Then I go back, to before the A, which has been rewritten by my BH enormously. He constantly tells me how happy and in love he was. Someone who is SO in love does not come home in a loud aggressive manor towards his W and children any given day. A Happy H does not have to sit outside in his car before he comes in the house telling himself NOT TO YELL and to "be happy". I found a letter I wrote him in our Memory box a few weekends ago. This was over two years before my A began. I told him that he does not have the right to "yell and vent at his wife when ever he feels like it when he walks in the door". I asked him to leave his negativity out of our home. I told him I loved him and that I was not angry but that this had to end. I also wrote at the end that someone who has to constantly tell themselves that they are happy, can't really be happy and I asked him to think about that.
Now I didn't show him the note when I found it because I know he will just turn it around to me having the A. I just know there are SO many things that went on in our M that I turned away from. In my flaw I was never strong enough to stand up to him. I would keep my mouth shut. I always told myself he didn't mean it, or some other excuse. Now his anger is SO strong that his venting happens and he honestly believes that I don't have any choice but to accept it. He says he is "surviving" and he can't give me anything more then that. Does anyone think he will get to a point anywhere in the future where he will want to try and face this mess I made and for us to work through it as a unit? I am doubting any chance of it more and more as every day passes.
I am afraid, I am hurting, I feel guilty, I am worried, but somewhere deep down, aside from all of that there is this little light that is getting brighter and giving me strength.
Thanks for listening
You come on here every few months asking for the same advice and in the same place. What do YOU want? Your H has shown you that he is going to use the A to continue his behavior. So where are your boundaries, what have you learned in the past three years? Have you gotten healthy to the point that you understand what your choices are?
It sounds to me like your BH is using your affair and your guilt to to indulge his "unhappiness", which has been simmering for a while...probably long before RESB ever came into the picture.
I read recently that we should not confuse happiness with self-indulgence. It really stuck with me.
Your A caused pain. Absolutely. And from your post, it sounds like you are doing what you can to address that. Thank you for doing that, because many WH do not.
Your WH has anger (pain) that exists separately, as is evidenced by his behaviour pre-A. He needs to own that, and not lump it in with the A issues. Where does one end and the other begin?
So very complicated. But, you do have a choice here. Perhaps it's not bad enough for you to make that choice yet. I wish you well.
Married over 9 years, together for 18.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).