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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciliation
hellandback
♀ New Member
Member # 39972
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been 2 years since I found out my husband of 31 years was cheating on me. I always thought of myself as being aware and smart enough to see signals..Not so much..came as a complete shock as stupid as that sounds. We have gone thru counselling and much pain and decided to try again. But I can't get over the pain and dont think I will ever trust totally again. This makes it very hard to truly start over. I went to therapy by myself and went thru post tramatic stress and anything else I thought would help.What it boils down to is trust..without it there is no marriage and no reconcillation that will last. The hurt just doesnt go away..I see them together in my mind. hear them telling each other they are in love. He brought her to our hometown and shared all "our" places with her, even down to the dog park we took our dogs. Forgiving is easy to say but forgetting images is impossible. I'm trying to do this right. (and so is he to some degree)
I'm at a crossroads at continuing or starting over my myself.Thanks for listening

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. One of the main human fears is fear of rejection or abandonment. Either way, not feeling secure in your relationship (after the shock of the A), it is normal that you feel like you do. However, if you want to R and he's giving you the right signs of remorse, then you have to let go of the thoughts and move forward. I speak as I too battle with this.

I HATE thinking about the A. I mean, it just destroys my entire world, security, love..etc. But accepting it happened and bringing some understanding to it, helps you move forward. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

Best wishes for you.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1306 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
stillhurting5
♀ New Member
Member # 39963
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I can definitely connect to you. I was married 31 years also to my high school boyfriend. I've only been with him my whole life. I had absolutely no idea he would ever do this. I caught him red handed and I would have beat the crud out of the women if I could have got through the locked bathroom door. I still don't know who she is or what she looked like. Maybe I don't need to know. It's been 4 years now and I'm still struggling with the hurt and mistrust. I think we have to learn a new way of living. But after 31 years it is very hard

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: stillhurting5
stillhurting5
♀ New Member
Member # 39963
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I can definitely connect to you. I was married 31 years also to my high school boyfriend. I've only been with him my whole life. I had absolutely no idea he would ever do this. I caught him red handed and I would have beat the crud out of the women if I could have got through the locked bathroom door. I still don't know who she is or what she looked like. Maybe I don't need to know. It's been 4 years now and I'm still struggling with the hurt and mistrust. I think we have to learn a new way of living. But after 31 years it is very hard . You still need to give yourself time. 2 years is not enough to reorganize your feelings when a betrayal of this magnitude has hit you. It does get better but I can't tell you that it will ever go away.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: stillhurting5
hellandback
♀ New Member
Member # 39972
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know when youve been married as long as I have and time is slipping away..2 years to heal seems like a very long time..I guess I'm questioning whether its worth it..Has it been worth it for you?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013
stillhurting5
♀ New Member
Member # 39963
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to say that its been worth it for me. Our marriage is a lot better (different) now after 4 years . I think you and i are the ones left with all the emotional issues that have to be sorted out. My marriage is something I don't want to fail at.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: stillhurting5
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were married 23 years when I found out my H was cheating on me. I too was stunned. We even went through a year long false R where the A just went deeper underground. It took me a good 3-4 years to get through the worst of it, and at 5 years out, I am through to the other side. The pain and horror have all faded, but of course the scars are still present. I can only speak for myself, but yes, it was worth it. My H was a cruel and complete stranger during his A, but he had never been anything less than a wonderful partner until the A, and I think that made a difference for me. That great man he had been prior to the A returned, and my M to that man is well worth it. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary, and I am glad we spent the time slogging through it all to arrive where we are today.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 811 | Registered: Apr 2008
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't help thinking there's a good reason you're still haunted by the images. Reasons that come to mind are:

1) SI's rule of thumb is 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts. If life is getting better, it may just be taking you longer than the minimum.

2) What's your H doing to heal? Is he NC, in IC, honest, transparent, in MC with you? Is there something you wish he were doing that he's not?

3) Is there something else you want to do to heal? Are there issues/questions/feelings that you're stuffing instead of bringing up?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9979 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&B

R or D, an A puts you on a hard road and I think year 2 is the worst. You might actually be turning the corner, just can't quite see the light yet.

For so many, no matter what you do, it is dealbreaker. Better for all concerned to move on. No one here can tell you what to do about that, except to say that it's best to actually decide, not just slide into one outcome or another on autopilot.

In our case, we decided the devil we knew was better than the devils we didn't. I'm so glad, but it took 5 hard years to get to feeling good again, and then over 30 years later, I got blindsided by coworkers' A and taking another ride on the roller coaster.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
hellandback
♀ New Member
Member # 39972
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone who responded..Great to have a place where so many other people know what I'm talking about..Have a lot of soul searching to do also need extra session with therapist today..I'm ok with the roller coaster ride as long as I can feel I won't be thrown off..This is really awful and very hard and I do feel like I'm on "autopilot"

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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