My husband and I had a difficult time during my pregnancy and the following early months after having our daughter. We got into a huge fight one night, and I told him we were leaving to spend the night at my parents house. I mainly just wanted to cool off and have some time to myself, and also didn't want to argue in front of the baby. I sent him texts that night trying to work things out, but he didn't respond.
The following day I return home, less angry and wanting to work on things. Only to check our bank account online and see that he had spent $40 on a webcam session. Up until this point, I knew my husband watched porn and was okay with it. But this crossed a line, actually interacting with another woman sexually. In anger I told him that just because he paid for it doesn't mean it's not cheating, it just makes it pathetic. He apologized but didn't seem to think he was all that wrong "because he figured we were breaking up." I think this is bull- we never spoke of divorce, or legal separation, or someone moving out. And even if he truly did believe we were over, THAT is his priority when he thinks he's losing his family? He also said it was stupid and a waste of money. After being laid off a month after returning from maternity leave and having a new baby, I decided to let it go.
Since then, things have definitely improved for the better. We rarely fight, and have a lot more love for one another than we did at the time. But deep down this resentment is eating away at me (also, I'm pregnant again so I think my emotions are all over the place). Before all this, I never had any reason not to trust him. But now I don't.
I kept seeing withdrawals from the grocery store, and I became convinced he was buying prepaid credit cards to continue paying for webcam sessions (I didn't notice them until a week or so later, so I wasn't able to compare the bill to what he brought home). So I started checking his email, and in his spam folder I saw two messages from women asking him to check out their profile. It definitely appeared to be porn, and I assumed it was the webcam site (don't know why I didn't click on the links, oh how I wish I would have!). Also, these were the only two spam messages he had read.
I felt sick to my stomach and woke him up to confront him about all my suspicions. He seemed shocked and thought I was acting crazy. He said he read those messages because they looked like porn and that I knew he looks at porn. I believed him as he's never lied to me before, but then he told me to quit snooping and he changed his email password.
One day he left his email open, and I snooped. I found he had applied for a job we agreed he wouldn't, because it's hours away from where I'm getting my masters. I asked him about this, and he said it was "just in case this (our marriage) didn't work out." He said at the time we were always fighting and he wanted to have a back up plan. So at that point I knew that my husband WAS capable of hiding things from me.
I had always known his mom would give him a hundred dollars every time she visited, but one day I started thinking about how that money was never deposited to our bank account. I searched and found it hidden in a book in his drawer. There was only about $150 left, when he had probably given him at LEAST $400 over the past year. When I asked him about it, he gave me what was left but never really gave a clear answer on where the rest of it was spent. So now I am REALLY unsure of whether or not my husband is being honest with me.
Because of all this, I have developed a terrible insecurity that never used to be there. I'm young and pretty, but I've had a baby and I'm never going to look like the girls in those porns. So now I feel like I'm being compared to someone. We already have sex AT LEAST every other night, so I don't understand why I'm not enough. So now I'm totally not okay with him watching porn, the thought him watching someone else literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I told him how I felt once, and he just said "you knew I watched porn when you married me."
Being pregnant on top of all this is making me seriously crazy. I'm super emotional and sensitive, and all I can think about is how unsexy I'm gonna be pregnant. Which is really sad, I want to just enjoy my pregnancy. But now I feel like I'm in competition with these perfect fantasy girls, and I've been watching what I eat and exercising like crazy just trying to not gain any extra weight.
The other night, we had an amazing date night. Went out to dinner alone, and swam in our pool at night. He suggested we watch an adult movie, and I figured better with me than without me. BAD BAD IDEA.. I was literally holding back tears the whole time because we'd be messing around and I'd look up to see him just watching the girl on the screen, like he was pretending it was her.
I feel so sick over all this and it's killing me. I don't need all this stress while pregnant, and on top of everything my husband is away out of town so I'm stuck at home alone with a baby dwelling on the past. I just don't know where to go from here or how to get past this
Sometimes I'm convinced he's doing something he's not supposed to, and other times I think I'm just overly paranoid and emotional. But the back and forth is making me feel crazy. My husband has just always seemed like such a loyal and honest person. But he is extremely difficult to communicate with, and I can never get him to open up. I usually get little to no response when trying to discuss feelings. Part of me believes he would never do that to me as he says, but then I think about how he already DID do something extremely hurtful.