Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Two steps forward, one step down the rabbit hole.
Romantichopeless
♀ New Member
Member # 39969
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, so I'm four months out from D-Day and I'm still having nightmares. Today was especially hard because I attempted to ignore the first only to be assaulted by a second. This, unfortunately, ruins my day. Even more unfortunately, I mostly have to keep it to myself because my partner prefers to act like it never happened while I relive it almost on a daily basis. He treats me very well...but he treated me well while he was cheating on me so I'm not sure if I should just cut my losses. He is, without a doubt, a very good person. I'd trust him with my life. Just not my heart. I'm sick of going down the rabbit hole by myself. I don't feel as if I will get over it without support from him but I'm getting none and feel like it's my fault or that I'm harping on the past if I bring it up. Any advice from either side of the divide would be welcome. Thank You.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Jersey
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at 5 months post DDay, and I'm well aquatinted with the rabbit hole unfortunately. Are you in IC, is WS? It's crucial that you have someone to talk too. Keeping it bottled up is only going to make things worse. It has to get out, like the nightmares. I hope that your WS steps up for you, cause " treating you well " means listening to you and supporting you through the pain and grief that they caused!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Romantichopeless
♀ New Member
Member # 39969
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Counseling would probably be helpful but there's no room for it in my budget haha. I feel like I have to keep it inside because when I mention things that trigger my insecurities, his go to response is "it's my fault. I don't want to be the reason (insert concern here).

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Jersey
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was luck enough to have a mental health clinic nearby that has a sliding fee scale. If you haven't already, check and see what community resources are available to you. You have to talk to someone. I understand why you don't feel comfortable talking with WS. My WH did that guilt " its all my fault "stuff too. It's really not supportive in my opinion. I finally told him that I wasn't interested in soothing his guilty conscious when I'm already hurting so much. I told him when I'm triggering and crying its about me, and he needs to put on his big boy pants!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RH)))

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.


Posts: 616 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Romantichopeless
♀ New Member
Member # 39969
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohio you've read my mind. I wind up trying to make him feel better. I'm thinking it is just time to be a little selfish. Unfortunately I recognized early on that I wasn't dealing with this well and searched for mental health resources to no avail. This forum lets me know I'm not alone and it is not my fault (thanks Kiki). Just being able to finally speak out about it feels amazing. Thanks guys...I appreciate it more than you know. This IS my therapy :D

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Jersey
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes two to reconcile. You cannot do it alone. And you most especially cannot do it with a partner who cannot own up to their actions and take responsibility for healing the damage they have caused.

The worst possible thing you can do is hold it in. Stop doing that. If he cannot face what he has done, they he is not a safe person for you to be in a relationship with.

It takes some time to get your strength back after this kind of trauma. Do be kind to yourself. Know your value. If you cannot afford IC (which for me, I would make a priority by stopping all other spending or find a way to borrow the money), then there are books you can read to assist. Your partner has a LOT of work to do to make himself worthy of your pain, and to reinvent himself into a safe person.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am an advocate of counseling, if there are no mental health resources available that you can make work, are you a religious person, is there perhaps some type of clergy, deacon, minister, etc person that you can meet with? in my area, this is part of their duty and there is no fee associated with it.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
Runninggirl
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had words of wisdom. I don't but I will say Hugs. You are not alone.
I am fine and out of nowhere "down the rabbit hole" as well.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read the Healing Library? If not, start going through it now, especially since IC is not an option - but check with your pastor, as suggested above, because it may be available.

Also, note that the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover, assuming no new hurts. 2 to 5 years. Recovery takes a lot longer than you may think it should, and it takes a lot longer than you want, but it's a long term project that you can't dodge. It gets worse for a year or 2, but life eventually does get better - but it usually takes more than 4 months.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.