Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: still trying to live with and accept my new life.
stillhurting5
♀ New Member
Member # 39963
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay its been over 4 years now and we've relocated to be closer to our kids and grandsons. I hate to beat a dead horse but I don't think the hurt ever goes away. I know a lot of you are looking for answers as to when things will get better. For me its become a private struggle . I don't talk with anyone about the A anymore. I feel my friends that haven't gone through anything like this don't want to hear me after 4 years. This site helped me right after D day so that is why I'm back now. My WH has been great. But we never talk about it. I do good most days but I have recently been triggering a lot. Like I said I do this privately because I feel guilty for still being upset when my H is doing all the right things. Moving away from my hometown of 48 years has helped. I've gotten to the stage where I don't ask any questions because I don't want OR I won't believe the answer anyway. So I struggle on my own. I'm enjoying most days now but for me I will NEVER be the same. I am still learning to live with my new life. It does get better but it never goes away. If my husband read this it would hurt him very deeply, because he has no idea that I still struggle. I'm sorry I can't be more positive for those looking for when the pain goes away. This is my personal journey and I don't see an end.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: stillhurting5
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are hurting. I understand that deep pain all too well. 4 years is a longtime. I also understand how you stopped talking about the a to friends and family.

Have you ever gone to ic? I know that has really helped me.

Or, do you think his cheating might just be a dealbreaker for you? No one should have to be hurt forever.

Hugs to you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 979 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stillhurting)))

You dont have to be sorry.

Understanding we will always bear some pain is part of acceptance isnt it?? It is part of our journey, one of the consequences we have to accept when we agree to reconcile.

its ok. Work through those triggers. Is something in particular triggering you? Our wh's will truly never understand we will always feel some pain, like your friends, if they havent experienced it, they cant understand it.

This painful journey you and i are on, make us stronger, better people. We give a gift of r that many cannot. It is not for the weak.

I understand completely what you say, i feel the same. I too will never be the same. None of us will

you know, why not let your h know you are having a hard time? He's been great you said? Let him help you, dont suffer alone.


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
stillhurting5
♀ New Member
Member # 39963
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew I liked this site and you both had me in tears. This is going to be my therapy for awhile. Thank you for being here and not judging my feeling .

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: stillhurting5
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting5

All I can say is time.. You are at the 4 year mark and it can take 5 years or more.

Now it is good to be in a different place but then it is a sad thing to leave home and all you know.

I know we moved to..

What I do is I tell myself we weathered the roughest of the roughest and stayed together that speaks volumes!!! It would of been easier for him to walk away. It would of been easier for me to walk away.. Start a new with different people... We took the hard road and built our castle of love!

Also sit him down and tell him..If it stays and keeps pestering you maybe it is just the DDay antiversary?? Or the start date of their affair? You need to find out why so you can stop this private struggle you are having.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and had EMDR therapy and it helped me tons!! I had a bunch of other stuff that was non affair related going on in my life but it set me back to the darn affair period 20 years back?? So anything can set you back it is how you handle that...
You and I both know being married for a long period of time can only be done with communication if both parties are going to be happy. Soooo communicate...
Sit him down tell him look I am not attacking you are throwing things in your face.. But..I am struggling and I need a friend and that friend is you... Can you help me?? Then tell him what is going on...If you don't feel comfortable doing that then make an appointment with a good therapist...
Look you are not alone you are here with us.
Keep talking to us.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
stillhurting5
♀ New Member
Member # 39963
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much heartache. What is this EMDR therapy people talk about.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: stillhurting5
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice would be to speak to him about it. Even though it has been 4 years, if you are hurting or some triggering has made you start feeling down about it again, you should bring it up. It may help you draw closer. Let him support you and you may both feel better.

He may already be sensing something is bothering you and that you aren't talking to him about it. You don't want to create distance now after all you've been through. I'm sure you two were very open and talked a lot in the early stages of R so why struggle alone now. It may make him feel good in a way or relieved that you felt open enough to talk to him about it. Don't struggle alone, lean on him.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Emotionalhell
♀ Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe I will ever be the same person I was before my XWH..I analyze things so mucho the than I used to. I will never feel .. Safe again.
I have read that a traumatic experience forever alters your brain.
I believe it.. I am 3 years out from my very first dday . I am better in some ways. But I don't believe I will ever be the old "me" again

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eye movement Desensitization and reprocessing. My therapist did this and it literally saved me...
Ask your therapist if she is certified to do this.. It sounded hokie to me but it really works!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting4,

My D-Day was November 2005.
I will never be the same...I will never be the carefree, happily married person I was before that day.

My life was forever changed.
I do understand what you're talking about.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Aries
♀ New Member
Member # 39995
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you, I found out about my WS A about four years ago. I am still, secretly trying to figure out how to deal with a relationship that does not have trust. I understand where you are coming from. My WS is remorseful. I also feel guilty because my WS is trying so hard to make me happy while keeping his responsibility to the OC. Sometimes I feel so sorry for my WS who must be living in hell. But I also think you made your bed now you lay in it. It is a balancing act. I don't want to send my WS back to the arms of the OW. Although according to my WS the OW is on the path to self destruction. I can not muster up compassion for the OW. I only know that the OW is a HW and has her own cross to bear. This is putting it nicely because I have some choice words for the HW.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
ambivalence26
♀ New Member
Member # 38037
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also 4 years out and feel very much like you. My husband cheated for almost 5 years and (got caught). He ended it because he had no choice if he wanted to have a chance at saving our marriage (which he claimed he did). He did all the work (eventually) after many months of lies. I just feel lately, that making the choice to stay with him may not have been the right decision? It's difficult to be with someone you no longer trust. I don't look at him as the person I fell in love with. I look at him as a cheater. I question everything he tells me. He got very good at lying while he was cheating. Then when I question him now, he gets a little annoyed that I don't believe him. I told him he no longer gets the benefit of the doubt with me. He lost that when he chose to cheat. I still have a heavy heart and have very sad moments. I don't share with him because he just wants to pretend it never happened. It was so much easier to heal when we could talk about all of it. I feel like I can purge all the bad thoughts after we talk.

The cheaters will never understand the level of hurt, shame, and sadness they have brought into our lives. And just because time passes doesn't mean all the pain and sadness goes with it! What my husband did changed our family forever. We can't go back and undo what he did. I ask myself did I stay because I felt badly for my children? Because their world was destroyed as well? And I ask myself maybe I can never love him as I did? I'm struggling with this. I sometimes think the couples that break up have it much easier as you don't have to look at them everyday and ask yourself who is this guy?
My husband feels like he should get a pat on the back because he did the work in the beginning. He doesn't really do the work anymore.

Is it time to walk away? Does anyone else struggle with this?


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: midwest
petite71
♀ Member
Member # 36475
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ambivalence26))
I struggle the same as you everyday. Just want to let you know that I feel your pain


1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr

Posts: 126 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.