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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 4...
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to echo what thenon-goddess posted:

Clearly you have made lots of progress since you first started posting. You obviously are getting something from these SI posts and I am glad to see it all in one place. I know through reading your threads I have applied things I've read to my situation and made changes. Thanks for keeping us up to date on what's going on.

Your thread has also helped me and I think you are doing a great job. Sometimes people like you and I need the 2x4's and we still do the opposite. You are so much stronger than you know and you have a great heart! Kudos to all of those who have given you consistent advice along the way. This site is like having a team of life coaches that help you in ways that friends, family members, and even your IC and Lawyers cannot.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, Okay, so you replied when you should have kept your mouth shut. That's fine - we all screw up once in awhile. It happens. Don't beat yourself up for it.

Hopefully, you can now see where your weaknesses are and take precautions so that this doesn't happen again.

The key is to get right back on the NC train and try again with a much stronger resolve.

NC, NC, NC (chugga chugga, woo-woo!) NC, NC, NC

Your STBXW will be served sometime this week. Others here are advising you well. You must protect yourself and your kids from her anger. And she will be angry. How do you plan to proceed here?

Has your lawyer advised you to change the locks on your house yet?


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually think it's a good idea to start a thread and stay on it. In my early days I asked questions on many different threads and FORGOT where I asked the questions...

I didn't realize you just started here in Dec,,,,you're doing better than I was at that point --- I checked into Rehab at month 9!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1714 | Registered: Jan 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are you okay?


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang on AD! Don't leave us now. I know that the 2x4's are hard to take and they HURT. But, you ARE making progress and you WILL get through this.

I also like the fact that your threads keep everything in one place. I wish everyone did that. It makes it so much easier to keep the story straight.

You DO need to work on NC. Really. I KNOW it's hard, but it will make things so much easier. You'll be able to detach faster and cleaner if you just stop talking to her. I know it's a conditioned response for you, but like any bad habit it must be broken.

Make yourself a promise that you will wait at least 10 minutes before you reply to her. Then come here. Set a timer. I will bet that after 10 minutes and some posting here the major urge will have passed.

I also appreciate the way you continue to share your story because it keeps reminding me that WH is still an asshole in spite of his constant rugsweeping and kiss ass behavior. He still isn't DOING anything. Reading your story keeps me focused on my own NC and detachment.

Hang in there.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 917 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know you're having a hard time AD. with life and maybe some of the 2x4's.

you've already decided to file for divorce.

you really shouldn't need anyone's advice anymore. you've got a lawyer, listen to your lawyer. if you don't, there's really no point coming here and saying how sorry you are or asking for more help. you've just got to follow through.

everyone is on your side.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there's really no point coming here and saying how sorry you are or asking for more help. you've just got to follow through.

I think that's all the more reason for AD to come here - he still needs us and needs guidance and support...and 2x4s (which he accepts).

I think he gets it that he should consult the lawyer with regard to solid legal advice - and knows any legal advice we offer is usually followed by, "check with your attorney."

Please check in with us AD. No matter what the situation, you know we will continue to help as best we can.


Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
4yo GS & 14 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4812 | Registered: May 2007
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're doing great,AD. You have made incredible progress. No one here is obligated to take anyone's advice. This is your life..your children..your divorce. You are doing a great job. You're not perfect,but no one is. You have been handed a load of shit,and are doing your best to get through it.

I can understand why some members have become frustrated. It's hard to watch another SI member make mistakes that "we" know are mistakes,we try to warn them,and they do it anyway. But,the great thing(one of many) about SI is we ALL understand making those mistakes,so even if we get frustrated,we understand,and are here to give you a hand and help you back up.

I don't take all the advice I give on here. I know I need to. I know what I *should* be doing. But it's a lot easier to give great advice than it is to take it. I think you are very brave,AD. You have given so many of us hope and strength. So you slipped up. No biggie. It's ok that she knows you have an attorney. It will make NC easier. If she texts you,tell her to contact your attorney..and leave it at that.

Chin up,AD. You're doing fine. And you're going to be happy one day. You will. You just have to get yourself through this shit hole your WW has put you in.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6655 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think we should confuse swinging the same 2x4 with discouraging asking for help. It's our choice to post, to ask for help, to give support. As long as we stay within the guidelines, this is our safe place - for all of us.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I'm ok :-) Nothing new to report. I am reading through everyone's recent posts and will post more later. Thank you for your ongoing support and interest!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1466 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Friends,

Again, thanks for your support. I will take the 2x4s as they come. I don't expect everyone to nod in the affirmative to everything I do or don't do. I come here not for praise or affirmation or correction, or at least not for any one of these on a consistent basis. I come for support and understanding. I do not interpret support to mean constant agreement.

I always read responses with the tacit understanding that most if not all of you have walked my path and see me make many of the same mistakes you did; hence the frustration. I get it. And I thank you.

I will continue to stumble. But I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself. As one of you reminded me, it's been well under a year since I joined. Since then I have gone from total BS fog to false R to separation, more BS fog, another separation, total despair, to threat after threat of divorce, to bullshit mediation... and everything else... To "real" divorce. That I have actually filed is incredible to me. I have finally acted in accordance with my head. My heart still needs time to catch up, but I know it will. (It will help enormously when the "sweet mask" comes off permanently and all that is left is the real her, malicious and vindictive.)

So that's my pat on my back for today :-). And I absolutely could not have done it without all of you. I do have friends, family and my IC IRL, but it is simply not the same as seeking guidance from those who have experienced this unique pain.

Hence I do not thrive off the attention. I get plenty IRL. I gain strength and experienced wisdom here. And I will continue to come, again and again.

I'm back on the limited NC train--limited because of the kids. Some contact just cannot be avoided. That's that. If I need to text her that I forgot to pack my son's meds when he is with her, I have to. What I am not doing is allowing her to engage with me. The lawyer blab was a mistake. It fell out. I learned and I've picked myself up, a little bit wiser for the next time and the next time.

This week--tomorrow my attorney told me--she will get a call informing her she will be served. Then all hell will break loose. But I have steeled myself, envisioning various scenarios along with my proper non-responses, 99.9% of which will be variations of "talk to my attorney."

One question: she has the kids from Thursday until Monday. As usual, she wants ME to pick them up from her place in the morning so she can go to work unimpeded. In the "old days" I would've bowed to her command. I won't this time. Let her bitch.

But my question has to do with future coparenting details.

Who has the responsibility typically in such a situation? That is, is it her responsibility to take them back home as my time with the kids begins, or is there an arrangement where I would be the one to pick them up?

I just want to get used to the future legally binding agreement. And of course she should as well. (Which she won't of course, since it will be a manifestation of that thing called Reality.)

Thanks again!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1466 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's whatever you put in the agreement AD. Some people have the person that has them drops them off to the other person, some have the person that is to get them does the driving...so it's always each person one way.

I have in mine that he does all drop offs and pick ups....because of my son's sports at the time. He's tried to "force" me to do some of the pick ups/drops off since then, but I refuse, because he moved to another town, and I won't drive that highway at night.

Anyway...who picks up/drops off is whatever you work out in your agreement.


BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5225 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad I want to warn you, she may give you "crickets" when served,, that's what my WH did.

I was freaked out about it...

But, about 2 months later when in the midst of an argument, I heard him say, "how'd you pay for the atty,,,," I knew it had bugged the hell out of him that I would have the audacity to file on him..
Even that did not wake him up, but I feel so much more protected and in control of where I take my life and my children's life.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1714 | Registered: Jan 2012
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See if your county domestic relations court has a standard visitation agreement. That's what I used to fill in the parenting plan gaps. In my case, the receiving parent is responsible for transportation. If you don't have it spelled out in yours yet, I very much doubt any future judge (if it should get that far) will give you grief for following the standard schedule.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 707 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our standard agreement has us splitting drop-off/pickup if we both reside in the county where the decree was filed. I'm still here but he moved. Therefore the onus is on him according to my attorney. I could be nice and split it, but eff him and the whore he rode in on.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning, Ab. Sending good thoughts your way today.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are in my thoughts today brother. it's a big huge scary step, but also necessary to your healing, and your children's well-being.

I hope you and the kids have plans while you're away today.

strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad I want to warn you, she may give you "crickets" when served...

I would much prefer this--less drama. But I'm sure it won't occur. Not her style. She will be vicious, threatening, and blame everything on me. After all, she didn't want the divorce. So I will become Satan incarnate.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1466 | Registered: Dec 2012
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have finally acted in accordance with my head. My heart still needs time to catch up, but I know it will.

^^^^ This! Keep it up. I've said it before....I follow this thread because I gain something from it. You are doing it! It's a job you didn't ask for, but you are doing it well Abbondad. Kudos!

It's true when they say: Take what you need, leave the rest!


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just spoke with my attorney. She made a few revisions to some documents and wants my OK before filing. Also, the e-filing system is jammed up so we are a little behind schedule. She wants to wait until she gets the confirmation receipt of the petition from the county before her "courtesy call to my wife."

Ugh. The suspense is killing me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1466 | Registered: Dec 2012
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