At 2 months, you are still in a world of hurt and uncertainty. You have been hurt to your core by the very person who said they would love you through everything. I know how alone you currently feel, I know you question everything about your past life and I know how uncertain you are about the future. In my case, I had a very keen sense of shame that came out and attacked my self esteem after finding out about my husbands affair. At 2 months I was just happy to get out of bed and have a shower each day. But, by 4 months, I realized that my self negative thinking was not helping me give my very repentant and devoted spouse a chance to "do good". I was continuing to downward spiral. With the help and encouragement of my IC (who is also our MC) I decided that my depression (which,it turns out, had also been a catalyst for my husbands affair) was so acute that it needed to be properly addressed by both my counselor and my medical doctor. I knew by this point I wanted to make as concerted an effort as I could to get beyond what had happened and, in order for that to happen, I knew I needed the extra help of Anti-D medication. This has been the single most positive decision I have made to date. I no longer feel completely overwhelmed by my situation, my panic attacks have all but receded and I have a much more positive spin on my future. I no longer have vivid dreams about the two of them and I am slowly feeling calm. Notice I said ME and MY!!! I did all of this for me, to make me stronger and happier. The added bonus is that it has had a profound affect on how I feel about what happened to us and how I feel about my husband.
Please note I am not suggesting this is a solution for everyone but, if you continue to feel completely alone, are unable to function at a minimal level, and can't get out of the fog and uncertainty talk to your doctor too. He is skilled and licence to detect depression and has many different sources of help, and not just medicational ones, that might help you get a better grip on who it is you want to become. After 34 years of marriage I am now in a position to decide if it is really something I want to walk away from.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
So very sorry that you find yourself here! This is all recent for me too, and I so feel your pain.
My advice is to concentrate right now on yourself. You are not going to be in a state to make any decisions about the marriage until you get a grip on yourself, just YOU. I know it's hard... strength and courage are slippery during this process. Just when you think you've got a firm grip they slip away again. Please...
-Be patient with yourself.
-Ease off the pressure. You do not have to make any decisions right this second.
-Know that no matter how this goes, whether to R or to D, you will be alright. You WILL get through it, even though it doesn't feel that way right now.
-Care for yourself. Eat when you can, drink plenty of water, get STD tested, ask for medication to help you sleep or to calm you if you feel that will help.
-Connect with people. Find a counselor who you can talk openly to. Reach out to a close friend, and even if you don't feel able to share the whole story, let them know you are going through a tough time and need support. Let them comfort you. Don't stay isolated, it will drive you mad.
-And finally, post here. Post, post, post. Everything you are feeling, everything you are afraid of, has been experienced by the other members here.
You are not alone.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 7:05 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin
Have you sat down and created a time line of the affair yet? This, for me, was the biggest and most helpful exercise we have done to date. My husbands affair was over 4 years long. Like most wayward spouses, he just wanted to forget the nuts and bolts of the affair. But I personally needed to know them. 4 years is a hell of a long time and I was tired of having triggers pop up out of nowhere and bite me in the butt. Triggers being pictures, receipts, emails, travel diaries, anything that reminded me that there was an affair and things that, when discovered, bring you back to the very first moment you found out your life was never to be the same again. Once we set up a time line of all the encounters, all the travel dates where they shared things, all the crap that went on behind my back, it helped me get a clearer picture of what I was doing, and the family was doing, during this time. It also showed my husband a very real visual of just how horrible his behavior was and not only how it affected me but our 2 sons as well. He has suffered immeasurable shame and guilt from what he has done, how he has hurt me and how he let himself down as well. The time line also helped him remember things that his subconscious chose to hide. At first it was a point blank line with dates, and times on it. Over time though, he has been willing and able to add more to the line. He has seen how the information has helped me restore some sense of calm in my world. It has also been a way for us to start some horribly hard discussions we had to have in order to get the root cause of our situation.
Journaling also helped me see that I was slowly progressing, feeling better and being able to handle things more constructively. My journal was a way for me to get absolutely everything out and on paper. I had a hard time putting some of my deeper feelings into spoken words and writing them out allowed me to revisit them. I was able to visually see that even small steps were slowly adding up. I encouraged my husband to read it, and he did often, especially after a set back. He has told me that the journal has been a helpful tool for him to understand the huge extent that his affair has affected me by.
The best piece of advise I got in the first week after DDay was a statement from our therapist: Figure out what makes you feel safe and ask for it. Things like passwords to phones, email accounts, phone records, business diary pages, having hubby check in during the day, etc. These things helped me to feel safe that the affair was actually over and that yes, my husband was truly committed to helping me through the hell he alone created. I always explained why I needed to have these things and I didn't hold back at all.
I want you to know that it will get better, you will slowly feel more grounded and less lost. Time really does help and the things I mentioned above should help you to find who you are again and make you stronger. I hope your hubby is remorseful and ashamed of his actions. I hope he is helping you climb slowly out of this funk he shoved you into. I am fortunate that mine is all those things and has been a huge help in my progress. We are far from out of the woods but it is a start.
[This message edited by TxsT at 12:38 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]
From just the little you have typed I can tell you want to make an effort at reconciliation. I hope what I have said helps you know that it is possible to get beyond the total dispare we both are feeling thanks to our spouses. Life is not a bed of roses for me yet by far. I still have really good and really bad days. I will need to rely on my anti-D meds for quite a long time to come but I feel I am moving forward. Your long marriage, your children, your sanity and a remorseful hubby are reasons to try hard to make this work. I sure am glad I have tried this hard. Even if, in the end, we aren't 100% successful I know I am doing everything in my power to heal myself and my family.
My heart breaks for you.
I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...it will get better. You will be OK just not for a very long time. You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support.
You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.
I hope your WH is working to repair the immense damage he has done. For now, please take good care of you.
The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal.
Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all. Do what you need to do to heal yourself.
Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.
With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want.
You have received a lot of great advice already. Just wanted to let you know we are here and we care.
I too felt that I had hit a new and more desperate rock bottom after revealing our own time line of the A. Unfortunately you needed to get there though before you can slowly go up. My experience has been that we take a step forward only to reverse backward. Thankfully each step backward has not been more then the forward step and this is how we have slowly progressed out of our very deep dark hole. Now at least you have something you can compare future conversations to. Keep it close and bring it out if you have to in order to show him you need the truth and only the truth.
What you may find also happens is that your spouse, out of shame for his hurtful actions, will couch some of the most hurtful incidence, especially if he sees the hurt and pain in your eyes. My hubby did this with me because you can imagine that my mothers death showing up on our time line was a double whammy for me since she dropped dead in front of us in mid sentence and I was left to take her off of life support. He knew how hard that had been on me and was not wanting me to bring up that pain all over again so he couched that item as best he could. In the end, after going back and forth on several couched issues, he has found that I really do just want to know the truth and only the truth no matter how much he knows it will hurt me. I have surprised myself. With each decent into the black abiss I have also showed myself that no matter how much it hurts I have been able to rise up again given the right support from him and my therapist. His support has been key though.
I am so hoping that you come through this next stage stronger then when you entered it and that you slowly feel the horrible hurt and pain subsiding. I am always here and so are so many others.