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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Losing Hope
MandoBando
♀ Member
Member # 37308
Helpless  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been gone for a while working on us, the marriage, myself, everything. We have been hitting a rough patch and last night things went to shit. He had been acting strange for a few days and due to arguments and trying to respect his requests on certain issues, I had slept in our guest room (the room he had sex with his AP in) for the last couple nights. After work yesterday, we finally sat down to try to talk things out and during the discussion, he confesses that he has been thinking about divorce more and more and that he isn't sure his affairs weren't dealbreakers for HIM.

After hearing that, I just broke down. I hadn't been thinking about divorce for a long while and had been interested in starting to plan a recommitment ceremony. I was so shocked and blindsided that thoughts of divorce were getting more frequent in his head. It felt so much like I had just discovered another affair that I went through a full blown panic attack/ flashback to my October DDay.

After watching me fall to pieces, he backpedals and says that he doesn't want a divorce, just that he had been thinking about it. And that he still loves me and wants to work on the marriage.

Now, I feel like we are back at square one. I feel so insecure, vulnerable, worthless. Like all the effort we have been putting into trying to hold our marriage together has been wasted. That he is getting tired of "playing house" and is ready to cut me loose. I had just been getting over my fear of this, something that has been with me since DDay, and now I see my fear coming to life. I am not sure if I keep fighting, since I feel in my heart like he has already given up and is just saying whatever I want to hear to keep me happy. Fuck, that sounds like affair behavior!! Is there another affair?! I am just so lost and hurt. I am falling apart.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I am not sure where to turn right now.


Me: BS
Him: WS (longroadahead22)
DDay #1: 10/23/12
DDay #2: 11/7/12
DDay #3: 2/9/13
Kids: 2 boys, both under 2
R, trying our best
Baby, you have taught me how to flinch.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2012
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mando)))

This is not really unusual so close to dday. It is such an extremely difficult time and the road is hard.

Otherwise, your r is going well?? Just an arguement last night? is it possibly opening a door for deeper committement??

What is the rough patch?


Posts: 514 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
MandoBando
♀ Member
Member # 37308
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The argument is the latest in a string of them.

The rough patch is that there has been a breakdown in the delicate communication we have been rebuilding. He is afraid to share thoughts, feelings, fears with me and I am feeling that I don't have a right to my thoughts, feelings, needs, wants. We have both noticed a wall coming up between us, but neither of us have any idea what to do about it or where it is coming from.

Well, we didn't know where it was coming from until that admission last night. With your foot half out the door, how could you possible build any kind of emotional intimacy?

I guess I am really surprised because he has always declared 150% commitment to reconciliation.


Me: BS
Him: WS (longroadahead22)
DDay #1: 10/23/12
DDay #2: 11/7/12
DDay #3: 2/9/13
Kids: 2 boys, both under 2
R, trying our best
Baby, you have taught me how to flinch.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2012
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ughh...sending you huge hugs. I also hope that this might be some unhealthy coping mechanism fwh is using at this moment?? Maybe talking about recommittment brought up some feelings he was unsure how to deal with? Wishing you both the best as you work your way through this.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 492 | Registered: Aug 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole "may have been a dealbreaker for him" would have left me in a really bad place. The fact is, if he doesn't think he has the stones to do the work, then he needs to GTFO. That was always my position.

Always remember your worth. Your value. And that he needs to be winning you back. He really has to reach outside himself to make the growth and changes he needs to make this successful.

Have you addressed communication strategies in MC? If you aren't in MC, can you? If not, there are some books you can read together to assist.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Rebreather on this. Demand respect, if he feels that way I agree tell him to GTFO.

I know all this stuff hurts and is easier said than done but if you can, do the 180 to help you gain the strength to lay down what you need from him to stay in the M.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Searchingforhope
♀ Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Mando))

I sent you a PM..


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 7

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