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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how does the universe let them be so happy?
jimbo25319
♂ Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW and OM just seem to having a grand ole' time while rubbing my nose in it.

I just can't get a break. Every time I think I get one up on her, she finds out I know. I just can't catch a break. All I need is ONE photo or creditable documentation ofsome public displays of affection. Nothing.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also write down all the things I hate about him, and what all he did to me. He's gonna end up doing the same stuff to her, too.

I also get what you are saying. We first got together when I was 35, so I had done all the fun stuff, too. I was really ready for my marriage to be forever. He had cheated on his 1st wife and I THOUGHT he realized this was not the way to treat your family.....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Jan 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I urge everyone to read and re-read this post (change the pronouns for the menfolk)

I knew a woman once, XWH's aunt, who got a D when her kids where in high school because her husband had an A.
For years she was an unhappy person. Every time I saw her she mentioned the D and her X, even many years later. She lived the rest of her life in misery and made her children and grandchildren miserable as well. It was so sad.

Had she focused on herself and her own happiness and let go of the injustice of what happened, she could have had such a wonderful life. She died alone and miserable.

I made a promise to myself not to follow in her footsteps. My XWH's happiness or lack thereof do not concern me unless it somehow adversely affects my children and grandchildren. Even then, there is nothing I can do.

@ NL, This is a absolutely spot on. All.Of.It.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5549 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
MissMoneypenny
♀ New Member
Member # 34714
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strangely enough I don`t wish my WH any unhappiness- I know he is very unhappy about messing up our family, I know he suffers every day although to the outside world (and especially to OW) he has to try and put up a happy face.
I wish him all the best, only not with OW- her I wish all the evil one can imagine. But also her honeymoon is over- even her dumb brain with the size of a peanut must realize one day that he will never marry and have children with her, never introduce her to his immediate family and that -if no miracle happens- she will end up childless and the kept woman of man twenty years her senior. No, I don`t envy her at all !


" The only thing I have in common with OW is our birthday "

Posts: 44 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Europe
crushed47
♂ Member
Member # 33574
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I don't post too much any more I thought I would respond to this.

The advice that you have been given is spot on in that you need to focus on yourself and not them. Become the person that you always wanted to be. But with that being said, don't think for a minute that life is all rainbows and unicorns for your ex.

My exww, for a couple of years after she left, put up a lot of window dressing about how well she was doing and how great her new life was. But that wasn't reflected in her face which aged 10 years in 3 or her overweight body (she was always thin and athletic with me). I read somewhere that the karma bus tends to make a stop just when we really don't give a shit anymore. That is probably true. It takes several years for us (the bs) to pick ourselves back up and move forward and for the affair/remarriage to implode.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Central Pennsylvania
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got a ways to go before I am completely indifferent to whether or not my STBXWW is happy or not, but I do know she is a deeply unhappy person and will likely to continue to be unhappy.

She was unhappy when she was a wife and mother.

She is unhappy now that she is a single mother.

She is unhappy now that she is no longer a wife.

She was unhappy having an affair.

She was unhappy when she was not having an affair (for the short duration of NC).

She is unhappy because there is a void within her, a hole that cannot and most likely will not ever be filled unless she commits herself to deep introspection with guided professional help.

Some of the bottomless hole of unmeetable needs resulted from childhood trauma, but most of her unhappiness is a result of her free will--her decisions, her choices, her selfishness.

I take no pleasure in this. It is tragic, for her innate unhappiness has destroyed her greatest chance for happiness in this life--a family.

Sound familiar to anyone?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1613 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take no pleasure in this. It is tragic, for her innate unhappiness has destroyed her greatest chance for happiness in this life--a family.

I remember back when I was still looking for my beloved husband somewhere in the quagmire that is the sad clown - I remembered a part of an article I read somewhere.

This woman said she had him at his best. She had him back when he wasn't the man who cheated on his wife and did this to his family.

She had him when he was the closest he will ever be to the man he could have been.

It made me incredibly sad at the time. I no longer feel sad about it. I do feel sad that I focussed so much on his potential and so little on mine.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5549 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This woman said she had him at his best. She had him back when he wasn't the man who cheated on his wife and did this to his family.

She had him when he was the closest he will ever be to the man he could have been.

This is very true and what you said about focusing on his potential and not yours is what I have been doing for so long. You just nailed it for me!



BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feelingconsumed,

I don't really have anything new to add to this thread, just wanted to chime in with everyone else.

For me, the less I know the better. I have very little contact with anyone that knows him. I don't ask about how he's doing, I don't really care at this point in time. My son has no contact with him. That has helped me tremendously in stepping away from the pain. I realize now, that some of the pain I went through, was because I was asking about him, or looking into what he was doing. Ignorance is definitely bliss!!

I am trying to put my life back together again. I am only about 8 months out, so I have a long way to go. It's hard, and I am lonely. This is the first time I have lived by myself. Sometimes I love the freedom, other times, I hate going to bed alone.

I hear you about the old men winking, depressing, isn't it? Maybe the universe is saying that now is not the time for a relationship but that doesn't mean you will never have someone in your life to love.

I don't know how the universe lets them be happy. I don't know if or when the karma bus will come visit my STBX. I just know, that I don't want his affair to be the defining moment of my life.

My happiness is not attached to his anymore, my happiness is not attached to his misery either. I have fleeting moments of happiness now, and it's enjoying a beautiful sunset, holding my great nephew, listening to beautiful music or taking a long soak in a hot tub. I hang on to those moments, they are mine.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes!!!! I still struggle with this


]This woman said she had him at his best. She had him back when he wasn't the man who cheated on his wife and did this to his family.

She had him when he was the closest he will ever be to the man he could have been.

It made me incredibly sad at the time. I no longer feel sad about it. I do feel sad that I focussed so much on his potential and so little on mine.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes!!!! I still struggle with this

@PL, I did too until I started focussing on my potential instead if his (lost) potential.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5549 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Feeling Consumed
♀ Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It dawned on me that this worrying about wanting to know why the universe is allowing them to be happy when they are such evil, self centered, broke-down excuses for humans is kind of like an addiction for me, an addiction that I must struggle to break free from, just like any other type of addiction.

I remember when I quit smoking - holy moly it was hard. It seemed like all I did every single second of every single waking moment for the LONGEST time was think about NOT having a cigarette. This almost seems like that, like I'm trying to quit something I am addicted to.

When my dday first happened, I spent every single second of every waking moment thinking about what happened. And although I am nowhere near that bad now, 2-1/2 years later, I do have setbacks that put me back into that addiction. It's almost like when I am sitting near a bunch of people who are smoking, I'd give anything for a cigarette, so I got to fight myself to not ask someone for a smoke.

I have to just keep at this, just like I kept at stopping smoking. I am happy to report that after about a million tries, I successfully quit smoking and have not had a cigarette since 1995! I do get a craving every now and then, especially like I said, if I'm around others smoking, but now I am fully able to stop that urge.

One day I will be able to say that I have not had an obsessive thought about my ex and his whore since 20??!!


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Addiction is a good analogy. This is going to sound weird but I found/find the anger/indignation quite soothing - only in a toxic way.

IMO some of it is also a resistance to facing the fact that our lives are in our own hands now. What to do? I don't know. Too hard. I'll focus on how unfair this all is instead. Then I don't have to focus on having to drive my own bus.

I posted in another thread that I seem to only do it when I'm feelings down about something unrelated. Like a kind of self-harm or taking comfort in picking at an old scab.

I've wondered if I do it to get that survival rush again - get the adrenalin going. I'm pretty sure I used to do the same about my childhood - that was my last point of reference for hurt/pain before this.

Whatever the reason it's not a place I want to be stuck in for too long. The bouts are far shorter and the gaps between are getting bigger and bigger.

Everyone has their own pace but I do think its up to us to take action when we ind ourselves circling or standing still. Baby steps are OK - stagnation is not.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5549 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel sad that I focussed so much on his potential and so little on mine.
<< That is some deep shit. I'm changing my tag line to this. We should all not waste any more time and focus our attention on our potential!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2183 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 34
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