Clearly you have made lots of progress since you first started posting. You obviously are getting something from these SI posts and I am glad to see it all in one place. I know through reading your threads I have applied things I've read to my situation and made changes. Thanks for keeping us up to date on what's going on.
Your thread has also helped me and I think you are doing a great job. Sometimes people like you and I need the 2x4's and we still do the opposite. You are so much stronger than you know and you have a great heart! Kudos to all of those who have given you consistent advice along the way. This site is like having a team of life coaches that help you in ways that friends, family members, and even your IC and Lawyers cannot.
Hopefully, you can now see where your weaknesses are and take precautions so that this doesn't happen again.
The key is to get right back on the NC train and try again with a much stronger resolve.
NC, NC, NC (chugga chugga, woo-woo!) NC, NC, NC
Your STBXW will be served sometime this week. Others here are advising you well. You must protect yourself and your kids from her anger. And she will be angry. How do you plan to proceed here?
Has your lawyer advised you to change the locks on your house yet?
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
I didn't realize you just started here in Dec,,,,you're doing better than I was at that point --- I checked into Rehab at month 9!!
I also like the fact that your threads keep everything in one place. I wish everyone did that. It makes it so much easier to keep the story straight.
You DO need to work on NC. Really. I KNOW it's hard, but it will make things so much easier. You'll be able to detach faster and cleaner if you just stop talking to her. I know it's a conditioned response for you, but like any bad habit it must be broken.
Make yourself a promise that you will wait at least 10 minutes before you reply to her. Then come here. Set a timer. I will bet that after 10 minutes and some posting here the major urge will have passed.
I also appreciate the way you continue to share your story because it keeps reminding me that WH is still an asshole in spite of his constant rugsweeping and kiss ass behavior. He still isn't DOING anything. Reading your story keeps me focused on my own NC and detachment.
Hang in there.
you've already decided to file for divorce.
you really shouldn't need anyone's advice anymore. you've got a lawyer, listen to your lawyer. if you don't, there's really no point coming here and saying how sorry you are or asking for more help. you've just got to follow through.
everyone is on your side.
there's really no point coming here and saying how sorry you are or asking for more help. you've just got to follow through.
I think that's all the more reason for AD to come here - he still needs us and needs guidance and support...and 2x4s (which he accepts).
I think he gets it that he should consult the lawyer with regard to solid legal advice - and knows any legal advice we offer is usually followed by, "check with your attorney."
Please check in with us AD. No matter what the situation, you know we will continue to help as best we can.
I can understand why some members have become frustrated. It's hard to watch another SI member make mistakes that "we" know are mistakes,we try to warn them,and they do it anyway. But,the great thing(one of many) about SI is we ALL understand making those mistakes,so even if we get frustrated,we understand,and are here to give you a hand and help you back up.
I don't take all the advice I give on here. I know I need to. I know what I *should* be doing. But it's a lot easier to give great advice than it is to take it. I think you are very brave,AD. You have given so many of us hope and strength. So you slipped up. No biggie. It's ok that she knows you have an attorney. It will make NC easier. If she texts you,tell her to contact your attorney..and leave it at that.
Chin up,AD. You're doing fine. And you're going to be happy one day. You will. You just have to get yourself through this shit hole your WW has put you in.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I'm ok :-) Nothing new to report. I am reading through everyone's recent posts and will post more later. Thank you for your ongoing support and interest!
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Again, thanks for your support. I will take the 2x4s as they come. I don't expect everyone to nod in the affirmative to everything I do or don't do. I come here not for praise or affirmation or correction, or at least not for any one of these on a consistent basis. I come for support and understanding. I do not interpret support to mean constant agreement.
I always read responses with the tacit understanding that most if not all of you have walked my path and see me make many of the same mistakes you did; hence the frustration. I get it. And I thank you.
I will continue to stumble. But I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself. As one of you reminded me, it's been well under a year since I joined. Since then I have gone from total BS fog to false R to separation, more BS fog, another separation, total despair, to threat after threat of divorce, to bullshit mediation... and everything else... To "real" divorce. That I have actually filed is incredible to me. I have finally acted in accordance with my head. My heart still needs time to catch up, but I know it will. (It will help enormously when the "sweet mask" comes off permanently and all that is left is the real her, malicious and vindictive.)
So that's my pat on my back for today :-). And I absolutely could not have done it without all of you. I do have friends, family and my IC IRL, but it is simply not the same as seeking guidance from those who have experienced this unique pain.
Hence I do not thrive off the attention. I get plenty IRL. I gain strength and experienced wisdom here. And I will continue to come, again and again.
I'm back on the limited NC train--limited because of the kids. Some contact just cannot be avoided. That's that. If I need to text her that I forgot to pack my son's meds when he is with her, I have to. What I am not doing is allowing her to engage with me. The lawyer blab was a mistake. It fell out. I learned and I've picked myself up, a little bit wiser for the next time and the next time.
This week--tomorrow my attorney told me--she will get a call informing her she will be served. Then all hell will break loose. But I have steeled myself, envisioning various scenarios along with my proper non-responses, 99.9% of which will be variations of "talk to my attorney."
One question: she has the kids from Thursday until Monday. As usual, she wants ME to pick them up from her place in the morning so she can go to work unimpeded. In the "old days" I would've bowed to her command. I won't this time. Let her bitch.
But my question has to do with future coparenting details.
Who has the responsibility typically in such a situation? That is, is it her responsibility to take them back home as my time with the kids begins, or is there an arrangement where I would be the one to pick them up?
I just want to get used to the future legally binding agreement. And of course she should as well. (Which she won't of course, since it will be a manifestation of that thing called Reality.)
I have in mine that he does all drop offs and pick ups....because of my son's sports at the time. He's tried to "force" me to do some of the pick ups/drops off since then, but I refuse, because he moved to another town, and I won't drive that highway at night.
Anyway...who picks up/drops off is whatever you work out in your agreement.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
I was freaked out about it...
But, about 2 months later when in the midst of an argument, I heard him say, "how'd you pay for the atty,,,," I knew it had bugged the hell out of him that I would have the audacity to file on him..
Even that did not wake him up, but I feel so much more protected and in control of where I take my life and my children's life.
I hope you and the kids have plans while you're away today.
Abbondad I want to warn you, she may give you "crickets" when served...
I would much prefer this--less drama. But I'm sure it won't occur. Not her style. She will be vicious, threatening, and blame everything on me. After all, she didn't want the divorce. So I will become Satan incarnate.
I have finally acted in accordance with my head. My heart still needs time to catch up, but I know it will.
^^^^ This! Keep it up. I've said it before....I follow this thread because I gain something from it. You are doing it! It's a job you didn't ask for, but you are doing it well Abbondad. Kudos!
It's true when they say: Take what you need, leave the rest!
Ugh. The suspense is killing me.