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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is Reconciliation Real?
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick recap. My FWH cheated and then kept it a secret for 7 years. We tried MC he went a few times and that's it. I know I will never have the whole truth and I hate when he lets more stuff slip out. I feel like he does this on purpose.

We have been doing fairly well and everyone we know is so impressed. If they only knew. I remember asking someone how do you live with the knowledge of an affair. I was told to push it away.

How do you do that? We went camping and he got drunk and had the nerve to tell me. He had no regrets in his life and looked at everything as a learning experience..So much for R. That one sentence has done away with three years hard work. I feel like I am back where I started. Only worse because I feel he stated the truth with some old fashioned truth serum.

So was I the only one working on our M? I read about people who have reconciled and envy them. I thought I was getting there. Now I feel like I've lived another 3 years of lies.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Dallas)))

It wasnt for me.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciliation CAN be real, but only if both parties are fully committed to it. It sounds like your H is fully committed to rugsweeping it, and maybe you're ok going along with that? You know you don't have the truth, and you seem ok about that. If you are, and you are both rugsweeping as it seems, then reconciliation can't be real in my opinion. When you sweep a problem under the carpet, nothing gets resolved and it rears it's ugly head eventually anyway, only it has the added years of bitterness and pain and probably some more incidences (I say that because people rug sweep just about everything, not just infidelity) mixed in.

If you want true R, rugsweeping isn't a viable option. It may work short term, but I've yet to see it work long term for both partners.

And living with the knowledge of an A is NOT by pushing it away, it's by dealing with it, talking about it, figuring it all out, and then it's no longer a painful issue in your life. It becomes just a footnote to the entirety of your M. I can talk about my H's infidelity now with anyone without shedding a tear, not because I push the pain away, but because I have processed it and have accepted it happened and it's part of my life and we've moved on and HEALED through it. If you don't talk about it and work on it, then how can you heal from it?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Dallas))) So sorry for what you are going through.

I read about people who have reconciled and envy them.

The secret to happiness is simply having a calm and peaceful mind. If your happiness is dependent on what someone else does or does not do, then you have no control over your own happiness.

Perhaps it's time to start thinking outside the box. Try focusing on your own personal spiritual growth for awhile instead of focusing primarily on the marriage. You can always come back to R.

I recommend the following book to get you started:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doesitgetbetter- I did't think that I had done any rugsweeping, but I think perhaps you are right. By not wanting to punish him or rub his nose in his mistake I have pushed things away I shouldn't have. I think the last time we actually talked about his A, he said it was my fault. I didn't want to hear that so I just didn't bring it up again. Obviously that was and is the wrong choice. I know it wasn't my fault but now what is happening is and I can change it. Thanks.


Hardennyheart- I'll get the book and I think it is time for some more IC. My last one moved away and haven't been in almost a year.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By not wanting to punish him or rub his nose in his mistake I have pushed things away I shouldn't have.

This sentence says to me you did yourself a disservice. Part of healing almost must include venting to let your H know he hurt you. If you don't express your feelings, he won't know you have them. But then you wrote:

I think the last time we actually talked about his A, he said it was my fault.

That says to me he's not taking responsibility for his actions, and it's impossible to R with a WS who dodges responsibility. Is he in IC? If he's not, he may simply not be a candidate for R. Have you considered the 180?

I used to advocate a 'no regrets' position. That works fine for things like taking a job or trying a career that doesn't work out, or moving to a location that doesn't work for you, but I'd mistrust anyone who didn't regret cheating.

Are you sure you want this guy?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9732 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

: Is Reconciliation Real?

Very real if you have true remorse, honesty & you understand what you are reconciling for & from what.

(( Dallas ))
It doesn't sound like you have any of those ingredients.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everybody.
I have read your ideas and input and will rethink this.

I wanted to R but I think a part of me had knownit isn't real for us and when he made that statement about no regrets in his life. I was floored.

sisoon- To be honest with myself. I am not sure I want to be with him. He keeps showing me his lack of empathy, respect and true caring for me. I'm printing the 180 out now.

The worst thing of course is timing. My Dad is going through his second bout of lung cancer. This time its a different type and this is inoperable. I do not want to cause any upset or stress on my Dad.

Luck - I wish I did. He isn't a bad guy just not what or who I thought he was. I kept hoping. After his remarks Hope is gone.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Topic Posts: 8

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