-broken-and-still-attached-to-her-husband-deceitful-needy 100% his.
Yes, I'm upset, but actually not that shaken. More angry and resolved.
Also, I didn't know this til later. It is ok to email the paralegal with info for your file and just put on the topic line "for my file". The paralegal will file the info. THEN when the atty is looking thru your file it will all already be there.
You never know when he will be working on your case. He might be off all next week and will be taking his computer with him all week to review stuff....
Mine did not even touch anything really until 2 weekends before the trial that never happened. I had more stuff to give him, but he had basically prepared the case by that time, so I regretted not forwarding stuff to them.
When I had a question, I tried to email 3 quick questions at a time to the paralegal. Sometimes it was days b4 they got back to me.
I understand the paralegals would rather have stuff emailed to them because it takes up too much time to talk...
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:17 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
And, a bargaining chip, so to speak, with be a subpoena to the OM from your attorney. The last thing most WS's want is their OP on the record or on the stand. And it's usually the last thing an OP wants to do, too.
It's one thing for this single OM to get involved with a married woman, but it might be another thing to get involved in her divorce.
You never know...
Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.
I know I ideally should strive for indifference, and others on this site will understandably recommend I shrug it off, but I honestly want this man to experience consequences for his part in destroying my family and in particular for hurting my children.
Any additional ideas would be appreciated.
For $10 an hour, you can get someone to come and take all that stuff to the copy shop, make copies, put the copies in an envelope, address and send to lawyer, put the originals in an envelope, and give back to you.
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
We'll keep holding each other up til the end of the road.
You offer your optimal (or close to it). She will counter with something stupid
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Turns out cleaning out the home alone is not the cathartic, cleansing, purging experience I thought it would be. Or maybe it is, but I don't consciously realize it:
Worse than the few scraps of lame love letters from the POS, I've found scores of cards and notes from her to me and from me to her.
Excruciatingly painful to read. But I cannot stop. They span every year of our marriage and every event: birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Days, Father's Days, Mother's Days...
The painful ones are those from her to me, for they contradict everything in her marital rewrites: she details lovingly every wonderful trait I possess, how profoundly lucky she knows she is, just everything. On and on and on. The most wonderful, loving, supportive husband she could have wished for...
Worst of all: "I am so happy to know it is you I will spend the rest of my life with..."
Of course I am a pathetic sobbing and angry wreck now. I know that cards don't tell the entire tale, and our relationship wasn't shangri la every day, but the deep love was always there. And in this case there in black-and-white, irrefutable.
Irrational, I guess, but every card, letter, and note I come across, I keep thinking, "Exhibit A, B, C...So much for your claims of such unhappiness that I drove you to your crimes..."
I better stop foraging, huh? Give myself a break?
2. If it isn't a set schedule, I mean, she will be home to have them EVERY Wed and Thurs nights, if her schedule is variable and she will be here some Wednesdays, but not others and she would expect the 50/50 to work around her schedule, that's really not good for the kids. If it's going to be this week Mon Tues she is home, then next week Mon Thurs, and the week after Tuesday only....that's a pain for the kids especially when school starts. They need to know where they are each night, not it's always variable.
Thank you, DM. This is likely the scenario with regard to her job. It already has been. And as you observe, this is not good for the kids, who have suffered enough from her erratic schedules and abrupt changes. (To say nothing of her unpredictable actions.) They MUST know where they will be, and when. I will keep all your advice close to me when negotiating.
Not having to keep them for 'evidence', I bundled them up and gave them all back to him.
I didn't need to carry them around anymore.
Big hugs. You're doing great.
Oh, and BTW: less than twenty four hours after collapsing in tears reading those cards? I was pretty fine and still am. Months ago it would have torn me up for weeks and sent me back to the "See, you did love me, please come back" stage.
I'm continuing to improve, I am so relieved to report.
[This message edited by Abbondad at 6:07 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]
Twenty years worth of him saying how happy he was with me, how much he loved me, what a lucky husband he was, etc.. And I also have the ones from me to him, also professing my love for him! He has told anyone who will listen that he was unhappy for 20 years, that I didn't express love, I never truly loved him, blah blah blah.
How sad. Clearly his delusion runs deep. And the pain those letters created was deep and real. I needed to cleanse myself of all that, though, so it was pretty therapeutic. I was advised to keep them in a safe place for trial, and I really thought we were headed there.
So hang onto them, you may need them down the line. But put them away and don't get sucked into what was- that is gone now.
Again, Abbondad.... your ws's AP could be subpoenaed to testify as to the amount of time she spent with him rather than parenting her children. And any photos you may have in your possession ? Use them in court. Oh, you say, I cannot embarrass her like that. Really ? She wasn't much embarrassed or ashamed over screwing a man who was not her husband. So why should naked pics embarrass her?
This morning (very early, as I was still sleeping) my STBXWW dropped off the children. She was supposed to simply send them inside.
She came into the bedroom with them and proceeded to recline on the bed with our dogs (me next to her)--not looking at me the whole time.
I didn't say anything to her in the moment, as the kids were in bed with me--one big happy family.
Naturally I am very upset and angry. I just texted her to respect my boundaries and never do that again.
I am now very emotional and feel like she's kicked me back in time. She has no sense of empathy at all. She got her narcissistic supply and left.
I just texted her to respect my boundaries and never do that again.
She has no sense of empathy at all. She got her narcissistic supply and left.
It's great that you not only told her to respect your boundaries, but how you did it. No personal confrontations, just a simple text.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.