It's okay to be sad. It's okay to struggle, it's okay to cry. I am having one of those days too. We have to lean on each other now.
I just want to hug you! I am really thinking about you. I know how hard this is.
Lacing up my nikes and running west!
Please protect yourself as best you can now, in all ways, particularly legal.
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
The best thing to do at this time is to go NC except for kids and finances. Also I would tell him this weekend exactly what you want drawn up in the divorce decree. Protect yourself and your kids. Set a deadline on him filing and if he doesn't, you do it. Do not let him continue to fence sit and play with your heart. You don't deserve that and neither do your kids.
The fact that he has not went NC with OW is because so far he hasn't seen consequences. My WH#2 said he was NC with OW, then I find out a yr later they are still having the A. His reason was because he really had no consequences on DDay#1. Once my husband saw that I was serious about the D, he finally got his head out of the fog. He still has it firmly up his ass, but that's another post. Giving him consequences may be what brings him around to what he is fixing to lose. At this point, what have you got to lose but a cheater and a liar. (((HUGS)))
When I see the attorney tomorrow, I'll talk to her about how I want to play this -- if it's best to tell him upfront what I want or to wait. I imagine there are upsides and downsides to both strategies. But I think the biggest upside to telling him is him deciding if he really wants to go through with this considering how very very much he stands to lose.
I do have an "internal deadline" that I'm not sharing with him on when I'll file if nothing changes (and if he doesn't file first) -- or when I'll at least start seriously considering it.
Your story breaks my heart. I'm going through something similar right now, so I know you must be suffering more than words can express.
It made me so angry that my WS just sounded like a wimp. Yours sounds like he might be a little wimpy, too. Shut down. Scared. Passive. Selfish. I just wanted to shake him and tell him to wake up! That he had the nerve to critique when you chose to try to speak to him about how he is ruining your life... I know you're hurting and I don't mean to be rude, but he is acting like a moron.
For the first month after DDay I spent a LOT of time hoping and wishing he would "wake up." I was convinced that he would! Who trades in 10+ good years for a coworker you've known for a few months? As time went on, though, I realized I was doing more work to keep him up on a pedestal than he was. I thought more of him and his morals and potential to be a good man than he was showing he was capable of. It was soooooo hard, but I eventually had to accept he wasn't the man I thought he was (at least any more) and each day that went by without him wanting to R it was clear he wasn't going to "go back" or become what I hoped.
I also made a mental date for accepting it was over. On DDay #2 I told him I wanted NC (truthfully I wanted him to stew in his A and I thought he would quickly come around and want R), and I set a date 8 weeks out when he could talk to me again. I told myself, I will give him a week after that re-contact date to talk to me and, if he doesn't, that's it.
Sadly week 8 came and went. No R. No begging. No contact from him whatsoever. I gave it 5 days after that and I had to face facts.
I'm hoping for you that he comes around. I would kill for a chance at reconciling. But, if he doesn't come around, do yourself a favor and stay true to your date. It's going to send you through hell, but the longer you wait to start your healing, the tougher it will be. :/
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]
There are a lot of reasons why WS's don't immediately file when they say they want a divorce:
1) They don't actually want the divorce
2) They want to keep both their AP and Spouse on the line while they figure out what they want. Or better yet, indefinitely.
3) They have a twisted perception that while cheating is one thing, they didn't "leave" if they make their spouse file first.
and probably a few others.
Right now, however, it seems like he's keeping you around while he gets a better feel for OW and what's going on with her. So... do you want to play second fiddle to OW? Do you want to be the back up plan?
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
I told him he wasn't the man I thought he was, that I was sorry I picked him to be their father, and that they deserved better than this.
I think this has been a recurring theme since you came to this forum, Violetta. From the beginning you said that he had integrity, that this was not the same man, that he was honorable, and would not purposely harm his family... that the person he once was seems to be gone. Whether it is a permanent thing, or he is lost in the fog, he is still gone.
So many betrayed wives and husbands have come here saying almost the exact same thing. I do believe that you want to reconcile, but it is with the man that he was before the affair. However, that man is apparently gone. And the fact that he continues to speak to the OW when he knows how hard it is for you, what it is doing to your family is so highly disrespectful it is like a physical slap in the face.
I am so sorry that he is doing this to you and your children. The disrespect is mind boggling. Gather your strength.
I just want to second Dark Inertia.
In the aftermath, I realized that I was MUCH more hurt by the fact that he kept seeing the OW after he KNEW how destroyed I was than I was by the A.
It's really inexcusable. Unfortunately, it tells you a lot about where he's at :/
I do believe that you want to reconcile, but it is with the man that he was before the affair. However, that man is apparently gone. And the fact that he continues to speak to the OW when he knows how hard it is for you, what it is doing to your family is so highly disrespectful it is like a physical slap in the face.
Your post struck me, because I could have written it verbatim awhile back. The argument you had, where he said you ambushed him...that conversation was one I had with my ex many times. The fact that he's still seeing her, knowing your pain and agony...you deserve better than that. For me, that became clear in time. I saw that he simply did not care. I was in the way of his fun. He wasn't in a rush to deal with the divorce proceedings, but not because he wanted to save the marriage, but simply because it was a lot of busy work and he had no real plan. They never have a plan do they?
He's not showing remorse or regret or even kindness. He's not respecting you. But the emotional state you are in right now is so raw and volatile, all that seems logical is clinging to the idea of saving the marriage. But you can't do that if he doesn't seem to give a damn.
I'm so sorry Violetta, I have so been there. Stay strong. See your lawyer. Hugs!
I said, "So, are you going to file?" He said he wanted to wait and think about it a little.
It was this kind of behavior that really opened my eyes, and gave me a potty mouth to boot!
It is crazy making, a blend of playing victim, with a big dose of entitlement. Sorry to say your feelings aren't even on his radar. So here is the hard question: Have your feelings ever been on his radar?
But as many of you have pointed out, he isn't that guy right now and may never be again. Clearly, my feelings aren't important to him now, or at least are a lot less important to him than she is.
Do I want to be his backup plan? Hell no. And if/when he opens his eyes, I will have a lot of very hard thinking to do.
Today is our 10th anniversary. Don't really feel much like getting up -- I'm lying in be cuddling my 4yo. Have a play date in a little while and a party tonight, though :)
Then I asked why he was rushing this, and if it was so that he could just go be with her and not feel guilty. He said he wasn't going to talk about his feelings with me and that he was pissed he'd been "ambushed" after a school meeting. I told him I wasn't ambushing him, but I had a right to know what to expect and what to prepare myself and the kids for. He asked if we could please talk about this this weekend. I said sure
Your title says, “He says he wants a divorce.. but”. He doesn’t want a divorce, not because he’s looking to be a model husband again, but because he wants to continue his current behavior. What he really wants is your complacency.
By waiting for him to file you are giving him all the power here and that’s very much what he wants. Let’s face it.. the divorce will be hard financially on the both of you, but if his current actions show, he really doesn’t give a shit what impacts you or the kids, he only cares what happens to him. So why would he rush into that financial hardship?
Take his power away from him. FTG! You file. You drive the process. The faster this guy is out of your life the better off you will be.
I actually think he’s going to change gears when he sees you in the driver’s seat. “What’s the rush?” “Maybe this isn’t what I want” “Can we wait a bit?” “maybe just a trial separation?”. This does not mean he is ready to reconcile. Far from it. It’s just going to be a change in tactics to maintain the status quo.
Also, you should realistically look at what you get even in the unlikely event that you reconcile. He will never.. ever be the guy he was. Never. Even if he was on his best behaviour. The betrayal will never go away.
What he really wants is your complacency
^^I'm afraid, I agree with this.
But the longer he continues the A, the longer he is un-remorseful, the longer he waits to see what he wants, the longer he continues and adapts to this mucky indecisive state of being - the harder R will become - for you.
For this reason people say: "File. You have to risk your M, to have any hope of saving it."
But there are no guarantees. No guarantee it will wake him up. And no guarantee that even if it does wake him up, that he will do what it takes for the long haul that is R.
On your tenth anniversary...? I am so sorry! (((Violetta)))
Take care of you today. It is really all you can do - figure out what that means and take care of yourself.
if/when he opens his eyes, I will have a lot of very hard thinking to do.
This suggests that you are waiting for him to make a move.
I know that you will be ready when you are ready to make a move. I will say that the limbo stage and my ex continuing the A in the wake of my pain and humiliation was more painful than the initial A itself - because he knew what he was doing then.
Are you in IC?
I didn't really want a divorce either. During the first few days after DDay, I asked him if this is what he really wanted. Was he truly willing to throw away his wife and children for someone that he had only known for a few months?
Turns out, he was more than willing. He started moving her in while I was moving out. I have never looked into my STBXH eyes and seen such bitterness. Like somehow I am deserving of everything he has done. All the lying, cheating, spending our money to facilitate his A.
I told him if he wanted to D, then he could file. He said he would. Then he starting asking me how to go about the process? I looked at him and said, "How the hell should I know? I've never done this before!"
I waited for about 2 weeks after DDay in a state of confusion. Hoping that he would pull his head out of his *ss. Then, the threats started. "I'll take the kids 50/50 and not pay you a cent." I couldn't care less if I lose the house, the car, the furniture. My STBXH is not the man I thought he was. He can't physically have the children 50% of the time. His work schedule doesn't allow for it. Guess who he thinks will take care of our sons while he is at work? You guessed it, OW. And I will be damned if she thinks she is going to play mommy when she doesn't even have custody of her own child.
I knew then that I needed some advice from a lawyer. Whatever it cost me, I needed to keep my kids safe. Initially, I told my L that I wanted him to be the one file. Her response was, "But, why would he?"
She was right. Why would he file? Right now, he is cake eating. He has a tramp living at the house. And he still has a wife to take care of his kids. He is currently only seeing them on his days off. He isn't really pushing for extra time because that cuts into time with OW. He just wants to threaten me to keep control. He wants it all, so why would he file for a D?
My L convinced me that my best course of action is to file myself. Protect myself and my children. Why wait for him? Take back some control and start the process on my terms.
You are not alone in this.
Sending you strength to get through today.
Burn everything love then burn the ashes.
FIL told him there's no rush, that a lot of things were said out of hurt and anger.
If I ever did have one huge objection to WH during our marriage, it was that he can't handle emotions and just leaves. Which is kind of funny, because OW is definitely a high-drama individual.